A celebration. And eggs. A celebration of eggs?

Today is Buster's 29th birthday. We celebrated on Saturday night at a local bar with lots of friends and family. It was fun, and Buster had a really great time. We are going to dinner tonight with his family, at a Japanese hibachi place. It will be delicious, although horrible for my diet.

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In other news, I had my CD7 appointment this morning. After 4 days of 150iu of Bravelle, I had the following:

• Lining thickness: 7mm
• 7 right ovary follicles, sized: 5, 6, 7, 9, 9, 10, 12.5mm
• 8 left ovary follicles, sized: 5, 6.6, 7, 7.5, 8, 9, 9.5, 11mm

Apparently the Bravelle is working! I've never had a CD7 u/s before, but I'm fairly certain this is many more follicles than what I normally have.

Once again, my doctor pretty much acted like I was nonexistent. It really makes for an awkward appointment. There was also a strange new doctor who entered the u/s room with my RE. This doctor, Dr. J, controlled the dildo wand. There were times that he wasn't doing it exactly right, and my doc had to help him. So at times, they both had their hands on the dildo swirling it around trying to find my eggs. It was kind of traumatic. Unfortunately the clinic is associated with a teaching/university hospital, so I guess it's par for the course.

After the u/s, we went into a different room to discuss what was going on. I use the term discuss quite loosely. It's basically me sitting there, staring at my doc, waiting for him to talk to me. He decided to lower my dosage of Bravelle to 75iu, and he wants me to come back in on Thursday for another ultrasound. He also had my estrogen levels checked. If the results are high, he will have me come in on Wednesday instead of Thursday.

Since all of this injectible business is new to me, if anyone has had a similar experience with lots of follies early on, I would appreciate hearing about it. I'm nervous about overstimulating and having the IUI canceled. I'm curious to see how this plays out, and how many mature follicles I end up having.

Also, I have been so bloated the past couple of days, and I'm pretty sure that I now know why. It really makes me feel like I'm failing on my diet, but I realize it's all those eggs taking up space!

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Random question. When you head back to the exam room, and the nurse tells you "Pants off and on the table", do you lie down on the table with your feet in the stirrups while waiting for the doc to come in? Or do you sit there and then get in to position when he/she arrives? I've done both, and I always wonder what everyone else does. Today I wish I hadn't been laying down. Nothing like slapping the new doc right in the face with my lady parts! 

Ways to not torture yourself

This cycle I am doing some different things. And I am not talking about the new meds, although that certainly counts as something different.

I have decided to not torture myself. I am stepping away from the pee sticks, in all forms. I am not going to use OPKs, nor will I pee on HPTs unless AF is MIA (ok, that sentence had wayyy too many acronyms in it. Sorry!).

Because of the Bravelle, I am going to be more closely monitored than I have in previous cycles. I think that sounds like a perfect excuse to NOT use OPKs. Last cycle, I'm fairly certain I messed up my own timing because of those stupid Answer OPK strips. So one less thing to stress me out sounds pretty awesome.

I also have a horrible tendency to pee on lots of sticks. I usually start at 8dpo and pee once (or twice) a day up until I'm certain that I'm out. And even once or twice after that. But, I am now out of Wondfos. I ordered 50 from Amazon, and I think they lasted me 3 cycles. Maybe 4. Either way, they are long gone and I refuse to order more. So I will wait and test when/if AF is late. I feel pretty confident that this will greatly affect my stress levels and my negative moods and emotions.

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So Buster and I had the "What if we overstimulate?" talk. On the TTC forum I frequent, there has been several recent discussions about having lots of mature follies when it's IUI time, and if you should continue on or not. One girl had 4 mature follicles, and her RE canceled her IUI and told her not to BD. Many women responded and said they would BD anyway, me being one of them. I actually told her maybe she could BD just once.

Anyway, it made me think. So I came out to the living room and approached the subject with Buster. We agreed that 5 or less mature follicles we would be ok with, but any more than that and we are a little uncomfortable. I'm glad we talked about it and came to an easy agreement.

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So I was going to include a photo in this post. I was hoping for some old-school drawing of a torture chamber or something. Well, I did a Google image search on "torture". For future reference, I would not recommend doing such a thing... I need to Clorox my eyes :/

CD3 appointment!

I had my CD3 appointment today, and it went quite well! Other than the fact that my doctor is basically lost in his own head and appears to barely notice I'm there...

So they call me back for an ultrasound. Fastest.ultrasound.ever. I mean, the doc came in, dildoed me, said "Ovaries look good", ripped the condom off the dildo and left. So bizarre. So anyway, I head into the next room to "chat" with my RE.

I sit down, and he is typing and talking to himself. He looks at my chart and paperwork, looks back to the computer, and keeps up this routine for quite a while. Finally, he says something to me.

"So we talked about gonadotropins and injectibles last time?" he says.

I respond with, "Yes, and I'd really like to try them this time, since it seems that the oral meds don't do much for me. What do you think?"

And... nothing. He goes back to NOT looking at me and muttering to himself and typing into the laptop. Wtf?! Why is my doctor so anti-social and bizarre? But whatever...

He then leaves, saying something about freebies. When he comes back in, he has a box of Bravelle in his hand. It's free! I didn't have to pay for my injectibles! How sweet is that? I'm not going to lie, it really felt like Christmas.

So, I guess his way of telling me he thinks it's ok for me to do injectibles is to hand me a box of them...

I then go in yet another exam room (third of the appointment) and the awesome hippie nurse (not Fossil Fran) teaches me how to inject myself with Bravelle (which, in case you don't know, is an FSH, or follicle stimulating hormone). I'm smiling like an idiot the entire time she's showing me how.

I am to inject myself in the belly today through Sunday (which will be CD6). On CD7/Monday I will go in for an ultrasound to see how I am reacting to the Bravelle.

I have been on cloud nine all day. I am so hopeful that the Bravelle will be the answer! I realize that there's a good chance it won't be, but a girl can dream, can't she?

And now off to watch Spartacus: Gods of the Arena.

I change shapes just to hide in this place

Big news of the day: AF has finally arrived. Of course she waits until after I buy some HPTs and use one, but whatever. I'm just happy she's here so I can start next cycle. Knowing she is on her way, but not here yet, is the worst. It's an even longer wait than the TWW (yes, it defies science! Or nature. Or Father Time.).

I called my RE and made my CD3 appointment for Thursday. This is the appointment where I'm going to force him to give me some injectibles. I really hope he complies. I might have to break out my bitch face, and I don't really want to have to resort to that.

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Buster had an interview this morning! It went really well, and he is pretty sure the guy loved him. I am hoping (yes, understatement of the year) that this works out. It would be beyond wonderful. And it would be wonderful for lots of reasons, not just the money aspect. Buster has been feeling a little down and out, and I know his self-esteem has taken quite a hit these past couple of months. More than anything, I want him to be happy and to feel secure in all aspects of our life. This job would do that.

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I had my Weight Watchers meeting today. I did not lose any weight, nor did I gain. I'm actually quite pleased with those results. I had pizza and beer this past weekend, and that can't be great for the waistline. I also had some chili and two (delicious) cornbread muffins on Sunday. So, with my not-so-healthy eating coupled with AF bloat, I expected to gain a pound or two.

I am also seriously considering taking a kickboxing class. Here at work we have a gym, and they sometimes offer classes, such as yoga, spinning, and zumba. Well, starting in a couple Mondays, they are offering a kickboxing class. I've never taken one, but I think it sounds fun, and also a great way to get rid of some frustrations. And some fat. :)

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I thought I would post this again, in case there are any new followers who missed it last time. My friend Katie over at Removing Roadblocks has started an Etsy store to help fund their adoption. She makes some beautiful jewelry, and I'm pretty sure she can even make something a bit more custom for you, if you ask her nicely. She is an incredibly sweet woman, and I hope she doesn't have to wait long before her dreams come true.

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Miike Snow is the artist of today's song of the day! Here is his song "Animal":

Not-so-normal couple

Last night, Buster and I went over to the in-laws to play cards and eat dinner. Buster's cousin and wife also joined in the festivities. I have talked about this couple before, as they also struggle with infertility. They have been trying for 6 years for their first, and have been told IVF is their only option.

This past year, Buster and I got a dog. I realize this is old news to many of you readers, but bear with me! The cousins (who I will now refer to as The H's) also got a puppy (a golden retriever, like ours, and actually from the same breeder). The puppy that Buster and I got for MIL was from the same litter that The H's pup was from. Point being, last night at the in-law's house, there were 3 golden retriever puppies running around, as well as a 3 year old golden and an 11 year old husky mix. Lots of dogs.

At one point, during the card game (FIL was not playing), FIL saunters into the room and says, 

"You know, normal couples bring their kids over. You guys bring your dogs."

 ...


Yep. He said that. And he knows. He knows about our struggles. He knows about their struggles. WHY WOULD HE SAY SUCH A THING?! I felt the blood rushing to my face. I spat out, "Well..." and then nothing. I couldn't finish the sentence.

I did not want to bring up anything in case, just in case, The H's weren't offended by the statement. If they weren't, I didn't want to make them think of that statement in a different light. But Buster knew I was upset. I sulked for about 30 minutes, then forced myself out of it.

But honestly, do I really need more reminders that I am not normal? I think it's something like 80% of couples will get pregnant their first year of trying. Out of the remaining 20%, half of those will get pregnant the second year. I'm in that third category. The other 10%. No one wants to be in this category. It blows giant balls (like I need to tell many of you...)!

Why can't I be in the hard-to-get-in category in something worthwhile, like winning the lottery? Or finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? No, I get stuck with the humdinger of a title: infertile. (Yes, I typed humdinger! And I'm not even 80!)

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In other news, AF is not here. Yesterday, after our morning BD, I had some spotting. I assumed she would show last night. Not only did she not show, I have no more spotting. She is such a tease. I'm ready to get on with next cycle. But she likes to toy with me, so here I am, stuck in a holding pattern.

On my way home, I will stop at Walgreens. I need to get a new BBT thermometer, and I guess I will pick up a cheapie pack of HPTs. I don't expect anything, but if she isn't here soon I will pee on one again, just to make sure something miraculous didn't take place in my ute.

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I am inching ever closer to 100 followers! As soon as I get there, I will have a giveaway! Just a reminder! :) (And OMG how I love exclamation marks!!!)

Of frozen pipes and Sunday spotting

 It's cold. Really cold. The kind of cold that freezes the inside of your nostrils. When I woke up yesterday morning, it was 6 degrees outside.

I attempted to do my normal routine yesterday morning. Wake up, brush my teeth, contacts in, let Kelsey out. On the weekends, I then go put on a pot of coffee. When I went to fill up the pot, I noticed that no water was coming out of the faucet. AWESOME! Our kitchen sink pipes froze. Luckily, our bathroom pipes were still in working order. But...still.

It's just dreadfully inconvenient. So we rigged up the hair dryer so that we wouldn't have to stand there holding it, but that didn't do much. Then we borrowed a space heater from the in-laws and set it up and just let it run. All day. All night. Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, I hear the rush of water. YES! The space heater had worked its magic, and our pipes were unthawed. Crisis averted.

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I am spotting a bit. AF will arrive in full force tonight or tomorrow morning, which is great. I will call the RE tomorrow and see about my CD3 appointment.

I am feeling more and more discouraged with my RE office. I just get the feeling that they aren't taking this whole thing as seriously as I am, and I desperately want them to. I don't want to waste time and money doing things that haven't worked in the past.

The most unfortunate thing about it is that there is no other RE in town. None. I don't live in a tiny town, but it's not huge either. I mean, we have about 70,000 people (when the students are in). You'd think we'd have more than one freaking fertility doctor. But no.

I will have to drive a minimum of 90 minutes (each way) to get to the closest reputable clinic. I'm willing to do it, too. But, as it's in a different state, I need to check and make sure my insurance will work the same and all that. And this is assuming that my RE office denies me the injectibles and tries to force some more Femara on me.

Happy ICLW Friday!

Quick summary for those of you who may be stopping by for the first time:Buster (my husband) and I have been hoping to get pregnant for almost 4 years now. For the past 15 months or so, we've been really trying hard (reading, obsessing, peeing on things, IF treatments, etc). We have been "diagnosed" with unexplained infertility (nothing wrong with me that they can tell, Buster has super sperm). I am awaiting AF so I can officially say this past IUI cycle failed. I have done 3 rounds of Clomid, several months of Metformin (for no apparent reason, lol) and this past cycle was my first with Femara. I hope to convince (read: force) my RE to go the injectibles route for next cycle. So that's it, in a nutshell! Oh, it's probably worth mentioning that we are currently in a bad luck slump. I'm hoping we are at the tail-end of it, as we have gotten our fill.

This short week for me has lasted a year. With several BFNs early in the week, and several knock-down, drag-out fights with Buster later in the week, I am ready for a beer. Or ten. One failed IUI coupled with job loss and non-working vehicles makes for a shitty week!


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Song of the day! "Evening on the Ground (Lilith's Song)" by Iron and Wine. Enjoy! :)

If you feel discouraged that there's a lack of color here...

Yesterday I tested with an Equate and yet another IC. They were both BFNs, which is not terribly surprising. I won't lie, I cried. I was just so ready for 2011 to be a banner year. To start off the year with a bang. Alas, it was not meant to be (I love using the word "alas').

So, I cried. I mourned this IUI cycle that wasn't meant to be. I cried for me and for Buster, and for our dreams being broken, yet again. I am determined to force my RE into giving me injectibles for this upcoming cycle. I want two or three follies, dammit. And I will not rest until I have them!

Buster did a great job of comforting me, and we had a wonderful evening of cuddling on the couch and watching Chopped. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and ready to face the next cycle. I realize that AF is still 3 or 4 days out, but I am fully prepared for her to arrive. And if she doesn't, lovely. But she will.


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A fellow IF-blogger and friend (who has amazing taste in literature!) has recently started an Etsy store. She and her husband will be using the proceeds to help fund their adoption. Please check it out, and if you are feeling especially spunky, feel free to link her shop on your blog! :)


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I am long overdue in posting a cute puppy picture. If you recall, we gave my MIL a puppy for Christmas. Her name is Lulu. Here is a photo she sent me recently of Lulu sleeping. The body of the email said, simply, "Thank You!"

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Today's post title is from the song "A Lack of Color" by Death Cab for Cutie. <3

We were better off as animals, right?

I'm really tempted to complete the following sentence:

"I could only be unluckier if..."

It would come true, so I refuse to jinx myself.

Buster drove me to work this morning. Well, attempted to drive me to work this morning (FYI, Buster's car is dead in our parking lot). About halfway to my office, we hear a strange noise. That noise that means you have a flat tire. Luckily (ha!) we were right by a gas station. We get over in to the turning lane and pull in right beside the fancy air pump machine thing.

Ok, yes it was bad luck. But, at this point, I'm in the car thinking, "At least I will only be like 15 minutes late for work at this point. This day is salvageable!"

 

The air machine was broken. The tire looked the same after 15 minutes of "putting air into it". Now what? I suggest to Buster that we call AAA. What's that? We don't have AAA anymore? Awesome! 

Buster decides to change the tire and use the spare. We had a jack in the trunk as well. So, he gets it out and starts cranking the handle on the jack, raising the car. After about 5 excruciating minutes, CLUNK! The jack breaks. Yes, you read that correctly. At this point, I start crying.

So I call my MIL to come get me and take me to work. Buster stays there with the car and waits for a tow truck. En route to my office, MIL tells me that we really should start going to church.

Yeah...here's the thing about that. I am spiritual. I pray. But I don't buy in to the whole church thing. When I was young we were forced to go to church by my grandparents. This was the kind of church that people danced up and down the aisles with tambourines and fainted and talked in tongues. I just can't get down with that. Plus, the whole collection plate and all. I just don't know. 

Anyway, ok, so obviously MIL thinks Buster and I are being punished for our lack of churchgoing. Last week my grandmother hinted the same thing, in regards to TTC. Really? I'm really being punished? I'm a nice person. I go out of my way to do things for the people I care about. I have a hard time believing that some being greater than myself would seek me out to torture me.

Right now we are down to zero working vehicles. They had to order a new tire for me, and it won't be in until tomorrow. 

All I want to do tonight is curl up in a ball and sob. 2011 is not starting out the way I had hoped.

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On a positive note (yes, you read that correctly!), I had my third Weight Watchers meeting today. I lost another 2.5 lbs, so I am down 6.5 total. I'm pretty excited about that! I even had two cookies this past weekend (and they were DIVINE!!). So at least that is going well.

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My friend Lisa, who is in the midst of her TWW from her second IVF cycle, is having a giveaway on her blog! Four things!! Definitely check it out if you haven't yet!

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Today's title comes from Cursive's "From the Hips":

The gymnast, high above the ground

You know that line between Hope and Skepticism? That is where I currently reside, teetering ominously, not sure which way to fall.

I've been talking about how I need to be more positive. Buster needs me to be more positive. This past year I have grown more and more negative and skeptical. I hate being the cynic. I hate automatically thinking what could go wrong with each and every scenario I am presented with. It gets exhausting! I want to think happy things, like rainbows and unicorns. Or unicorns pissing rainbows. You know, the like.

I have tested, multiple times, the past couple of days. Multiple times a day, to be exact. On some sticks I see a faint whisper of where a line should be, on others I see nothing. I'm 10dpo today, which could definitely be early. Or, I could not be pregnant and that's that. See why I'm teetering? A little bit of hope dies each time I don't see a prominent line on a Wondfo.

Do people honestly remain super hopeful in these kinds of situations? With month after month of disappointment, of willing a fucking line to appear on a stick.

I had lunch with my super-religious grandmother last week. She doesn't speak to my family much anymore. She doesn't approve of my gay sister, among other things. It's a tricky situation, and one that is wrought with hurt. I filled her in on our TTC struggles. She said something about how God punished women by making them bear children. I'm ready for my punishment, please.

So today I'm not overly skeptical (regardless of what my post may infer, lol) and I'm not overly hopeful. I'm just... here. I'm already planning out next cycle when this one doesn't work. I'm already planning how to tell Buster that I'm pregnant if it does. I am prepared for each and every situation. But being prepared and being unaffected are unicorns of a different color. But hurt is just part of this process, and that is a fact.

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For your listening pleasure, here is The Decemberists with "The Gymnast, High Above the Ground"

Of Salmonella, snow and Sirius

I have not had anything interesting to post about in the past several days. I've thought about blog entries every day, but could never come up with any remotely interesting ideas. My week has been pretty boring.

Buster is convinced that I caught a case of that pesky Salmonella. He cites the fact that I've eaten a lot of eggs this week, and perhaps I didn't fully cook some of them. Or there was "residue" on them (residue of what I'm not sure!). About 2:00 yesterday I started feeling really feverish, got a horrendous headache and had to run to the bathroom. I'm not sure what it was all about, but I'm practically better today. The headache still lingers, but otherwise I'm alright. If I was sick over my 3-day weekend I would have been upset, to put it mildly!

We got lots of snow this past week. Probably 6 inches, which may not be a lot to some people, but to me it is. Mainly because I do not own a 4-wheel-drive vehicle. So currently, snow is my enemy. My beautiful enemy.

On Tuesday I had my second Weight Watchers meeting. I was down 4 lbs from the week before!! This excites me. If I can get past the 10 lb threshold, I think losing will be a lot easier because I will notice the progress.

On the TTC front, I have had no discernible symptoms. Unless you count the Salmonella symptoms. But I really think that was from the edible eggs, not the eggs that I hope are doing something inside of me. Today is "8 dpo". It is in quotes because, with all the chaos surrounding my O date, who really knows what I am! I decided to POAS this morning. It appears to be darkest control line in history. Needless to say, there is no dye on any other part of the test, besides the control line.

Oh well! The skeptic in me is usually right, as much as I hate that. If this cycle is a bust, I am going to ask for some injectibles for next cycle. I'm getting serious Sirius.

****REMINDER****

Once I get to 100 fans, I'm going to have a giveaway!! I think I will do either an Amazon or iTunes gift card, or a fertility bracelet. I'm not sure how many winners yet, but I will keep you posted!

I'm trying to let it go...

I took one day off from peeing on sticks. That was CD14. I was feeling pretty good about our timing. Fast-forward to yesterday after work. CD15. I peed on an opk. It was positive! WTF?!

So, of course, I freak out. I curse myself for doing the IUI on Friday. I wallow in my own self-pity for a couple of hours. Buster tries to pull me out of my despair, and only half succeeds. I decide that I will take my temp in the morning, and go from there. If it is not in my post-O range, I will call my RE. If it is, I will let it go.

This morning, my temp was 97.51, which is in my post-O range. So, I'm doing my best to let go of this worry and stress. I can't do anything about it now. It is done, and will either work or not work. None of my incessant worrying about timing will do any good.

I'm also tired of ruining Buster's moods with my needless worrying. We have both decided that I have some kind of anxiety issues, as I will worry about anything and everything. If we were not TTC, I'd consider seeing a doc and getting some meds to help with my anxiety. But for now, I'm just going to have to try to control it.

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 I have a couple friends who could use some support.

First, Lisa at Pursuit of Pregnancy is going in for her Egg Retrieval tomorrow. This is her second attempt at IVF, and she has a great new doc and a fabulous protocol for this cycle! She is the sweetest person I know, and I can't wait until she is a mom!

Second, Aub at The Deep Silence of a Long-Suffering Heart got some unwanted news this week.The results from their post-coital test showed that all of the sperm were dead. This was quite a blow, especially after a perfectly-timed Femara cycle. The news came days after ovulation, so she has quite a wait in front of her. Her blog is fairly new, and I know she would appreciate any support offered.
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On another note, I have my second Weight Watchers meeting today. I'm excited to see if I've lost any weight. I've been doing really well as far as my diet is concerned, so hopefully I will have dropped a pound or two.

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And finally, a song. Sweet Avenue by Jets to Brazil. Disregard the picture of Damien Rice in the video. I don't know why it's there, but there were hardly any versions of this video to choose from on YouTube, and this one has the best sound quality.

IUI #2 and associated worrying

We went to the RE's office yesterday at 2. I go back to the ultrasound room, strip down, hop on the table and wait. In walks my RE and a nurse. Well, how nice of my RE to show up to this appointment! He asks about the positive OPK, and then we do the u/s. My follie, who I have now named Molly, was up from 17mm to 21.3mm. In one day! So much for all that 2mm a day crap that I've read!

So he nods and says yes, we will do the IUI today. Buster goes back and does his thing. We have an hour to kill at this point, so we go to Panera. After we eat, we head back to the clinic, where I leave Buster in the car while I go up. After about 20 minutes they call me back, and I head back in to the same ultrasound room, and go through the same motions I did an hour before.

This time, however, in walks the nurse and the other doctor at the clinic. You know, the fake RE. The guy who is my age and who is NOT an RE. The doctor of "Yeah, it doesn't look like a normal cervix" fame. Well, whatever. At this point, I don't even want to stress or get upset at anything else! Apparently patients are fair game at this clinic, and even if you request a different doctor, you still, sometimes, get stuck with the other one. Oh. Well.

So anyway, Doctor Not-an-RE comes in, and I ask about Buster's donation. 123 million! I didn't think he could do better than the last one, which was 120 million. Of course, he loves to prove me wrong. The IUI part was quick and painless. Doctor Not-an-RE talked about perfume the whole time. Apparently, he's an aficionado. Grats, bro. STFU about perfume and Dolce & Gabbana and baste me already!

Last night I did nothing but lay around on the couch and relax with my Kindle. It was a nice evening.

This morning, with FMU, I peed on an OPK (it is the top one in the pic):

I need to stop peeing on things, I think. It makes me worry that we jumped the gun on the IUI. We will be sure to get busy today and tomorrow, just to cover our bases. This has been a stressful couple of days!!

Hey today, you can suck yourself!

Sigh.

Why can't this be easy? Am I being punished for something? Are the stars up there laughing at my misfortune?

Yesterday, at 6pm and again at 11:30pm, I got positive OPKs. Yep. On CD11. WTF?! What in the bloody hell is that all about? I don't ovulate this early. Fran the Fossil Nurse told me to take an OPK on Saturday, and if it was positive call her. She didn't think it would be an issue, and that I could just trigger Saturday night though. Boy, was Fossil Fran wrong! Good thing I like peeing on sticks, and decided to yesterday.

Here is a photo for your viewing pleasure:

They look positive, yes?

So I called the RE's office. My RE was in the operating room, and Fossil Fran was with a patient. So, I stayed on hold while the receptionist (who is very nice) tried to find a nurse. I was on hold for 10 minutes the first time. She came back, asked if I wanted an u/s today so we could be sure, and I said yes. She said I will need to come in tomorrow for my IUI. She asked to put me on hold again. After 12 minutes this time, she comes back and says that we need to do the IUI today (?). So, I am going in at 2:00 EST for an ultrasound. If it appears that I am ovulating, Buster will do his dirty deed in the bathroom with the subpar "reading" material. Then, we will have to occupy ourselves for an hour while they wash his sperm. At 3ish, I will have the IUI.

So much for making any sort of plans for anything! I am a worrier, and right now I'm worried about several things. Is my egg going to be big enough? Is my lining going to be thick enough? Is this a false positive on the OPKs?


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Also, I found out that they want to move  my office, again. This time, to a cubicle. Which I will share with a stranger. A one-legged stranger, at that.

Can you tell I'm ready for the weekend?

One-follie Molly

My appointment this morning has left me feeling...unfulfilled?

First of all, I think there should be some kind of unspoken rule that bans babies from the RE waiting room. It's not an OBGYN or a pediatrician. I know that makes me sound heartless, but I'm already depressed and forlorn enough without having to stare at a cute 1-year-old, watching how well the dad interacts with the child. The whole time I keep thinking how much I'd like that to be Buster taking care of our baby.

So they call me back, and into the exam room with the ultrasound machine. The nurse leaves so I can disrobe from the waist down. I hop up on the table and cover myself with the sheet thing. And I wait. Pretty much the worst thing happens that could happen at this point: I feel the urge to pass gas (Yes, I'm going there. I already discuss equally as gross things, might as well bring it full circle!). So here is the dilemma: try to hold it, through an ultrasound (!) or let it go and hope it dissipates by the time the doctor comes in. I went with the latter. You should have seen me fanning it out from under the sheet. I'm a mess!

Thankfully they had me waiting for quite a while, so there was no need to be stressed about the above paragraph. Finally, in walks Fran. She's a really, really old nurse. She has been there for centuries, I believe. She's very sweet, and I like her very much... but. I was really disappointed that my RE wasn't doing the u/s. Of course I didn't say anything, for fear of hurting Fran's ancient feelings. She also had in tow a trainee, or student, or something. It is a university-affiliated office, after all.

Totally off the subject, but did you know they use real Trojan condoms over the weird ultrasound dildo?! I thought it was maybe just some special condom-like thing, but no, it's a real condom! They had this little basket of all these red Trojans right on top of the machine. Bizarre.

Anyway, Fran the Fossil did the ultrasound. My lining is 6.3mm, which she said is good. She showed me, on the screen, how there were these black and white layers in the lining, which is apparently good news. I need to do some googling, though, before I'm completely satisfied with that number.

Next, we take a look at my right ovary. There is a nice-looking follie that measures 17mm. She seems pleased with that. I am too. We switch over to the left ovary, and I can already tell we don't have much action. There are two small follies, each measuring 10mm (barely).

So, basically, the Femara did nothing for me. I already ovulate on my own, and I ovulate one egg. That's what I will do this cycle. I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty disappointed that I didn't have two follies. I just feel like there was no point in taking the Femara.

Now, I am still very much looking forward to the IUI. Due to the fact that I've already self-diagnosed myself with having hostile CM (I've not had the post-coital test done), the IUI will bypass all of my hostility and hopefully squirt that sperm where it needs to go. I told my sister this morning that it was like a fancy turkey basting.

I will trigger on Saturday night, and go in for the IUI Monday morning. I voiced my concern to Fran about if for some reason I ovulate early. She told me to do an OPK on Saturday, and if it's positive, call her at home and we will do the IUI on Sunday instead. I took an OPK yesterday, and it had a light line. From my past experience using OPKs, I think I'm about 3 or 4 days out, so I probably will need to do the trigger.

Oh, and I asked about the spotting. She said it could be from estrogen suppression, but that was pretty much all she said on that subject.

Monday (or maybe Sunday) is the big day! I'm nervous, anxious, and excited.

It's gruesome that someone so handsome should care

I don't have much to say of any worth, but here goes some randomness:

Today is CD10. I have been lightly spotting for the past couple of days, which I am attributing to the Femara. My u/s appointment is tomorrow morning, so I will ask my doctor what he thinks about it. It's weirding me out because I never spot. NEVER. On one hand it makes me nervous, but on the other I'm thinking that anything different from the norm may be good.

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I finally got some OPK strips. $17!! But, there was a sticker on the front for a $7 mail-in rebate. I typically forget about mail-in rebates, but hopefully I will do this one.

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Yesterday I started Weight Watchers. They have a program here at work where we have the once-a-week meeting here on site, which is great. So far I'm doing well, but it's only been a day and a half! I have gained over 40 lbs since my wedding 2 1/2 years ago. Some of that I blame on stress, some on fertility crap, and some on just being happy/content. Luckily for me and my waistline, I don't actually hate Coke Zero. Or Diet Dr. Pepper.

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I feel really boring today, and I apologize. I hope tomorrow I can provide an interesting blog post after my appointment.

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Today's blog title comes from This Charming Man by The Smiths. 

The clanking of crystal, explosions off in the distance

It is no longer 2010. My new year has been good, one-and-a-half days in.

NYE was a good time. We went to a "fancy" restaurant here in town. There was 20 of us (including the two douchebags, who totally lived up to their reputation!). The restaurant must have been short-staffed due to the holiday, as service was horrendous (one waiter for our large group) and the food was disappointingly subpar. Yay for a waste of $100. I tried duck for the first time. I was not impressed.

After dinner, we all made our way over to our friends' (actually my husband's cousin's) house to party. It was a good time, and we didn't leave until 3am. I drank champagne out of a plastic (beerpong-type) cup when the ball dropped, and kissed my husband. I also told him I was NOT drinking to 2010, but to 2011 and a great year.

One of the girls in the group had a baby a couple months ago. Her husband had cancer, and because of that they had to do IVF, because he has few sperm due to the chemotherapy. I mentioned something about her baby, and she said, "Speaking of, when are you guys going to have one?"

And there it is. It's inevitable, right? When you get a group of barely-30-year-olds together, this is where the discussion leads. At least among the women. The couple seconds that passed while I thought of how to respond seemed to take forever. Do I just smile coyly and say, "We're working on it!" or... do I divulge the atrocities that have been our TTC journey. Honestly, though, I'm a pretty open book. So, I divulged.

We moved over to the dining room table to get away from people a bit, and I told her practically everything. I also told her to tell me to shut up if she was bored with it, as I can talk endlessly. I told her we'd been trying since 2011, and that this is my first cycle on a new drug. I told her what we had done prior to this cycle, and what a long year 2010 had been. My sister-in-law joined us at the table, and she knows practically nothing about getting pregnant. She asked a lot of questions, and I didn't mind answering. She implied that she feels like a "bad woman", not knowing much about fertility stuff. I told her that I wish I didn't know, because I really wish I didn't know as much as I do. I think all of us struggling with IF would trade our knowledge for an "oops" pregnancy.

It felt good to let it out. I told my friend, who did the IVF, that it was really nice to talk to someone in real life about this, who actually knows what things like IUI stand for. The whole experience was quite therapeutic. We were cut off by the ball dropping, which was just as well. There wasn't much left to be said.

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Buster said to me yesterday, "This year is already starting off better than last year, because we have a dishwasher now!"

Sad, but true. It's interesting how much of an improvement on your daily life that an appliance can make.

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 Today is my fifth and final day of Femara. Ultrasound/follie check this Thursday! I'm pretty excited :)

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I won't lie, I've been planning to use this song for quite a while on my first post of the new year.