Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Maybe it's time to rename Facebook....

I'm so tired of my news feed on Facebook (Babybook anyone?) being dominated by baby stuff today. I'm pissy and infertile, and I feel a headache coming on. I am hungry. I'm eating 1200 calories a day. I gave up candy and cookies and cokes. I have lost 20 fucking pounds. I'M IN PRIME SHAPE FOR HOUSING A SMALL HUMAN IN MY UTE.

I just want a baby. That's all. Just a baby. There are tons born every day, lots to mothers who don't even want them.

I've jumped through hoops. I've injected hormones derived from the piss of post-menopausal women into my abdomen. Buster and I have gotten in countless hormone-induced fights.

How much more of myself do I need to give?

Well, nothing more from myself. All infertility is requiring of me to have a baby is money. Lots of it.

I'm bitter and jaded today.

I apologize.

:(

Annoying.

So Buster had a fever of 101.23 last night. It was a rough night for both of us because of this. Thankfully the fever was down this morning, but he's still feeling rough.

When I came in to work today, an annoying co-worker comes to my office to discuss a project. We small talk for a second before we get into it, and I tell her that I'm exhausted from being up all night with Buster, because men are such babies when they are sick!

She then says, "Oh just wait until you have children! I haven't slept well in 7 years."

...

Friday, June 24, 2011

Yes, I'm that (crazy) bitch!

One day, not too long ago, I was feeling happy and positive regarding my weight loss. Buster and I had plans to go to a new restaurant downtown with our best friends, and I decided to get a new cute dress to wear. I had been uncomfortable wearing a dress for so many months, I was happy to shed my jeans and full-coverage shirts.

On my lunch break, I drove up to TJ Maxx. They always have cute dresses! And I was not disappointed when I got in there. I took armfuls of clothes into the fitting room. The fitting room attendant already hated me, I'm fairly certain. I think she's Russian. She barely speaks English, and likes to give dirty looks. I'm afraid of her.

Anyway, I left the fitting room with 4 super cute dresses! As I am exiting the fitting room area, I see the shoe section. Below is a diagram which should help you picture this scenario:


So, because I have giant feet (size 10!), I walk to the wall of shoes for big feet. I see a couple pairs that catch my eye, grab them, and have a seat at the bench. I set my purse along with my 4 dresses on the (tiny) bench, and try on my first pair. They are a pair of black patent-leather slingback peeptoe Guess pumps with a cork heel. Can you say CUTE?! I can! I put them on, walk over to the mirror, admire my beautiful feet (lol) and head back over to the bench. I sit, take off the Guess pumps, and try on another pair (Charles David). I leave the Guess pumps under the bench, and walk over to the mirror to check out the Charles David shoes. Meh. Not nearly as cute as the Guess ones!

So I head back over to my bench to put my shoes back on, and notice that the Guess pumps are NOWHERE to be found!! WTF! I *just* took them off, and walked like 5 steps away. As you can see in the diagram, those green circles are women and those purple/pink boxes are shopping carts. There were two friends with babies (of course) in their shopping carts chatting away. I peek around the corner, thinking that perhaps one of the ladies mistakenly grabbed my shoes. As I am peeking, I see one of the girls (the green dot that is furthest away from me) getting ready to round the corner heading towards the 5/6 shoes. I barely caught a glimpse of her, but what I did see was a flash of patent leather!!! SHE HAD MY SHOES ON!!!!

Who steals someone's shoes from a bench that has their purse on it?! Seriously!! So I start to get angry. I'm talking to myself, wondering what I should do. I wanted those shoes! I was going to be wearing them out to dinner! They matched one of my dresses!

So as I'm shaking and muttering to myself, pacing around, I decide to confront her. Yep.

I walk down the aisle between the mirror and bench, and round the corner as shoe-stealing-bitch is taking off a shoe, saying to her friend, "I don't know if I should get them..." That was my cue...

Me: Um, hi, sorry to interrupt... I was actually getting ready to buy those shoes. If they were on that bench down there (I pointed), I was going to purchase them... (I trail off).

Her: I got these over there, I swear! (She continues on here, but I stop listening).

As she's explaining to me where she got them, I see a sticker on the shoe. The sticker is bright ass pink, and has a giant 8 on it.

Size 8.

Yep.

Not the same pair.

I then start to apologize profusely, and say that I think I'm going crazy because the shoes I was going to get are missing. I walk away, red-faced and still shaking, embarrassed out of my fucking mind! And it's even worse because I know they are looking at each other like, "What is this crazy girl's problem??"

I make one more trip back to the bench to gather up my stuff, and look once more for the Guess shoes. And I see them... on the shelf. I had put them back on the shelf. I'm not even on hormones anymore. Wtf. Am I senile??

I practically run to the check out line at this point. The line is long, of course, and slow moving. I keep glancing over my shoulder, not wanting to see those girls and their smug faces and accusatory looks. Finally it's my turn at the register. After what seems like a CENTURY, the cashier hands me my receipt and I head for the door, head-down and determined to make it to my car ASAP.

As I push the glass door open and start to step out to freedom, the motherfucking alarm goes off.

Sigh.

I have to go back in because they forgot to take the tag off of one of my dresses.

I am mortified. Horrified. Embarrassed. Ashamed. Any similar adjective you can think of, that was me.

After they remove the tag, I briskly walk to my car, get in, slam the door, and take a couple deep breaths. What a shopping trip!!

Yes, I am that crazy bitch who accuses people of stealing shoes that aren't even technically hers yet.

But, you know, I would do it again for these shoes. That's how amazing they are.



You may now feel better about yourself, and you are welcome. :)

What more is a rainbow than colors out of reach?

Before I get into the best story ever, here's a little mini conversation that occurred last night between Buster and I on our way back from the grocery store:

Me: Man I hope we hit the lottery tomorrow.
Buster: Me too. Then we could open the catering business for your mom and sister and we could go to the beach.
Me: Yeah, that would be perfect!
Buster: And we could have babies!
Me:........ Yeah...
Me: It's sad that we have to hit the lottery to have a baby.

:(

Avett Brothers
"Swept Away: Sentimental Version"

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I am still infertile.


Welcome ICLWers! And hi to my followers! :)

Quick TTC summary for ICLWers:
We have been trying to get pregnant since 2007. I have never been pregnant. We have done 7 medicated cycles, 5 failed IUI cycles. I was recently diagnosed with elevated natural killer cells and antiphospholipid antibodies by Dr. Sher. We are currently trying to get some bills/credit paid down so that we can move forward with IVF with Dr. Sher in Las Vegas.

Basically, it's been (another) rough year. My former RE was ridiculously awful. And finally learning that we wasted months upon months and more money than you can shake a stick at, well... it is enough to leave you gutted. It certainly left me gutted. Oh, and fat. Yep, fat.

I gained 40 pounds since my wedding, and 20 of those since starting fertility treatments. Failing at TTC is pretty much the worst thing you can do to your body. Crazy hormones, roller coasters of emotion, emotional binge eating. Sounds so fun, right?! Yeah, not so much.

We are on a "break" at the moment. We are still BD'ing during my fertile time, but with no expectations and no obsessing. We are just having pretty awesome sex, and I for one have missed it! Planned sex sucks, no way around it.

I've also lost about 18 pounds since January, when I started Weight Watchers. I've been exercising 5+ days a week, and eating healthy. It's a new me (well, sort of. I am still infertile, and unfortunately my identity seems forever intertwined with my inability to conceive).

So there's my year in a nutshell.

Tomorrow I will be telling the best story ever. Ok, maybe not the best ever, but it's pretty amazing. It has nothing to do with TTC, and everything to do with shoe shopping, wrongly accusing strangers of stealing shoes, and embarrassment.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

When you smile the sun it peeks through the clouds

Today is our 3rd wedding anniversary! I am such a lucky girl to have a man like Buster by my side.

And for a little trip down memory lane:


At our rehearsal dinner.
My sister, Buster, myself and my brother. And some bouquets!
My parents and Buster and I.
Our entrance as a married couple!
My very favorite photo of Buster!
Heading out after a long and fantastic day!
The Bahamas <3
___________________

Artist: Band of Horses
Song: Marry Song

Monday, June 13, 2011

Some days, like rain on the doorstep

I want to apologize for my infrequent blog postings! I'm not sure what my problem is. I often think of good posts to write, and then just don't. Lack of motivation and lack of TTC happenings are to blame. I'm committing to getting back into it. Not all of my posts are going to be TTC related, however, because I just don't have much action going on in that department at the moment.

Ok, now that I got that off my chest...

Hi! I've missed you, blog friends!

Have I mentioned before how indecisive I am? If not, please consider yourself warned. So yeah, I canceled the appointment with the RE in Pittsburgh this past Saturday. Buster and I had a talk, and decided to postpone IVF #1 for at least 6 months. We are going to work hard to pay off some debt so that we don't need to take out a loan or open a new line of credit to finance our IVF.

It's the "adult" thing to do, right? After all, not only have I officially been an adult for 11+ years, but I will be THIRTY in 2 months and 2 weeks. Responsible decisions are all the rage at this age (I'm a rhyming machine, I know).

I'm not going to lie, I was sad on Tuesday, the day we made the decision. Super-sad-face-panda sad.

But, by Wednesday I was feeling better. I attribute that to not only realizing and knowing that we are making the right decision, but also to my healthy eating choices and exercise. Having something to focus on makes anything more bearable (!!!! get it?!!!).

Speaking of my healthy choices...

I'm down 17.3 lbs since January! And I've lost 6.3 lbs since joining MyFitnessPal.com! I freaking love that website! And I've also been Shredding...

Please know that while looking for this image, I endured looking at images of people's hands that were caught paper shredders. Damn you, Google images!!
Nope, not that kind of shredding! I've been doing Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred! It's going very well! I did skip this morning, due to a slight strain in my calf muscle, but will be back on board tomorrow morning.And I'm trying out Zumba tonight for the first time ever. Should be interesting...

I've been eating incredibly healthy, and I'm quite proud of myself. Buster is proud of me too :) Nothing feels quite as nice as when he tells me how good and skinny I look. Love that man! <3

_______________

Artist: Iron & Wine
Song: Fever Dream

Enjoy! :)

Thursday, June 2, 2011

June hymn

Happy June! I hope everyone is happy.

So, I don't have much as far as IVF updates, other than I decided to go ahead and keep my appointment with the doctor in Pittsburgh. It can't hurt to get a second opinion, right? As much as I wanted to go ahead and book my plane tickets to Vegas, the appeal of potentially being able to do IVF in Pittsburgh without taking time off work is too compelling. So that appointment is June 11. Buster will (hopefully) go with me, and after we will try to make our decision.

_______________


10 for 30 update!

After gaining back weight I had previously lost over the long weekend (BEER!), I'm back down again! So since I've started my weight-loss journey, I'm down a total of 15.3 lbs!

I've decided to step it up a notch, and ordered Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shred DVD. I started this morning, and I'm already feeling it! My limbs feel a bit jello-y today, and I'm sure I'll be hurting tomorrow. But I'm hoping I will see a nice change after 30 days.

We leave for the beach in a month and a half, so that is my big focus right now. Want to drop as much as I can before then. After the beach, I will focus on my 30th birthday, which will be coming up at the end of August.


_______________


Today's blog post title is brought to you by (who else?) The Decemberists. The song is June Hymn. Enjoy!

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