fun distractions

I can't tell you how much I want this post to be a bitch-fest about a plethora of things (the agony of waiting for our next FET, the stresses of dogsitting for the in-laws this week, the catastrophic discovery that I forgot my Burt's Bees chapstick at home today). But, I refuse to subject you to it. You're welcome!

Instead, I want to talk about a couple fun things, some of which will prove to be nice distractions while we await our FET.

First up, Buster is building us a dining room table. Exciting, right?!

A couple of months ago I read a blog post about making your own farm table. For the life of me, I cannot remember where I read it. I naturally assumed it was from Sawdust and Embryos, since they are always building/refinishing amazing pieces! After searching for about 20 minutes on that blog, however, I could not locate the post. If any of you know what I'm talking about, please remind me!

I did manage to bookmark the link and plans they (the mysterious they) used to build their table, though. It's something at least, right?  Here are a couple photos from Ana White's blog post, where the plans originated:

Copyright furniturehacked.wordpress.com 

Copyright furniturehacked.wordpress.com

So that's the general idea of the table! Buster spent about $250 on materials. I realize that's way more than Ana spent when she built hers, but she had reclaimed wood laying around. We do not, unfortunately. So, Buster bought the lumber for the frame of the table at Lowe's, and went to a local wood shop for the pieces for the top. Buster is a perfectionist when it comes to craftsmanship, and he did not like the look of the lumber at Lowe's for the top of the table.

But $250 in materials for a table that can seat 8-10 (according to Buster... it actually looks more like 6 comfortably to me, but whatever)? Yes please!

Here is a photo of his progress so far (he started working on it Monday, and has been doing things here and there for the last couple of days):

I will continue taking photos of the progress, and share them with you when it's all finished! Buster is waiting to get the top lumber in, and soon after he will start distressing.

Now, not only do we not currently have a dining room table, we also lack chairs. So I've been on the lookout for some. I really want to go for a modern, leather-looking chair. I like the mix of modern with rustic. Here's a photo I found that illustrates the look/feel I'm going for:

Source: google.com via Docica on Pinterest

Ok, so I'm not going orange, or weird shrubs with balls on them. But, I want leather chairs with a rustic table. I'm liking some chairs I see on Pier 1's website:

© Pier 1 Imports

© Pier 1 Imports

We'd probably end up going with a chocolate brown, but I'd love a colorful chair. They sell this chair in a beautiful green and also a teal that I love! Unfortunately, neither green nor teal go with my living room furniture, and since it's all open... yeah, so...we are limited to red, brown, or black.

After we get the table and chairs squared away, my next project in the dining room will be the light fixture. It is an ugly, tacky, "gold" chandelier. It is so gaudy and just... bleh. I've been asking Buster to take it down so we can (spray?) paint it black. I think it will be a huge improvement! Maybe some new globes while we're at it.

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Next up on my fun distraction list is Belle's March Photo Challenge. If you haven't been to Belle's blog Scrambled Eggs, check it out (I LOVE the simple yet creative design!). Belle is currently in that ever-so-tough place between retrieval/fertilization and frozen transfer. I can relate! She wanted a distraction, thus her photo challenge was born.

I've never taken part in a photo challenge, but why not start now? I need a distraction! Plus, it's (another) creative outlet for me. You know, designing for a living isn't fulfilling all of my creative needs... (ok, that was sarcasm!). But, I rarely take photos. I wish I took more. And this will give me that opportunity!

The challenge starts tomorrow, and it's pretty laid back. Hop on over to her March Photo Challenge post and leave a comment if you wish to participate!

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Last and well, probably least... I spent $20 on a Golden Retriever desk calendar. Yep. Well, ok, it was $15 + shipping. I thought it would cheer me up while I'm at work. I think $20 is worth loving my office a bit more, right? Who doesn't love a photo of a Golden frolicking in the flowers?!!

And I'm totally going to be that person who tacks up all the old calendar pictures in her office. I can't throw those happy Goldens away. It would just feel...wrong. So I'd much rather be known as the Crazy Dog Lady...

three zero zero

300 posts ago...

...I started my blog on my 2nd wedding anniversary.

...I was excited about TTC.

...I was charting BBT.

...I was peeing on OPKs.

...I was naively thinking I would be pregnant by the end of 2010.

...I met some amazing women on a TTC forum, who I am still friends with today. The majority of them have babies now.

...I wrote this: "It brings tears to my eyes thinking of us, laying on the bed in the house on Chestnut Ridge Road, speaking of having children like it was easy." I was already sad, 300 posts ago.

So much has changed since the inception of my blog, yet so much has remained the same.

We became a family of three, but not in the way we had so desperately hoped. Our sweet little girl has beautiful blonde hair, but she didn't get it from Buster.

It's so difficult to remember much else from the past two years, other than doctor's appointments, procedures, medicine, tears, disappointment, misery. 

How depressing is that? I don't want to look back on "the good ol' years" and only remember our struggles.

The innate desire to be a mother was strong 300 posts ago, and that has not changed.

This past Friday I had to choke back tears while in line at Starbucks. The man in front of me was holding the chubbiest four-month-old baby ever. And her eyes were so blue and big. She was smiling at me and cooing and flirting with Buster. And at first I didn't think anything at all.

But then it hits you, like a ton of fucking bricks. 

I turn to Buster with hot tears stinging my eyes and say, "I really, really want a baby."

News flash, right?

So here I am, 300 posts later. At least the theme of my blog has remained consistent, right? Silver lining, and all that...

Thank you for sticking with me, supporting me, and just being out there, reading what I say. This blog has been amazingly therapeutic for me, and I hope it continues to be.

small update on Aub

I have been in touch with Aub's mom, and she informed me about an hour ago that Aub is not in labor! They think she might have a kidney stone, but nothing has been confirmed. Please continue to keep her and her boys in your thoughts.

Stay put, baby boys!

My dear friend Aub could use your thoughts and prayers right now. She is two days shy of 24 weeks pregnant with twin boys. And she is currently in the hospital (L&D) as she's been having contractions all morning.

Please drop by her blog and give her your well-wishes, and remember her and her babies in your prayers.

Thank you, friends!

stage fright

Well, ICLW is here. And I have nothing to talk about.

What a horrible impression first-time readers must have of me and my blog.

I have been utterly swamped at work. My "need to respond to" email list is growing longer by the day. Unfortunately my brain has turned to oatmeal, and nothing good is coming from that region at the moment.

I'm currently several days past ovulation, (im)patiently waiting for my next period. The next ten days can't pass quickly enough.

My hcg beta level was 6.5 at the beginning of last cycle. It has to be back to zero by now, right?

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I'm going to a wedding on Saturday. And I feel like sharing with you my new dress and shoes.

Image courtesy of Target.com

Image courtesy of Nordstrom.com

Cute, right?! Never mind the fact that today it's 60 degrees, but on Saturday they are calling for snow... Cold toes here I come!


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I've been revisiting some music that I loved years ago, but haven't listened to recently. A band that falls in to that category is Far. Enjoy!

Happy ICLW!

Happy February ICLW!

(I really wanted to type "Februany". Effing Subway commercials...)

If you are visiting my humble piece of real estate on the intrawebs for the first time, welcome! My blog focus is centered on my ups and downs trying to achieve pregnancy (and to maintain it!). I do talk about other stuff some, like TV (mostly reality competition shows, like Project Runway, Face Off, Survivor, etc), my beautiful princess dog, shopping, whatever I feel like, etc.

Before I give the customary brief synopsis of our journey-to-parenthood thus far, I'm going to tell you a few random things about myself. Many of you "regulars" may not even know this stuff, so... enjoy!

• I play a lot of video games. Most recently I've played so much Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 that my wrist hurts. I tell people (that don't know about my addictions) that my wrist hurts because I'm on a computer all day for work (which I am...).
• I'm a graphic designer, but my dream is to someday open up my own restaurant with my mom and sister (who are both chefs).
• I can't live without my Burt's Bees Beeswax Lip Balm. Honestly, I'm not even kidding. Things get really ugly, really fast when I'm somewhere without it.
• I have five tattoos. I love 3 1/2 of them. I hate one of them.
• Why is Pandora playing the Beatles right now?? No thanks! Thumbs down.
• I think I overuse the comma. If excessive punctuation bothers you, I apologize.

Ok, that's enough randomness.

Brief Synopsis of Our Journey-to-Parenthood Thus Far

My husband (Buster) and I were married in June of 2008. We had started NTNP about a year prior to our wedding. Nada. So, we visited an RE and had some testing done. Everything came back normal. We did an IUI. It failed. We decided to try (harder) naturally. I had a LEEP procedure. We then dove in head-first into medicated IUI cycles (4 1/2 to be exact... our last IUI was cancelled because I had eight mature follicles). All of the IUIs failed.

We started looking in to IVF. We didn't have the money to pursue. I was told of a magical place in NYC that does IVF for free (ok, it's not exactly like that... it's a clinical trial, but it feels magical. Like there should be unicorn and fairy doctors and rivers of chocolate in the waiting room).

In November of 2011, we had our first ever transfer (it was an FET - trial protocol). It worked! We were having a baby!! After a blissful 40 days filled of ultrasounds, pills (progesterone, estrogen, steroid), and injections (Lovenox), we received the bad news at our 9-week ultrasound that our little baby no longer had a heartbeat. Devastated doesn't begin to cover it.

I started off the New Year with awful news and a D&C. Last week I finally received the results from the testing after the D&C. Our little girl had Turner Syndrome.

And that brings us to now: waiting for my next AF. I will have blood work done on my next CD3, and if everything comes back normal, we will proceed with FET #2. And I am so ready for it.

an answer and a wave of numbness

One day shy of 6-weeks post-D&C, my doctor has finally called me with the results of the testing performed on the tissue/baby/products of conception.

The results are that my baby girl had Turner Syndrome (also known as Monosomy X).

From miscarriage.about.com:

Monosomy X, commonly known as Turner Syndrome, is a chromosome disorder in which a girl or woman has only one complete X chromosome. (Because a Y chromosome is needed for a person to be male, all babies with Turner Syndrome are girls.) Though girls born with Turner Syndrome usually have good odds for a normal life, the majority of babies with the condition are lost to miscarriage or stillbirth.

And some statistics from the same site:

About 1 in every 1,500 to 2,500 newborn babies has Turner Syndrome. Yet according to research, monosomy X is present in about 3% of all conceptions, but about 99% of affected babies are miscarried or stillborn. The condition is thought to be a factor in roughly 15% of all miscarriages.

I cried when listening to the voicemail from my doctor. I cried while telling Buster.

But now I just feel numb. I'm not sure I am even able to process this right now.

I should be feeling relief, I think. Relief that this was not immune-related.

And relief that this is most likely a random happening. There is a rare type of Turner Syndrome that is genetic, and involves the partial deletion of the X chromosome. It is quite rare, though, and I would need to have a karyotype done to know for sure if that is an issue with us.

My doctor would not recommend pursuing karyotyping unless we have another similar loss. And I agree with him.

For now, I'm going to assume this was random bad luck.

I suppose I am relieved to have an answer, I just don't feel relieved.

I don't really feel much of anything right now.

My thoughts on "The Truth About IVF"

This post is in response to SIF's post, "The Truth About IVF". I recommend reading it before reading mine. You might also like to read Lindsey's response here (interesting not only because I adore Lindsey and SIF, but because they are friends in real life). And to be thorough, here is a link to SIF's most recent post, which is on this same topic.

As many blogs as I follow (and that's a large number), there are only about 25 that I read religiously. Every.Single.Post. Single Infertile Female is one of those blogs. I love her writing style. I love her sense of humor. I think we'd be friends in real life (yes, I'm totally a creepster!).

So, on a Monday morning past, while sipping my coffee and trying to get myself motivated to do some work, I read her post about her feelings on IVF, and how they have changed.

It wasn't until about three-quarters of the way down the page that I started to feel a little uncomfortable.

What started to make me uneasy was when it shifted from the "IVF is not something I feel comfortable doing again" theme to the "IVF is going too far in general" theme.

As an infertile who has no chance at conceiving except for immaculate conception or IVF, it's hard not to take offense when someone disagrees with your chosen path.

But I wasn't, and still am not, mad. I didn't get angry reading her post. After all, personal opinions are what you expect when you follow someone's blog.

And SIF has been through IVF. Twice. So, she has every right to form her own opinion about what is right for her. I'd rather read opinions about IVF from people who have been-there-done-that, rather than from people who barely know what IVF stands for.

I do know that I instantly started defending IVF in my head. And my first instinct is to compare IVF to some kind of life-saving treatment, like chemotherapy. I tried to justify it this way in my head for a while, and then I realized that infertility and cancer are not on the same level.

As much as I sometimes think that infertility is the end of the world, it's not the end of my life.

So, to compare infertility and cancer, IVF and chemo... it's not a fair comparison. Or is it? No, you can't die from infertility, but chemotherapy and IVF are both medical procedures. They are comparable in that respect, at least.

It's a slippery slope when we start on the path of questioning whether medical procedures are going too far. Are life-saving medical procedures and medicines the only ones that get the free pass? Is medical intervention going too far when it helps alleviate debilitating pain that wouldn't have been fatal? Where do we draw a line? And who is this "we" that makes these decisions?

Because I can't conceive naturally, should I just live out the rest of my days barren? I can't afford to adopt, unfortunately (I didn't realize the average cost of domestic adoption was $32,000 until reading it here). I'm not sure that the foster-to-adopt route would be right for me, as I've seen heartbreak in that arena when children are returned to their birth parents.

I was lucky enough to be accepted into a clinical trial for my IVF, so my cost has not been considerable.

And I will do what it takes to become a mother, and to make Buster a father.

I've never thought that IVF was going too far. That it was toying with what shouldn't be. And that's where the comparison to cancer, or any life-changing medical condition, can come in to play. Why should we only alter our fates when it comes to saving our lives?  Why shouldn't I want to alter my childless future? If the technology exists, and has proven to be safe, why would I not do everything in my power to fulfill my dreams?

I can understand why IVF is not something that everyone would pursue, whether it be due to religious, financial, or emotional reasons. And I can completely understand why SIF would not want to go through another IVF cycle. But to make the leap from it not being right for her personally to saying it's going too far for everyone, well I can't agree with that.

Because I don't think it's going too far.

But that's just my opinion. And like SIF, I'm entitled to mine.

leftovers, part II

Leftovers, part II includes a little of: Whitney Houston, DMV, Spartacus, coffeeeeeee, Face Off, and Project Runway All Stars. Enjoy!

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I am the most uninformed person on earth (minus my unfortunate extensive knowledge on infertility, TTC, etc). I don't watch any news, nor do I read up on any news. I think this is mainly due to my frustration with politics.

Needless to say, I didn't know Whitney Houston died until Monday night. She died on Saturday. I realize that's not an incredible lapse of time, but still... I felt so out of the loop when I found out.

Yes, I'm more distraught about not hearing about Whit's death than I am upset about all of the real news stories I'm missing.

pri • or • i • ties

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Why is the DMV always full of the most tragic people in town? I cringe when I go in there. Kids running amok, the worst-dressed people in history, body odor, and the like.

Is your DMV like this?

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Buster and I watched and enjoyed the first season of Spartacus. It took me a little while to get used to the blood and violence (ok, I never got used to it. I just cover my eyes like a three-year-old).

The actor who played the lead role of Spartacus, Andy Whitfield, died in September from cancer. They replaced him in the series with someone 11 years younger, and it has thrown everything off for me.

But even more than that, the absence and replacement of several other characters has made this latest season of Spartacus practically unbearable for me.

Also, the writing is just sub-par. It's always been a little lacking, but this season is quite bad.

We've watched the first 3 episodes, and I don't think we will be watching anymore. Although, I'm curious to see how Lucretia's role plays out (played by Lucy Lawless).

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All I want to eat today is coffee. I'm on my 3rd cup, and I'm counting this as lunch. I haven't eaten any food yet today. I'm so healthy, right?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Tonight is Face Off night!!

As usual, I enjoyed last week's episode. I was thrilled that RJ won the challenge! Although I'm not sure how I feel about him yet, I am cheering for him because he is from my state. And let's face it, not that many people are. So, by default, he gets my support.

I also completely agree with Athena (aka Ukrainian Britney Spears) being sent home. She has done nothing impressive. I fear that Tara may be soon to go as well. She's been in the bottom several times, and hasn't been too memorable.

And I think this is an unpopular opinion based on previous comments from my fellow Face Off fans, but I don't like Beki. She really rubs me the wrong way. Her bloody makeup in the beginning of the episode was very good. I'll give her credit where it's due. But, she's an annoying know-it-all. I don't like her and I will be happy when/if she is ever eliminated!


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Unfortunately I will miss the episode of Project Runway All Stars tomorrow night. Bummer! I'm babysitting later than usual.

I really didn't enjoy last week's episode all that much. Yes, the cattiness between Jerell and Michael was amusing. It did seem to me that Michael blatantly ripped off Jerell's idea, but I'm not sure that's against the rules anywhere. Morally it's probably not the best way to go, but they aren't being judged on morals here.

I didn't think Jerell's design should have won. As much as I can't stand Kenley, nor can I see any real person wearing her design, I thought it was interesting, cute and well-made.

Austin's was... well, awful. I hated all of it. Even the pants that the judges seemed to fawn over.

Kara's was super boring.

Mondo's design was just there. Nothing spectacular.

I just wasn't wowed this episode. I guess that might be because it was sportswear. I want to see more evening gowns!

i am alone in my defeat

I know this isn't a revelation. Many of you already know this.

Holidays blow big donkey balls.

I guess for every holiday (for the rest of my life?) I will be sad, thinking of the baby we lost.

Today is no exception.

No amount of stupid heart-boxed chocolates or cheesy cards or jewelry will make my baby magically reappear in my stomach.

I should be 15 weeks.

I don't want to start my sentences off with "I should be" any longer.

I don't want to celebrate Valentine's Day.

I don't want to be here at work.

I don't want to think about my miscarriage.

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Here's some emo for your Valentine's Day pleasure:
Dashboard Confessional - Screaming Infidelities

the leftovers, part 1

Here is a collection of random tidbits and thoughts that are not enough to merit their own post. I'm going to lovingly call these little nuggets of my life, "The Leftovers", and will most likely continue this trend in the future.

This week's Leftovers include: a fender bender, family stresses, SIF's IVF post, and taxes
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I was rear-ended on Tuesday.

It was my lunch break, and I was headed to WalMart to stock up on essentials (tampons, bubble bath, Burt's Bees Beeswax Lip Balm, Cokes, pepperoni, cheese, TP). Well, I was at an intersection which required me to yield before merging onto the busy main road. Apparently the college girl behind me (decked out from head-to-toe in "Pink" by VS) decided she didn't want to yield, and subsequently smashed into the back of my Jeep

My first thought: "Are you fucking kidding me?"

It was an extremely busy week at work, and a super busy day, and I just didn't have time to deal with this. So I pull off, assess the damage (some scratches on my bumper; the front of her car is mangled to hell), and force myself to be somewhat nice to this girl. She doesn't want insurance involved because she's "already paying like $130 a month". Welcome to the real world, sweetheart. Anyway, I copied down the info from her insurance card and take off.

I call Buster, and he is immediately perturbed that I didn't call the police and file an accident report. He was worried that she might say I backed in to her, and somehow we would get fucked. Ugh. So I told him I would go to the police station and file an accident report the next day. I never did, because I'm BUSY at work. Who has time to go to the police station?? Not me!

Last night, Buster's mom calls us and says that I need to report this to insurance. Something similar happened to her, and they cut her a $500 check for the damage. So, I called. And I feel guilty! That college girl thought I wasn't going to be reporting it to the insurance companies, and here I am, doing just that. I can't help feeling bad, but oh well. I'm still waiting to hear back as to what is going to happen.

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I love my family.

But they certainly know how to stress me out!

I've blogged about this before, but I have a problem saying "no", especially to my family.

My brother has asked me to do a resume for his friend (who was recently fired from his job). Of course, I said yes. My brother said that it should take me too long because they provided all of the info, etc etc.

First of all, what does my brother know about how long it takes to do a resume? I am the one who did HIS resume.

Sigh.

Then I had a voicemail from my aunt (yes, the one of "Have your sister carry a baby for you" fame) asking if I would design an invitation to my cousin's bridal shower. I'm going to say yes (even though Buster is adamant that I say no).

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I've been meaning to write up a response to this post by Single Infertile Female. I haven't had the time to get my disjointed thoughts into something someone would want to read, but it's on my agenda.

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Taxes. Ugh.

This year, instead of me doing our taxes, I am taking them somewhere. This is because Buster started his business last year, and this just throws a whole new wrench into filing our taxes.

I also might be claiming our medical expenses, if it works out to where it's better than taking the standard deduction for a married couple. This means I get to go back through the last 12 months in my bank account and try to sort through my payments. Fun!

February FET: it's a no go

My clinic finally called me at about 5:30 p.m. yesterday.

While "everything looks great", I guess it doesn't look great enough for a February FET. I was in the car when I took the call, so I couldn't write down any of the specifics (LH, estrogen, progesterone, etc), but I do remember the hcg number: 6.5.

So, there is still hcg in my system. I incorrectly assumed that because my period showed up that meant no more hcg.

I was (and still am) disappointed. I was ready to move ahead, to give myself something tangible to focus on.

But, deep down I know this is ok. More than ok, actually. Because right now I don't really have time to deal with an FET. March will be a much better month for me at my job, regarding work load. So, I know it's for the best in more ways than one.

So, let the countdown begin!
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Thank you for all of your responses yesterday, and your shared outrage at my RE. Many of you asked if there was anyone else somewhat close, and the answer, unfortunately, is no. The next closest RE's office is probably 45 minutes away, and I just can't pull that off with work. Luckily, I only have to deal with my RE very briefly each time, and only up until transfer. After that, I'll be in the capable hands of my clinic in NYC, and then my OBGYN.

at least he's consistent

My former RE, that is.

If you've been following me for a while, you may remember my laments on the subject. I'm not sure how they could be missed, because I complain about that man a lot.

Here are some posts to peruse through, however, if you've missed all the fun:

• Well, I still hate my former RE (November 2011)
• The tale of my rude RE... (March 2011)
• You don't want to die trying to have a baby, do you? (March 2011)
• The highs and lows of my RE's office (February 2011)
• Two is better than one, right? (February 2011)

So as you can see from those examples (or even just the titles), my RE has issues. He is not personable. You feel very tense and awkward in his presence.

Or maybe I'm the one with issues, but I'm pretty sure my issues aren't affecting our relationship. I've talked to countless women from my town who have left my RE's office (some in tears) never to return. 

He's the only game in town, however. So I am forced to return.

I had my CD3 appointment today. Blood work was taken, ultrasound was had.

I'm sure reproductive endocrinologists have to deal with miscarriages all the time. It's just another day in the office.

But to not say ANYTHING in response to, "We had a heartbeat at the 7-week and 8-week ultrasounds, but not at the 9-week ultrasound," well, that just strikes me as... cold. Heartless. Robot-like.

Alas, nothing was said in response to the reveal of my miscarriage.

I filled him in on what medications I was taking during my brief pregnancy. I answered his questions very short and abruptly, mirroring his attitude towards me.

It was awkward, painful, and brutal. But it's over.

My clinic will call me this afternoon with the results from my blood work. Here's to hoping all is normal...

progress; and infertility is not just

I am happy to announce that today is CD2!

AF decided to arrive yesterday, and this was the most excited I've ever been to be bleeding heavily.

I've sent an email to my clinic. Hopefully I will hear from them today regarding my next step.

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I also wanted to clarify my post from late Saturday night. Buster and I were out with our friends and family celebrating his 30th birthday. We had both been drinking, and we were really enjoying ourselves.

The comment that moved me to blog in a bar was from my cousin. Her mom and my mom are twin sisters, and we are extremely close to them.

My cousin is only 22, and I know she did not know any better. She meant no harm in her comment. But, what saddens me is that my aunt is making off-handed remarks about surrogacy. Not only does this infer that something is wrong with me, it's also completely ignorant regarding the investment of choosing surrogacy. Emotional investment, financial, etc.

My infertility is not something I take lightly. Off-handed comments that start "You should just..." are going to anger me. Regardless.

There is no "just" in infertility. And sure, I mean that in more ways than one. There is no "just" in the way my aunt meant it. Nothing comes easy with this, especially decisions. Especially decisions about having someone else carry your child.

And there is no "just" in infertility. Nothing good, upright, deserving. Infertility is, by nature, unjust.

stinging words

"My mom said your sister should just have the baby for you."

There's a statement that can kill a buzz. I'm ready to go home and curl up in bed now.

(we are out celebrating Buster's 30th birthday with friends and family.)

somebody looks like they're coming to America

As many of you know, I'm a big Project Runway fan. I love watching people create something beautiful (or sometimes not so beautiful).

I have several favorites on this season. Unfortunately, one of my faves (April) got the boot last week.

****spoiler alert, in case you haven't watched last night's episode****

Imagine my displeasure when another of my favorites was eliminated last night! Oh Anthony, how I will miss your smiling face, pleasant disposition, and humor. Buster and I belly laughed last night when Anthony said, of Jerell's model, "Somebody looks like they're coming to America!"

I still have some favorites remaining, thankfully. I'm a huge Mondo fan, and always rooting for him. And honestly, how could you not love Austin Scarlett? Hopefully either of my boys will be crowned the winner.

Designers remaining that I'm not a fan of: Kenley, Michael, Mila.

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Face Off this week was enjoyable. Last week they did body painting, which is always a bit whimsical. This week's challenge was horror makeup. Bring on the creepiness!

Because there are so many contestants still remaining, it's more difficult for me to give you my list of favorites and non-faves. I am pretty surprised that Athena is still around after last week, though. Does anyone else think she resembles a Ukrainian Britney Spears?

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I often check to see what is being googled that brings people to my blog. I find it intriguing. It also reaffirms one of my reasons for blogging: helping others by sharing information.

One google phrase that often points users to my blog is "duck boobies".

Yep. Thanks to this post.

I also think the phrase "duck boobies" has been searched for in German, and it still pointed to my blog.

Today's winner is "voldemort stalker". Yay for Harry Potterness!

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In exciting news, The Avett Brothers are coming to my town! Tickets went on sale today, and I was able to snag some. I can't wait!

The Avett Brothers - At The Beach

the admission

One benefit to being infertile (yes, I just typed that) is that I've really been forced to come to terms with my emotions and feelings.

In the beginning (beginning meaning around 2 years in to TTC), I would just feel. My emotions would run rampant, and I let them. Like a wild horse. I was bitter, jealous, unhappy.

(Ok, so maybe not like a wild horse. Generally wild horses must be happy, right? They get to run along the beach and stuff...)

Starting this blog was my first step in identifying my feelings. Typing out my thoughts provoked me to actually think about why I was feeling a certain way. 

(Many of you may be thinking that I should have learned to do that years ago. I don't know when people really start to fully understand their emotions. To realize what triggered a thought or feeling, why you reacted the way you did, and how you can take steps to avoid getting upset. Perhaps I'm late to this party. I never claimed to be an early-developer! I'm like a real grown-up now!)

I've made progress, too. Hearing a pregnancy announcement no longer sends me into a downward shitstorm spiral. I find myself genuinely feeling happy for newly-expecting couples (especially those who are close to me). And this is a place I was never sure that I would reach. I'm proud of myself.

But I'm not perfect. My recent loss has added a new (unfortunate) dimension to my feelings. As if my feelings weren't complicated enough (I'm so emo, right?). Now, instead of pregnant bellies and ultrasound photos causing me anguish, it's smaller things: the date, a name, a memory.

Because I feel like I've grown as a person (gee thanks, IF!), I have something I want to get off my chest. It's something that has been there, tucked and hidden away in my inner-most thoughts and feelings. Something I've not ever revealed to anyone because I'm ashamed the thought ever crossed my mind (multiple times over many years).

Many of you may think I'm an asshole. Or may pity me. And maybe most of you won't understand, unless you fit a very specific criteria: unexplained IF + no pregnancy ever + 4 years of TTC. Or maybe all of you will understand. Who knows.

Before my recent pregnancy and miscarriage, I was envious of women who had experienced a loss.

Sure, go back up and re-read that. Clean your monitor or your glasses if you like, but you read that correctly the first time.

I was jealous because they had seen two lines. I was so desperate for answers, for hope, for anything, that I actually welcomed the thought of a miscarriage. I wanted to know that at least my body could do something semi-right. Because as it stood, it wasn't doing much of anything properly when it came to making a baby.

Sure, I was ovulating. Sure, Buster had all kinds of sperm. But that wasn't getting us any closer to conceiving. 

We had nothing but wasted time, wasted money, and heartache. 

And I was ashamed at the time to be feeling that way. I felt guilty for thinking it, because I knew those women who experienced a loss were hurting. Of course, I had no clue how much they were hurting until January 2, 2012.

Now I know. After 4 1/2 long years, I got my sick and twisted wish. I experienced a loss and the shattering of earth that goes along with it. The breaking of hearts. The pain of losing what you never really had.

This is a tough hand we (you and I, anyone who walks this road) have been dealt. Infertility is hard. Infertility + loss is even harder.

I hope that in recognizing my feelings, I can work on not letting guilt creep in. Coping with the emotional toll of infertility is hard work, and guilt only makes things tougher.

I no longer feel guilty for those thoughts. I carried that guilt with me for too long. I understand why I wished for a loss. Why I wished for something, anything to happen. I know that the me who thought those things is different than the me today. I'm more mature, and more in touch with my emotions.

And I've suffered a loss. And it's nothing I would wish on anyone, especially the me from two years ago.

waiting

I waited 4 1/2 years to finally get pregnant, only to have it end.

Now I'm waiting for my period. Waiting to get started on FET #2. Waiting for a chance to even attempt to get pregnant.

Waiting to... exhale? Sorry, I couldn't resist.

I'm waiting for the results from my D&C. I called my clinic today. The results are not in yet, and the nurse said that they typically take 6 weeks to receive them, and sometimes 8 weeks. Lovely.

I'm tired of waiting.