Act III

Holy shit, I'm in the third trimester.

Can you believe that? I can't. While the first 16 weeks of this pregnancy seemed to absolutely crawl by, the past two months have just passed me by so quickly! My little man will be here before I know it. So, so crazy.

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. I was 27w3d. It was my normal monthly appointment, plus some perks. Those perks being a) my glucose test, and b) an ultrasound to check on the location of my placenta, and the length of my cervix.

The glucose drink wasn't that bad. No, I wouldn't willingly choose to drink it, but it didn't make me gag or anything. It burned the back of my throat a bit, and that was my chief complaint.

After I chugged the drink, I headed back for my ultrasound. I was really looking forward to this ultrasound. I hadn't seen my little guy on the screen since my anatomy scan at 18 weeks! And my, how he had grown...

First, the tech measured his leg bone. She told me he was tall. Then after all her other measurements were completed, she told me that he was measuring two weeks ahead (at 29w2d) and that she estimates him to be 2lbs15oz! I know those measurements can be off, but holy crap! I've got a chunker!

Henry is also head down, still. He was head down at my fetal echocardiogram a month ago, and he's still that way. I'm taking that as a good sign, and hope he just goes ahead and stays that way until D-Day.

I asked the tech for a potty shot. Even though I've been told twice he's a boy, I've still been paranoid! I would love a boy or girl baby just the same, but I worry about all the crap I've bought and been given. So, she pulled up the potty shot and instantly said, "Yep, he's all boy!". And I saw his little balls. So now I am 100% convinced he's definitely a Henry!

She also gave me some photos, and we got a great profile picture! Check out my cute little man:

27w3d profile shot!

I am just so in love with that little chubster!

Next I met with my doctor. I've gained (gulp) 33 lbs so far!!! Yikes. But, my doctor isn't concerned at all. He wasn't even going to mention weight gain until I brought it up. He told me that I could have been eating only vegetables this whole time and still have gained this much weight, and that everyone is different. I explained to him that I'm not eating horribly unhealthy...but that I'm not turning down pumpkin desserts. He told me not to turn them down, and to go to town at Thanksgiving and Christmas. I told him he was the best doctor ever.

I start going in every two weeks now. Shit is getting real!

And here you can see me + those 33 lbs:

January's full circle

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Which makes this post on my recent realization incredibly apropos.

January of 2012 was the worst month of my life. The news that our baby's heart was no longer beating wasn't the way I envisioned kicking off the new year. And four days later, I had surgery to remove my baby from my belly. If only I had scheduled a lobotomy at the same time.

The weeks that followed my D&C were painstaking. I was broken, dejected, sad, angry, bitter and depressed. Time stood still.

Reading my posts from January bring me to tears. It just happened, right this second. The pain of a loss is unfuckingbearable. That's the truth.

Writing about my feelings saved me. The support I received from this incredible community saved me. Honestly. You all may never know how much your words meant to me in that darkest hour. But they kept me propped up and afloat (albeit barely).

I've come quite far in the past ten months. Not only emotionally, but in my journey versus infertility.

Time does heal, although it will never make you forget. I still get horribly sad when I think about the loss of my first pregnancy. A pregnancy we worked so long and so hard for. We thought we had done it, beaten the odds. Pregnant after 4 1/2 years. And then the rug was pulled out from under us.

Even though I am now 27 weeks pregnant, I can't and won't shake the feelings of sadness and hopelessness that accompany remembering my loss. But it's not my focus, as it was back in the early months of 2012.

I soberly remember my past, but all the while I embrace my present and future.

My long-wished-for Henry should arrive in January of 2013. I'm so excited to meet him, but also to plant some happy memories in a month that desperately needs them.

plan: nursery

I'm starting a series of posts where I detail my plan for something. Riveting, I know. Today's subject is Henry's nursery.

Initially, I wanted to do a soft, calm beachy theme. Seafoam green, pale aqua, etc. But in typical me-fashion, I changed my mind!

I decided that I didn't want to go with a theme, per se, but more of a color scheme. Or you could call my theme "pattern mixing". But enough talking about it, here is the nursery styleboard I put together:

Nursery styleboard!

My favorite color is gray, so of course I was inclined to include gray in the color scheme. I had seen a couple nurseries done in gray and yellow, and I loved it. So I decided to run with it.

Buster painted the nursery walls back in August. We had a discussion of what we'd like to do in there, and I figured it wouldn't be painted for months. Then one day, soon after, he just decided to paint it. I love that man. We did three walls in a light, cool gray. The fourth wall has gray and white vertical stripes. The crib will go on this wall. I absolutely love the paint job and the color.

My pièce de résistance in the styleboard was the crib. I fell in love with the thought of a gray crib. It's so... different. And gray. And I found one on WalMart's website that I not only loved the simplicity of, but the price was amazing as well ($199!). Apparently it's similar to some fancy-pants Oeuf Sparrow crib that retails for $700+. At least that's what the reviewers were saying. I have no clue what constitutes fancy nursery furniture, and would never, ever spend $700 on a crib.

I had planned on purchasing two pieces of the Hemnes line of dressers (in white) from Ikea, and using the top of the smaller dresser as the changing table. I thought the white would go well enough with the gray crib, and I could pull it off.

But this styleboard was done two months ago, and naturally some things have changed.

My aunt and uncle have generously offered to give us their high-quality, expensive nursery furniture that they used for my cousin (13 years ago...). It's white, and simple enough (I'm not one for frills on my furniture). It was a drop-side crib, but they lent the furniture to my aunt's sister when she had her baby boy, and her husband permanently affixed the drop-side so that it no longer drops. It comes with a changing table with drawers underneath, and an armoire. The crib also has a drawer underneath. I am very thankful that they are offering this to us, as it will save us a lot of money.

Also, another change is the glider. As much as I adore the white and yellow pinstriped Little Castle Lullaby glider rocker pictured in my styleboard, it's pricey. The chair and ottoman together total about $450. While I realize that's really not too bad of a price for an upholstered rocker glider, I'm just not sure I feel comfortable forking over the money for it. And with that color of a glider, I'm not sure I could use it in another room down the road.

Plus, for my birthday back in August, Buster got "me" a leather rocker recliner for the living room. So, I will have that option for nursing/rocking/what-have-you.

So, instead of the glider, I'm thinking of going for the Poang Rocking Chair from Ikea. The chair plus the ottoman would be about $230, and I think I could fit it in to another room easily someday.

The Poang Rocking Chair from Ikea

Henry's nursery and the living room are about 15 feet apart, so if the Poang happened to not be incredibly comfortable for long stretches, I could always head out to the super comfortable leather rocker recliner. All you mothers out there... what do you think of my chair plan? I know I probably sound naive. And that's because, well, I am! Any advice/thoughts/insight would be much appreciated.

After showing my mom the styleboard, and a couple items I like on Etsy, she purchased this one for me:

The first piece of wall art for Henry's nursery!

It hasn't gone up on the wall yet, as we are waiting to actually get the furniture and set it up first. But I'm excited to have some decor already!

The mobile on the styleboard is from Etsy. Buster says he can make one for cheaper than they are asking, but we'll see. I'm sure he can make one, but will he by the time we need it? That's the real question.

The wall art is also from Etsy, but it's more of an idea of what I like. I will just design the wall art, and have it printed cheaply at Sam's. That will save us some money, plus I'll get full creative control!

The rug is fabulous, right? It's so affordable for a great design: $79! It's from Urban Outfitters. They also have other lovely patterns in the gray (like herringbone!), so I'm not completely sure I'll be going with the chevron pattern.

So, now you know my plan and what has changed since its inception. More changes will happen, but as soon as we have the finished product completed, I will be sharing photos!

the kind of good news that makes you cry

After our final IUI (which really wasn't an IUI, since my RE would not go through with it. But I still count it as half an IUI, since I stimmed and had 8 mature follicles and tried to get pregnant, but failed.), Buster and I decided that our next step would be IVF.

This posed a problem for us, at the time. My insurance, while covering 80% of IUIs and related meds, did not cover IVF at all. And Buster was finishing up school and getting his business off the ground, so financially we were nowhere near being ready for IVF.

Spring and summer passed. I focused on losing some weight and getting healthy. I did this pretty well, and overall had a good summer. The pain of infertility was still there. Always. Lurking under the surface, ready to bubble up and take hold. But I focused on having a great summer, and didn't expect to ever get pregnant naturally. This way I could keep my hopes from ultimately being dashed.

Then, I found out about the clinical trial. And my life was forever changed.

The trial, as many of you know, allowed us to not only afford IVF, but to become pregnant on our first and third transfers. Most of you also know how the first transfer ended. But here I am, 25 weeks strong and pregnant from that third transfer. And I have the clinical trial to thank.

I had made peace way back in April that Henry would be our only child. Ok, I can't say that I completely made peace with it, but I was really trying. I assumed he would be our only child. Sure, we have one embryo remaining in NYC. But as of right now, I'm one for three. I don't think the statistics are on my side for that remaining embryo. Plus, I didn't want to get my hopes of a sibling up, only to be dashed at some point in the future.

So all of my focus has been on this pregnancy, because I felt pretty darn certain that it would be my only one. I've scheduled maternity photos, I've allowed myself pumpkin desserts quite often, and have really been enjoying my pregnancy.

Back in July, my contract at work was up and was taken over by a new company. I still have the same job, but am employed by a new company. The joy of government work. I haven't thought much about it, other than making sure my (new) insurance is in place for all of my doctor's appointments. Oh, and to lament the fact that I am no longer eligible for FMLA because I haven't worked for this new company for a year (although I've been at my job for almost four years).

For some reason, last week, I decided to check with my new insurance on the coverage for fertility treatments. I was simply curious. My new insurance has been amazing thus far (have I mentioned the fact that I got a FREE Medela breastpump?? My insurance covered it! $300 I didn't have to spend, hooray!), so I figured I would just see what they do cover.

The people in the next cubicles over probably thought I was a complete lunatic when they heard me on the call, asking about fertility coverage. The pregnant lady asking about fertility coverage... wtf?! But they are old and were most likely fertile, so I didn't give a shit, to be honest.

My new insurance covers 100% of IVF, up to three attempts.

And that news simultaneously took the breath out of me and set me to tears.

I know this is no guarantee of a sibling for Henry, but it certainly gets us a lot closer to being a family of four than where we were before!

To say we are happy is an understatement. I feel so incredibly lucky to be pregnant right now. My pregnancy is going wonderfully, and I am absolutely loving it. And now that I know that I have the means to try again when I would like... well there are just no words.

I am one incredibly happy infertile.