for we are bound by symmetry.

the furry kind of baby, v2.0

2012-03-10T08:42:00.000-05:00

Due Date: April 10
Take Home Date: June 10

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

I'm going to be mommy to another beautiful four-legged pup!

I have wanted to get another dog since we got Kelsey (September of 2010). I like the idea of two dogs so that they aren't bored. And I feel like Kelsey is bored often.

Kelsey as a pup.

Usually Buster quashes my "second dog" discussion. Money, time, space, etc.

Now that we are in our new home, though... something must have changed his mind. Perhaps he's been thinking the same as me: that little princess Kelsey is a little bored by herself. And now that we have the room... why not?

Last July, I contacted a local Golden Retriever breeder. We talked for an hour on the phone. I could tell that she is a responsible breeder. And I wanted one of her pups! So she took my name and contact information, and she said she would contact me when they have an upcoming litter.

I didn't hear anything until three days ago. A litter is expected in April, and I can bring my little pup home in June!

Buster and I went back and forth on this decision. I'm all for it, obviously. And before you get to thinking I'm some kind of dog snob (ok, I guess I am a little), I think Goldens have the absolute sweetest demeanor. Their temperament is perfect for a house that hopes to have kids in it someday.

We discussed adopting a Golden from a rescue organization. I've really wanted to do this for a while. Buster would rather have a puppy, though. I'm not exactly certain why, but I'm pretty sure it's so he can train the pup young. He trained Kelsey, and honestly she's the best dog in the world (have I mentioned that before??).

Last night at dinner, Buster gave his consent. I thought he was joking at first. I can't tell you how big the smile on my face was. I probably looked like the Joker.

Needless to say, I'm shitting-my-pants-excited.

So is Kelsey, although you wouldn't know it from our photo shoot this morning:

"You are bringing WHAT home?"

"I see what you are doing here: playing tug-of-war with me so that you can take my picture. I don't approve."

penalty: delay of game

2012-03-09T09:32:00.000-05:00

Well.

Today is cycle day 34. My longest cycle ever.

Sorry for the lackluster update, but I just don't know what to say about it. I'm disappointed, but not surprised.

Based on my pepperoni pizza face, I would have guessed AF should have been here by now. Nothing like having her MIA and having the face of a teenager (although I'd gladly have a face of pimples if I could have my teenage body back...).

____________

It's been nine weeks since my D&C.

I would be 19 weeks pregnant this weekend.

Mondays, Fridays, and Sundays. Each one that passes marks another milestone I'm missing or anniversary of devastation. I want to stop thinking of this stuff on these days, but most of the time I can't help it.

Monday - day of the worst ultrasound of my life

Friday - day of my D&C

Sunday - would be the day a new pregnancy milestone was reached

That's too many days of the week infused with negative emotions and sadness.

why I blog

2012-03-07T12:44:00.000-05:00

The recent events surrounding the creation of PAIL and the aftermath in PAIL's wake have left me lost in my own thoughts.

I've been thinking of why I blog. What I aim to get out of pouring my heart and soul into my created space on the interwebs. And why can I never "choose a side" (ok, this is probably better left for a brand new post, as this pertains to a whole lifetime full of indecisiveness. Or empathy? Both?)?

To address the first two thoughts, I've created a list of why I blog. The items are listed numerically in order of importance (1=most important to me).

To provide an outlet for me. A way to cope with this bitch that is infertility and loss. Writing about what Buster and I have gone through is therapeutic. And free! (Take that, expensive psychiatrist!)
I am kind of obsessed with helping people. I usually cannot say no to requests, and it brings me much joy to help people in any way that I can. I love seeing what people google to find my site. It brings me happiness to know that they probably found some pertinent information on my blog (minus all those people googling "duck boobies" and "unicorn pee". Sorry to disappoint.). If I can even help one person, at all... well, that's just amazing. This journey to parenthood is so difficult for a select few (million) of us. If I can shed some light on something, or give a stranger peace of mind, I'm more than happy to do so. This reason is very close to #1 in terms of importance to me.
Connecting with women going down the same or similar path as me. Just like real-life, there are people that you click with in the blogosphere. And sometimes when you find that person, AND they are down a similar path to you... well it's like a match made in heaven. I love finding new blogs that I feel a connection with, regardless of where they are in their journey to parenthood.
For support. I know many bloggers might put the support aspect of blogging first. For me, however, I do have a good bit of support in my day-to-day life. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE comments, and I love that people care about my story. But, that's not the driving force that brings me to blog. But it's nice to know that in the times when I REALLY needed support, my bloggy friends (and strangers!) were there for me. And I can't thank you enough.

So there you have it. And now here are some reasons that don't compel me to blog, but I view more as icing on the proverbial cake:

To gain more readers/followers. Yes, it's nice to be followed and read. It makes me feel loved, and I would never turn that down!
To make some extra money. Yes, I have joined the BlogHer Advertising network. That's why there is an ad on my page. But this doesn't make me much money at all (we're talking double digits here). I joined more for the sake of being associated with BlogHer in an attempt to reach out to more women. To help others going down this path. To make women battling infertility know that they are not alone in their journey, in their feelings, in their path.

Next on my list of things I'd like to address:

Un-following blogs when the bloggess becomes pregnant.

I've done this. Is it a bitchy move? Well, yes. But sometimes you have to protect #1. And to be fair, the only times I've done that is when I didn't really feel much of a connection with the blogger anyway. Not sure if that makes it a little better or not...?

I know I've mentioned this recently, but I'm happy to say (once again) that I think I've really outgrown my bitter feelings that IF sends bubbling to the surface. I don't fault anyone who is bitter, though, because I understand. That was me. I own that, and I'm not embarrassed.

Bitterness is expected on this road. For me, it was several exits back. I've passed it, and I'm currently on the Hope Fraught With Sadness Highway. On the horizon, I see the All of Your Dreams Will Come True city skyline, and it is beautiful.

I had a wonky test one time that I thought might be the start of my BFP. Directly after that post, I lost a follower. I assume it was because they thought I was pregnant. At the time I was hurt by it, honestly. Mostly because, as it turns out, I was definitely NOT pregnant.

But now, I get it. I understand why someone would protect themselves. Because sometimes that's what you have to do. I see all sides to this, and I can see how it is so easy for someone to feel hurt.

Currently, there are some days/hours/moments when I can't emotionally stomach reading a pregnancy blog post. Or a baby post. And often times, I truly adore these bloggers. Many of which I have followed since I figured out there was even such a thing as a community for people like me, and they follow me too And cheer me on. But there are just times when I can't do it. And that's ok. I don't feel guilty about it anymore. I just skip the post and then come back when I am in a better place.

Next on my agenda:

Pregnant infertiles not wanting to post because it may hurt feelings.

I've seen lots of talk about this over my stint in blogland. Recently I've read a lot about this because of the PAIL situation. I know everyone has to do what feels right and comfortable for them, but my opinion is this:

If it is your blog, you should write about whatever you want.

I like knowing what could possibly be for me. I like being prepared. So reading about the things that my pregnant blogger friends are dealing with is some tremendous insight for me.

And because I like being open and honest on my blog, I will say that when I see people say that they don't want to post because they don't want to upset those of us still in the trenches, it's almost more of a sting than if they would just post. Does that make any sense? I know I'm only one person, and I do not embody all of the women "still in the trenches", but I can take it! If I'm not up to reading your post, I will come back at a later date when I can handle it. Your blog is your story, and your story does NOT stop when you have a little person growing in you!

With all that being said, my feelings are not hurt at all about anything. So if you happen to fall in the pregnant infertile category, I'm not mad or upset. I just want you to feel comfortable being you. And I want to read about YOU. I don't want to read some stripped down, half-assed blog post that skates around real issues.

Because when/if I am ever really pregnant, I'm going to continue to blog here. I may lose readers. I may anger people. I don't know. But this is my place, and I don't think it would be same with just half of my story documented.

And finally:

My thoughts on the PAIL situation.

I understand all sides. I don't think PAIL was started to be malicious, inclusive, divisive, or any of that. But I also can see Mel's point of view (quoted from this post):

"People also pointed out that many smaller blogrolls and projects exist, and no other one is described as divisive, and perhaps that is because membership to those is based on situation vs. what you achieve."

I couldn't agree more with that.

But I don't fault anyone for joining PAIL. I will continue to read all the blogs I adore, regardless of what blogroll they are on.

I think communication is key here, and the lack of communication made a mess of this. Is it fixable? I think so, and hope so.

(On the PAIL-related note, I also agreed with pretty much everything SIF said in her PAIL post. I even briefly entertained the thought of plagiarizing her whole post. Ok, not really, but it's a damn good post.)

well played

2012-03-05T14:07:00.000-05:00

Well played, AF. Well played.

You managed not only to allow me to get my hopes up, but also tricked me into wasting precious time and money.

Today is CD30, and no AF. So, I do what any infertile masochist would do: I bought a box of FRERs. At a grocery store. Where they were locked up in a case outside the pharmacy. And I was there before the pharmacy opened. So I had to go on a safari to find someone with a key. Just what I want to do when I'm running late for work!

I'm really surprised they didn't announce over the loudspeaker that there was a woman wanting to buy a pregnancy test, and could someone please meet her at the case. And then they could announce my name, address and social security number. Usually, with my luck, it's that kind of scenario.

I head to the self-checkout with my $13 box of FRERs, some bananas, a bag of Mini Babybel original cheese rounds, some french vanilla coffee creamer, and some Berries & Cherries Nut Crunch (yum!). I was hoping that the FRERs would scan on sale, but of course, they did not. Well, at least I have a $2 off coupon for next time...

Once at work, I head right into the bathroom with a styrofoam cup and a pee stick. Thankfully I was alone in there.

And the test was negative.

I know, I was so surprised too (sarcasm alert)!

So, I'm not pregnant. And AF is a couple of days late. I'm not surprised at all, but I couldn't resist the urge to POAS, just in case.

You know, "they" say you are more fertile after a miscarriage. But I'm pretty sure that doesn't apply if you are still unexplained after practically 5 years.

Here's to hoping tomorrow brings a day of me bleeding profusely.

march photo challenge: days 3 and 4

2012-03-04T08:05:00.000-05:00

I wasn't planning on combining days three and four into one photo. It just happened.

prompts: domestic & illuminate

illuminating my undomesticness.

I struggled a little with the "domestic" prompt. I don't really feel all that domestic. I cook some (and I'm really good at it. No, seriously!), do tons of laundry, and clean when I must. But (embarrassing admission incoming) I'm kind of a slob. There, I said it.

I hate cleaning. When I was young, we didn't have chores. Awesome life for a kid, not so awesome in the way of getting me into good habits regarding house cleaning.

I actually wish I was OCD about cleaning. I have a friend who is, and her house is always spotless. We have the kind of house that you need to call in advance before dropping by, so that I have time to get things together.

It also doesn't help that Buster is also a slob, and even worse than me. Well, in a different sort of way. My messes usually involve clothes and shoes, his involve empty coke cans and empty cigarette packs.

So in the photo above, you can obviously see a million smudges from Kelsey's nose. When Buster steps outside to smoke a cigarette, she will run to the back door and press her nose against the glass. Perhaps she is actually writing a cryptic message for him to read?

"Let me come outside with you!"

The sun was rising over the barren trees, and the smudgy glass was difficult to avoid. So, I figured my domestic could be more "undomestic".

Excuse me while I go Windex the sliding glass door...

march photo challenge: day 2

2012-03-03T09:06:00.001-05:00

prompt: feet

pictured: Kelsey's two back paws, my bright orange Jessica Simpson purse that I use as my bathroom bag, and a tip of my raggedy old gray fuzzy slipper.

If you'd like to join in on the fun, check out this post on Scrambled Eggs!

the ache

2012-03-02T11:28:00.000-05:00

It has been eight weeks since my D&C.

And many of you were right: the pain of my loss does seem to lessen as time goes by. It practically feels like a dream-slash-nightmare. It's hard to imagine that I was actually pregnant at all. Decades seem to have passed. The surrealism of it all makes it easier to cope (that was some other girl in some other lifetime, right?).

But...

My loss seems to have strengthened my desire to be a mother. And instead of desire infused with jealousy or bitterness, it is now more of a desire coupled with sadness.

Three years ago, I was jealous of every pregnant belly. Every pair of tiny hands. Every snotty little nose. Two years ago, I was bitter. Angry. One year ago, I was deeply depressed. Exhausted from failed cycle after failed cycle.

Dipping my toes in the pregnancy water has made me even more determined to make this happen for us. Strength born of sadness. Determination from grief.

And even though I'm more steadfast in my desire than ever before, I also do not assume it will definitely happen for us. I know that there's a chance we will never have a baby. And that makes me incredibly sad. But I am remaining hopeful for what is to come, no matter which path we end up on.

Last night I babysat for W and G. Most of the time, everything is fine when I'm there. I occasionally think how I can't wait to do these things as a mom, but most of the time I don't go down that road. Sometimes I can't help it, though.

As I was singing G to sleep last night, I choked up several times.

When I was a child, my grandmother always sang to my sister and I. One of my favorites was "You Are My Sunshine." Even when I was young, I knew there was some kind of deep sadness mingled in those "happy" lyrics.

And I sing this to G (well, the chorus), along with "Rockabye Baby" and "Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star" (yes, I realize my nursery song arsenal is lacking).

Last night as I was singing "You Are My Sunshine", I became overwhelmed with sadness. I had to fight to keep the tears back, and to keep my mind off of my hopes, dreams, and failures.

I ache for the day I can sing it to my own baby.

_________________

Johnny Cash: You Are My Sunshine

march photo challenge: day 1

2012-03-01T13:15:00.000-05:00

prompt: self-portrait

I didn't have time to whip out a better camera today, so you are stuck with a photo from my phone! I hope to use either my point-and-shoot or SLR (I say "my", but I really mean "mine thanks to work") for the majority of the remaining pictures. But that might just be wishful thinking, and you may be subjected to phone pictures.

If you'd like to join in on the fun, check out this post on Scrambled Eggs!

fun distractions

2012-02-29T16:43:00.001-05:00

I can't tell you how much I want this post to be a bitch-fest about a plethora of things (the agony of waiting for our next FET, the stresses of dogsitting for the in-laws this week, the catastrophic discovery that I forgot my Burt's Bees chapstick at home today). But, I refuse to subject you to it. You're welcome!

Instead, I want to talk about a couple fun things, some of which will prove to be nice distractions while we await our FET.

First up, Buster is building us a dining room table. Exciting, right?!

A couple of months ago I read a blog post about making your own farm table. For the life of me, I cannot remember where I read it. I naturally assumed it was from Sawdust and Embryos, since they are always building/refinishing amazing pieces! After searching for about 20 minutes on that blog, however, I could not locate the post. If any of you know what I'm talking about, please remind me!

I did manage to bookmark the link and plans they (the mysterious they) used to build their table, though. It's something at least, right? Here are a couple photos from Ana White's blog post, where the plans originated:

So that's the general idea of the table! Buster spent about $250 on materials. I realize that's way more than Ana spent when she built hers, but she had reclaimed wood laying around. We do not, unfortunately. So, Buster bought the lumber for the frame of the table at Lowe's, and went to a local wood shop for the pieces for the top. Buster is a perfectionist when it comes to craftsmanship, and he did not like the look of the lumber at Lowe's for the top of the table.

But $250 in materials for a table that can seat 8-10 (according to Buster... it actually looks more like 6 comfortably to me, but whatever)? Yes please!

Here is a photo of his progress so far (he started working on it Monday, and has been doing things here and there for the last couple of days):

I will continue taking photos of the progress, and share them with you when it's all finished! Buster is waiting to get the top lumber in, and soon after he will start distressing.

Now, not only do we not currently have a dining room table, we also lack chairs. So I've been on the lookout for some. I really want to go for a modern, leather-looking chair. I like the mix of modern with rustic. Here's a photo I found that illustrates the look/feel I'm going for:

Source: google.com via Docica on Pinterest

Ok, so I'm not going orange, or weird shrubs with balls on them. But, I want leather chairs with a rustic table. I'm liking some chairs I see on Pier 1's website:

We'd probably end up going with a chocolate brown, but I'd love a colorful chair. They sell this chair in a beautiful green and also a teal that I love! Unfortunately, neither green nor teal go with my living room furniture, and since it's all open... yeah, so...we are limited to red, brown, or black.

After we get the table and chairs squared away, my next project in the dining room will be the light fixture. It is an ugly, tacky, "gold" chandelier. It is so gaudy and just... bleh. I've been asking Buster to take it down so we can (spray?) paint it black. I think it will be a huge improvement! Maybe some new globes while we're at it.

_____________

Next up on my fun distraction list is Belle's March Photo Challenge. If you haven't been to Belle's blog Scrambled Eggs, check it out (I LOVE the simple yet creative design!). Belle is currently in that ever-so-tough place between retrieval/fertilization and frozen transfer. I can relate! She wanted a distraction, thus her photo challenge was born.

I've never taken part in a photo challenge, but why not start now? I need a distraction! Plus, it's (another) creative outlet for me. You know, designing for a living isn't fulfilling all of my creative needs... (ok, that was sarcasm!). But, I rarely take photos. I wish I took more. And this will give me that opportunity!

The challenge starts tomorrow, and it's pretty laid back. Hop on over to her March Photo Challenge post and leave a comment if you wish to participate!

_____________

Last and well, probably least... I spent $20 on a Golden Retriever desk calendar. Yep. Well, ok, it was $15 + shipping. I thought it would cheer me up while I'm at work. I think $20 is worth loving my office a bit more, right? Who doesn't love a photo of a Golden frolicking in the flowers?!!

And I'm totally going to be that person who tacks up all the old calendar pictures in her office. I can't throw those happy Goldens away. It would just feel...wrong. So I'd much rather be known as the Crazy Dog Lady...

three zero zero

2012-02-27T15:55:00.000-05:00

300 posts ago...

...I started my blog on my 2nd wedding anniversary.

...I was excited about TTC.

...I was charting BBT.

...I was peeing on OPKs.

...I was naively thinking I would be pregnant by the end of 2010.

...I met some amazing women on a TTC forum, who I am still friends with today. The majority of them have babies now.

...I wrote this: "It brings tears to my eyes thinking of us, laying on the bed in the house on Chestnut Ridge Road, speaking of having children like it was easy." I was already sad, 300 posts ago.

So much has changed since the inception of my blog, yet so much has remained the same.

We became a family of three, but not in the way we had so desperately hoped. Our sweet little girl has beautiful blonde hair, but she didn't get it from Buster.

It's so difficult to remember much else from the past two years, other than doctor's appointments, procedures, medicine, tears, disappointment, misery.

How depressing is that? I don't want to look back on "the good ol' years" and only remember our struggles.

The innate desire to be a mother was strong 300 posts ago, and that has not changed.

This past Friday I had to choke back tears while in line at Starbucks. The man in front of me was holding the chubbiest four-month-old baby ever. And her eyes were so blue and big. She was smiling at me and cooing and flirting with Buster. And at first I didn't think anything at all.

But then it hits you, like a ton of fucking bricks.

I turn to Buster with hot tears stinging my eyes and say, "I really, really want a baby."

News flash, right?

So here I am, 300 posts later. At least the theme of my blog has remained consistent, right? Silver lining, and all that...

Thank you for sticking with me, supporting me, and just being out there, reading what I say. This blog has been amazingly therapeutic for me, and I hope it continues to be.

small update on Aub

2012-02-24T20:00:00.001-05:00

I have been in touch with Aub's mom, and she informed me about an hour ago that Aub is not in labor! They think she might have a kidney stone, but nothing has been confirmed. Please continue to keep her and her boys in your thoughts.

Stay put, baby boys!

2012-02-24T13:27:00.003-05:00

My dear friend Aub could use your thoughts and prayers right now. She is two days shy of 24 weeks pregnant with twin boys. And she is currently in the hospital (L&D) as she's been having contractions all morning.

Please drop by her blog and give her your well-wishes, and remember her and her babies in your prayers.

Thank you, friends!

stage fright

2012-02-23T14:40:00.000-05:00

Well, ICLW is here. And I have nothing to talk about.

What a horrible impression first-time readers must have of me and my blog.

I have been utterly swamped at work. My "need to respond to" email list is growing longer by the day. Unfortunately my brain has turned to oatmeal, and nothing good is coming from that region at the moment.

I'm currently several days past ovulation, (im)patiently waiting for my next period. The next ten days can't pass quickly enough.

My hcg beta level was 6.5 at the beginning of last cycle. It has to be back to zero by now, right?

_________________

I'm going to a wedding on Saturday. And I feel like sharing with you my new dress and shoes.

Image courtesy of Target.com

Image courtesy of Nordstrom.com

Cute, right?! Never mind the fact that today it's 60 degrees, but on Saturday they are calling for snow... Cold toes here I come!

_________________

I've been revisiting some music that I loved years ago, but haven't listened to recently. A band that falls in to that category is Far. Enjoy!

Happy ICLW!

2012-02-21T15:31:00.001-05:00

Happy February ICLW!

(I really wanted to type "Februany". Effing Subway commercials...)

If you are visiting my humble piece of real estate on the intrawebs for the first time, welcome! My blog focus is centered on my ups and downs trying to achieve pregnancy (and to maintain it!). I do talk about other stuff some, like TV (mostly reality competition shows, like Project Runway, Face Off, Survivor, etc), my beautiful princess dog, shopping, whatever I feel like, etc.

Before I give the customary brief synopsis of our journey-to-parenthood thus far, I'm going to tell you a few random things about myself. Many of you "regulars" may not even know this stuff, so... enjoy!

I play a lot of video games. Most recently I've played so much Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 that my wrist hurts. I tell people (that don't know about my addictions) that my wrist hurts because I'm on a computer all day for work (which I am...).
I'm a graphic designer, but my dream is to someday open up my own restaurant with my mom and sister (who are both chefs).
I can't live without my Burt's Bees Beeswax Lip Balm. Honestly, I'm not even kidding. Things get really ugly, really fast when I'm somewhere without it.
I have five tattoos. I love 3 1/2 of them. I hate one of them.
Why is Pandora playing the Beatles right now?? No thanks! Thumbs down.
I think I overuse the comma. If excessive punctuation bothers you, I apologize.

Ok, that's enough randomness.

Brief Synopsis of Our Journey-to-Parenthood Thus Far

My husband (Buster) and I were married in June of 2008. We had started NTNP about a year prior to our wedding. Nada. So, we visited an RE and had some testing done. Everything came back normal. We did an IUI. It failed. We decided to try (harder) naturally. I had a LEEP procedure. We then dove in head-first into medicated IUI cycles (4 1/2 to be exact... our last IUI was cancelled because I had eight mature follicles). All of the IUIs failed.

We started looking in to IVF. We didn't have the money to pursue. I was told of a magical place in NYC that does IVF for free (ok, it's not exactly like that... it's a clinical trial, but it feels magical. Like there should be unicorn and fairy doctors and rivers of chocolate in the waiting room).

In November of 2011, we had our first ever transfer (it was an FET - trial protocol). It worked! We were having a baby!! After a blissful 40 days filled of ultrasounds, pills (progesterone, estrogen, steroid), and injections (Lovenox), we received the bad news at our 9-week ultrasound that our little baby no longer had a heartbeat. Devastated doesn't begin to cover it.

I started off the New Year with awful news and a D&C. Last week I finally received the results from the testing after the D&C. Our little girl had Turner Syndrome.

And that brings us to now: waiting for my next AF. I will have blood work done on my next CD3, and if everything comes back normal, we will proceed with FET #2. And I am so ready for it.

an answer and a wave of numbness

2012-02-16T16:29:00.000-05:00

One day shy of 6-weeks post-D&C, my doctor has finally called me with the results of the testing performed on the tissue/baby/products of conception.

The results are that my baby girl had Turner Syndrome (also known as Monosomy X).

From miscarriage.about.com:

Monosomy X, commonly known as Turner Syndrome, is a chromosome disorder in which a girl or woman has only one complete X chromosome. (Because a Y chromosome is needed for a person to be male, all babies with Turner Syndrome are girls.) Though girls born with Turner Syndrome usually have good odds for a normal life, the majority of babies with the condition are lost to miscarriage or stillbirth.

And some statistics from the same site:

About 1 in every 1,500 to 2,500 newborn babies has Turner Syndrome. Yet according to research, monosomy X is present in about 3% of all conceptions, but about 99% of affected babies are miscarried or stillborn. The condition is thought to be a factor in roughly 15% of all miscarriages.

I cried when listening to the voicemail from my doctor. I cried while telling Buster.

But now I just feel numb. I'm not sure I am even able to process this right now.

I should be feeling relief, I think. Relief that this was not immune-related.

And relief that this is most likely a random happening. There is a rare type of Turner Syndrome that is genetic, and involves the partial deletion of the X chromosome. It is quite rare, though, and I would need to have a karyotype done to know for sure if that is an issue with us.

My doctor would not recommend pursuing karyotyping unless we have another similar loss. And I agree with him.

For now, I'm going to assume this was random bad luck.

I suppose I am relieved to have an answer, I just don't feel relieved.

I don't really feel much of anything right now.

My thoughts on "The Truth About IVF"

2012-02-15T16:47:00.000-05:00

This post is in response to SIF's post, "The Truth About IVF". I recommend reading it before reading mine. You might also like to read Lindsey's response here (interesting not only because I adore Lindsey and SIF, but because they are friends in real life). And to be thorough, here is a link to SIF's most recent post, which is on this same topic.

As many blogs as I follow (and that's a large number), there are only about 25 that I read religiously. Every.Single.Post. Single Infertile Female is one of those blogs. I love her writing style. I love her sense of humor. I think we'd be friends in real life (yes, I'm totally a creepster!).

So, on a Monday morning past, while sipping my coffee and trying to get myself motivated to do some work, I read her post about her feelings on IVF, and how they have changed.

It wasn't until about three-quarters of the way down the page that I started to feel a little uncomfortable.

What started to make me uneasy was when it shifted from the "IVF is not something I feel comfortable doing again" theme to the "IVF is going too far in general" theme.

As an infertile who has no chance at conceiving except for immaculate conception or IVF, it's hard not to take offense when someone disagrees with your chosen path.

But I wasn't, and still am not, mad. I didn't get angry reading her post. After all, personal opinions are what you expect when you follow someone's blog.

And SIF has been through IVF. Twice. So, she has every right to form her own opinion about what is right for her. I'd rather read opinions about IVF from people who have been-there-done-that, rather than from people who barely know what IVF stands for.

I do know that I instantly started defending IVF in my head. And my first instinct is to compare IVF to some kind of life-saving treatment, like chemotherapy. I tried to justify it this way in my head for a while, and then I realized that infertility and cancer are not on the same level.

As much as I sometimes think that infertility is the end of the world, it's not the end of my life.

So, to compare infertility and cancer, IVF and chemo... it's not a fair comparison. Or is it? No, you can't die from infertility, but chemotherapy and IVF are both medical procedures. They are comparable in that respect, at least.

It's a slippery slope when we start on the path of questioning whether medical procedures are going too far. Are life-saving medical procedures and medicines the only ones that get the free pass? Is medical intervention going too far when it helps alleviate debilitating pain that wouldn't have been fatal? Where do we draw a line? And who is this "we" that makes these decisions?

Because I can't conceive naturally, should I just live out the rest of my days barren? I can't afford to adopt, unfortunately (I didn't realize the average cost of domestic adoption was $32,000 until reading it here). I'm not sure that the foster-to-adopt route would be right for me, as I've seen heartbreak in that arena when children are returned to their birth parents.

I was lucky enough to be accepted into a clinical trial for my IVF, so my cost has not been considerable.

And I will do what it takes to become a mother, and to make Buster a father.

I've never thought that IVF was going too far. That it was toying with what shouldn't be. And that's where the comparison to cancer, or any life-changing medical condition, can come in to play. Why should we only alter our fates when it comes to saving our lives? Why shouldn't I want to alter my childless future? If the technology exists, and has proven to be safe, why would I not do everything in my power to fulfill my dreams?

I can understand why IVF is not something that everyone would pursue, whether it be due to religious, financial, or emotional reasons. And I can completely understand why SIF would not want to go through another IVF cycle. But to make the leap from it not being right for her personally to saying it's going too far for everyone, well I can't agree with that.

Because I don't think it's going too far.

But that's just my opinion. And like SIF, I'm entitled to mine.

leftovers, part II

2012-02-15T12:41:00.000-05:00

Leftovers, part II includes a little of: Whitney Houston, DMV, Spartacus, coffeeeeeee, Face Off, and Project Runway All Stars. Enjoy!

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I am the most uninformed person on earth (minus my unfortunate extensive knowledge on infertility, TTC, etc). I don't watch any news, nor do I read up on any news. I think this is mainly due to my frustration with politics.

Needless to say, I didn't know Whitney Houston died until Monday night. She died on Saturday. I realize that's not an incredible lapse of time, but still... I felt so out of the loop when I found out.

Yes, I'm more distraught about not hearing about Whit's death than I am upset about all of the real news stories I'm missing.

pri • or • i • ties

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Why is the DMV always full of the most tragic people in town? I cringe when I go in there. Kids running amok, the worst-dressed people in history, body odor, and the like.

Is your DMV like this?

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Buster and I watched and enjoyed the first season of Spartacus. It took me a little while to get used to the blood and violence (ok, I never got used to it. I just cover my eyes like a three-year-old).

The actor who played the lead role of Spartacus, Andy Whitfield, died in September from cancer. They replaced him in the series with someone 11 years younger, and it has thrown everything off for me.

But even more than that, the absence and replacement of several other characters has made this latest season of Spartacus practically unbearable for me.

Also, the writing is just sub-par. It's always been a little lacking, but this season is quite bad.

We've watched the first 3 episodes, and I don't think we will be watching anymore. Although, I'm curious to see how Lucretia's role plays out (played by Lucy Lawless).

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All I want to eat today is coffee. I'm on my 3rd cup, and I'm counting this as lunch. I haven't eaten any food yet today. I'm so healthy, right?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Tonight is Face Off night!!

As usual, I enjoyed last week's episode. I was thrilled that RJ won the challenge! Although I'm not sure how I feel about him yet, I am cheering for him because he is from my state. And let's face it, not that many people are. So, by default, he gets my support.

I also completely agree with Athena (aka Ukrainian Britney Spears) being sent home. She has done nothing impressive. I fear that Tara may be soon to go as well. She's been in the bottom several times, and hasn't been too memorable.

And I think this is an unpopular opinion based on previous comments from my fellow Face Off fans, but I don't like Beki. She really rubs me the wrong way. Her bloody makeup in the beginning of the episode was very good. I'll give her credit where it's due. But, she's an annoying know-it-all. I don't like her and I will be happy when/if she is ever eliminated!

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Unfortunately I will miss the episode of Project Runway All Stars tomorrow night. Bummer! I'm babysitting later than usual.

I really didn't enjoy last week's episode all that much. Yes, the cattiness between Jerell and Michael was amusing. It did seem to me that Michael blatantly ripped off Jerell's idea, but I'm not sure that's against the rules anywhere. Morally it's probably not the best way to go, but they aren't being judged on morals here.

I didn't think Jerell's design should have won. As much as I can't stand Kenley, nor can I see any real person wearing her design, I thought it was interesting, cute and well-made.

Austin's was... well, awful. I hated all of it. Even the pants that the judges seemed to fawn over.

Kara's was super boring.

Mondo's design was just there. Nothing spectacular.

I just wasn't wowed this episode. I guess that might be because it was sportswear. I want to see more evening gowns!

i am alone in my defeat

2012-02-14T10:20:00.002-05:00

I know this isn't a revelation. Many of you already know this.

Holidays blow big donkey balls.

I guess for every holiday (for the rest of my life?) I will be sad, thinking of the baby we lost.

Today is no exception.

No amount of stupid heart-boxed chocolates or cheesy cards or jewelry will make my baby magically reappear in my stomach.

I should be 15 weeks.

I don't want to start my sentences off with "I should be" any longer.

I don't want to celebrate Valentine's Day.

I don't want to be here at work.

I don't want to think about my miscarriage.

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Here's some emo for your Valentine's Day pleasure:
Dashboard Confessional - Screaming Infidelities

the leftovers, part 1

2012-02-10T13:14:00.000-05:00

Here is a collection of random tidbits and thoughts that are not enough to merit their own post. I'm going to lovingly call these little nuggets of my life, "The Leftovers", and will most likely continue this trend in the future.

This week's Leftovers include: a fender bender, family stresses, SIF's IVF post, and taxes
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I was rear-ended on Tuesday.

It was my lunch break, and I was headed to WalMart to stock up on essentials (tampons, bubble bath, Burt's Bees Beeswax Lip Balm, Cokes, pepperoni, cheese, TP). Well, I was at an intersection which required me to yield before merging onto the busy main road. Apparently the college girl behind me (decked out from head-to-toe in "Pink" by VS) decided she didn't want to yield, and subsequently smashed into the back of my Jeep

My first thought: "Are you fucking kidding me?"

It was an extremely busy week at work, and a super busy day, and I just didn't have time to deal with this. So I pull off, assess the damage (some scratches on my bumper; the front of her car is mangled to hell), and force myself to be somewhat nice to this girl. She doesn't want insurance involved because she's "already paying like $130 a month". Welcome to the real world, sweetheart. Anyway, I copied down the info from her insurance card and take off.

I call Buster, and he is immediately perturbed that I didn't call the police and file an accident report. He was worried that she might say I backed in to her, and somehow we would get fucked. Ugh. So I told him I would go to the police station and file an accident report the next day. I never did, because I'm BUSY at work. Who has time to go to the police station?? Not me!

Last night, Buster's mom calls us and says that I need to report this to insurance. Something similar happened to her, and they cut her a $500 check for the damage. So, I called. And I feel guilty! That college girl thought I wasn't going to be reporting it to the insurance companies, and here I am, doing just that. I can't help feeling bad, but oh well. I'm still waiting to hear back as to what is going to happen.

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I love my family.

But they certainly know how to stress me out!

I've blogged about this before, but I have a problem saying "no", especially to my family.

My brother has asked me to do a resume for his friend (who was recently fired from his job). Of course, I said yes. My brother said that it should take me too long because they provided all of the info, etc etc.

First of all, what does my brother know about how long it takes to do a resume? I am the one who did HIS resume.

Sigh.

Then I had a voicemail from my aunt (yes, the one of "Have your sister carry a baby for you" fame) asking if I would design an invitation to my cousin's bridal shower. I'm going to say yes (even though Buster is adamant that I say no).

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I've been meaning to write up a response to this post by Single Infertile Female. I haven't had the time to get my disjointed thoughts into something someone would want to read, but it's on my agenda.

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Taxes. Ugh.

This year, instead of me doing our taxes, I am taking them somewhere. This is because Buster started his business last year, and this just throws a whole new wrench into filing our taxes.

I also might be claiming our medical expenses, if it works out to where it's better than taking the standard deduction for a married couple. This means I get to go back through the last 12 months in my bank account and try to sort through my payments. Fun!

February FET: it's a no go

2012-02-09T10:12:00.000-05:00

My clinic finally called me at about 5:30 p.m. yesterday.

While "everything looks great", I guess it doesn't look great enough for a February FET. I was in the car when I took the call, so I couldn't write down any of the specifics (LH, estrogen, progesterone, etc), but I do remember the hcg number: 6.5.

So, there is still hcg in my system. I incorrectly assumed that because my period showed up that meant no more hcg.

I was (and still am) disappointed. I was ready to move ahead, to give myself something tangible to focus on.

But, deep down I know this is ok. More than ok, actually. Because right now I don't really have time to deal with an FET. March will be a much better month for me at my job, regarding work load. So, I know it's for the best in more ways than one.

So, let the countdown begin!
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Thank you for all of your responses yesterday, and your shared outrage at my RE. Many of you asked if there was anyone else somewhat close, and the answer, unfortunately, is no. The next closest RE's office is probably 45 minutes away, and I just can't pull that off with work. Luckily, I only have to deal with my RE very briefly each time, and only up until transfer. After that, I'll be in the capable hands of my clinic in NYC, and then my OBGYN.

at least he's consistent

2012-02-08T10:35:00.000-05:00

My former RE, that is.

If you've been following me for a while, you may remember my laments on the subject. I'm not sure how they could be missed, because I complain about that man a lot.

Here are some posts to peruse through, however, if you've missed all the fun:

Well, I still hate my former RE (November 2011)
The tale of my rude RE... (March 2011)
You don't want to die trying to have a baby, do you? (March 2011)
The highs and lows of my RE's office (February 2011)
Two is better than one, right? (February 2011)

So as you can see from those examples (or even just the titles), my RE has issues. He is not personable. You feel very tense and awkward in his presence.

Or maybe I'm the one with issues, but I'm pretty sure my issues aren't affecting our relationship. I've talked to countless women from my town who have left my RE's office (some in tears) never to return.

He's the only game in town, however. So I am forced to return.

I had my CD3 appointment today. Blood work was taken, ultrasound was had.

I'm sure reproductive endocrinologists have to deal with miscarriages all the time. It's just another day in the office.

But to not say ANYTHING in response to, "We had a heartbeat at the 7-week and 8-week ultrasounds, but not at the 9-week ultrasound," well, that just strikes me as... cold. Heartless. Robot-like.

Alas, nothing was said in response to the reveal of my miscarriage.

I filled him in on what medications I was taking during my brief pregnancy. I answered his questions very short and abruptly, mirroring his attitude towards me.

It was awkward, painful, and brutal. But it's over.

My clinic will call me this afternoon with the results from my blood work. Here's to hoping all is normal...

progress; and infertility is not just

2012-02-06T13:26:00.000-05:00

I am happy to announce that today is CD2!

AF decided to arrive yesterday, and this was the most excited I've ever been to be bleeding heavily.

I've sent an email to my clinic. Hopefully I will hear from them today regarding my next step.

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I also wanted to clarify my post from late Saturday night. Buster and I were out with our friends and family celebrating his 30th birthday. We had both been drinking, and we were really enjoying ourselves.

The comment that moved me to blog in a bar was from my cousin. Her mom and my mom are twin sisters, and we are extremely close to them.

My cousin is only 22, and I know she did not know any better. She meant no harm in her comment. But, what saddens me is that my aunt is making off-handed remarks about surrogacy. Not only does this infer that something is wrong with me, it's also completely ignorant regarding the investment of choosing surrogacy. Emotional investment, financial, etc.

My infertility is not something I take lightly. Off-handed comments that start "You should just..." are going to anger me. Regardless.

There is no "just" in infertility. And sure, I mean that in more ways than one. There is no "just" in the way my aunt meant it. Nothing comes easy with this, especially decisions. Especially decisions about having someone else carry your child.

And there is no "just" in infertility. Nothing good, upright, deserving. Infertility is, by nature, unjust.

stinging words

2012-02-04T22:43:00.001-05:00

"My mom said your sister should just have the baby for you."

There's a statement that can kill a buzz. I'm ready to go home and curl up in bed now.

(we are out celebrating Buster's 30th birthday with friends and family.)

somebody looks like they're coming to America

2012-02-03T15:12:00.000-05:00

As many of you know, I'm a big Project Runway fan. I love watching people create something beautiful (or sometimes not so beautiful).

I have several favorites on this season. Unfortunately, one of my faves (April) got the boot last week.

****spoiler alert, in case you haven't watched last night's episode****

Imagine my displeasure when another of my favorites was eliminated last night! Oh Anthony, how I will miss your smiling face, pleasant disposition, and humor. Buster and I belly laughed last night when Anthony said, of Jerell's model, "Somebody looks like they're coming to America!"

I still have some favorites remaining, thankfully. I'm a huge Mondo fan, and always rooting for him. And honestly, how could you not love Austin Scarlett? Hopefully either of my boys will be crowned the winner.

Designers remaining that I'm not a fan of: Kenley, Michael, Mila.

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Face Off this week was enjoyable. Last week they did body painting, which is always a bit whimsical. This week's challenge was horror makeup. Bring on the creepiness!

Because there are so many contestants still remaining, it's more difficult for me to give you my list of favorites and non-faves. I am pretty surprised that Athena is still around after last week, though. Does anyone else think she resembles a Ukrainian Britney Spears?

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I often check to see what is being googled that brings people to my blog. I find it intriguing. It also reaffirms one of my reasons for blogging: helping others by sharing information.

One google phrase that often points users to my blog is "duck boobies".

Yep. Thanks to this post.

I also think the phrase "duck boobies" has been searched for in German, and it still pointed to my blog.

Today's winner is "voldemort stalker". Yay for Harry Potterness!

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In exciting news, The Avett Brothers are coming to my town! Tickets went on sale today, and I was able to snag some. I can't wait!

The Avett Brothers - At The Beach

the admission

2012-02-02T16:11:00.000-05:00

One benefit to being infertile (yes, I just typed that) is that I've really been forced to come to terms with my emotions and feelings.

In the beginning (beginning meaning around 2 years in to TTC), I would just feel. My emotions would run rampant, and I let them. Like a wild horse. I was bitter, jealous, unhappy.

(Ok, so maybe not like a wild horse. Generally wild horses must be happy, right? They get to run along the beach and stuff...)

Starting this blog was my first step in identifying my feelings. Typing out my thoughts provoked me to actually think about why I was feeling a certain way.

(Many of you may be thinking that I should have learned to do that years ago. I don't know when people really start to fully understand their emotions. To realize what triggered a thought or feeling, why you reacted the way you did, and how you can take steps to avoid getting upset. Perhaps I'm late to this party. I never claimed to be an early-developer! I'm like a real grown-up now!)

I've made progress, too. Hearing a pregnancy announcement no longer sends me into a downward shitstorm spiral. I find myself genuinely feeling happy for newly-expecting couples (especially those who are close to me). And this is a place I was never sure that I would reach. I'm proud of myself.

But I'm not perfect. My recent loss has added a new (unfortunate) dimension to my feelings. As if my feelings weren't complicated enough (I'm so emo, right?). Now, instead of pregnant bellies and ultrasound photos causing me anguish, it's smaller things: the date, a name, a memory.

Because I feel like I've grown as a person (gee thanks, IF!), I have something I want to get off my chest. It's something that has been there, tucked and hidden away in my inner-most thoughts and feelings. Something I've not ever revealed to anyone because I'm ashamed the thought ever crossed my mind (multiple times over many years).

Many of you may think I'm an asshole. Or may pity me. And maybe most of you won't understand, unless you fit a very specific criteria: unexplained IF + no pregnancy ever + 4 years of TTC. Or maybe all of you will understand. Who knows.

Before my recent pregnancy and miscarriage, I was envious of women who had experienced a loss.

Sure, go back up and re-read that. Clean your monitor or your glasses if you like, but you read that correctly the first time.

I was jealous because they had seen two lines. I was so desperate for answers, for hope, for anything, that I actually welcomed the thought of a miscarriage. I wanted to know that at least my body could do something semi-right. Because as it stood, it wasn't doing much of anything properly when it came to making a baby.

Sure, I was ovulating. Sure, Buster had all kinds of sperm. But that wasn't getting us any closer to conceiving.

We had nothing but wasted time, wasted money, and heartache.

And I was ashamed at the time to be feeling that way. I felt guilty for thinking it, because I knew those women who experienced a loss were hurting. Of course, I had no clue how much they were hurting until January 2, 2012.

Now I know. After 4 1/2 long years, I got my sick and twisted wish. I experienced a loss and the shattering of earth that goes along with it. The breaking of hearts. The pain of losing what you never really had.

This is a tough hand we (you and I, anyone who walks this road) have been dealt. Infertility is hard. Infertility + loss is even harder.

I hope that in recognizing my feelings, I can work on not letting guilt creep in. Coping with the emotional toll of infertility is hard work, and guilt only makes things tougher.

I no longer feel guilty for those thoughts. I carried that guilt with me for too long. I understand why I wished for a loss. Why I wished for something, anything to happen. I know that the me who thought those things is different than the me today. I'm more mature, and more in touch with my emotions.

And I've suffered a loss. And it's nothing I would wish on anyone, especially the me from two years ago.

waiting

2012-02-02T13:20:00.002-05:00

I waited 4 1/2 years to finally get pregnant, only to have it end.

Now I'm waiting for my period. Waiting to get started on FET #2. Waiting for a chance to even attempt to get pregnant.

Waiting to... exhale? Sorry, I couldn't resist.

I'm waiting for the results from my D&C. I called my clinic today. The results are not in yet, and the nurse said that they typically take 6 weeks to receive them, and sometimes 8 weeks. Lovely.

I'm tired of waiting.

i should be

2012-01-30T18:12:00.000-05:00

Today marks four weeks since we received the devastating news.

I should be celebrating my graduation into the second trimester.

I should be starting to see a baby bump.

I should be pregnant.

ok, maybe 20%

2012-01-27T08:28:00.000-05:00

Perhaps I was feeling incredibly optimistic on the day I wrote the 10% post. I think it's more like 15-20%.

Last night I babysat. I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but I babysit for two adorable boys once or twice a week. W is 4, and G is 18 months. They are truly great kids!

After I had put G to bed, W and I were playing with cars. I point to the purple one, and tell him that's my favorite. He looks up at me, and says,

"Are you the mommy of somefing?"

Stunned silence from me. Mouth gaping. You can picture the face, right?

I reply, "No, not yet."

And he asks,

"When will you be the mommy of somefing?"

Sadly, I say, "Hopefully soon."

And we resume playing with cars.

Even after I put W to bed, even after I am on my way home, I can't shake those questions. I tried. I blasted my iPod on the way home. Tried to sing along, and just forget it. I couldn't do it.

Then I start worrying about being in a sad mood when I get home. I hadn't seen Buster all day. When I left for work, he was still sleeping. Now it was nearing 9:00 p.m. The last thing I wanted to do was to be a crumbling mess when I really see him for the first time that day.

When I got home, I tried to put on my "everything is fine" face, but he knew better. He asked what was wrong, and I told him. And he held me.

I apologized for being sad when I got home, and I told him I know he doesn't like it when I get home for the day in a bad mood. He then says, "No, only when you're a bitch to me." I crack a half smile.

He hugged me for another minute, but had to let me go because Kelsey was getting extremely jealous. She's very protective of her daddy.

Buster mentioned that I should have told W that I'm a mommy to Kelsey, and honestly, it crossed my mind. But I thought that if I did say that, it might draw out the conversation, and I did not want that.

I am feeling better today, however. We have a busy weekend planned, and I'm looking forward to it. And I'm hoping those questions won't continue to haunt me.

planning for the (hopefully not too distant) future

2012-01-26T15:35:00.000-05:00

A conversation with a friend about tampons today made me realize that I don't have any.

At some point, after one of the ultrasounds where we got to see our (living) baby with a beating heart, I gave my sister a whole box of tampons. Because, well, I wouldn't be needing them again for 9+ months, right?

The cost of the tampons isn't the issue here, obviously. But when the memory of me giving the tampons to my sister popped into my head, I felt... embarrassed.

It was some sort of symbolic gesture. Me giving her something I wouldn't be needing for quite some time. For the first time since I was 13, I wouldn't be having periods.

And thinking back on that moment today, I feel ashamed and embarrassed. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I feel naive. And gullible. And stupid.

Add this to the ongoing list of things I definitely WON'T do if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again.

For shits and giggs, here is that working list.

THINGS THAT WON'T BE HAPPENING IF I'M LUCKY ENOUGH TO GET PREGNANT AGAIN:

I will not be inviting my parents to an ultrasound.
I will not be giving away my tampons.
I will not tell anyone until I get into the second trimester.
I will not be signing up for any weekly email updates about what size my baby is.
I will not be signing up for any free subscriptions to pregnancy magazines.
I will not go to Barnes & Noble and spend $40 on fancy pregnancy magazines.

the present's just a pleasant interruption to the past

2012-01-25T16:31:00.001-05:00

If you are looking for something to watch on TV tonight around, oh, 10:00 p.m. EST...

I highly suggest checking out Face Off on SyFy. I'm a fan of pretty much any show where people have to create something (Project Runway, Chopped, etc). Add a fantasy/sci-fi twist, and I'm smitten. The contestants are special effect makeup artists, and it's amazing to see what they can create.

__________________

I love how sometimes Pandora can surprise me. It just took me back 10 years.

TEN.

I was 20. And I loved this song.

Whiny man voice + piano = swoon.

the right wrong direction

2012-01-24T20:12:00.002-05:00

I got my beta results today. I wanted to title this post "Beta #2" but it's really not #2. Maybe more like #6. Or #-2. But that's just confusing.

Anyway, we are thankfully moving in the right (yet so, so wrong) direction. It was 39. Much better (??!) than the 826 from twelve days ago.

I am incredibly thankful that my body is cooperating. I'm not sure I could handle any more bumps in the road at this point.

Although, I'm doing pretty well. Surprisingly well. I'm really starting to almost feel normal again.

Work has been busy to the point of insanity. This is helping me by keeping me distracted. If it was slow (like it typically is), I'd be more likely to find some way to depress myself.

Also, I've taken on some long-term freelance work. I will be redesigning a website and maintaining it. I've never designed a website from start to finish (other than blogs), so this will be a fun (and tough) project for me. I'm looking forward to pushing myself and to learn new things. Especially something that could potentially make me a lot of extra cash on the side.

So, 9-5 work and freelance work is keeping me occupied.

I went to lunch with my friend on Sunday. I was a bit apprehensive about this lunch date, as she is 18 weeks pregnant. I just wasn't very confident in my ability to be able to keep my shit together.

But, I did. And I can honestly say I did not feel one ounce of bitterness or jealousy towards her. Not to sound like I'm totally patting myself on the back here, but I'm really proud of myself. I'm not sure how I managed to not let those feelings creep in, but I did it.

As much as I hate using cliches...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Right?

She remarked several times during our lunch at how well I'm doing and how she really admires my positive outlook and attitude. And that got me to thinking that maybe I am doing pretty well, regardless of that whole 10% thing. Maybe I need to give myself a little more credit here.

My friend also said that after she was cleared to start TTC again after the miscarriage, they tried for 3 months before she got pregnant again. During those 3 months, she went crazy. Charting, temping, OPKs, etc. And it was overwhelming to her. TTC and the roller coaster of emotions associated with it consumed her.

And we all know what that's like.

She commented then that she doesn't know how anyone can keep doing that, and maybe she said something along the lines of being impressed with my attitude, given all we've been through and how long we've tried.

Which led me to think about how hopeless you feel at times TTC. How alone. How abnormal. How jealous, and bitter, and resentful, and lost.

Perhaps my skin has gotten thicker. Maybe I'm so used to the bad stuff that I can deal better with it when it happens.

Or maybe it's just part of the roller coaster, and I'll get back to that hopelessness at some point.

Or maybe I've gotten through that "phase" and I've graduated to something else? I know I don't want to go back to that place, so I'm going to try my best to remain positive and hopeful for the future. Even given everything that's happened. Even though life can be so cruel. Even though my dreams were shattered three weeks ago.

I still have hope.

the other 10%

2012-01-21T11:03:00.000-05:00

All I was looking for was a manilla envelope.

I needed to bring our marriage license to the car dealership. They were attempting to finish up our paperwork, but the vehicle we traded in was in my maiden name. So, they needed my marriage license.

Not wanting to bring the license to the dealership all unprotected and exposed, I decided it should go into an envelope.

I knew we only had one in the house, and it was currently being used. But that's the only thing I could think of to house this document.

So, I removed the two ultrasound photos that were living in the folder. Put them in a filing cabinet with sweet cards that Buster has given me over the years.

And all of the sudden, I broke down. Buster comes in, asks what's wrong. I tell him. I expected him to be exasperated. Exhausted from my mood swings. To sigh, roll his eyes, or walk away. Or all three.

But instead, he just held me close. And I cried, for the first time that day. Maybe for the first time in a couple of days.

You know how people say they feel like they were punched in the gut? It is so fitting to describe the wave of sadness that hits you every so often. Sometimes it's triggered by what someone says, what you've looked at online, the date, a pregnant belly. Sometimes the catalyst is your own mind, racing too fast and thinking too many things.

If you've suffered a loss, you know all of this already. I know I'm not the first to feel this way, and I won't be the last.

I feel like this isn't me, and not my life. Sure, I feel practically normal most of the time. Probably 90% of the time. Buster and I have really been enjoying each other and our life together.

But when that punch in the gut happens, it knocks me into some strange nightmare. Where nothing is right and good, and never will be.

I hate that nightmare.

the unpregnancy

2012-01-20T13:16:00.000-05:00

After posting practically every day since we found out our baby died, I have been slacking.

I just don't have much to say I guess.

I am, of course, still dealing with the emotional aftermath of a miscarriage. And the hormonal imbalance of a body that was pregnant one day, and not pregnant the next. Today marks two weeks since the d&c.

Unpregnancy symptoms:

My face has broken out horribly. Much like it does when AF arrives, and when I ovulate. I was enjoying the break from these cyclical self-esteem killers. At 30, I always assumed I'd have nice skin. But, I assumed I'd have babies too. The younger me was laughably naive.
No more sore boobs. In the beginning of my pregnancy, they weren't sore either. But as things progressed, they started to get sore and tender. No more, which is great news for Buster. He can go back to the surprise tweaking of my nips whenever he's feeling feisty (and just to clarify, this happens when we are not "doing it", this happens while I'm cooking dinner, or walking through the house, or whenever he feels like it).
The veins that made a dramatic appearance on my boobs have diminished. They are still a little more noticeable than they were in the past, but nothing like a couple weeks ago.
I am no longer going to bed at 8:30 p.m. I've been staying up until 11:00 p.m. (gasp!), and on work nights! So, no more fatigue.
The pangs of nausea I had been feeling every now and again have subsided. I did have some leftover nausea last week, but I can happily report that as of this week, it is no longer. I never really minded the nausea when I was pregnant, but after the d&c, it just seemed like a cruel joke.

So, the unpregnancy seems to be almost complete. I will head in for another beta on Monday.

___________

Some random thoughts:

Every time I see a preview for Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, I cry.

I really plan to do a TV post soon. I've been watching Project Runway All Stars, Face Off, and Top Chef. Oh, and Dance Moms (don't ask! I blame the fact that last season it was on directly after Project Runway. I don't really have an excuse for continuing to watch it. It's the whole "train wreck" phenomenon...).

___________

the names of the trees

2012-01-17T16:26:00.000-05:00

I miss being pregnant.

That's all.

____________________________

"January Wedding" by The Avett Brothers

826

2012-01-13T14:26:00.001-05:00

826 is today's magic number!

That's my beta from yesterday.

According to Betabase, I'm about 20 dpo today.

The last time I had my beta checked I was 24dp6dt, or around 30dpo. And my beta was 11,517. That number seemed so promising.

I go back on the 23rd for another beta draw. I really hope it's much closer to zero.

____________________

I had lunch with my grandma today. The one who I was dreading telling about the miscarriage.

We had a very nice lunch. She almost always brings me a little gift each time we get together, and today was no different.

Before I reveal the gift, let's just say that I don't wear that much jewelry. I wear my wedding/engagement rings. And when I wear black or gray (most days, honestly), I rock the ring that Buster gave me for Christmas last year. And some days, I wear earrings. A couple days a week, maybe. And I almost always wear these:

I got them at a Swarovski store in NYC a couple years ago. They were part of an Alice in Wonderland collection. And I love them.

Once every couple of weeks I may wear a necklace. I have a beautiful star pendant Swarovski necklace Buster got me, but I think it clashes with the heart earrings, so I rarely wear it. Too Lucky Charms-ish, ya know?

So that's it. The extent of the jewelry I wear.

Back to my grandmother's gift to me.

It's a Leopard. In bracelet form.

It was very sweet of her, so of course I fawned all over it. It's definitely odd, but it's actually growing on me. I can't imagine I'll wear it often, though. Maybe when we go out for dinner or the movies (pfft... the last movie we saw in a theater was the final HP).

there are times life will rattle your bones...

2012-01-13T09:40:00.002-05:00

It's Friday the 13th. I knew it was coming, and then completely forgot, until I read the latest post on Stirrup Queens.

The last Friday the 13th I can recall was the day of my LEEP surgery. Surgery on Friday the 13th. Spooky, right?

I've never been one for superstitions. I don't buy into them. However...

Today I will be getting a phone call from my doctor's office telling me the results of my beta blood draw.

Usually those calls are super exciting, right? They were for me, all those decades ago. Ok, only a month and a half ago. But it certainly feels like a lifetime ago.

Even though in many ways I'm dreading today's phone call, the control-freak in me can't wait to hear the number. I would love some insight into what my body is doing.

No matter what happens today, it won't be a good day. Sure, it has potential to be a mediocre day. A day that I can survive. Maybe even a day with no tears.

But it won't be a good day.

Here's to hoping the trend breaks for the next Friday the 13th in April.

____________________

"Dear Avery" by the Decemberists

drowning

2012-01-12T14:04:00.000-05:00

You say that only a fool fights the sea.

Very well.

I am that fool. And I will die fighting.

That is a quote from I Wrote This For You. Such an amazing blog.

____________

I had my post-op appointment today.

It's really difficult to describe how much I dread going back in to my OBGYN's office. Here's a brief rundown of what was going through my (unstable) mind as I arrived at the office:

As I'm pulling up, I see someone in scrubs walking to their car:

Oh there's the ultrasound tech who did the ultrasound on the worst day of my life. I wonder if she recognizes me. Was that a look of pity she just gave me?

As I park and turn off the ignition:

Do I really want to get out of this car? Do I have to?

As I enter the building and press the up button on the elevator:

I hate this fucking elevator. [insert flashbacks of the elevator trip back downstairs with my parents after learning the devastating news]

As I get off the elevator and head towards the office, with it's glass front and glass door:

Ugh the office is packed. Look at all those pregnant ladies. Fuck. This is going to suck.

As I'm signing in:

Do the girls at the front desk remember me? Do they remember my situation?

As I sit down, directly across from a super cute pregnant girl:

This was a bad seating choice. Now I have to stare at her fucking belly until I get called back. This is the same seat my mom sat in when we were here ten days ago, waiting to get called back. I wish I still had FB on my phone so I had something to do other than stare at bellies.

As I notice a couple come out from just having an ultrasound:

They look happy. Oh, I see. They have some ultrasound pictures. She's not showing, so this must be their first appointment. First ultrasound. They are sitting exactly where Buster and I sat after our first ultrasound. Coincidence?? I'm cracking. I can't do this.

And then my eyes well up with tears. And I am the weirdo that everyone else is probably staring at and wondering why on earth she's crying. I am almost wishing someone would say SOMETHING to me. Anything. Ask me how far along I am. Say something about their pregnancy. ANYTHING.

I just wanted to shout to everyone in that waiting room that my baby DIED last week. And here you are, pregnant and happy. And me, broken and suffering.

I texted Buster:
"I feel like I'm starting to crack in this waiting room. I hope I get called back soon."

He immediately calls me. I already had tears in my eyes, and just hearing his voice sets me to real tears. He asks if I'm ok. I choke out, "I will be when I get out of here." I was trying to be quiet, but I'm sure the billion pregnant ladies in earshot heard me. I hurried off the phone with him, because it wasn't doing anything for my resolve.

I eventually get called back. I can instantly tell that the nurse read my chart (good girl) and knows what I'm going through. The sympathy on her face angered me. Irrational, I know.

We head back to the room. She asks how I'm doing. "I'm ok."

How do you think I'm doing? I just had to endure 25 minutes in a waiting room full of happy couples and a sea of pregnant bellies. I can't breathe. I'm drowning in this sea.

But "ok" seemed adequate.

She leaves to get the doctor.

He comes in, asks me the same exact questions the nurse did. He presses on my stomach. He tells me that the surgery went well. He mentions that the chromosomal test results aren't in yet, but should be in 2-3 weeks. He then says that I need to have a beta done today, and again in about 10 days.

And I feel dead inside.

I ask if I can exercise and if I can have sex, the answer to both is yes.

"But be sure to use protection."

I laugh in his face.

He goes on to say that he knows we did IVF, but my body is confused and no need to confuse the situation any more.

I think he's confused. 4 1/2 years of unprotected sex left me with nothing except some fond memories and some sore muscles.

He says that anything can happen. I think he might have said something about miracles. I don't remember.

At this point I'm just internally rolling my eyes.

He's a nice guy, and really, chances are anything he said to me would have been scoffed at. He's just the messenger, right?

They will call me tomorrow with my beta results. Can't wait...

____________

My wonderful friend Aub is having a rough time. She is currently pregnant with twins after her second IVF (her first IVF ended in miscarriage last year). She found out yesterday that she has partial placenta previa, and has been put on bedrest. Please stop by her blog and give her some well-wishes. She is struggling with this, even though she knows it must be done for the babies.

____________

Thank you for all the compliments on my hair! I'm loving it. Actually, I was thinking while sitting in the waiting room today, surrounded by bumps:

"At least my hair is better than theirs."

Yep, I'm a bitch.

my new look

2012-01-11T18:32:00.000-05:00

Never one to disappoint, here is my daily post!

I have been posting pretty much daily since we found out about the miscarriage. I ~~think~~ know it's because right now, I need the support. So please know how much I appreciate it, and how much it's helping me. If anything, it's just nice to know I'm not alone.

________________

I got my hair done today! I've never found a stylist that I love. Most have been just ok. None have been amazing enough for me to swear my fealty to them.

Times they are changing, friends.

I absolutely love my new cut and color. The stylist was very sweet and also had no problem telling me that what I had initially been thinking might look weird on me. She thought going full-on ombre may not work well because I wear my hair straight 90% of the time. And when you have the ombre look with straight hair, the change in color is more apparent.

She suggested that instead of ombre, she would dye the top of my hair dark brown, one shade darker than my roots. This would get rid of the weird leftover red hair color and would cover up the roots from that. But she didn't want to cover up all the reddish, because she thought it would add dimension at the bottom. Then she wanted to do some caramel highlights underneath, so when she cut my layers, all the color would be towards the bottom and underneath, so there were no drastic roots.

I decided to go with her suggestion. She's the professional, after all.

Here is a "before" photo. Granted, it's when my hair was done up nicely (nicer than normal, anyway) for my company's Christmas party. You can see some of the reddish on the top, and where my roots had started to grow out.

before

Here are some shots of the current look:

Unfortunately, none of those pictures shows the sides or back, but take my word that it is just dark brown, no funny business! I'm really liking it, and I love the fact that there's an unexpected hint of color towards the bottom/underneath.

_____________________________

Buster and I got a piece of mail today. It was addressed to both of us, and then "+1" after our names. That was for the baby.

It was from Buster's cousin, who is pregnant. I excitedly sent her a message on FB after our 8 week appointment, telling her that we were also pregnant. Soon after, she messaged me wanting our address.

It was a card announcing their pregnancy.

And it made me sad. I already threw away the card, but I couldn't bring myself to throw out the envelope. Yet.

_____________________________

So I did it, by the way. Deactivated my Facebook account. I had a pang of regret right after, but that soon subsided. I came home yesterday in good spirits. And again today. It's a nice change.

Thank you all for your advice regarding the FaceBreak. You are invaluable. Honestly.

I don't think I could do this without you. You know, the whole "survive" thing.

oh yeah, i'm totally fine

2012-01-10T10:45:00.000-05:00

I wake up feeling great. Well, maybe not great, but really good.

I feel positive.

My day goes on. Things happen. Things like a million pregnancy/baby/kid posts on Facebook. Things like me stalking the August Due Date club I had joined. Things like me being masochistic and depressing myself.

So by the time I fight traffic, get gas, and get home, my mood is not good.

And that's what Buster gets to deal with. The shattered, emotionally-drained me. Not the positive, feeling-pretty-good me. And I know that's hard for him.

Like any good husband, he hates seeing his wife unhappy. He feels helpless because he cannot cheer me up. He works hard trying to keep my spirits good, and it is wearing him out.

Yesterday when I got home, he said that he doesn't want to deal with it anymore.

After a couple deep breaths, I said that I also do not want to deal with it. At all. I wish I could erase the past three months and all the memories and all the happiness and sadness, and everything in between. Eternal Sunshine style.

And something I said resonated, because then he apologized. And I apologized for not being the best me of the day when I'm at home. That's where I want to be my best me. Not when I'm in front of a computer screen in an office, alone.

This is hard. Not only experiencing a loss and dealing with the emotional ramifications, but carrying on relationships, especially the most important one. Trying to find a balance between grieving but also maintaining your life and love.

Most of the time I feel alone.

__________________

I am really considering taking a FaceBreak. My FB feed could not be anymore baby-centric, and I'm not sure it is doing anything positive for me at the moment. Actually, I know it's contributing to my less-than-stellar moods. I hate that it's such a big decision, that I really need to think about it. Why can't I just step away? I'd love to not have to deal with it.

one week

2012-01-09T12:27:00.000-05:00

It's been one whole week since we got the bad news.

It feels like it's been a decade. Or two.

I'm doing just ok today. I'm here. I'm surviving. I'm not happy, but I'm not distraught.

_________

I'm trying to focus on upcoming good things. There aren't many I can think of right now, other than my hair appointment on Wednesday. I need a change. Hopefully getting a stylish new cut, as well as a dye job. Thinking of ombre. My hair is currently a bit of a reddish brown. Aiming to have it dark, dark brown, with some caramel ombre highlights. If my new stylist gives me any reason to doubt her ombre-ability, however, I'm going for just the normal dye job.

Here are some pics of what I'm thinking (ranging from least-dramatic to most-dramatic):

_________

I wish I could put forth the kind of effort I exert looking for photos of hairstyles into my work. I am working on three projects simultaneously, and can't make any headway on any of them. Now I'm starting to shut down because I'm overwhelmed. I hate this feeling. The same thing happened to me when I needed to write my thank-you cards after our wedding.

_________

Other than the hair thing, I'm actually looking forward to eating healthier and exercising again. I have gained 8 pounds in two weeks. EIGHT. Thank you, Ben & Jerry's. Thank you, bakery cookies. Thank you, Cocoa Pebbles. I'm an emotional eater, can you tell?

a small meltdown

2012-01-08T09:25:00.000-05:00

So...

I had a small meltdown yesterday.

And my day started off so well. I was feeling very positive. My blog post from yesterday is proof.

About two hours after I posted that blog entry, I get a phone call from my grandfather. The one who did not know about the miscarriage up to that point. He was asking if Buster and I wanted tickets to the university basketball game.

Well, it seemed silly to have him on the phone and not disclose my news. So, I asked to speak with my grandmother. And I told her. She was stunned. She cried. She didn't know what to say. I cried a little, but then went full-force into my positive spin, and the conversation was as pleasant as it could have been. She was proud of my strength, glad that I'm not letting this tear me apart, etc etc.

Right after we get off the phone, I get a text from a coworker. This is the same coworker who, months and months ago, was always asking if we were pregnant yet. Finally, I felt like I had to fill her in on our infertility struggles. I also let her know when we were doing IVF, and I can't tell you how incredibly happy for us she was when we finally became pregnant.

I sent her an email last week telling her about the miscarriage. She has been very supportive and sweet since then, telling our boss and several of my coworkers so I didn't have to.

She's never been to my house. She tried to find it based off of what I had told her, but she texted me asking where exactly it was. She was on my street. No warning.

And she came bearing fruit. A really nice fruit basket that my company bought. Yes, this was very sweet. But I am not a fan of unannounced visits. Especially right after I hang up the phone from telling my grandmother I had a miscarriage.

So I talk with her a bit. She asks how I'm doing, blah blah blah. I just wasn't wanting to deal with any of this. All I wanted to do was go run my errands and go about my day.

After she leaves, I finally get out to run my errands. One of which includes WalMart. Nothing like going to WalMart on a Saturday afternoon, when it is most crowded. I'm a masochist, yes?

It takes me about an hour to do all the shopping I need to in WalMart. I head out with all my bags and load them into the Jeep. I pull out, driving down the parking "aisle" towards the exit.

I see a car cutting across parking spaces and aisles (lanes? whatever.), heading directly towards me. I'm just driving, legally, down the lane towards the exit. I didn't slow down, because I assumed they would stop. I mean, they were the one driving ILLEGALLY, right?

Well, the old lady does not stop. She pulls in front of me. I throw my hands up in frustration, all the while spewing expletives and questioning the fact that she is behind a wheel at all.

She swings around me, obviously looking for a parking space. She stops though, and her driver's side window and my driver's side window are facing one another, about two feet apart. She must have seen me throw my hands up and seen my mouth moving at a fast speed. She says, in seriously the most annoying voice ever,

"Excuuuuuuuuuuse me??"

Really? Like you did nothing wrong here? I just enjoy cursing out old lady's for the fuck of it??

I couldn't even dignify her with any words. So I flipped her off. Right to her face. And sped away.

And right then, I say out loud to myself,

"Maybe I'm not doing as well as I thought."

__________________

Today marks what would have been my 10-weeks-pregnant milestone. I'm attempting not to dwell on that fact, but it's there, in the back of my mind. I can't believe it's only been six days since we found out that our baby no longer had a heartbeat. I feel like it's been centuries.

let the healing commence

2012-01-07T09:18:00.000-05:00

It's over.

Well, it was over this past Monday, but it's officially, unequivocally over.

There is no more baby inside of me.

And I don't feel as empty as I expected.

I had to ask Buster last night if something was wrong with me that I wasn't more distraught. Obviously I'm sad. Obviously I have been and am mourning the loss of my first-ever pregnancy.

But somehow, the realization that there is no longer a lifeless baby inside of me has lifted this immense burden of sadness and grief from me.

Not all of it. Never will it all be gone.

But the chunk of sadness and grief that rendered me a walking zombie has been lifted.

I feel some... relief.

Do you think I'm weird? Uncaring? Buster has reassured me that I'm not, but I can't help feeling it.

A good friend had a d&c after discovering a miscarriage at 10 weeks. She told me that she was in a vicious depression for 3 weeks, and that I should expect to really be hurting.

And don't get me wrong, I'm hurting. But I am ready to start healing. Physically and emotionally.

I have a theory on this. Maybe it's a bunch of horseshit, who knows. But it's my current theory on perhaps why I'm feeling so... resilient?

Infertility.

I have learned to expect disappointment. I know pain and sorrow. I know yearning and wanting and jealousy and sorrow. Never to this level, granted. But I've experienced years of it.

And it has made me stronger and more resilient than I ever could have imagined.

Someone who has not endured the same kind of struggle, a process that is coming up on it's 5-year anniversary, may be more heavily affected by the news of a miscarriage.

Does that make any sense?

It does in my warped mind.

But as I said up above, I am hurting. But I'm ready to move on. The d&c was the biggest hurdle in my way, and now it's done. I'm ready to get back to being me.

We have three snowbabies in NYC. We will be doing another FET when my body gets back to normal. I realize that my next period may not be for 2 or 3 months. And I'm ok with that (although I was bummed to hear that initially). I plan to use that time to focus on me. Much like I did after my failed IUIs in the beginning of this year, I am going to work on becoming a healthier me.

I have gained six pounds since the start of our FET. And even then I was seven pounds heavier than I was when I lost the 20+ pounds. I think losing a bit of this pudge will make me feel better. Right now I have to wear the stupid belly band to fit in my pants, and I reallllly don't want to keep having to use that thing. I'm ready to throw it in the box with all my pregnancy books and magazine and not look at it for a while.

So that's where I am today. I'm starting my recovery. Starting to allow some optimism for the future in.

_______________________

Per my request, the POC (products of conception... aka my baby and all the stuff surrounding it that was removed from me yesterday) was sent off to be tested for chromosomal abnormalities. As off as this may sound, I'm really hoping it was a chromosomal issue. I don't want this to be immune related. I want it to be bad luck.

_______________________

Today I have to do something I've been putting off since Monday. I need to tell my grandparents about the miscarriage.

They were on vacation in Palm Beach this past week. They got home last night.

I didn't want to tell them while they were on vacation. I know they will be devastated. I can't even explain to you how excited they were. They LOVE babies. LOVE.

And in a different way than my parents. I think it's mostly due to the fact that my parents have no grandchildren. My grandparents have eight. And they LOVE babies. Have I mentioned that?

I got a text yesterday from my grandma that they had safely arrived back in Pittsburgh. She also included some cute baby girl names that they heard while around the pool at their posh hotel.

Ugh.

So, now I have to break the bad news. And I know it's stupid, but I feel guilty for ruining their day. I know, I know. That's asinine, right? But I can't help it. That's how I am. I'm a people pleaser, and I hate disappointing anyone.

And they will certainly be disappointed. Not in me, I know. But still.

Do I text? Call? Stop over? I don't know what to do.

I didn't have to do this with my parents, as they were in the room with me and experienced my heartbreak first-hand. So, I don't have this kind of experience.

Any suggestions?

the last full day with my baby

2012-01-06T08:57:00.000-05:00

We survived yesterday's ultrasound appointment.

Honestly, it wasn't even close to half as horrible as The Appointment. I knew what to expect. I was not holding out any hope that the tech had made a mistake. That seemed too masochistic, and I've felt enough pain this week to last me a lifetime.

Thankfully, one of my fears was alleviated as soon as I checked in. I asked the sweet receptionist (who has been going back and forth with me each week trying to get my paperwork from each ultrasound appointment to my clinic in NYC) if the ultrasound tech will know what's going on with us, because I don't want them to feel like they are giving me the bad news for the first time. She said that it's actually the same girl from Monday's awful appointment, so she is familiar with our situation.

So, a small crisis averted there.

Buster and I head back to the room, holding hands, looking somber. I get up on the table while Buster positions himself on the loveseat, as close to me as he can. I get my clothing adjusted, and we resume holding hands.

The ultrasound tech didn't say anything during the ultrasound. And that was fine with me. I didn't say anything, either. But I did watch the screen. It was my last chance to see my baby. To see the only baby I've ever been pregnant with. The baby who would have been so spoiled by both sets of grandparents, because he or she would have been the first grandchild.

The baby we have waited close to five years for.

Buster looked at the screen, too. A couple times I had fits of tears, but I tried my best to keep my composure so the tech could do her job.

When she was done, she left the room to get my doctor.

I looked over at Buster, and his eyes had a sheen to them. I just stared at him, and the only thing I could muster enough energy to say was,

"Our poor little baby."

He took my hand with both hands and said he loved me, and just continued to look at me.

Most of the time his blue eyes gave me strength, but there was a fleeting thought about if the baby would have had his blue eyes that set me to tears again.

The ultrasound tech came back in and said that my doctor was available, and we needed to go down the hall to meet with him. When he entered, he looked very sad for us. He knew about the clinical trial, as I had gone to him for all of my pre-IVF testing. He also knew about our infertility struggle.

He explained my options, which I already knew. I told him we would move forward with the D&C, and he said that's the route most women choose. Then he asked my blood type, and I told him it was O-. He then informed me that I needed a Rhogam shot before I left.

I asked my doctor if they could run the chromosome tests on the baby. He said he thinks it's too small at 9 weeks to be able to do so. Now, I know from what I've read online, women have had this testing done at this stage. But my doctor says that maybe at a research lab or some other facility, but he doesn't think the pathologists here will be able to. But he's going to ask them, just in case.

We then walked down the hall to surgery scheduling, and scheduled my D&C for 2:00 p.m. today. I didn't think they would be able to get me in so quickly, but I'm thankful they did.

Before leaving, I met with a different nurse for the Rhogam shot. We were chatting as I unbuttoned my pants and pulled them down a bit so she could get to my lower back/upper butt area. While I was mid-sentence, she practically took a running start and jabbed me so fast and hard with the syringe it made my whole right cheek tense up and remain that way. WTF. There's something to be said about getting it over with, but that was just ridiculous. My ass is really sore today.

So now I'm just killing time before we need to leave for the hospital. I'm not allowed to eat or drink anything today, so I'm fully anticipating my lack-of-coffee headache to hit me right around the time we need to be at the hospital.

Sigh.

someday the waves will stop

2012-01-05T08:38:00.002-05:00

I decided to move my "confirmation of baby death" ultrasound up a day. I just want to move this process along.

So, it's today at 11:30 EST.

Initially, I wanted to go alone. Buster was spared the heartache of the earth-shattering appointment. Why not continue shielding him from this pain? The protector in me wants him to not feel any of this sorrow that is consuming me.

But, he's already feeling this sorrow. And when I told him what I said to you, up in that last paragraph, he replied with,

"We are in this together, and I want to be there."

God, I love that man.

So, the big question in my mind is do I look at the screen, or not? I think this will be an in-the-moment decision, as I can see benefits and drawbacks to both options.

Also, is the ultrasound tech going to know why I'm there? Do I need to give them a brief rundown prior to me climbing up on that table? I don't want them to be expecting to see an alive baby. I don't want them to feel like they have to tell me the bad news for the first time. Been there, done that.

And I didn't tell anyone, other than Buster, that I moved my appointment up a day. I purposely did not tell my mom last night when she called me. I just don't have the energy to talk about it.

______________

I want to acknowledge the fact that yes, my blogging has taken a depressing turn. Everything is quite gray in my eyes at the moment. I hope you bear with me, because I have to believe it will get better. And my positive posts will come back. Just not quite yet.

And I have to say, blogging has been incredibly therapeutic in this whole ordeal. Putting my feelings into typed words brings me some kind of peace. And control. Control in a time when I can't really control much.

______________

Yesterday, at times, I was shocked to realize how well I was doing, given the circumstances. There were times when I laughed. Times when I wasn't thinking of the bad stuff.

But then, out of nowhere, the sorrow would grab me and pull me back down to that place where you feel as if you'll never get out.

One of these times was when listening to the song "Someday the Waves" by Iron & Wine. Ok, I'll admit, listening to Iron & Wine when feeling sad is just asking for trouble. But, it's not my fault! It came on Pandora!

This verse rendered me a blubbering mess (the kind where you are sucking in air trying to hold in sobs, but failing miserably):

Someday the waves will stop
Every aching old machine will feel no pain
Someday we both will walk
Where a baby made tomorrow is again

You can't blame me, right?

______________

And on a final random note, I'm angry that I even have to have a label for "miscarriage" on my blog.

sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole

2012-01-04T09:56:00.000-05:00

I don't feel any kind of overwhelming emotion today. Instead, I feel pretty dead inside (ugh, literally I suppose. I wasn't really trying to go there, but whatever.).

A fresh-faced zombie.

I put makeup on this morning. I had to do something to make myself feel better. To feel pretty. To feel normal.

Much like the title states, I feel as though I have a steady flow of sorrow inside. Like I'm hooked up to some kind of IV from hell. Just enough sorrow to remind me of my pain, but not enough to send me into any kind of pain-induced fits or a comatose state.

I have so much work to do. But all I'm accomplishing is staring. Staring out the window at the snow on the bank. Staring at my computer screen. Staring into my coffee.

___________________

What is it about a miscarriage and people suggesting surrogacy?

From the American Pregnancy Association's website:

Studies reveal that anywhere from 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage.

Obviously neither my mother or mother-in-law know about this statistic.

I know they mean well. But come on.

The evening after the appointment, Buster was on the phone with his mother. And she was saying that she will do whatever she can to help us, etc etc. Then some how, some way she brings up surrogacy. Like maybe we should consider it. I'm not sure exactly what was said, and I don't know how Buster responded.

But he told me after their phone call, and I was just a little shocked. Ok, I really had nothing left in me to feel shock. But I was still taken aback.

I guess people don't realize how common miscarriage is. Or how expensive surrogacy is. Or how maybe that's not what I want to hear on the day I found out my baby died.

Yesterday I was on the phone with my mom. She has been really broken up over all of this. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that she and my dad were in the ultrasound room with me. But the other reason this is affecting her so much is because it's bringing back memories.

When I was six, I had a two-month-old brother who passed away due to a heart defect (truncus arteriosis). Even though what my parents went through back then was WAY more painful than what I'm going through now, just the whole loss thing has really made these painful memories resurface for my mom.

So much so that yesterday morning I felt like I was having to console her and cheer her up. I didn't mind, but I really didn't have much in me to be able to do it very well.

Later in the afternoon, she seemed to be feeling better. I told her that I spoke with my clinic, and what they said. We talk about plans for the future, what I'd like to see happen, what I'm going to ask my clinic, etc.

She then says the most asinine thing imaginable.

"You know, I read a story in People magazine where a mother carried a baby for her daughter. I would do that for you."

Um.

Thanks?

Are you fucking kidding me??

I don't know much about surrogacy. And no offense, but right now is not a time I want to learn anything about it.

(I hope this whole rant doesn't make me sound anti-surrogacy. Because I'm not. I would definitely pursue that option someday, given the necessity. Right now I don't feel that it's anywhere close to being a necessity.)

Can a 55-year-old woman who has had a partial hysterectomy even be a surrogate?

And more importantly, is that what I would want?

She then made some joke about my sister's puppy, and how like the little pup, she might never want to give the baby back.

Aha. Ha. Ha.

I'm not in the mood to laugh, mom. I didn't say that, of course. I just brushed it off and got off the phone. Then sat there shaking my head.

Something about bad things happening to others brings out the dumb comments, right? I know many of you have experienced this. And I had too, relating to infertility.

Maybe it's not when a bad thing happens to someone, but maybe it's when people are just uninformed and ignorant. They don't know what to say, so they end up usually saying the wrong things.

I don't know what the right things are. There's really nothing anyone can say that makes me feel better. But I do appreciate knowing that I have support.

___________________

And this brings me to my final thought. In this dark time, I have taken great comfort in the comments of support and sadness posted by you, my friends and readers of my blog. Something about feeling loved and supported makes things not seem so bleak.

So please know that I appreciate each and every comment. Thank you.

___________________

Death Cab for Cutie's Marching Bands of Manhattan:

misery

2012-01-03T10:37:00.000-05:00

Last night there were moments where I forgot I had a dead baby in my stomach. I actually thought that maybe, just maybe, I would feel better in the morning. Maybe a bit normal.

I was wrong. Once again. Seems to be a common theme, right? My naivety and incorrect assumptions.

I had nightmares last night. One particularly vivid one involved me meeting with a group of girlfriends who presented me with baby presents. Just one look at the little baby clothes and cute gifts set me to tears, and I had to tell them that my baby was no longer alive.

It was awful.

I woke up several times over the course of the night, and my first thought as soon as I woke up was, "I'm no longer pregnant."

Then I would get flashbacks of the appointment. The haunting, apologetic voice of the ultrasound tech saying,

"I'm not actually finding a heartbeat."

And then that phrase would repeat in my head, on a loop. And I thought maybe I was going crazy. Certifiably so.

When I finally did get out of bed, looking at myself in the bathroom mirror brought the onset of more tears. My eyes were super dark and puffy. Never before have they looked that bad.

At that point, I really decided to stay home from work. I have so much to do at work that I was planning on just powering through it, but the way I felt this morning wasn't conducive to powering through anything. Except maybe a box of tissues. Or a dozen chocolate chip cookies from the grocery store bakery.

______________________________

I heard from my RE's office just a few minutes ago. They want me to go in for another ultrasound this week, just to confirm everything.

That's going to be fun.

But then once it's confirmed for sure, I will schedule a D&C. My RE's office prefers this route, so they can be sure there is no tissue hanging around, since we will be moving forward with another FET in the near future.

Also, I can stop the Lovenox and Dexamethasone, but I need to continue on with the Progesterone supps and the Estradiol. Ugh. Apparently the reason for continuing on with the Progesterone and Estradiol is because if I stop them, I may have some unpleasant bleeding. Well, if it will stave off some bleeding, I'll continue on I suppose. At least I don't have to stab myself again for a while.

devastation; or the silence of a heart that doesn't beat

2012-01-02T14:01:00.001-05:00

Our 9 week ultrasound was today. Today was the day I would be released from my RE. Today was the day I would see little arm and leg buds on my baby bean. Today was the day my parents, who went with me to the ultrasound, would see my little peanut on the big screen.

Instead, today was the day I found out our baby has no heartbeat. Today was the day I sobbed uncontrollably on the ultrasound table while trying to tell the ultrasound technician that last week the baby had a strong heartbeat of 157 bpm. Today was the day I saw my parents sobbing over the loss of their potential first grandchild.

Today was the day I had to call Buster and tell him that our baby had no heartbeat.

Just like I will never, ever forget the experience of our first ultrasound when we heard our baby's heart beating, I will never forget this ultrasound. Or the silence of a heart that doesn't beat. Or the final image of my baby on the monitor. It is forever burned into my memory.

My baby had grown since last week. They didn't say this, but I'm assuming that sometime in the past couple of days was when the heart stopped. It obviously happened sometime after Tuesday, which was my 8 week ultrasound.

I know it's not my fault, but I can't shake the feeling that it is. Even if it's nothing I did, it's my body. I blame my immune issues. It's too much of a coincidence.

We will continue trying. After all, that's all we know. But first, I have to wait to pass my baby.

And I thought 2012 was going to be such a good year.

The absurd things that melt my heart

2011-12-29T11:16:00.000-05:00

"Don't stab our baby in the face."

Yep, that made me swoon.

Would you like some background? Of course you would!

My nighttime routine is asinine. It makes me dread going to sleep.

Right now, it consists of:

Topping off my glass of ice water
Taking out my contacts
Brushing my teeth
Washing my face
Popping in a progesterone supp
Putting on a panty-liner
Getting my Lovenox syringe & alcohol swab out and setting them beside the bed
Plugging the charger into my cell phone
Getting my Boo-Boo Buddy out of the freezer and setting it on my bedside table
Adjusting and turning on my heating pad
Once in bed, applying Boo-Boo Buddy to whichever side of my stomach I'm going to be jabbing
Playing Words with Friends while I wait for my stomach to numb
Once numb, cleaning the area with the alcohol pad
Fanning the area dry
Opening the Lovenox syringe, removing the lid
Squeezing together a fold of fat to jab
Hoping that it doesn't hurt
If the jab seems like it will hurt, choosing another numbed spot
Sloooowwwwly inserting the Lovenox, as to prevent stinging. If it starts to sting, I stop and wait
Dispose of syringe and garbage
Reapply Boo-Boo Buddy to prevent any bleeding or bruising
Getting a prenatal vitamin out of the blister pack and taking it
Taking two fish oil softgels
Getting out one each of Estradiol and Dexamethasone, and taking them
Taking one last drink of water to wash away the "ugh" of pill taking
Throw Boo-Boo Buddy on the floor and hope Kelsey doesn't eat it (I can't put it on my nightstand after all! It's cold and wet!)
Read my Kindle for 5 minutes until I realize I'm too sleepy to read
Take off my glasses, turn off the light
Sleep

Well, last night, as I was getting ready to start step #16, Buster pops his head in the bedroom to say goodnight to me. He sees me getting ready to jab myself, and says:

"Don't stab our baby in the face."

Buster doesn't really talk too much about the baby. I know he's really excited and happy, but he's not a very emotional guy. And honestly, I'm not sure how much this has really sunk in with him yet.

So him bringing up the baby and being worried about me hurting the little bugger made me happy.

I know that sounds really bizarre. What can I say? I'm hormonal and pregnant. I'm really surprised I didn't cry!

8 week ultrasound

2011-12-28T16:17:00.000-05:00

I have lots of catching up to do, I know! Our Vegas trip, our new house, the holidays...

But today all I have time for is an update on our ultrasound appointment yesterday. It was a pretty quick appointment, but that doesn't mean that all kinds of great stuff wasn't packed into that short time!

Maurice was not my ultrasound tech this time. Instead, it was a sweet young woman. She talked more than Maurice had, and explained some things to me.

Right away I noticed that out little baby had grown considerably since last week! Baby was almost shaped like a baby. Last week it was more like a blur.

The heartbeat was also noticeably different this week. Last week, it was muffled and kind of static-y sounding. This week, it was loud and clear. Like a drum. It was such a beautiful sound.

157 bpm this week, versus 130 last week. I take that as a good sign!

(click to make bigger!)

I have a 9 week ultrasound scheduled for Monday. After that one, I should be released from my clinic in NYC.

This still doesn't feel real.

The first ultrasound; or the most amazing experience of my life

2011-12-20T15:44:00.000-05:00

As you, my faithful readers, know oh so well, I've had a million ultrasounds. Follicle checks, CD3 ultrasounds, even that rare ultrasound after the IUI to see the sperm placement. Many of these ultrasounds were unpleasant, either due to a gut full of follicles making the presence of a wand unbearable, or because of the complete stupidity of the doctor-in-training controlling said wand.

All of those now cease to exist in my mind.

There is no longer any room in my brain for those lackluster ultrasounds.

Buster and I arrive at my appointment on time. This is the office that force me to coin the phrase "preggo parade" because, well, every woman in the waiting room is noticeably pregnant. And back when I was going frequently due to my LEEP procedure, it was pure hell. And that's an understatement.

Well, I still had some weird, residual baby-bump envy, but it was nothing like it used to be. I'm just excited to someday have a bump!

I went back first for the medical history/weight/blood pressure portion of my appointment. The nurse asked if I had been drinking lots of water for my ultrasound. Um, no! No one told me I needed to do that! She told me not to worry and brought me a tall glass of ice water. Lovely!

The nurse (who was my age or a few years younger) was incredibly sweet, and I told her that we had been trying for over 4 years. She asked if we did IVF around here, and I explained to her that although we had gone to the one RE in town for quite awhile, I left unsatisfied and unhappy. I told her that we were accepted into a clinical trial in NYC, and that the cost of treatment was free. She seemed more interested than in just a writing-it-on-my-chart kind of way.

After a few more minutes, she came clean that she had been to my same RE for a year, and left unhappy. She is looking in to IVF, but the cost is just so overwhelming. I spent a good 15 minutes talking up my clinic and the clinical trial. I gave her my email address in case she had any questions.

I hope she goes for it. It was honestly the best thing that ever happened to Buster and I, and I would love to help other women battling infertility to achieve their dreams.

But back to the appointment. After the extensive medical history portion, I head back out to the waiting room to wait for the u/s tech to call us back. And after 15 minutes, he does.

And he looks just like Belle's father (Maurice) from Disney's Beauty and the Beast. Identical. Not quite what I pictured for the u/s tech, but ok!

As we head back to the fancy new ultrasound room, I realize that I'm acutely aware of my lack of apparent emotion. I expected to be a big bundle of nerves and worry. I wasn't. But I also wasn't overly excited either, because I just wasn't sure what this scan would show. I was just there.

We head into the room with Maurice. It's a huge room. The u/s machine and table is facing the wall. There is a small loveseat beside the table. On the wall we are facing is a huge flat screen TV.

I didn't know what to do. I expected to be having a vaginal ultrasound. I mean, I'm just barely 7 weeks along. Admittedly, I did not research at what stage they can do the ultrasound on the belly (no idea what this is called, by the way).

I am just standing there, looking at Maurice. Buster has taken a seat on the loveseat. Maurice finally turns around and tells me to hop up on the table. He tells me to lie back, lift up my shirt and unbutton my pants and fold them down a bit. Well aren't you forward, you little scatterbrained inventor, you?!

I reach for Buster's hand as Maurice squirts that warm gel on my stomach (get your head out of the gutter!). I glance over at Buster out of the corner of my eye, and he's trying not to laugh. I am too, but probably not for the same reason as Buster. If I laugh, I'm pretty sure I'm going to pee.

Maurice starts looking for baby. I anxiously watch the screen. Remember how I was feeling a lack of emotion walking into the room? All of the sudden I'm flooded with panic and fear. I see my giant bladder. Then, I see my uterus. With something in it!

He zooms in and centers my uterus on the screen. Then he zooms in again and does some measurements. I'm still not even sure what I'm seeing. I know there's something there, but the only thing that is really catching my eye is a big round empty thing, and I don't think that can be good news!

Maurice doesn't speak during this time. He's concentrating, and I let him. He does another zoom-in, and I see the fluttering of what I can now assume is my baby's heart.

Tears start streaming down my face.

Our baby has a heart, and it's beating!

Maurice pauses the shot, then pushes some button and the sound of our baby's heartbeat fills the room.

Amazing.

I try stealing a glance over at Buster. I think his eyes are watery, but I didn't look at him too long. It was very difficult taking my eyes off of that screen for a split-second!

But Buster is squeezing my hand, and I know that means he is happy and excited.

Maurice tells me that I am measuring 6w5d, which is a couple days shy of where I had myself. He mentions that it's perfectly normal to have a little variance. We finish up, and Maurice hands me some photos of our little peanut.

Baby's second photo!

It was an amazing experience. And it's one that I never really pictured myself having. Buster and I are on top of the world.

___________________________

We moved this past weekend. It was an exhausting couple of days. I'd rather never move again. And we are trying to get ready for Vegas as well. We leave tomorrow morning, and we have so much to do before then. I'm so ready for a few days of relaxation. And I am more than ready to deliver Christmas to a family that deserves it!

Some updates, and Beta #4 results

2011-12-15T09:55:00.001-05:00

I apologize for being MIA. As I mentioned in my last blog post, this December is the busiest one on record for Buster and I!

This past Monday, I had my fourth beta. This was 24dp6dt, or 6w1d. In order to fall within the normal doubling time of 72-96 hours for hcg > 1200, my beta needed to be a minimum of 5500.

Well, it was 11,517! That's a doubling time of 55ish hours, which I'm thrilled about! My E2 was 468 and my progesterone was >20, and my clinic was very happy with all of my numbers.

My first ultrasound is scheduled for this Monday, the 19th. My clinic also wants me to go in for two more ultrasounds on the following weeks. So, I will have an ultrasound at 7 weeks, 8 weeks and 9 weeks. I can't wait to see my baby!

In other updates, I have been absolutely swamped at work. It definitely makes my days fly by, but it's also giving me cause to worry a bit. I will be happy to finalize a couple of the projects and get them out of my life!

We leave for Las Vegas on Wednesday, and we are beyond excited! Plans have changed a bit, and Buster and I are the only people going! I'm completely fine with this, and am really looking forward to spending time with baby Jasmine's family!

Also, we've moved a couple things into our new place, but plan to do the bulk this weekend. Our poor undecorated Christmas tree has been living alone in the new house for almost a week now! I'm ready to get over there and decorate. Wish I could snap my fingers and all the moving and unpacking would be done...

I will update on Monday after our appointment! I hope to have wonderful news to share.

4 days until our first ultrasound!

Busy December (in all ways but one)

2011-12-07T09:37:00.001-05:00

When I first typed the title to this blog post, I typed, "Busty December!". Apparently my mind is in the gutter.

I'm sure it has absolutely nothing to do with my 24-day dry spell... Yes, it's been that long since we have done "it". Poor Buster. And poor me!

In my defense (ha) we weren't "allowed" to after the embryo transfer. And since then, I've been a) worried that it would mess something up, and b) distracted beyond measure. I'm sure someday we may be intimate again...

______________________

In other news, Buster and I closed on our first home last weekend. It's a pretty small house (1,500ish SF), but it's bigger than the apartment we currently live in! It's not somewhere I'd like to live forever, but it's definitely a start!

Buster and my FIL have been painting over there every day since the closing. We are hoping to start moving stuff in this weekend. This will definitely keep us busy!

______________________

As if buying a house and moving before Christmas isn't enough to do... Buster and I leave for Las Vegas in two weeks!

And this is a pretty amazing story.

As many of you who have been reading my blog for at least a couple months are well aware, I have a friend whose 6-month-old daughter was in desperate need of a heart transplant. Baby Jasmine was diagnosed with Dialated Cardiomyopathy, and was admitted to Loma Linda University Children's Hospital back in August. While her family lives in Las Vegas, Jasmine and her mother, Naycee, stayed in California for 92 days awaiting a new heart.

On November 28, 2011, Jasmine received that heart. And she is positively flourishing.

It's only been a week and a half, but the doctors are shocked and impressed with her progress. She continues to amaze everyone. Jasmine is an inspiration. And so beautiful!

Jasmine post-surgery, looking healthier by the minute!

Back before Jasmine received her precious gift, I was posting her story a lot on my Facebook page. The more people I could get to "like" her page, the more supporters she had, and the more likely it would be for her story to get out.

A friend of mine saw my posting on Facebook. She actually works at the corporate office of my company (I'm a contractor, so I work on-site at the government lab). She brought Jasmine's story to the attention of the upper management and owner of the company we both work for. And here is where it gets pretty amazing.

My company decided to "sponsor" Jasmine's family for the holidays. They typically adopt a local family and provide Christmas for the family. And when I say "providing Christmas", they go ALL OUT. Jasmine's story touched them, and they decided that regardless of where the family is located, they could stand to not have to worry about affording Christmas. And that Jasmine's older brother and sister (15 and 8) shouldn't have to have a meager Christmas.

Obviously I was beyond thrilled with this development. I excitedly relayed the news to Naycee, and she was just shocked that people she didn't know could be so compassionate.

A couple days later, my friend at the corporate office called me again. The point of this phone call was to inform me that the owner of my company wanted to hand-deliver the gifts to Jasmine's family. And she wanted Buster and I to accompany her.

I instantly started crying. What an amazing offer. Not only will I get to participate in bringing so much joy to a family, but I get to meet my friend Naycee in person! She has been such a wonderful friend to me, supporting me through all of my hard times. And I like to think I've done the same for her. And finally, we will get to meet.

When I called Buster to tell him the news of this generous offer, he cried. Our airfare and hotel room (at a BIG casino on the strip!) are covered. I will also be getting paid my normal wages, since the trip takes place during the week. We are also going to see a couple basketball games, as our home team is in a tournament there during this time.

We come home on Christmas Eve. I could not be MORE excited for this trip.

______________________

And one final update. I have another beta scheduled for Monday the 12th. I have also scheduled my first ultrasound! It is on Monday the 19th. I will be 7wk1d pregnant. We'll be leaving for Vegas on the 21st.

This is shaping up to be the best Christmas ever.

Beta #3: 17dp6dt, or 5 weeks 1 day

2011-12-05T14:19:00.001-05:00

My beta from today is:

1574!

A doubling time of 46.26 hours. That's increased since last beta, but I'm ok with that, as it's still within normal range (last beta doubling time was 29ish hours).

My progesterone is greater than 20, and my E2 is 451. My clinic seemed pleased with those numbers.

As am I!

My clinic wants me to go back in for a FOURTH beta in a week from today. Just when I thought I was done with blood work...

I was hoping they would let me schedule my first ultrasound appointment, but alas, nothing of that sort was said in the message. I have since sent an email asking if I can schedule this appointment. Hopefully they will humor me.

Full-circle: "Just Relax!"

2011-12-02T12:23:00.001-05:00

Just Relax.

That's all I want to do.

During all my years of TTC, I scoffed at the advice to "Just Relax". Never once did I seriously consider relaxing. You fight for what you want, after all, right? And fight I did. Tooth and nail.

After so many years, months, days, hours, minutes and seconds of stressing, worrying, trying, researching, and fighting, I think that's all I know how to do.

And I don't want to anymore. I don't want to stress. I don't want to research. I don't want to worry.

I want to enjoy my incredibly new pregnancy. My first pregnancy, ever. I want to take comfort in the fact that my test line is beating the control line. That I'm still peeing more frequently than before. That I am still having little bouts of nausea. That I'm not spotting, nor having any AF-like symptoms.

But the truth is I'm worried sick.

And I know I shouldn't be. Or maybe I should be. Who knows?

It's quite the conundrum, honestly. I know how I want be feeling and acting, but I can't force myself to get there. I can't let go of my fears and worries and doubts.

Because of all of my past disappointment in this realm, I'm expecting something to go wrong.

Am I an awful person because of that?

Will it get easier to accept that this is happening to me?

My third beta is on Monday. I'm on pins and needles, and already wishing away my weekend.

2nd beta results!

2011-11-28T17:54:00.001-05:00

I finally got my results!

127

That's a doubling time of 29.95 hours. Buster and I are so thrilled!!

I go back in for another beta in a week from today. If all goes well at that appointment, my first ultrasound will be 3 weeks from today.

Thank you all for your support. The IF blogging community is amazing. <3

10dp6dt: waiting for beta #2

2011-11-28T10:48:00.001-05:00

I went in for blood work this morning at 8:00 a.m. Hoping to hear from my clinic in the next two hours.

On a medication note, I stopped taking baby aspirin and have started Lovenox. Um, ouch. Lovenox SUCKS. So badly. I was expecting something similar to that of a Follistim injection. Wow, I'm naive.

My first attempt at jabbing the needle into my stomach didn't work. I wasn't applying enough pressure for a thicker needle than I was used to. So the actual injection hurt, the medication burned, and then it bled. And was sore for 10 minutes after.

Thankfully, I have gotten some helpful tips on how to make it more tolerable. Hopefully tonight it goes better.

From what I understand, I will be taking it for at least the first 12 weeks. I hope to learn more when I hear from my clinic today.

Symptom check:

Today is CD29, which is typically CD1 for me. No spotting or anything!

I'm still having bouts of nausea, and still have to pee more frequently. Last night I had a couple light cramps that were close to AF cramps, but not quite as severe. It worried me a bit, but my sticks were even darker today, so I feel better!

I also noticed myself getting tired out more quickly. I ran a bunch of errands yesterday morning, and by the time 10:30 a.m. hit, I was ready to curl up on the couch.

Insomnia has started to kick in a bit. Yesterday morning I woke up at 5 a.m. and could not go back to sleep. Last night I got really intermittent sleep, and was up practically every hour.

Pee stick check:

Still loving my sticks! This morning's was beautifully dark. I think I'm about done POAS!

My FRERs:

And the Answers:

9dp6dt

2011-11-27T07:17:00.001-05:00

Things are going well!

This weekend can't go by fast enough. I am so excited to find out my beta results tomorrow. I have a good feeling that they have increased as they should!

And this "good feeling" I have is mainly based off of the progression of my pee sticks. And throw in a couple symptoms. I'm a happy camper.

Thank you all for your encouraging words and well wishes in my previous blog posts, but especially my beta results one. I can't adequately explain how much my blogging experience has helped me to just survive this whole roller coaster, and your comments have helped me through some really bad times.

Just know that you are immensely appreciated.

Symptom check:

Today is CD28. My typical pre-AF symptoms are notoriously absent. The most conspicuous, as I've mentioned previously, is no sore boobs. Not sore at all. I still find it fascinating, so I apologize that I keep on about it.

I'm still having little bouts of nausea here and there. My increased need to pee is still going strong as well.

I had a touch of insomnia this morning. I woke up at 5 a.m. and could not go back to sleep for the life of me. Not sure if that's just a fluke or if it's some kind of symptom, but it's probably worth mentioning.

Pee stick check:

They continue to darken up!

Here is a photo, taken yesterday, of my FRER progression up that point:

And a photo of this morning's FMU test, along with the FMU tests from the previous couple days:

And finally, the digi:

1 day until repeat Beta!

7dp6dt Beta Results!

2011-11-25T14:04:00.001-05:00

"I have good news! Congratulations, you are pregnant."

Those words were spoken to me. To ME! I never thought I would hear them.

She did have to add, however, that my beta is a bit on the low side. It is 24.5. My progesterone and estradiol are both looking good. She really didn't seem overly concerned that it was a bit low, but I think she was obligated to mention it.

My clinic had initially wanted to see my number over 25. Hopefully 24.5 is close enough to be viable!

Even though I am 7dp6dt, which should translate to 13dpo, I feel as if I'm more 12dpo. The reasoning for this is because my embryo was on pace with a 5-day embryo (it wasn't hatching). So maybe he/she is just a little lazy?

Also, my tests have just started getting noticeably darker.

I got back in on Monday for a repeat beta. I will continue to pee on sticks this weekend, and I hope they get darker and darker. That will really help to ease my mind during this 3-day wait.

The nurse told me to take it easy this weekend. No heavy lifting, no sex, no baths/jacuzzis.

7dp6dt: Beta Day

2011-11-25T10:26:00.001-05:00

After a loooong Thanksgiving day (Buster and I attend two back-to-back meals...), I got home and POAS. I was working with about a 2-hour hold while drinking water. My sticks were not impressive, and even lighter than previous sticks.

This worried me. I went to bed thinking negatively. Yeah, yeah...I know! But I couldn't help it!

I woke up at 1:30 a.m. with my newly-acquired urgency to pee. No POAS at this time, although I did POAS when I got up at 6:30 a.m., and the sticks were darker!

I headed in to my local clinic for my blood draw. Due to the "holiday" today, there was a strange nurse there. After she drew my blood and was attaching the label to the vial of blood, the medical technician came in to collect my paperwork and vial. He glanced at the paperwork, and said to the nurse, "They are requesting beta hCG as well."

She had only marked Progesterone and Estradiol!!! I could have hugged the med tech at this point. Could you imagine if they didn't do hCG??? I would be just beside myself.

The med tech seemed to be in a rush to get out of the office, which makes me hopeful that he'll process my blood work ASAP and fax the results to Alderaan. I hope to hear from Alderaan by noon EST, but who knows! Could be as late as 3 p.m.

Symptom check:

Other than my need to get up to pee in the middle of the night, I haven't really had any other symptoms of note. One symptom that is conspicuously absent is sore boobs. I am CD26, and as I normally have 28/29 day cycles, by this cycle day my boobs are normally quite tender and sore. But they are feeling fine right about now, which is odd. But I'll take any odd things at this point!

Pee stick check:

They are getting darker!

FRERs, FMU

Equate from last night and this morning

$ tree tests from the past 3 FMUs

And finally, the prettiest ones yet... SMU with an Answer and a FRER:

6dp6dt: Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T09:53:00.001-05:00

Happy Turkey day, friends!

My beta is tomorrow morning. My clinic wants it to be over 25.

Let's get right to it...

Symptom check:

I woke up at 4 a.m. to pee, again. It's not a matter of me being too anxious to POAS, it's the fact that my bladder is so full that it hurts and I cannot honestly hold it. Third day in a row.

This morning I've also had some bouts of dizziness/light-headedness.

And (TMI), a good bit of creamy CM. And not the CM from progesterone supps... something different.

Pee stick check:

I have finally accepted the fact that my FMU sucks! This morning I used FMU and then POAS again with SMU. It's amazing the difference!

Here are some photos, for your viewing pleasure!

My last 4 FRERs:

Comparison photo of my two darkest sticks (yesterday PM and today SMU):

And finally, my weak FMU sticks, a comparison:

1 day until Beta!

5dp6dt: part two

2011-11-23T21:41:00.001-05:00

I'm exhausted after an evening of cooking. Every Thanksgiving Eve, my sister and I head to my parent's house and cook all night with my mom. It's fun, but can also be stressful. Three strong-willed women in a smallish kitchen... well, you get the idea.

Before I went out there though, I POAS. And, well... it appears to be darker than this morning's test.

I gaped at the test for a few solid minutes. Mouth open and everything. I called Buster in the room and asked him to examine the tests. He confirmed what I had seen.

I know, it's not that much darker. It may not even appear darker in this photograph, but it is definitely *slightly* darker in person.

I am so anxious for tomorrow morning to get here.

Thanksgiving is the new Christmas.

5dp6dt: part one

2011-11-23T09:07:00.001-05:00

Tuesday night is dart night. Buster is in a dart league, and on a team with his cousin, his brother, my brother and my father. Needless to say, they have a good time on Tuesday nights.

Which means I have a bad time (yes, like that time I had to clean up projectile vomit). My issue is that I am the lightest sleeper in the history of the world, and when Buster comes in trashed at whatever time of night, I am instantly awake.

Last night was no different. I'm not sure what time he came home, or what time he came to bed. But I do know that by the time he passed out, I was wide awake.

Also, I think he was having some episodes of sleep apnea. I'm not sure if it was alcohol-induced or what, but I've never heard him do anything like it before. I kept shaking him to get him breathing normally again, but after 5 minutes the breaths would shorten and eventually give way to some odd gurgling/choking sound. It was alarming.

Finally, it stopped. I'm not sure if he rolled over or changed position, but something fixed it.

At this point, I was awake and had to pee. BADLY. I was not going to get back to sleep without peeing. At 3:30 a.m.

I am still really hopeful that this urgency to pee is a good sign. I've never had this happen before. My luck, I'm just getting old and my bladder is weakening. Depends, here I come.

But I did look up the side effects for Dexamethasone, Prometrium, and Estrace, and none of them list frequent urination.

Symptom check:

Since this post is being written so early in the day, the only symptom I've had is the increased urgency to pee, which wakes me in the night.

I'm hoping some other symptoms crop up later today, but I'm not holding my breath.

Pee stick check:

What else is a girl to do at 3:30 a.m. other than pee on a stick?

The 88 cent Walmart test is no longer showing a line. The $ tree test is very faint, as is the FRER.

I am so ready for darker tests.

5dp6dt FMU FRERs

$ tree tests from the past several of days.

_______________

I joined a November FET group, and there are three other women who had FETs on the same day as me. Two of them got positive tests yesterday, and they are even darker today.

I can't help feeling like I'm on my way out. I know it's early. I know this. But, those women are getting lines. Shouldn't my lines be getting darker at this point?

Despair is creeping in, but I'm really trying to push it away.

I will POAS again this evening. Hopefully the line will be darker.

2 days until Beta!

4dp6dt

2011-11-22T19:04:00.001-05:00

Another day (practically) down. I am so anxious for Black Friday, and for nothing to do with shopping! I'm not even upset that I am working that day. I can't think of anything other than 8:00 a.m. on Friday = Beta.

I also want to mention here again that on transfer day, 4 days ago, I received an hCG booster shot. I finally got the dosage confirmed by my clinic. It was 600 units of hCG.

Trigger shots I've received in the past have been 10,000 units, and have lasted in my system for 8-12 days.

Given the above data, I feel pretty confident that by tomorrow morning the booster shot should be gone.

So, I guess tomorrow, there will be one of three things happening:

I will get stark white BFNs, and I will know the booster is long gone. I will try not to despair, and hope that a line comes back.
My lines will be darker, which will indicate that my body is starting to produce its own hCG.
My tests may look exactly the same. And I won't know shit.

Symptom check:

I woke up at 4:30 a.m. unable to go back to sleep without emptying my bladder. I NEVER have to get up in the middle of the night to pee. NEVER. So, this is odd.

Tonight I'm having some realllllly slight AF-like cramps. Not even cramps. Like pangs. This just started about 30 minutes ago, and I'm liking it.

Especially after having zero symptoms all day. I had pretty much given up earlier today. Funny how a couple little twinges is enough to give you your hope back!

Pee stick check:

I have peed on sticks twice today!

This morning, my $ tree and 88 cent Walmart test were lighter than yesterday's.

At lunch, I went out and purchased 2 boxes of 3-pack FRERs, and a box of EPT digis. So, for PM pee, I used a FRER, a $ tree, and an 88 cent test.

The PM Walmart test showed nothing. The PM $ tree test is lighter than this morning's. The FRER is beautiful, lol.

$ Tree tests. 600 unit hCG booster shot on day of transfer seems to be practically gone.


PM FRER

Obviously I'm really hoping the FRER tomorrow morning is darker...

3 days until Beta!

3dp6dt and Happy ICLW!

2011-11-21T10:48:00.001-05:00

Welcome ICLW'ers! For a quick recap of my babymaking history, check out my TTC Timeline page. But for a short summary, I am in the midst of my 1WW following a FET. Today is 3dp6dt, and we transferred one expanded blastocyst which had assisted hatching performed on it.

I sheduled my beta for Friday. Black Friday. Not a real pleasant sounding day for a beta, but whatever! Doctor's orders...

Symptom check:

Not much. Ok, last night I did have a little bit of a queasy feeling in my stomach, but that's it. And like I've mentioned in previous posts, I realize there is really no way to discern the cause of my symptoms (whether super early pregnancy, or because of the medication I'm on). I still want to list my symptoms, in case they may help someone else later, or help me later.

Here is a lack of usual symptom: my boobs are not sore at all. Typically by this time in a cycle, they start to get a bit sensitive. So far, I have none of that. Hmmm.

I still have the increased hunger, but I have now found that it is a side effect from the Dexamethasone, so forget that!

The increased urgency to pee is still around. I woke up at 2am and 4am reallllly wanting to pee, but held it until 6am. That was tough.

**Ok, I am editing this post to add that I'm feeling quite light headed this afternoon. I haven't taken any of my meds for the day yet, so I can't really blame them at this point. I'm just feeling a bit... off.

Pee stick check:

Well, today's $ store test appears lighter than yesterday's. And just to add (more) confusion to this whole mess, today's Walmart test appears to be darker than yesterday's. Here are the pics, taken within the time limit. I'm posting yesterday's below them, for comparison's sake.

4 days until Beta!

2dp6dt

2011-11-20T15:05:00.001-05:00

It has been about 52 hours since our expanded blastocyst was transferred to my uterus.

One thing I wanted to mention, as it had been awhile since I brought it up, is that Assisted Hatching was performed on this embryo. That makes me even more hopeful that he/she will decide to stick around!

Symptom check:

Well, nothing that I can definitely attribute to implantation or pregnancy at this point. I realize how hard (or impossible) it is to discern pregnancy symptoms from hormone-medication-symptoms at this point, but I thought I would go ahead and list any symptoms. That way I can look back at this later and perhaps learn something.

Last night I had some twinges happening. They were slight, but there. Was this dinner saying hello again, or something more?
The past two days I have been quite hungry. Like stomach-growling hungry. Maybe from the meds? Not sure.
Increased need to pee. Again, not sure if this is from meds or what. I usually have no issue with holding my bladder overnight, but last night I woke up at 2am reallllly wanting to pee. I held it so I could POAS with FMU, like a true soldier. My bladder woke me up again at 6:30 a.m. and that time I gave in.

_______________

So, I've never had an hCG shot in the ass before. All hCG trigger shots I've done have been subcutaneous. And 10,000 units of hCG. Well, the only information I received regarding the booster shot was that it was 0.6 mL, and I'm not sure that's an easy conversion. I don't know the concentration of hCG, so it's really hard to say.

But, I'm rambling. My point is that as I've never had a booster shot, let alone in the ass. I was surprised when it didn't really show up the following day on my pee sticks. I can expect a nice, dark line from Ovidrel, and this booster shot really has thrown me for a loop.

Today's pee sticks are darker than yesterday's. I'm assuming the shot in my ass needed a bit more time to travel to my blood stream...?? I know that it's too early for my body to start producing hCG yet, so that really is the only explanation I can come up with.

Here is a comparison pic of yesterday's test versus today's. Feel free to comment and let me know what you think!

_______________

4 1/2 days until beta!

FET #1

2011-11-19T08:47:00.001-05:00

My first ever IVF transfer was a success!

Our day started off with us enjoying our continental breakfast at Holiday Inn Express. It is just ok, as most free breakfasts are, but I'll take saving some money when I can! After checkout, we took the train from New Jersey in to the city, and then a subway to the clinic (aka Alderaan). It was a beautiful, brisk, sunny day in New York City. Perfect day for becoming pregnant!

We arrived at Alderaan 30 minutes early. This was by sheer accident, as you can never really predict the timeliness of public transportation. Especially that pesky train from NJ to Penn Station, which always seems to be going slower than normal for one reason or another!

After a little stint in the waiting room, I finally got called back. I had to sign a few papers, and then I got to see a photo of my baby! Here is his/her first photo:

He/she looks just like me! My expanded blastocyst baby.

After I changed into my sweet, pink gown, amazingly sexy blue hairnet and matching blue booties, I headed into the procedure room (looking as if I was ready to hit up the red carpet!!).

Alderaan has some fancy equipment. Especially versus my local, sad-excuse-for-an RE's office. The table that you get up on has some crazy leg stirrups! Not the kind you pop your feet into... you have to lift your legs up and put your thighs (right above the knee) into them. The table sits low, so you feel even more exposed than ever.

Once I was in the VJJ-exposure contraption, the embryologist came over to me and introduced himself (totally my ideal situation for meeting people, especially men, for the first time! "I'm Kara, and this is my vagina! Nice to meet you!"). He then told me that he feels like this will work because my embryos is a good-looking one! I know he really has no way of knowing if this will work, but I'll take those positive thoughts, thank you!

The doctor came in then, and told me what to expect. The embryologist moved to his corner station where his microscope was set up. On the wall in front of me, there is a flat screen monitor. I was able to see what the embryologist was doing at his station. I saw him squeeze the pipette that housed my embryo into a dish. He then zoomed in on the little tiny embryo, and I got to see a close-up on the screen. It was magical.

He then used another pipette or syringe to gather the embryo back up, and then handed it over to the doctor. By that time, there was already a speculum all up in me, and the doctor had "cleaned out the area." He had used an u/s wand to get a look at my uterus. Once he had the syringe with the embryo in it, he popped it (yes, scientific terminology here!) through the catheter and into my ute! Voila!

The doc then handed the syringe back to the embryologist, and I watched him expel the remaining fluid into the dish. He then said, "All clear!" Apparently my embryo made it out of the syringe! Success!

After the procedure, I headed to the recover room. I relaxed, meditated, and thought plenty of positive thoughts while sitting in a comfy recliner with my feet up. After about 40 minutes, the nurse came by to give me instructions, paperwork, and the photo of my baby. She also had a syringe with her.

The syringe was an hCG booster shot. I was totally not expecting this! My plans for testing and not having to worry about a trigger shot were foiled! But, I'm quite glad I got the booster shot. I've heard positive things about it, and it can't hurt, right?

So, the nurse shot me in the ass with hCG, I gathered up my belongings and headed out. After changed, I went out to the waiting room and showed Buster the photo of our baby. He looked like a proud papa!

After a 7 hour journey, we made it home last night. It was an exhausting and exhilarating day!

Even though I got the hCG booster shot, I am still going to continue on with my plan of POAS every day. This morning was no exception.

I peed on a Dollar Store test, as well as one of those new 88 cent tests from Walmart. The hCG booster shot I received was 0.6 ml, which I think is equal to 6,000 units, but I'm not certain. This morning, I got a faint line on the Dollar Store test, and nada on the Walmart test. I was quite surprised at this. Regardless, I will be monitoring these tests daily.

My beta is scheduled for Friday the 25th.

My pee sticks for your viewing pleasure (to clarify: 1 day past transfer & hCG trigger. The line on the $ tree test is the booster shot!):

Dollar Store test with a faint line, 1 day past transfer & hCG booster shot.

Walmart 88 cent test with nada, 1 day past transfer & hCG booster shot.

FET Tomorrow!

2011-11-17T15:01:00.001-05:00

My embryo transfer is tomorrow!

I am frantic today, trying to finish out my work day and remember what I need to pack...

We are leaving for NYC tonight, and will return home tomorrow after the transfer. It's a 6-hour drive, so tomorrow will be a loooong day (but incredibly worth it!).

I am taking my good headphones and my iPod so I can listen to my IVF Meditation track on the way home. Something about that English woman's voice is ridiculously calming.

Hope to update you all tomorrow! :)

Hormoney Granger and the Goblet of Prometrium

2011-11-16T14:02:00.001-05:00

Thank you, hormone supplements. I love crying at the drop of a hat. Who doesn't?

Yesterday, on my way to babysit (yes, I've picked up a second "job" in order to help pay for travel and treament! And for practice!), a song came on that reduced me to tears. The lyrics practically reached out and slapped me, they hit so close to home.

Hey Henry, can you hear me?

Let me see those eyes

This distance between us

Can seem a mountain size

Buster and I have known for years that our first choice for a boy's name is Henry. We agreed on it almost instantly, and in my mind I have pictured what my little Henry will look like.He is practically a real person to me.

(How crazy do I sound right now??)

So, hearing those lyrics obviously made me think of my future son. Of me singing that stanza to him someday. Or how applicable it is now, as there is a great distance between me and my frozen babies (one of which has to be a Henry, right?).

I debated on whether or not to explain this amazing coinicidence to my husband. You know as well as I that most men just don't get it. But, I have no one else I feel comfortable enough to explain this to (other than you all, of course!), so I attempted to relay the story and amazingness to him.

I got, "Hmm, I don't know what to say. I'm not a girl, babe. I don't know what it's like to have a bunch of hormones coursing through my body, and I just can't relate like you to that. But I love you very much!"

Cue more tears.

Sigh.

He did redeem himself by messaging me on Facebook minutes after this conversation to tell me how much he loves me, and to call me Hormoney Granger. So, thank you to Buster for my new nickname! Or the name of my future infertility-themed Harry Potter ripoff movie.

You would watch it, right??

________________________

And for your listening pleasure, The Decemberists with a live version of "Rise to Me":

Meds, hope, and laughter

2011-11-14T09:54:00.001-05:00

I had another round of blood work this morning. My clinic called and said that it is looking as though my transfer will be this Friday the 18th. I am to start Estrace (estradiol) and Prometrium (progesterone) suppositories tonight. I started Dexamethasone (steroid) yesterday. And I am to continue on with my baby aspirin.

___________

Hope, or lack thereof, is a constant theme in an infertile's life.

I have written a handful (or more) of posts centered around hope.

And this is yet another.

I have found myself a bit troubled recently. Everyone around me seems to be really excited for my upcoming embryo transfer. More excited than me.

I can't seem to get overly excited. I think I'm just trying to stay grounded. To protect myself.

After explaining that to a friend, she said, "Look at it this way: either way you will be devastated if it doesn't work, so why not be positive and hopeful?"

Touché!

So, I'm going to allow myself to get excited. Why the hell not, right?

___________

In other IVF-related news, I am planning to laugh a lot this weekend.

Many of you may have seen this story which describes a study in which laughter increased the chances of pregnancy for IVF patients.

It's only one study, so who knows the legitimacy of the claim.

But... hey, it can't hurt, right?

My new favorite obsession is The Big Bang Theory. Not sure why it took me years to finally watch this show. Well, actually, I do know. I was put off by Darlene and David (from Roseanne) being on a show together. That's been done! I didn't want to see it again.

Well, the skeptic in me has been shown the light. This show is hilarious. I love all of the video game references and just general nerdiness of the show.

Rarely do network TV comedies reduce me to fits of laughter. And I have HBO to thank for that (RIP Flight of the Conchords).

The Big Bang Theory has broken the trend, thankfully.

So today I purchased the first three seasons on DVD. I plan to laugh my ass off this weekend.

Infertile women of merit; or my reaction to a reaction

2011-11-09T15:08:00.002-05:00

Infertility hurts. I realize that this is not a news flash, but I'm putting out there that I know how much it hurts. How it completely and utterly rips you apart. Emotionally. Physically. It's damaging not only to your mental health, but to the relationships you hold most dear.

Like many infertiles, I cringe when I hear a pregnancy announcement. I rant and rave when that announcement is by a crackhead, a teenager, or someone who doesn't want a baby. Pregnancy announcements have left me in tears, they have left me angry, they have left me speechless.

When Michelle Duggar became pregnant with #19, my bitterness caused me to say some inappropriate things. After all, she already had 18 babies. I just want one. The Gods of Fertility are cruel, and I did not appreciate their sense of humor.

Fast-forward 18 months, and this time around I feel quite differently about the Duggar's latest pregnancy announcement for #20.

Have I matured as an infertile? Perhaps.

But more than that, I think I've really accepted my place in this world, as an infertile. 18 months ago, I thought that maybe I was just unlucky. I wasn't ready to label myself "infertile" quite yet. Today, however, I am not ashamed to say I'm infertile. Because, well, I am. This is me and my life, and I am doing my best to deal with it. Doing my best to come out in one piece on the other side. Baby in arms.

And because I have fully accepted my role as infertile, I hate to see other infertiles dragging our reputation and character through the mud. Yes, we all have bitterness, anger, and hurt due to the lot we've been dealt. Pregnancy announcements of any sort sting.

But resorting to juvenile name-calling and mud-slinging is beneath us, ladies. We are still women of merit, after all.

Don't let infertility turn you into someone you don't want to be; someone you wouldn't want your future children to emulate.

Here are some screenshots of my inspiration for this post. These are all posted on the 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility Facebook page's comment about Michelle Duggar:

And a few of the responses that have irritated me:

Well, I still hate my former RE

2011-11-08T13:48:00.000-05:00

This morning I had a monitoring appointment. In case you are new to my blog, or have forgotten, I go to my former RE's office for monitoring. He is the only RE in town, and even though I have to pay for the appointments, it's cheaper than flying or driving to NYC.

Recently my appointments have been going well. Little to no awkwardness and quick (minus the initial monitoring appointment, that is...). Just the way I like them!

Today, while waiting pantsless on the table for my doctor to enter the room, I had a daydream. I envisioned myself happily writing a thank-you note to my former RE's office, after I had given birth to my baby. In this note, I would thank them for their support during my IVF cycle at another clinic. I would mention that I know it was an atypical situation, but that I appreciate them working with me and helping to make my dreams come true. I would include a photo or birth announcement of my baby, and maybe they could add it to their wall of babies.

I always seem to jinx myself.

In walks my former RE, and the new doctor-in-training for the month. My lining was at 7-point-something, and I had a follicle on the left side. As they swung the dildo wand from left to right ovary, pain forced me to wince.

I never have pain during an ultrasound. Even with tons of follicles. Weird. I attributed it to my slightly-full bladder, but who knows if that really had anything to do with it.

I have a couple cysts leftover from last cycle. Perhaps that's where the pain came from? I'm not sure, but my former RE called them corpus luteum cysts.There was also a follicle on my right ovary, along with the cysts.

After the wanding, I got dressed and met my former RE and the doctor-in-training in the consultation room next door.

I sit patiently and nod my head as he goes over the details of last cycle and this cycle, noting important dates and/or information. When he was done, he said (with a hint of snarkiness), "Well, I guess they will do what they will do with this then." ("They" being Alderaan)

Hmm, ok. He's said things like that before, and I just try to let them come in one ear and out the other. I realize maybe he's a bit offended that I'm not doing IVF with him, but come on. Can he really blame me for taking advantage of free IVF treatment? We aren't all earning doctor's wages.

Since this consultation part was so short, I thought I would ask him a question. I'm entitled to ask him a question, right? I mean, I do pay real money for these monitoring appointments. It's not like he is monitoring me out of the kindness of his heart.

"In your IVF cycles with patients, do cysts like these prove problematic? Could it delay transfer?" I asked.

Insert foot into mouth, apparently.

After a brief scathing look, he abruptly says, "Well they do things differently. I can't even begin to tell you how they will proceed."

Oh, thanks for that, jerk off. That's not what I asked! I asked how you would handle the whole cyst thing. I didn't ask you to play clairvoyant here!

I stood up and stormed out in a huff, biting my tongue.

I wanted to say, "Oh, did that question irritate you? Sorry for that, but I do PAY you for these visits. You are still my doctor, are you not? Or at least a doctor that sees me. I apologize if my assuming that you might answer ONE question for me has unleashed all of your apparent pain and agony from me choosing to do IVF at a clinic where I will get $15,000+ of treatments for free. Asshole."

But, I didn't say any of that. The reason being that I might very well need to visit that horrid man once more prior to my frozen embryo transfer.

_________________

On a positive note, thank you all for your comments on yesterday's blog post! I really appreciate the book suggestions, as well as the quitting smoking suggestions! I will keep you posted on both fronts.

One book I read recently that I forgot to mention in yesterday's post is Dead Until Dark, the first in the Sookie Stackhouse series.

Ugh, bleh and meh!

I decided to give it a shot because I enjoy the show True Blood, which is based off of this book series. Unfortunately, this was just too Sookie-fied. She annoys me in the show, and reading a book written like she talks is horrifying. I got through it, but there were several instances of me rolling my eyes, and lots of complaining to Buster (poor guy!).

_________________

I think I am going to start doing a weekly TV Roundup post. I know several of you watch the shows I do, and a weekly TV post may facilitate some interesting conversation on these shows. I hope to start this soon!

_________________

And finally, please keep little Jasmine Elise Townsend in your thoughts. Last night's update from Naycee (Jasmine's mother) was:

"Jasmine is struggling still with this infection in her lungs and I am very scared. They are telling me that they are afraid that she is running out of time and I just feel so helpless. Lord God please have mercy and grace on my family and bring her a new heart. I need her and would give anything to see her smile again."

Please feel free to drop by her Facebook page or blog to show some support to her family. I know they could use it right now.

miscellany; and how time is at a standstill

2011-11-07T16:10:00.000-05:00

The majority of you reading this know how arduous the waiting can be when you are in the midst of TTC. So, I will spare you from having to read lengthy paragraphs about how tortured I am currently.

Just know that the time between egg retrieval (ER) and frozen embryo transfer (FET) is an eternity.

I have an appointment tomorrow morning for an ultrasound and blood work. My clinic will call me later in the afternoon to tell me the plan. Hopefully in ten days I will be heading to Alderaan for my first FET!

_______

So, Buster and I have had a deal made for years. Since the summer of 2007, to be exact.

When we first started getting to know one another, we sent lots of emails back and forth. At that time, I was doing graphic design for the local newspaper, and Buster was working midnight shift at a local research facility. Because our schedules conflicted, we relied heavily on email correspondence instead of phone calls.

In one of those early emails to me, Buster mentioned that he really hoped I would make him quit smoking. He loved the fact that I didn't smoke (I think his ex-gf must have?), and was hopeful that I would somehow use my womanly wiles to get him to give it up.

Unfortunately, my womanly wiles failed me (curse you, womanly wiles!), and almost 5 years later, he has that same pack-a-day habit.

But we made a deal sometime in the summer of 2007. You see, this is when we knew we would be together forever. Only a few months into our relationship, we were both certain that we belonged together. And the talk of future babies was one of our favorite topics (squeeeee, right?).

We made a deal that when I get pregnant, he will quit smoking.

Well, here we are, ten or so days away from me being pregnant. At least temporarily (well, I guess it's temporary either way... 9 months or way less, depending). And he knows what this means.

I think I am dreading this as much as him. He hasn't really talked about how he's dreading it. He has just acknowledged the fact that he is going to quit.

But me, I'm scared shitless. He has been smoking a pack-a-day since he was 14. He is 29.

Have you been around someone who is in desperate need of a cigarette? I have. Grumpy sounds pleasant compared to the nicotine-starved beast Buster can turn into, sans cigarette.

I really hope he can quit, though. Obviously his health is ridiculously important to me. My grandfather died from lung cancer, and I don't want that to be Buster's fate.

And we would save quite a bit of money ($1,875+) per year if he would quit.

And I wouldn't have to worry any longer if my clothes or hair or the inside of my car smelled like a stale cigarette.

I will be sure to keep you posted on his progress!

_______

I have been meaning to blog about the books I've recently read, and about the TV shows I'm currently watching, but I never get around to it. Today, however, I've decided to give you the lowdown on my current status regarding...

Books

I have mentioned this before, but will again in case you missed it: I'm a complete and utter lunatic when it comes to choosing a book to read. It is very difficult for me to take a leap and read a book.

First, I don't want to be disappointed. I only want to read good books. I realize I'm asking a lot here, but I don't care. I am so afraid of wasting my time on a bad book. So instead of trying lots of books out, I wait and wait and wait until I get the courage to try one. That "courage" usually comes after reading countless reviews online, and sometimes polling my friends.

Second, I want books in a series. I don't want to mess around with stand-alone books. I need to really get to know the characters, the world, everything. I want to fully immerse myself in this world. This is why I am so enamored by fantasy books.

After I finished A Dance with Dragons (the fifth book in the series A Song of Ice and Fire by George R.R. Martin), I was desperate for a new read. After some research, I purchased Gardens of the Moon, the first book in The Malazan Book of the Fallen series (a TEN book series!) by Steven Erikson.

Disappointed is an understatement in trying to describe my thoughts on the book. The writing style is odd, and I couldn't even get past the first chapter. Nothing there to hold my interest. And I don't think it helped Erikson's case that I was reading his book directly after reading all five in the series by GRRM.

Needless to say, my quest (I might as well use fantasy language, right?) for a new series continued.

Enter The Hunger Games. This isn't quite in the same vein as the fantasy I had been reading, but I opted to give it a shot based on stellar reviews from Amazon members and from friends. And it was part of a three-book series. And it was incredible.

I really enjoyed this series. I have two small complaints: 1) the books were too short! I prefer 1200 page tomes, and 2) I felt that the third book seemed rushed in parts. But overall, I would definitely recommend this series. And now I am excited for the movie that comes out next year!

So once again, I find myself in search of another series to read. While browsing on Amazon this weekend, I found a 99¢ fantasy book with pretty good reviews. I am about three chapters in to Taming Fire, the first (and only as of yet) in The Dragonprince Trilogy, by Aaron Pogue.

For 99¢, I'm quite pleased with the value of this book. It's enjoyable so far, and the character description is lovely. Hopefully Pogue is consistent, and the rest of this book is as good as the first three chapters.

Tricks, treats, and the end of a haunting.

2011-11-01T17:05:00.000-04:00

If the witch would have arrived last year on Halloween, you would have found me curled up in a ball, sobbing hysterically. Or just moping around depressed, muttering to myself. And truth be told, last Halloween my temperature dropped significantly (yes, I was still BBTing) and I knew the witch was bound to show.

And she did, two days later. Here's an excerpt from my blog post on November 2, 2010:

Well, I'm finding my mood getting increasingly bitter and depressed. I'm doing everything right, and my body just will not cooperate. I'm honestly not sure how many more CD1s I can face. It gets so exhausting standing up after being knocked down month after month. I know, it's only standing up, how hard can it be? And honestly (as many of you know), really fucking hard.

Depressing, right?

This year, I have a hard time remembering who that girl is. I know, I know. I'm not pregnant. But I have a lot of hope, and that is something that had really been missing from my life this time last year. Shit, who am I kidding? It's something that was missing for a steady period of about 10 months.

Maybe a hopeless 10 months doesn't sound that bad to you, but it was hell for me. I operate best when I have something to look forward to. It could be something small, but as long as it's there, I'm ok. 10 months of shitstorm and only a black abyss where hope used to be is a hard 10 months.

I digress.

This Halloween I was ecstatic at the witch's arrival. Not only does this mean I am that much closer to my embryo transfer, but who doesn't love a bit of irony?

I had blood work and an ultrasound done this morning. A bit ago I received the call from Alderaan stating that everything appears as it should, and we are on track for transfer in a couple of weeks! It's looking like a November 17 transfer. I will know if I'm pregnant or not by Thanksgiving.

________________

In other news, some of you may (most of you may not) remember the abandonment I felt when my former OBGYN mysteriously up and left her practice. I even had nightmares about it! I'm weird, I know.

The worst part of the whole thing is that I had no idea where she went or what happened to her! Googling her name online revealed that several other of her former patients were left wondering the exact same thing as myself.

Fast-forward a little over a year...

I heard a radio commercial announcing the grand opening of her own practice! I was flooded with such relief, and that feeling of peace that comes when you solve a mystery that has eluded you for some time.

Now, I just need to hurry up and get pregnant so I can visit her at the new practice.

Day 7 Embryo Report: The Final Update

2011-10-25T18:53:00.000-04:00

After waiting ALL DAY, I finally got my update at 4:25 p.m.

If you recall, yesterday we had 2 embryos make it to blast and get frozen.

Today's report, out of the 4 remaining embryos, 2 more made it to blastocyst!!

WE HAVE 4 SNOWBABIES!!

I am so incredibly happy. I know this is no guarantee of anything, but this will give us 4 FETs. I can't ask for much more!

Day 6 Embryo Report

2011-10-24T15:05:00.000-04:00

I called the clinic at 11:00 a.m. on the dot this morning. The embryologist who answered informed me that she did not have my updated chart yet.

"Hopefully this means they are busy with cryopreservation."

Yes, hopefully!

She told me to call back at 2. Longest three hours ever!

I called back at 1:57 p.m. No answer.

AHHHH!

I tried several more times over the next 20 minutes, and finally the embryologist answered.

Day 6 Embryo Report:

2 embryos made it to expanded blastocyst this morning, and were frozen. The embryologist said that these two pretty much skipped over blastocyst phase and headed straight into expanded blastocyst. One is graded B and the other B/C.
Of the 4 remaining, 3 are cavitating and one is compacting. The compacting embryo and one of the cavitating embryos did not show any growth from yesterday. However, two of the cavitating embryos did in fact show some growth. They will culture these until tomorrow morning, and hope to get another blast or two.

Overall I feel really pleased with this report! I HAVE TWO SNOWBABIES!!

Would I have liked to have more blastocysts by today? Well, sure. But I'm so thankful to have two, and there is always that chance I could get another one by tomorrow.

Thank you so much for your support! It is so appreciated.

Day 5 Embryo Report

2011-10-23T12:43:00.000-04:00

It's funny, this whole waiting for an update thing.

After yesterday's report, I felt so much more relaxed! That lasted all evening, and right up until this morning. Then, starting at 7:30 a.m., all I could think about were my embryos. And how noon could not get here fast enough. At 11:45 a.m., I started getting a bit panicky.

I called at noon, on the dot. No answer. Argh!

I called back at 12:04 p.m. An embryologist picked up. Phew.

So, without further adieu, here is my...

Day 5 Embryo Report:
3 embryos are cavitating
2 embryos are morulas
1 embryo is compacting

And 4 embryos (5-cell, 4-cell, and two 2-cells) were thrown out due to no growth.

Basically, I have 6 embryos that are just knocking on the blastocyst door. The compacting one is practically there already.

I'm hoping that as today progresses, some of those 6 will go ahead and "go blast" for me. I'm hopeful that I may have a couple snowbabies when I call for tomorrow's update.

The embryologist mentioned that all 6 are within normal range for Day 5.

I am just elated! I think this is great news, and I can now allow myself to relax. For 16 hours.

Come 6:00 a.m. tomorrow, the panic will once again set in, and I will be a wreck until I hear from the embryologist.

_________________

Thanks for the comments yesterday regarding the posting of my embryo reports! I'm glad they may help or interest some of you going through the same thing!

_________________

I have finally (mostly) finished the blog/website for Jasmine's Hopeful Heart. Stop by and take a look, or follow if you are feeling frisky!

Embryo Report: Day 3 and Day 4

2011-10-22T16:12:00.000-04:00

I'm not even sure if anyone cares to read this info, but I figure it might help people in the future who obsessively google looking for reassurance. Like me.

Day 3 Embryo Report:
2 embryos @ 8-cell
1 embryo @ 6-cell
4 embryos @ 4-cell
3 embryos @ 2-cell

The 2-cell embryos did not grow from Day 2 to Day 3. All of the embryos are graded B or C, which is average.

After this report, I became a bit worried. I obsessively googled, which only increased my anxiety. Several of my embryos are lagging behind, which scared me. I even had a nightmare last night, in which all of my embryos died. It was awful.

Today could not come fast enough.

Day 4 Embryo Report
All 10 embryos are still in culture, which means they are still growing! Great news!

2 embryos are compacted
1 embryo @ 8-cell
2 embryos @ 7-cell
2 embryos @ 5-cell
1 embryo @ 4-cell
2 embryos @ 2-cell

The two compacted embies are right on track! This elates me. The 8-cell and two 7-cell embryos are one day behind. They will culture the embryos for 7 days total, so I'm ok with them being a day behind. As long as they make it to blast, who cares, right??

The two 5-cell and one 4-cell embies are two days behind. The embryologist told me that they can sometimes lay dormant for a day, and then start progressing normally. I hope this is the case with these ones, and they catch up by Day 7.

The two 2-cell embryos... well, I'm giving up on them. They must have grown slightly from yesterday, but not enough to gain a whole cell. I'm assuming they are a lost cause at this point.

Overall, I'm quite pleased with this report. We have 2 that are looking great, and 3 that are looking quite good. I would be more than happy with 5 snowbabies!

I will be calling again tomorrow, and will update you all on the report. We might have some blasts by tomorrow...

Day 2 Embryo Report!

2011-10-20T14:56:00.003-04:00

It took every ounce of my strength to wait until 11:00 am to call the embryologist at Alderaan today.

Surprisingly, an embryologist answered the phone. I was expecting to have to leave a message.

Egg #11, who was immature when retrieved, never did mature. It had to be tossed. I expected this, and am ok with it.

All ten of our embryos are still in culture (which means they are still growing)! They are graded B & C, which is apparently average.

We have the following:

3 embryos @ 4-cell
2 embryos @ 3-cell
5 embryos @ 2-cell

I asked the embryologist if she thought that most of them would make it to day 5, and she said yes, considering they are all within normal range for day 2.

I can't wait for tomorrow's report!

4 1/2 + (11-1) = cloud 9

2011-10-19T14:11:00.000-04:00

Hi friends!

I'm sorry to have left you hanging for so long. It is impossibly difficult for me to type up a blog post on my phone. I was lucky enough to get to a computer for the last post, but that didn't happen again.

Buster and I had a wonderful 4 1/2 days in the city. We did some touristy things, such as hit up the American Museum of Natural History and Ellis Island. We also visited many wonderful restaurants. And shopped. Pretty much all you could hope to do in NYC!

View of lower Manhattan from the Statue of Liberty ferry ride.

My appointments were progressing quite well! Each day, the nurses and study coordinator seemed pleased with my progress and response. At one point, the study coordinator informed me that I'm only the second mini IVF clinical trial patient he's seen with so many follies!

Two days prior to egg retrieval, I had 14 follies. I was incredibly pleased with this, but still nervous about the actual retrieval. What if none of the follicles contained viable eggs?

I think the worrying and questions stems from my "unexplained" infertility. Since we don't really know what's wrong, I fear the worst in every scenario.

Because I had so many follicles, they recommended I do general anesthesia, instead of the typical local anesthesia that most mini IVF patients undergo. We had to pay $500 for it, but I think it was a worthwhile investment.

They got 11 eggs at the egg retrieval! ELEVEN!

I was (and still am) super excited about that number! On the paperwork they give us when we join the study, they anticipate 3-5 eggs, so yeah... I'm feeling pretty good!

And even better... I got a call from the embryologist today. Out of the 11 eggs retrieved, 10 were mature. All 10 were injected with Buster's sperm (ICSI), and all 10 fertilized!

I know that this in no way indicates that all 10 will be around on Day 5, but I'm just over the moon. I was so nervous that none would fertilize, or that all of my eggs would die. So many ridiculous scenarios run through your head during this IVF process.

So, for the next step...

They will let our little babies grow for 5 to 7 days. The ones that make it to blastocyst phase will be frozen. Then, on CD19 of next cycle, I will have my FET, where they will transfer one embryo.

The reason they do not do a fresh transfer with the mini IVF is because of all the Clomid I had to take. Since it has adverse affects on uterine lining, they like to play it safe and just wait until next cycle.

I can't wait for November.

the city sleeps

2011-10-16T08:07:00.000-04:00

It's a gray Sunday morning here in New York, New York. The city is quiet (at least in this neighborhood!). And it's nice.

The hustle and bustle of the city is taking a toll on Buster and I. We aren't used to it, and it can easily put us in a foul mood.

Yesterday, we visited the American Museum of Natural History.

It was great! We saw a show at their planetarium, and really, we could have left after that and I would have been happy. I had only been to a planetarium once in my life, and it was when I was a small child. I barely remember it, but I know I loved it.

This one was no different. It was wonderful.

The museum itself was quite crowded. TONS of strollers, threatening to run us over at any second. Lots of bobbing and weaving on our parts, trying to avoid crashing into people, or being crashed into.

After the museum, we headed back to our NYC home, which is in Gramercy Park. Both subway trains we had to take to get "home" were so jammed! I've never seen one that packed, and they are usually quite filled during the week with people going to work and whatnot.

It really gives claustrophobic new meaning.

But anyway...

How 'bout the good stuff?

Friday I had an appointment at the clinic. I had 5 to 9 follies sized 11-14. They are incredibly pleased with my response! My estrogen was 1100 something. Friday night, I did my last shot of Follistim. I am continuing with the Clomid until further notice.

I go back in today for another appointment. I can tell my follies have grown. A lot. My lower abdomen is aching. Tender to the touch. But, it's worth it!

They are estimating my egg retrieval to be on Tuesday.

I'm pretty disappointed with my packing for this trip. I really need some stretchy pants. Jeans are painful at this point! I guess I'll *have* to do some shopping while here in NYC... bummer! ;)

I will update more soon!

long-overdue updates!

2011-10-12T17:39:00.001-04:00

Ok, sorry it's taken me so long to update! The previous post about my monitoring appointment last Friday, well that has been half-written for days.

I've had a lot going on! We went out of town for the long weekend. I let my family stress me out, and we came home Monday. That day I was a hormonal basketcase. One minute I was happy, another I was pissed, and another I was emo.

I completely blame the Clomid.

Why not? I can, so I will!

Here is a breakdown of the meds I've taken so far:

Saturday: Clomid 50mg
Sunday: Clomid 50mg + Follistim 75iu
Monday: Clomid 50mg + Follistim 75iu
Tuesday: Clomid 50mg + Follistim 75iu
Wednesday: Clomid 50mg + Follistim 75iu
and I will do another day of Clomid 50mg + Follistim 75iu tomorrow as well.

Friday we are headed back to the big city! I have an appointment Friday morning for bloodwork and an ultrasound, and we will find out more about when exactly egg retrieval will happen. Right now they are estimating Monday or Tuesday.

Buster and I are both extremely excited! I will finally get to see Times Square at night. We are also tentatively planning a Statue of Liberty sightseeing adventure.

So that's that! Below here, I will post some really super exciting bloodwork results, in case anyone is interested in that crap!

_____________________

Monitoring appointment info:

FRIDAY

Everything quiet on the ultrasound front.
Estrogen - 93

TUESDAY

No u/s this day.
Estrogen - 500 something

WEDNESDAY

Uterine lining - 5.9mm
Right ovary had 13 follicles (3, 3, 4, 4, 4, 4.5, 7, 7, 7, 8, 9, 10.6, 12)
Left ovary had 17 follicles (3, 3, 4, 4.4, 4.7, 5, 5, 5, 5.5, 5.5, 6.3, 7, 7, 9.3, 10, 11.6, 13.3)
Estrogen - 930
FSH - 7
LH - 9
Progesterone - 0.9

monitoring + awkwardness

2011-10-12T17:09:00.000-04:00

I had my first monitoring appointment this past Friday. I was nervous, but I kept telling myself that it was going to be fine. This clinic does this all the time (monitoring appointments for patients who are seeking treatment elsewhere, that is).

The waiting room was packed. I had a hard time hiding the "Maybe all of you should just run on out of here and find a good doctor" look from my face, but hopefully no one picked up on it. Or hopefully they did. Either way...

When I checked in at the front desk, I handed them my lab order. This was on letterhead from Alderaan, and specified what bloodwork was to be done, as well as the ultrasound.

I got called back soon after for the bloodwork. Afterward, the nurse sent me on to that oh-so-familiar exam room 3. I strip down, hop up on the table, and wait. Nervously.

In walks my former RE.

"Did you have a nice break from me?" he asks, smiling.

Wow, he's pleasant! Jovial, even. Maybe this won't be awkward at all!

I ramble on about how it was a nice break from the medicine and treatment, that it can get overwhelming, blah blah blah. He then proceeds to tell me that his daughter is struggling with infertility, and now when he sees patients, he thinks of his daughter. This is a new development since I've been here last, I'm certain.

I think we are bonding...?!

The wanding took literally a minute and a half. Tops. When it was over, he says, "I'll see you next door."

Wait, what?

Next door is the consultation room. Where we talk about where we go from here. And I don't go anywhere from here with this clinic.

I get dressed and head on over, apprehensive.

I sit down, and my former RE starts going over my previous cycles, IUIs, meds, etc. The whole time, my thoughts are screaming at me, "Why is he doing this??? I have to tell him! I don't want to do this, this is going to be awkward!!!"

So, after he was done looking at all of my failed IUIs, he says, "Let's discuss our options."

Um, let's not.

I interject and explain to him why I'm there.

The mood in the room visibly changes.

He finishes up and sends me on my way.

I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

perspective: a rant

2011-10-06T10:30:00.000-04:00

I think it's sad when people die. Especially creative geniuses. (This is my preface...hoping to cover my ass a little).

I am already so incredibly tired of hearing about Steve Jobs. Yes, he was a visionary. Yes, a genius. He was so good at creating material things that the masses flocked to purchase.

I realize that it wasn't always like that, but that's what it is now. He worked hard to create the Apple empire, and I applaud that.

And maybe this is where I will come across as, well, bitchy. But...does every Facebook status update have to be "RIP Steve Jobs"? Does every news story have to be about him?

He wasn't a scientist. He wasn't creating life-saving technology. He made an iPod. iPhone. iPad. All those other stupid things with an "i" in the front.

They are TOYS. They are not necessary to human function. Sure, they make doing things convenient. Hell, I own an iPod and an Apple computer (it is nearly 10 years old, however. A relic.).

I guess what aggravates me the most is that there are REAL tragedies occurring right now. People you know are struggling. Friends of people you know.

YOU DIDN'T KNOW STEVE JOBS.

What this all comes down to is this:

I have posted the link to Jasmine's Hopeful Heart Facebook page multiple times on Facebook. I have given some brief details of little Jasmine's battle. Several of my friends have liked the page.

More of my friends have posted things like, "RIP Steve Jobs" last night and today.

Really?

A baby needs a heart. A baby who hasn't had a chance to build her billion dollar empire yet. Her parents aren't Steve Jobs. They can't just buy a new heart for her.

Maybe people see my post and then think something like,

"Why should I like that? It won't give that baby a new heart."

Well, no, it won't. Or will it?

Bringing attention to Jasmine's story is exactly the kind of thing that may in fact get her a new heart. The more "fans" of Jasmine's page on Facebook, the more people that can potentially learn about her story. The more people that know, the greater chances of her receiving a private donation heart.

Not only does that simple "like" bring awareness to Jasmine's story, but to organ donation as a whole. Organ donation is a way to save a life. And there aren't enough donors.

A major Las Vegas news channel is coming to interview Jasmine's mom and will do a story on Jasmine. This is huge! This ONE news story may help Jasmine get the heart she needs so that she may LIVE.

But for the next couple of days, let's clog the newsfeeds and TV broadcasts with the story of Steve Jobs.

I just don't get it.

Updated countdown and unfortunate eliminations

2011-10-03T09:58:00.000-04:00

Only 2 birth control pills left to take! These past two weeks have gone by pretty quickly, and I am quite thankful for that. Bring on the Clomid!

But enough of that pesky IVF-related talk! Let's move on to the important topics...
(spoiler alert, in case you haven't seen the most recent episodes!)

Project Runway

Thursday night's elimination did not surprise me, but still left me feeling disappointed. I think it's because I'm just so ready for Josh to go home. I think his clothes are atrocious and his attitude is incredibly poor. I fully expect him to be eliminated next challenge.

Anya was, once again, impressive. I think she's got this competition in the bag. The only person who will give her a run for her money is Viktor.

Viktor's attitude is starting to wear on me. I watched some clips of him and Anthony Ryan bickering and it was just annoying.

I also cannot believe that Bert is still in this!

But, on to a bigger disappointment...

The Amazing Race

I was so excited last week, when I "discovered" The Amazing Race. I knew about the show, I've seen commercials, but I had never watched it.

Last week I was enthralled! The main reason I tuned in is because two former Survivor winners were competing: Ethan & Jenna. Ethan battled and defeated cancer. Through it all, him and Jenna donated money to wonderful causes worldwide.

Fast-forward to this week: they are eliminated.

I'm so annoyed at this show! If they would have eliminated "Ma and Pa" last week, instead of not eliminating anyone, Ethan and Jenna would still be on the show.

I still like the show. I will still watch. But I am disappointed.

I'm pulling for the snowboarding/stoner dudes. They make me laugh.

Projectile vomit

2011-09-29T11:41:00.000-04:00

And no, I'm not referring to my gut reaction when I see that annoying status update on Facebook. You know, the "proud momma" copy & paste one.

No, I'm talking about real projectile vomit.

How about some background first, though?

Buster is in a dart league. His teammates include my brother, father, brother-in-law, and Buster's cousin. They meet on Tuesday nights at the bar that sponsors whichever team they are playing.

This past Tuesday, their match was at a local brewing company/bar/restaurant. I drove Buster and my brother down there. I wanted to partake in some delicious beer cheese soup. After about an hour, I headed home. I was their designated driver, and would be picking them back up later.

Buster insists that he is better at darts when he is drinking. I don't mind that he has some beers on Tuesday nights, as him and I don't drink that often. And we rarely spend time apart, so I think it's good for him to unwind with the boys.

I get the "come pick us up" text at 10:30. Buster and my brother are both at least buzzed, and maybe drunk. Turns out Buster was drinking some really dark beer all night. Lovely!

After we get home, we watch the season premier of Workaholics (love that show!). I fix Buster a bagel and he has a Coke. When we head to bed, he has the spins. So, he gets up and goes to the computer for a bit, hoping that his spins will go away.

He finally comes to bed, and we sleep pretty well for about 4 hours.

Then, I wake up to him moaning and grunting about having a headache. This was 4:30 a.m. I stumble out of bed and get him some Advil and water. I attempt to fall back asleep.

At about 5:30, I hear him moaning again, and then, "I'm gonna throw up".

He struggles to get out of the tangled sheets, and goes to open the door to the bathroom. As he's reaching for the knob, I hear the dreadful sound of someone vomiting. He rushes in to the bathroom and finishes puking his guts up.

I get up, turn on the light. Oh, the devastation.

Buster projectile vomited all over the DOOR. There is a mirror on the back of the door, so not only did I have to see the puke on the door, I also got to see it in the mirror's reflection. Chunks of french fries and bagels all over the door/mirror/door knob. Dripping down onto the carpet.

Luckily I have a strong stomach.

Buster was incredibly apologetic. I know he felt really bad. But I wasn't mad at him. I know he would do it for me in a heartbeat.

We've laughed a lot about it since.

Lesson learned: on dart league nights, leave the bathroom door open.

Excitement and apprehension

2011-09-27T14:08:00.000-04:00

Obviously I am more than excited regarding my upcoming IVF cycle.

However, there is one thing right now that is weighing on my mind. And no, it's nothing earth-shattering or jaw-dropping. It might even be completely inconsequential. But, it's still there.

I made my first "local monitoring" appointment at my former RE's office. It is scheduled for next Friday.

There is a HUGE part of me that is incredibly excited, because this is the beginning of the next step. And I can't wait for the next step.

When speaking with the receptionist at my former clinic, I asked her who I would be seeing for my ultrasound. She responded with the name of my former RE.

Cue heart dropping into my stomach.

I realize I'm being a baby. I realize that people move on from clinics and to new doctors all the time.

But... do they have to face their former RE again? Naked from waist-down, vulnerable, and hoping that there are no hard feelings?

I'm having irrational thoughts of sabotage on the part of my former RE/clinic. This is crazy, I know. And I'm kind of crazy right now. I'm taking hormones, FFS! I HAVE AN EXCUSE!

Ahem.

Ok, enough of my neurosis.

There is another doctor at my former clinic, and I could see him instead. But, he's young. Inexperienced. Douchey, even. I guess I'd rather face an awkward 15 minutes with my former RE, who is older and wiser (??) than risk it with the young doc.

I'm contemplating not even publishing this post, because I know I really sound like a lunatic at this point.

Can't wait for the 10 days of Clomid...

__________________________________

So, as you have gathered by now, I like reality TV "game shows". I like to think there is a distinct difference between the competition shows and the ones that follow around a bunch of idiotic bimbos (yes, bimbos! I'm now 80 years old, and use words like bimbo), who are famous only because their parents are rich or because they married a professional athlete.

I especially love the reality shows where something has to be created (Project Runway, Face Off, Chopped, etc).

But to the point: Buster and I have started watching the new season of The Amazing Race. First time I've seen this show, and I LOVE it! I have no idea what took me so long to give it a try. Especially considering my obsession with Survivor.

The biggest factor in me wanting to watch it is that two former Survivor winners are competing: Ethan and Jenna. I like both of them very much, and I hope they win. They seem like good people.

Any other fans of The Amazing Race out there?

IVF on planet Alderaan

2011-09-25T10:37:00.000-04:00

So yes, we are in the study! But you know this already.

I am currently in the midst of taking birth control pills for two weeks. At the end of those two weeks, I will go to my former RE's office for a monitoring appointment. They will do an ultrasound and bloodwork, and then fax it to my clinic in NYC.

Before we go any further, I want to give my new clinic a nickname. From henceforth, my new clinic in NYC will be known as Alderaan. The clinic's real name makes me think of Star Wars every time I hear it, so why not embrace my nerdiness and just go for a Star Wars theme?

So, back to a detailed timeline. After Alderaan receives the fax detailing my status, they will call me and let me know if I should start my Clomid. I do not know what dosage of Clomid I will be using yet, but I know that I will be taking it for about 10 days. During those 10 days, I will have several days of Follistim injections as well. And more monitoring appointments locally.

I will head back to NYC in the middle of October for egg retrieval. Embryo transfer will take place the following cycle, in which they will only transfer one embryo. The reason for only transferring one embryo is because I drew the Mini IVF arm. In the conventional arm, they transfer two.

That right there is the only reason that I'm a *tad* disappointed. I've been dreaming of twins for the longest time, and even more so once I started fertility treatments. There is just an allure to having two, and then not dealing with infertility ever again.

I realize that might make me sound selfish, but really... come on. I've gone through 4+ years of misery, I'm allowed one selfish wish, right?

Could I be happy with one baby? Of course! I would be beside myself. I'm not sure if our family would be complete at that point, however. But no need to stress about that now. We will cross that bridge when we come to it.

For now, I'm enjoying the start of this IVF cycle. This is all new to me, and incredibly exciting. And I'm totally expecting it to work, which is probably a recipe for disaster! I just can't help myself.

____________________________

While in NYC last Wednesday, I spent some time in Central Park. Probably an hour and a half. I read my Kindle and people-watched. Here is a photo I took:

Being a "country girl" (in quotes because I don't feel much like a country girl...), I was unimpressed with Central Park as a whole. I can understand the appeal, however, if you live in the concrete jungle. It smelled like piss and shit, but was at least a little peaceful. Oh, and to clarify: human piss and dog shit. Wonderful combo, right??

____________________________

On the Project Runway front (spoilers ahead, in case you missed last week's episode!), I was quite sad to see my favorite antisocial robot (Olivier) go home. I knew this was coming, unfortunately, but it still left me disappointed.

Honestly, I didn't really like any of the looks they produced for that band. I'll be happy for them to get back to designing for the models again. I just like womenswear better. Does that make me sexist??

I guess I'm pulling for Anya to win at this point. I don't mind Viktor either.Who do you want to see win?

Also, did any of you catch the commercial for Project Runway All Stars? I'm so pumped for that to start! I'll be pulling for Mondo and April for sure!

well...

2011-09-21T17:40:00.000-04:00

We're in!

And we couldn't be happier!

A longer, detailed post to follow on another day. But for now, the short of it:

We have been accepted into the study.
I drew the Mini IVF arm of the study.
I start BCP tonight. (TONIGHT!)
Egg retrieval is tentatively believed to be around the 18th of October.
Embryo transfer will be on CD19 of the following cycle (this is protocol with the Mini arm, due to 10 days on Clomid and thin lining issues).

So, I could in fact be pregnant by December. Or just really devastated. But I'm aiming for pregnant.

unimaginable

2011-09-19T15:52:00.000-04:00

Buster and I had a conversation last night about hope. He hates when I get my hopes up, only to have them dashed. I hate it too, honestly.

But my head is in the clouds most of the time. I'm a dreamer. I'm not logical. And it's never done anything good for me.

Spending years trying to get pregnant has really put a halt to my incessant wishing and hoping and dreaming. It's sad, really.

But is it?

Buster thinks it's good that now I'm a bit more grounded. That I don't get my hopes up so easily when it comes to getting pregnant. Shit, my hopes haven't been up in regards to getting pregnant for about 6 months. I'm done fooling myself.

I'm ~~a little~~ sad that I can't have unabashed hope and excitement anymore. It's not fair that I can't experience that. So many women get to experience these emotions when family planning. Alas, I am in the minority.

I can't even picture myself pregnant. I used to be able to. I used to enjoy daydreaming about my pregnancy, about my babies. My imagination is shot, however. Overused. I've put too many miles on it, and it's now rusted and rotting.

Some days it really feels like it will never happen, and that I will live out the remainder of my days childless. It's easier for me to picture it that way. My imagination doesn't have to work too hard.

the sky trades the moon for the sun

2011-09-16T11:06:00.001-04:00

So, my next appointment in NYC is steadily approaching.

(As I type that, I realize I need to update the sidebar "about me" section... no longer am I "steadily approaching 30"...)

Anyway, this coming Wednesday I will be traveling to and from NYC. I hope to choose my study arm that day, and officially be accepted into the trial.

I've been attempting to tie up all loose ends prior to this next visit. The study coordinator gave me some "homework", which basically entailed me calling my insurance to find out about meds coverage, and to call around about local monitoring.

I contacted my insurance last week regarding the medicine. You can't (or maybe you can!) imagine my relief when I found out my medicine would be covered! Well, 80% of it. But still... phew. I'm probably looking at $500 max out of pocket for meds, which is thrilling. Hopefully I'm not jinxing myself here. My luck, I will be a poor responder and will have to take double the medicine!

Today I contacted my former RE's office to find out about monitoring. Now, if you've been a follower of mine for a while, you'll know of my horrific experiences at my former RE's office.

Needless to say, I'm not really looking forward to the possibility of going back to that office. However, if my only choices are that or buy a plane ticket to NYC to be monitored there, I need to choose the most affordable and logical option.

So, I spoke with the IVF coordinator at the former RE's office, and yes, they can do my monitoring. It sounds like they do this often. Not surprising to me, really. No shocker that former patients of my RE would prefer to go elsewhere for IVF, given his bizarre bedside manner and the army of unimpressive residents.

I'm hoping that one of the wonderful nurses at my former RE's office will be doing the ultrasounds, rather than a doctor. But, I won't find out for a couple more weeks, at least.

Assuming I get into the study, that is.

__________________

I know I have a couple readers who watch Project Runway, right? What did you think of last night's episode?

**SPOILER POTENTIAL**

I really think that Victor should have won! And that opinion may be a tad biased, because I am not a fan of Josh and his bullying ways. But, Victor's look was fabulous! I think the over-accessorizing really hurt him. I say he wins if he didn't have the model wear those sunglasses. I think that killed it.

I'm also ready for Burt to go home. His clothes are just blah. Sometimes he churns out a decent looking piece, but last night's was soooo boring. And looked like it could be purchased at Sears or JC Penney around Christmas time. Perfect for that year-end holiday party.

And Anthony Ryan's design.... blech.

Ug-ly. I got nervous when he picked up the polka-dot fabric, but I think it could have made a definite improvement on this look.

Also, I felt soooo horrified for Olivier. I know at least one of you is creeped out by Olivier and his accent (lol, I was meaning to look up his bio!), but I like him. You can tell he is lost in his head, and I think that's an unfortunate attribute that is common among amazing artists.

The woman he was working with was horrible. She belongs on one of those "Real Housewives of where-ever-the-fuck" shows. I've never watched one of those shows, but I've seen photos of the women on them. She seems like she could fit in.

It annoyed me how she referenced Gucci when trying to tell Olivier how to do the belt. First, I'm sure no designer wants to channel a super popular, high-end brand. I'd imagine Olivier wants to be original and do what he wants, not channel Gucci! Idiot!

And last thing... how 'bout Heidi's skirt? Or lack there of?! I mean, she can definitely pull it off. I laughed when Michael Kors made a joke about it, though. Buster's eyes practically popped out of his head when he saw her hit the runway in that mini! But hey, whatever gets him to watch it is fine by me!

__________________

The Avett Brothers: Left on Laura, Left on Lisa

broken-hearted

2011-09-15T09:56:00.000-04:00

It never ceases to amaze me how much I cherish the friendships I have forged while battling infertility. Through TTC/IF forums and blogging, I have met some amazing women. Women that I call best friends, who I feel closer to than people I have known my whole life.

About a year and a half ago, I joined a "buddy group" on my favorite forum. I am so thankful that I happened upon that group, and that these women are in my life.

Of course, the majority of them have gone on to have babies. And that's to be expected in any circle of friends, I suppose. I've supported them through their pregnancies, births, and now as they are mothers. And they have supported me, through all of my ups and downs (mostly downs, unfortunately!).

But now there is a call to arms for support like none I've encountered before.

Jasmine, the beautiful 4-month-old daughter of one my dear friends, has been diagnosed with dialated cardiomyopathy (DCM). Basically, her poor little heart is enlarged and weakened, and cannot function properly.

She was diagnosed with DCM at the age of 3 months, after an initial misdiagnosis of an ear infection. Yep, an ear infection. Unbelievable, right? She has since been placed on the organ donor list, awaiting a new heart.

Jasmine's mother, Naycee, has had to take leave from her job to care for Jasmine. The hospitals in their hometown, Las Vegas, recommended transferring Jasmine out of state. She has now been moved to California, and Naycee is by her side every chance she gets.

Naycee's husband and their two older children remain in Vegas, as the kids are in school. They come visit on the weekends and when they get the chance, but it's really taking a toll on them.

Naycee has started a Facebook page for Jasmine, called Jasmine's Hopeful Heart. If you would, please take a second of your time to "like" this page. Naycee is hoping to drum up a buzz around little Jasmine, and the more "likes" on her Facebook page, the better.

Newspapers, radio and television stations have been contacted. Organ donation is a sensitive subject, especially when you are on the "needing" end of it. And although another family will have to suffer an unspeakable tragedy in order for Jasmine to get a new heart, this is Jasmine's only chance.

Private donation is also an option, if the right scenario materializes. But for now, precious little Jasmine is on the donor list, and is staying strong.

She had to be re-intubated the other day, and it breaks my heart to see photos of this little princess with tubes everywhere. She is such a strong girl, though, and how could she not be? Her mother is one of the strongest women I know, not to mention an amazing mother and wonderful friend.

Please take a second of your time to "like" Jasmine's Hopeful Heart page, and to pass it on to your friends. I appreciate it, and I know Naycee does, too.

Here in your (study) arms

2011-09-11T14:45:00.001-04:00

Because I've gotten a couple questions regarding the two arms of the IVF clinical trial, I thought I would give some detail about them.

Arm A: Mini IVF

This arm consists of BCP + Clomid + 3 days of injects + Estrace + Prometrium. After ER and fertilization, they will freeze the embryos. The following cycle, they will do a FET, transferring one embryo.

Arm B: Conventional IVF

This arm consists of Lupron + Follistim/Menopur + PIO. After ER and fertilization, they will transfer 2 embryos that same cycle, and freeze the remaining.

Perks offered by both arms:

Free embryo freezing and storage.
If your first transfer does not result in a pregnancy, they will continue doing the transfers until either a) you run out of embryos, or b) 6 months passes.
Both arms will benefit from having ICSI and Assisted Hatching.

I have noticed that sometimes it happens where they end up freezing the embies in the conventional arm, and do a FET the following cycle. This seems to happen most often when the patient is overstimulated or hormone levels are wonky. They want the best environment for the embies.

As I have mentioned previously, I am sort of hoping to pull Arm B, as I'd love to have two embies transferred. But, I'd be incredibly happy and thankful for whichever arm I draw.

_____________

Also, if anyone is interested in getting into the clinical trial, the website is: http://ivfclinicaltrial.com/

_____________

Artist: Hellogoodbye
Song: Here in your arms

NYC, and what it feels like to have hope again

2011-09-09T10:34:00.000-04:00

Our appointment day started out EARLY. We left our small city (large town??) at 2:30 a.m. to head to the closest international airport. Our flight left Pittsburgh at 5:30 a.m. *yawn*

We arrived in a rainy, gray NYC at 7:00 a.m. Then, thanks to the handy TripPlanner on mta.info, we successfully utilized public transportation to get to the clinic. First, we took a bus. Then a subway. This cost us a whopping $5 each. Hello, thriftiness! We could have taken a taxi from the airport to the clinic, but that would have cost us $50 at least.

This was my first time on a public bus in any city, let alone New York. It was definitely an interesting experience. Buster scolded me once on the bus ride, saying that I was acting too "touristy". Really, I was acting too neurotic. I kept checking my print out of what stop we needed to get off at. I didn't want to miss it! But, my neurosis can definitely be annoying, so I don't blame him.

But anyway, we finally arrive at the clinic. An hour and a half early. But due to the combination of the dreary weather outside and the fact that we were in a new place, we decided to just hang out in the waiting room until our appointment. Buster actually napped in the corner, while I played on my new phone (HTC Evo 4G! Yes please!).

After about two hours, we were called back. We met with the study coordinator, who explained the study to us (all of which I already knew from my research). He explained the two different arms of the study (conventional IVF and mini IVF), and went over a fair amount of paperwork with us. We then signed all of said paperwork.

We briefly went over our medical history, discussed the pre-IVF screening tests I had done, and then Buster and I headed back out to the waiting room. Another hour passed or so, and we both got called back for our different tests. I had blood drawn and an ultrasound. Buster had a semen analysis.

This clinic is really quite modern and sleek.

The clinic's waiting room. Yes, that's a big fish tank by the window.

So, it's not surprising that, according to Buster, the "collection room" was on a whole different level than the one at our former RE's office. At the former RE, there was a small room with a broken 13" TV with a VCR, and some old magazines that focused mainly on boobs.

But this is NYC! He was ushered into a room with a large flat screen TV, with several video options to hasten the process. We are impressed by the little things, can't you tell??

After we had our testing, the study coordinator told us to take 20 minutes and go grab a bite to eat or a coffee, then come back so we can review the results of the tests. 20 minutes didn't seem like too much time, so instead of wandering aimlessly about Manhattan, we decided just to stay put and wait.

In retrospect, I wish we would have gone out. We didn't get called back for another two hours. I expected to be at the clinic all day, and really, we had no where else to go, so I wasn't upset. Buster even snuck in a couple more cat naps.

When they finally did call us back, the study coordinator went over our results. My blood work was great, my ultrasound showed 8 small follicles on my right ovary and 6 on my left, with a 15mm follicle on my left as well (on CD7??!! What the...?). They were pleased with these numbers, as they like to see at least 8 small follicles total. Buster's semen analysis results were wonderful! High count, great motility and all that jazz.

So, everything looked great for us to be accepted into the study! Next step is that I need to return to the clinic on CD21 so they can confirm ovulation by ultrasound. Once they confirm O, I will choose a randomized envelope that will contain the name of the study arm I will be assigned. They will also give me some meds so I can get started (either BCP or Lupron, depending on the arm I draw).

I've already booked my plane ticket for my next trip, and it was even cheaper than this last ticket! $130 including taxes! Buster will not be going with me this time, but I feel pretty confident that I won't have any issues getting to the clinic or finding my way around. If I do get lost, I'll have GPS on my phone, and can hopefully find my way.

____________

After we left the clinic, we had several hours to kill prior to our departing flight. I pulled up Google maps on my phone to see what restaurants were nearby and check the reviews. We saw one that sounded good, but when we got there, it was just a tiny little place with a tiny little bar to sit at with 3 seats. Not really what we were hoping for.

We kept walking, and stumbled upon this little Irish restaurant called Kennedy's. It was great! The atmosphere was perfect, and the food was delicious and affordable. I'm so happy we found it. I definitely will be returning. The French Onion soup was amazing, as was the Shepherd's Pie!

The dining room at Kennedy's. The Irish decorations (wreaths, lights) weren't up while we were there, but still a great atmosphere!

Shepherd's Pie!

____________

Last night, during a commercial break on Project Runway (Yay Anya!! And boo @ Josh... so tired of him and his domineering ways!), Buster and I were talking about how when we have a baby, Kelsey is going to have a new favorite seat: under the high chair! Kelsey will love following around our child, eating any food that drops from his or her mouth/hands/plate, etc.

After we talked about this for a few minutes, I had a realization.

I have hope again.

We haven't had ANY discussions recently about "when we have babies..." etc. All of that talk stopped after our last failed IUI in April. We have had no hope since then. And it's not even something that I really noticed.

But last night, I experienced some feelings that I hadn't for months and months: hope and excitement. When I mentioned this to Buster, he gently reminded me not to get my hopes up, because we never know what could happen with this trial.

And I know what can happen. I know there are so many things that could go wrong.

But I also know that I am going to relish the feeling of having hope again. I love it. It makes me feel human again, not like some jaded, infertile robot. Regardless if we get pregnant in this study or not, I am going to live in the moment. And right now, that moment is full of hope.

And I couldn't be happier.

Also...

2011-09-06T15:53:00.000-04:00

The MetroCard makes me anxious. Not the card itself, necessarily, but the whole swiping of it.

Buster and I ventured to NYC a year and a half ago, and that was my first time. I used a MetroCard then, but it did take me a couple attempts to get a proper swipe. I get so flustered in situations that are new to me, especially when there is a mob of people behind me!

Hope it goes well...

If you hear about the poor country girl who was trampled to death because her swiping skills were sub par, light a candle in my memory, k?

:D

Oh, and I guess I'm not really a country girl, but I'm assuming that anyone from WV sounds like a country girl to someone in NYC.

A big bag in the big apple

2011-09-06T14:26:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is the big day!

We are heading to NYC to our appointment at the clinic for the IVF clinical trial. This will be the first step on our way to being accepted into the trial, which would provide us with free treatment (including ICSI and assisted hatching!). We will be responsible for our medications and travel to the clinic.

So we leave tonight at 2:30 a.m. I know that is technically tomorrow morning, but it sounds like the middle of the night to me!

I'm trying to be well-prepared. Here is where my new Hype bag comes in:

Mine looks the same as that above, only dark purple. Nice, right? There are 3 main pockets: the center one, where all the important stuff goes; and two on either side, that are GIANT. They are the whole depth of the bag, much like the center cavity, but just thinner. Perfect for medical records. No folding necessary.

Also, I'm going to have to pack some snacks for Buster. And the Kindle. And my phone charger. And who knows what else. But I definitely need snacks.

I have to go into this assuming that probably by mid-day, Buster will be cranky. It's going to be a looooong day and night. So, snacks are a must. Snacks, smokes, and A Feast for Crows should keep him entertained. I hope.

_________________________

(Nerd alert! Read at your own caution!)

Speaking of books... I have finished the series I was reading (A Song of Ice and Fire by George R.R. Martin). More books are promised, but who knows when they will be published! So, it is officially time to move on.

Choosing a book is really difficult for me. I put a lot of time and research into it, and I still rarely make a move. I'm so scared to be disappointed. I know that is really stupid reasoning, but I just can't help it!

I've realized I'm a big fan of series (series'? serieses??? series's?). I like having multiple books in order to establish tons of details. I like complicated plots and casts of characters. A Song of Ice and Fire was all of that, and it was brilliant.

So with my most recent research, I bit the bullet. I bought a new book.

It's the first of a TEN book series. Yes, TEN! I'm so excited! I hope I love it. I tried to read the other night, but wasn't quite in the mood. I hope I like it better than I was liking the first couple of paragraphs... I think I've just really grown accustomed to the way GRRM writes, and Erikson's writing may take some getting used to.

Has anyone else read this series??

thwarted by luck and chance, those wreckers of all but the best laid plans

2011-09-02T13:45:00.000-04:00

AF is surely the devil. She's red. Angry. Unpredictable. Messy. Those are all evil qualities, right?

Oh AF, you dirty, bloody bitch.

Well, she did her best to thwart my plans. She arrived two days early, making my last cycle 27 days. This would have put my initial consultation visit at the NYC clinic on CD7, when it was supposed to have been CD2-5.

I had already booked my plane tickets (through Expedia). Changing my flight would have cost me $150 per ticket. Looking at the prices of flights, I would basically be spending an extra $1,000, on top of the $300 I had already spent on tickets. Needless to say, this did not please Buster.

Some fighting ensued, and I came to realize that perhaps I should have just planned to drive all along. Driving isn't the most convenient, but it makes the most sense when unpredictable AF is dictating your plans.

I called the clinic the next morning (Thursday). The study coordinator asked if I could come in the next day for my blood work.

Um... yeah. That's not gonna work so well...

My next option was to have my blood work done locally and keep my upcoming appointment. This option sounded MUCH better. I was beyond relieved.

So this morning, I had my CD3 blood work done, and they assured me it would be at the clinic by the time of my appointment.

I also (finally) received my lab results from my pre-IVF screening, and everything is normal and ok! Another hurdle cleared.

I am getting more and more excited for my upcoming appointment. I know there is a chance that we will not be accepted into the study, but I think the odds are in our favor here (which is bizarre, because the odds never seem to be in our favor!).

____________________

Yes, the title of this post is a Voldemort quote. I know you were wondering.

____________________

Is anyone else watching Project Runway this season? I'm really enjoying it (but that's no surprise!). I'm not quite sure who I'm rooting for to win. I'm a fan of Anya, I know that. And Olivier. I really like Olivier, actually. I wish he would smile just once, though.

____________________

My friend Lisa over at The Pursuit of Pregnancy is auctioning off some TTC and baby-related items to help fund her upcoming plans to go the route of surrogacy. Stop by and see if there is anything you could use!

____________________

One last thought before I end this. What is up with this website gothise.com?? I had never heard of it, but recently it has been bringing a lot of viewers to my blog. I went to the site, and it wanted me to sign up and join, which I don't want to do. Any other bloggers notice an increase in viewers coming from that site? If you are a reader who made it here from gothise.com, can you give me some insight?

here i was fated to reside

2011-08-30T14:25:00.000-04:00

Just when you think you've escaped the incessant reminders of your inability to reproduce...

We had an all-employee meeting at work today. All the people from the corporate office traipse down to our site and talk about the different contracts my company is involved in, as well as other ongoing efforts to make money, drum up business, etc.

After the first hour of contract and project management talk, they then turn to the topic of their new ultrasound facility. Oh, joy!

For the next 30 minutes, we look at 3D ultrasound photos. The president of my company goes on to say that there are four things that will never change in this world:

people will die
um, I can't remember this one...
girls will get pregnant
and people will have issues affording healthcare

Oh those damn girls getting pregnant!

I can't tell you how ~~enjoyable~~ nauseating it was for those ultrasound photos to be shoved down my throat, once again.

But, I can take a little solace in the fact that someday, if and when I get pregnant, I will be able to have free ultrasounds there. I sure hope to really appreciate that, one of these days.

_________

In other news, I am anxious and semi-excited for my upcoming doctor's appointment in NYC. 8 days away!

I have tried repeatedly calling my OBGYN's office, in hopes of getting some idea of when to expect the results of my IVF pre-screening tests. I would really like to take them with me next Wednesday. Everything I have heard about this new clinic (where the trial takes place) makes me think I need to be extra diligent in getting my records to them. They are a super-busy clinic, and faxed records have a tendency to get lost.

This also means that one of these upcoming evenings, I get to spend my time going through the novel which is my medical records from my RE's office. These are not fun times to relive. Trust me.

Speaking of reliving things....

I often check the stats on my blog, to see where my readers are coming from, and what google searches led people here.

I noticed that there was a post back in February that had gotten a decent amount of views this month, so I went back to read it. And I couldn't stop myself.

I re-read all of my posts from February up until my final, failed, canceled IUI cycle.

That was depressing, to say the least.

Reading my posts when I was hopeful, and then the next full of disappointment. I honestly cannot believe I made it through that in one piece.

It really dampened my mood yesterday afternoon. But, at least I made myself smile with tales of the Oaf who yawned at my vagina... sometimes I crack myself up!

_________

The Decemberists: I Was Meant for the Stage

For all the hardest roads we have to walk alone

2011-08-25T13:55:00.001-04:00

Is it odd that I, often times, think dead flowers are prettier than the alive version?

Tuesday night was the video shoot for the ultrasound place my company recently opened. Thankfully, unlike I posted here, I did not have to actually participate as an actor in the shoot. I remained behind the camera, much to my delight.

There were three pregnant women there, and a handful of children. Initially, I was way too busy playing director to pay too much attention to my feelings and emotions... which was great! I wallow in self-pity enough, no need to do so when I'm supposed to be working!

But... fast-forward to the "pregnant lady on the ultrasound table with husband holding her hand" scene. The preggo in question was 21 weeks, which is apparently a bit too early to have a 3d/4d ultrasound. She had yet to feel her baby kick, and was getting worried. I had my camera set up and had a nice tight shot of the couple. There is a huge TV in there on the wall that the couple was looking at, and when the baby showed up on there, moving and wriggling around, the relief was palpable. The joy on the faces of the parents was incredible.

And in that moment was my first pang of sadness/wistfulness/jealousy for the evening. The husband almost looked more excited than the wife! I couldn't help thinking about how Buster will react someday if we are ever lucky enough to see an ultrasound image of our baby.

But, as enticing as it is for me to lose myself in my wishful thinking, I had to pull my shit together so I could finish up this video shoot. After I got enough footage, I left the room and headed to the waiting room. Several others people involved in the shoot were in there, so I just waited with them.

One woman, who I used to work with, says to me, "That could be you someday," as she points to the ultrasound room.

I respond with, "I can only hope!"

She looked at me a bit strangely, but nothing else was said.

This led me to think (again, I know. I really need to curtail this bad habit somehow) about infertility statistics. I believe the latest is that one out of ever six couples has trouble conceiving a child. I looked around the room, and wondered if anyone else had struggled, or was currently "afflicted" (yes, afflicted. Much like the plague or some kind of black magic sorcery!).

I doubt anyone else there was infertile. I know there's always a chance, but I really doubt it.

So, why me? Not in a dramatic, "Why meeee???" But, a real question. Why me?

Maybe it's because I'm not modest. I'm not a shy person, I never have been. Perhaps, in some kind of sick way, it's better that I'm afflicted, rather than a shy version of myself.

I like to think that conversations I have with people who have no idea what infertility is or that real people even suffer with it are somewhat helping the IF community, and the world at large. And I truly don't mean to sound like what I say is profound in any way, but I think it's helpful for people to know, to learn, and to be made aware.

Who better to spout off about incredibly personal details than me? I can't think of a better candidate, personally.

I remember a time when I was embarrassed to be purchasing tampons. TAMPONS! Can you imagine? Fast-forward to today. I'll gladly talk to any stranger or passerby about my insides and about periods, ovulation, and semen.

Perhaps this causes people to pity me. So be it. I don't care! I won't really know that they pity me, unless they tell me. And if someone tells me they pity me, well, I would pity them, for the response they would receive from me would not be pleasant.

______________

I posted yesterday about my friend Lisa, who has recently gotten some horrible and devastating news. In this aftermath, I have found it odd how some people respond. She has gotten so many offers (who knows how genuine) from people who would gladly surrogate for her.

I realize that those are gestures born out of kindness. But, with a wound so fresh, give her some time to heal! To come to terms. To even THINK of what steps to take next.

I just feel so bad for her, and wish that there were words that could heal. I know there isn't anything I can say to make it better, and I hate that.

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My post title today comes from the Avett Brothers song "Pretty Girl at the Airport"