The universe hates me; or the story of how hope infested me
My ticker up above this post is correct. CD34. My longest cycle to date has been 32 days. I've had two 31-day cycles. But all my others are 28 or 29 days.
So what's up with this month?
Yesterday, I somehow managed to talk myself into thinking that I could be pregnant. On a break cycle. When we only BD'd one time during fertile season (yes, season!). I haven't been temping or charting or anything. I actually had a pretty decent month, aside from Easter.
So why? Why would I let hope permeate my I'm-on-a-break-cycle shell?
I'm weak. That's the answer. I'm weak. I'm never late! AF shows up freaking early when I'm doing injects, ffs. She doesn't show up late.
After work I went to the grocery store, and picked up a 2-pack of Kroger brand pink dye tests (they look just like the Equate pink dye tests). When I got home I peed. And nothing. BFN. Like usual.
It's not enough, is it? It's not enough, month after month enduring expensive fertility treatments and jabbing needles into my stomach, letting strangers dildo me, going on hormonal rages, crying when it doesn't work (and it never works), nothing works. It's not enough that I cannot get pregnant. The universe, or my body, or some being who controls the day-to-day lives of peons like me thinks it would be amusing to make my period late.
"That will show her! Moron thinks she could actually get pregnant on her own... on a break cycle! Muahahahaha"
I hope someone's getting a good laugh. It sure as hell isn't me.
_________________________
In more WTF news, I got a call yesterday from the lab that 5 vials of my blood was shipped to. Something happened to my blood, and it is no longer usable for testing.
Um, what?
Hemoglobin something or other. I can't remember what she said. Definitely had "hemo" and "globin" in the sentence, though.
So I have to schedule a redraw.
It's not like I'm in a hurry at this point, so I guess it doesn't really matter. It's just annoying, is all.
I have my next appointment with Dr. Sher on May 24th, and he will go over my results then. That's assuming that my blood is testable. WTF am I, an alien or some shit?? Maybe that's the answer! I can't get pregnant with a HUMAN baby because I'm an alien!!!!!!!!!
Who needs doctors? I just solved my own mystery.
So what's up with this month?
Yesterday, I somehow managed to talk myself into thinking that I could be pregnant. On a break cycle. When we only BD'd one time during fertile season (yes, season!). I haven't been temping or charting or anything. I actually had a pretty decent month, aside from Easter.
So why? Why would I let hope permeate my I'm-on-a-break-cycle shell?
I'm weak. That's the answer. I'm weak. I'm never late! AF shows up freaking early when I'm doing injects, ffs. She doesn't show up late.
After work I went to the grocery store, and picked up a 2-pack of Kroger brand pink dye tests (they look just like the Equate pink dye tests). When I got home I peed. And nothing. BFN. Like usual.
It's not enough, is it? It's not enough, month after month enduring expensive fertility treatments and jabbing needles into my stomach, letting strangers dildo me, going on hormonal rages, crying when it doesn't work (and it never works), nothing works. It's not enough that I cannot get pregnant. The universe, or my body, or some being who controls the day-to-day lives of peons like me thinks it would be amusing to make my period late.
"That will show her! Moron thinks she could actually get pregnant on her own... on a break cycle! Muahahahaha"
I hope someone's getting a good laugh. It sure as hell isn't me.
_________________________
In more WTF news, I got a call yesterday from the lab that 5 vials of my blood was shipped to. Something happened to my blood, and it is no longer usable for testing.
Um, what?
Hemoglobin something or other. I can't remember what she said. Definitely had "hemo" and "globin" in the sentence, though.
So I have to schedule a redraw.
It's not like I'm in a hurry at this point, so I guess it doesn't really matter. It's just annoying, is all.
I have my next appointment with Dr. Sher on May 24th, and he will go over my results then. That's assuming that my blood is testable. WTF am I, an alien or some shit?? Maybe that's the answer! I can't get pregnant with a HUMAN baby because I'm an alien!!!!!!!!!
Who needs doctors? I just solved my own mystery.
Sorry af toyed with you and about the blood mishap.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry about the BFN, but don't feel like you're crazy, there were even a couple months when DH was deployed that my AF was late and I convinced myself that I was pregnant from before he left... so I guess what I'm saying is we're all crazy so you're in good company! Also at least they didn't lose or screw up your CD3 blood so you'd have to wait another month, I'd probably kill someone if that happened!
ReplyDeleteI swear, I'm not laughing at your pain and frustration. You are just funny as hell and have such a way with words.
ReplyDeleteThat really sucks that your body is teasing you like this.
I'm still going to hold out some hope that you'll get a late BFP though!
Sometimes the only response is a Charlie Brown: "Oh good GRIEF!"
ReplyDeleteStupid sticks, stupid lab... sigh. Here's hoping the doctor confirms you're not an alien. ;)
Definitely had the extra-long-cycle-am-I-pregnant? thing, too... sucks, because you get a smidge of hope going. Sorry :(
ReplyDeleteUgh! That all just sucks. I'm so sorry. Also, I see your chart has changed. Boo. Thumbs down.
ReplyDeleteyuck, I think all us IF women should be spared from a late period (when there is a BFN). Not ok.
ReplyDeleteI hope you get some answers in your appt with Dr Sher, I have heard great things about him.