devastation; or the silence of a heart that doesn't beat

Our 9 week ultrasound was today. Today was the day I would be released from my RE. Today was the day I would see little arm and leg buds on my baby bean. Today was the day my parents, who went with me to the ultrasound, would see my little peanut on the big screen.

Instead, today was the day I found out our baby has no heartbeat. Today was the day I sobbed uncontrollably on the ultrasound table while trying to tell the ultrasound technician that last week the baby had a strong heartbeat of 157 bpm. Today was the day I saw my parents sobbing over the loss of their potential first grandchild.

Today was the day I had to call Buster and tell him that our baby had no heartbeat.

Just like I will never, ever forget the experience of our first ultrasound when we heard our baby's heart beating, I will never forget this ultrasound. Or the silence of a heart that doesn't beat. Or the final image of my baby on the monitor. It is forever burned into my memory.

My baby had grown since last week. They didn't say this, but I'm assuming that sometime in the past couple of days was when the heart stopped. It obviously happened sometime after Tuesday, which was my 8 week ultrasound.

I know it's not my fault, but I can't shake the feeling that it is. Even if it's nothing I did, it's my body. I blame my immune issues. It's too much of a coincidence.

We will continue trying. After all, that's all we know. But first, I have to wait to pass my baby.

And I thought 2012 was going to be such a good year.