Monday, January 2, 2012

devastation; or the silence of a heart that doesn't beat

Our 9 week ultrasound was today. Today was the day I would be released from my RE. Today was the day I would see little arm and leg buds on my baby bean. Today was the day my parents, who went with me to the ultrasound, would see my little peanut on the big screen.

Instead, today was the day I found out our baby has no heartbeat. Today was the day I sobbed uncontrollably on the ultrasound table while trying to tell the ultrasound technician that last week the baby had a strong heartbeat of 157 bpm. Today was the day I saw my parents sobbing over the loss of their potential first grandchild.

Today was the day I had to call Buster and tell him that our baby had no heartbeat.

Just like I will never, ever forget the experience of our first ultrasound when we heard our baby's heart beating, I will never forget this ultrasound. Or the silence of a heart that doesn't beat. Or the final image of my baby on the monitor. It is forever burned into my memory.

My baby had grown since last week. They didn't say this, but I'm assuming that sometime in the past couple of days was when the heart stopped. It obviously happened sometime after Tuesday, which was my 8 week ultrasound.

I know it's not my fault, but I can't shake the feeling that it is. Even if it's nothing I did, it's my body. I blame my immune issues. It's too much of a coincidence.

We will continue trying. After all, that's all we know. But first, I have to wait to pass my baby.

And I thought 2012 was going to be such a good year.

80 comments:

  1. oh goodness, I am so very sorry to hear this news. Such a sad day. I am holding you and Buster and your little one in my heart. So much love going out to you today. Please take care of yourself

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  2. I'm so sorry! It doesn't make any sense do please try not to blame yourself.

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  3. I am so so SO sorry to hear this news. And so so sorry that you have to join the ranks of us who've lived through a miscarriage. Worst. Club. Ever. This post brought tears to my eyes as my experience back in Sep was so similar. My baby looked beautiful at 8 weeks 3 days and then when I started bleeding at 12 weeks it turned out the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks 5 days. I'm devastated for you as all the emotions of a few months ago come rushing back to me and I'm openly crying into my computer. You'll survive this but it will forever change you. My heart goes out to you and your family as you deal with your loss. Hugs and prayers.

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  4. I am so, so very sorry. I'm speechless... I am so, so heartbroken for you. I cannot imagine the devastation you must be enduring. I know how deeply the bond between a mother a baby develops... especially after seeing your precious little one and your baby's heartbeat. This is nothing that you did. Take whatever time you need for yourself to heal and rest. Sending thoughts and prayers your way for comfort and peace.

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  5. Oh you poor thing. I am so sorry. I wish I had some word of comfort or that I could take the pain from you. Just hold on to eachother. I'm sorry Kara.

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  6. I am so sorry. It just seems so unfair. Trust it is absolutely nothing you did. Hugs!

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  7. I am so, so sorry. I agree with not blaming yourself. Sending hugs and love to you, Buster, and your family.

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  8. Oh how devastating. I'm so very sorry.

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  9. I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words right now that anyone can say to make this acceptable or make any sense. Just know that you have a group of woman that are here to support you.

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  10. Oh this is awful news. My heart is breaking for you right now. I am so sorry you are going through this.

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  11. I'm so sorry. I wish I had eloquent words to give some comfort, but I do send love and thoughts to you and yours.

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  12. My heart is aching for you :( I know the devastation of a miscarriage, and I know the toll it takes on you emotionally.. I'm so sorry you have to experience this.. DON'T GIVE UP!!! I didn't.. I went to Dr. after Dr. searching for answers.. I had TONS of tests done.. Continue to ask questions, and eventually it WILL happen for you guys!!! I'm SO sorry for your loss.. I'm sending hugs and warm thoughts your way <3

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  13. I am so, so sorry. There is nothing else I can say. I'll be praying for you and Buster.

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  14. I am so sorry Kara, this is awful news. My heart is breaking for you and your family. I will be thinking of you. Hugs

    Annabelle

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  15. I am so so sorry. I am devasted for you.
    Please don't blame yourself.
    I am thinking of you. Please let me know if you need anything.

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  16. I am so sorry Kara. I know there is nothing I can say during this heartbreaking time, but I am here if you ever need to vent, talk etc. Hugs!!!

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  17. I'm so, so sorry. It is an awful, terrible thing to go through...but you're not alone. Please don't blame yourself. One out of four pregnancies don't make it out of the first trimester...it's just something bad that happens, not something you did. It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you, either, or that you won't bring home a baby. It is just the worst shitty ass bad luck imaginable. Thinking of you and your family.

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  18. I am so sorry for your loss. I know first hand how awful those conversations and moments are and I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel the tiniest bit better but there isn't. Just know that you did everything you could, please try to avoid beating yourself up. Take care of yourself in this difficult time. <3

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  19. This post breaks my heart. I wish there was anything I could do for you. I will be here for you, cheering and holding the hope for you and I know when the day comes you'll be an incredible mother.

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  20. Kara I am in tears reading your post.... I am so sorry that you are going through such pain when you should be celebrating.... I know exactly how you feel.... The same thing happened to me on my first IVF and I was just inconsolable. My RE told me that for some reason it is normal for women to have early miscarriages on their first pregnancy....and that it happens often with normal pregnancies but the mothers werent even aware that they were pregnant yet. (Not like us IVFers who know exactly what is going on inside of our bodies at all times.... At the time I didn't care and didn't understand but we went right into a frozen transfer the following cycle and now I'm 20 weeks along and things are going great. You and Buster are a strong couple and I know you will get your 2012 baby. Stay strong Kara...

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  21. I am stunned and heartbroken for you. For what it's worth, there are so many of us out here thinking of you and holding you in our hearts. Like others, I also believe and trust that your time will come. Be strong.

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  22. Oh my! Kara, I am so so very sorry :( I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling. I will be thinking of you and praying for you.

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  23. im shocked. i am so sorry kara. i dont know what to say. there are no words.

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  24. I love you, Kara. If there was something I could do to make it better, I would. I am in shock, and I'm so angry for you. I'm so so sorry. Anything I say right now does not express my sadness for you. I'll be thinking of you and praying.You don't deserve this, and I hate infertility/immune issues :-( Lots of love always...

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  25. Kara. I am so sorry. That Is so heartbreaking. I wish there was something I could say or do. :-(

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  26. Kara, I'm in shock and tears. I'm so sorry for you and Buster. I'm so so sorry.

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  27. Kara-I am so sorry. This was the last thing I expected to be reading today. My heart goes out to you and your family.

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  28. This nearly made me cry. Prayers for you, Kara. I know how it feels, although I never heard my baby's heart beat, the pain is unexplainable. You will get your miracle some day. Now you know you can get pregnant and you have your snowbabies to count on. Believe God will bring a miracle into your life. Hugs your way!

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  29. I am so incredibly sorry that this happened. My heart is seriously breaking for you and your DH and everyone else.
    This is just so unfair.

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  30. Kara this just made me cry. I logged on after finally getting back last night. I wanted to hear good news. I've been so excited. This hurts. I'm so sorry! My heart goes out to you and Buster, I'm keeping you in my prayers.

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  31. Oh, honey, I am SO SO sorry. My heart and prayers go out for you and Buster and both of your sets of parents and for the little one.

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  32. I am so, so devastated for you. I have lost a baby and know that you must be in so much pain. Sending you warm, supportive hugs.

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  33. {{HUGS}}

    So sorry. Will be thinking of you.

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  34. There are no words - I am crying along with you.

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  35. I linked to your blog through TWW. I am so sorry to read this news. I found out my baby had died at 9 weeks at an ultrasound, and I too had to call my husband and tell him the horrible news. My baby had a great u/s and strong heartbeat the week prior as well.

    The day I learned that my baby was gone, I kept thinking back on the last good u/s and wondering what I could have done to save the baby. How could I get back to those magical days when I was pregnant and everything was so lovely? How could they be over, and how could it have changed so quickly? It was a terrible time, and while the physical healing came easily, the emotional healing still continues three years later.

    Please be kind to yourself and allow time to grieve. And despite the natural twists and turns our minds take, it's not your fault. Know that it's not your fault.

    I am so sorry for your loss.

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  36. I am so sorry. I don't know what to say except that this made me feel for you so much. I am thinking about you and know you will find a way to pick up the pieces.

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  37. So sorry to hear this Kara. Thinking of you at this difficult time.

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  38. Words cannot express. So sorry, Kara.:(

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  39. Kara, I am in pain for you. I know we never met, but following your story on your blog and TWW and then sharing a due date with you on the pregnancy boards made me feel connected to you in some strange way. And in that strange way, I am crying uncontrollably for you. I am so sorry that you have had to endure this devastation. I pray that God will bless you in amazing ways this year and that you WILL have that family you always dreamt of and deserved. I am so very sorry for you loss.

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  40. I am so sorry! Praying for you guys!

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  41. I am so sorry to hear this. It's just not fair at all...and you deserved so much more joy today. I am thinking of you and hoping that you find solace.

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  42. I can't believe it. I am so so sorry. Sorry doesn't even cover it. Holding you close. This isn't fair.

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  43. I am so sorry! Praying for you guys!

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  44. I don't have words for your pain, but just know you are not alone with it. I"ll be praying for your healing.

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  45. I've said it before, but I'm here when you want to talk and I love you and was looking forward to our summer babies. It was so good to see you and spend some time together this past week. I loved seeing you so happy and now that I know you're hurting, I'm just so sad for you guys. The highs are high and the lows are depressingly low in IF. You know that. You're living it and I hate it for you. I just want you to know that you are in my constant thoughts. I will be holding you guys and your baby up in my prayers every day. This is not your fault. This is not your fault.

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  46. I'm so very sorry. This is how my first miscarriage happened too. *hugs*

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  47. This is the worst news - I'm so very sorry for your loss. Tears streamed down my face as I read your post. Nobody should ever have to go through such heartache. We had a similar experience and the way you wrote about it brought back all of my emotions from that day over a year ago. I'm all to familiar with those feelings of guilt, in time those feelings start to fade some, please keep reminding yourself that there was nothing you could have done. I'm just so very sorry...

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  48. I also sorry Kara.. You are in my prayers..

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  49. I also sorry Kara.. You are in my prayers..

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  50. I also sorry Kara.. You are in my prayers..

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  51. I somehow found your blog through a google search back before you embarked on your IVF journey, and have been silently following since. I cannot tell you how shocked and devastated I am to click on your blog today and see the title of your latest post. Having just endured the pain of an ectopic pregnancy @ 8 weeks myself, I have some insight into what you're enduring. I am so very sorry. I know words will be hollow right now, and cold comfort, but am thinking of you across the miles in Australia.

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  52. Oh no. I'm so sorry. It's so effing unfair. My thoughts are with you.

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  53. I have been here before, and I am so sorry you now need to live this pain. It's so unfair, and my heart breaks for you. Many hugs.

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  54. Oh Kara! My heart is just aching for you and Buster. Words cannot express my sorrow for what you are going through right now. I will be praying for comfort and peace in this heartbreaking time. So, so sorry.

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  55. I am a new follower - I am soo sorry that you must go through this, as this pain is soo difficult!! I know that no words can make this better for you, but stay strong, this will happen for you!

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  56. I am so SO SO SO sorry!! :( :( I am a new follower but I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. It's just so unfair and I'm so heartbroken for you and your family while your grieve. That is one loved little baby who is now passing on.

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  57. I am so very sorry that you are going through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family right now. ((hugs))

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  58. I can't even express how sorry I am...my thoughts are with you, although I'm sure they're small comfort.

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  59. Oh Kara, I'm just devastated for you and your family. I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to take away your pain. If you need someone to talk to, you know how to get in touch with me. :(

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  60. I am crying reading this - it brings back so many memories. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Please try not to blame yourself, I did that for a few years and it makes the loss even harder to come to terms with.

    Thinking of you and your family, hug each other tightly.

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  61. I am devastated to see this today, I am so sorry.

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  62. I have been following your journey for several months now and am just devastated to read this. My thoughts are with you, Buster and your parents. Much love from Kentucky. (((hugs)))

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  63. Oh sweetheart. I'm so sorry. Much love.

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  64. I am heartbroken for you and your family. I am just so sorry. Sending love.

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  65. I am so, so sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for you guys going through this.

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  66. I am so, so sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for you guys going through this.

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  67. You did nothing to make this happen. This is not your fault. I miscarried after my 1st IUI and I was crushed, and now we're on to IVF. I wish you all the comfort in the world in this excruciating time.

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  68. To have your hope stolen like this is hard. I am very sorry about the loss and I am heartbroken for you and your family.

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  69. words won't help but i'm so sorry and please know that you're in my thoughts. as someone who has experienced rpl], i know what it's like to blame your body.

    ~x~

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  70. (here from lcfa) I have suffered several losses and I know that moment on the ultrasound table. My heart goes out to you, and I'm so sorry for you and your husband. It is nothing you did, but I know that doesn't make this any easier. Take all the time you need to grieve and heal from this very real loss. I'm just so sorry.

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  71. I am here from LFCA and I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your loss.

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  72. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I cannot imagine the horror and heartbreak of seeing the heartbeat one week and not seeing it the next. This is not your fault--please don't blame yourself.

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  73. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I can't imagine what you are going through, but I do feel the fear of it possibly happening to me. *hugs*

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  74. Even though I already knew the outcome, it is so upsetting to read your words here. Your post title is like a poem, a beautiful one. Wishing you strength and hope.

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