I had a small meltdown yesterday.
And my day started off so well. I was feeling very positive. My blog post from yesterday is proof.
About two hours after I posted that blog entry, I get a phone call from my grandfather. The one who did not know about the miscarriage up to that point. He was asking if Buster and I wanted tickets to the university basketball game.
Well, it seemed silly to have him on the phone and not disclose my news. So, I asked to speak with my grandmother. And I told her. She was stunned. She cried. She didn't know what to say. I cried a little, but then went full-force into my positive spin, and the conversation was as pleasant as it could have been. She was proud of my strength, glad that I'm not letting this tear me apart, etc etc.
Right after we get off the phone, I get a text from a coworker. This is the same coworker who, months and months ago, was always asking if we were pregnant yet. Finally, I felt like I had to fill her in on our infertility struggles. I also let her know when we were doing IVF, and I can't tell you how incredibly happy for us she was when we finally became pregnant.
I sent her an email last week telling her about the miscarriage. She has been very supportive and sweet since then, telling our boss and several of my coworkers so I didn't have to.
She's never been to my house. She tried to find it based off of what I had told her, but she texted me asking where exactly it was. She was on my street. No warning.
And she came bearing fruit. A really nice fruit basket that my company bought. Yes, this was very sweet. But I am not a fan of unannounced visits. Especially right after I hang up the phone from telling my grandmother I had a miscarriage.
So I talk with her a bit. She asks how I'm doing, blah blah blah. I just wasn't wanting to deal with any of this. All I wanted to do was go run my errands and go about my day.
After she leaves, I finally get out to run my errands. One of which includes WalMart. Nothing like going to WalMart on a Saturday afternoon, when it is most crowded. I'm a masochist, yes?
It takes me about an hour to do all the shopping I need to in WalMart. I head out with all my bags and load them into the Jeep. I pull out, driving down the parking "aisle" towards the exit.
I see a car cutting across parking spaces and aisles (lanes? whatever.), heading directly towards me. I'm just driving, legally, down the lane towards the exit. I didn't slow down, because I assumed they would stop. I mean, they were the one driving ILLEGALLY, right?
Well, the old lady does not stop. She pulls in front of me. I throw my hands up in frustration, all the while spewing expletives and questioning the fact that she is behind a wheel at all.
She swings around me, obviously looking for a parking space. She stops though, and her driver's side window and my driver's side window are facing one another, about two feet apart. She must have seen me throw my hands up and seen my mouth moving at a fast speed. She says, in seriously the most annoying voice ever,
Really? Like you did nothing wrong here? I just enjoy cursing out old lady's for the fuck of it??
I couldn't even dignify her with any words. So I flipped her off. Right to her face. And sped away.
And right then, I say out loud to myself,
"Maybe I'm not doing as well as I thought."
Today marks what would have been my 10-weeks-pregnant milestone. I'm attempting not to dwell on that fact, but it's there, in the back of my mind. I can't believe it's only been six days since we found out that our baby no longer had a heartbeat. I feel like it's been centuries.