Sunday, January 8, 2012

a small meltdown


I had a small meltdown yesterday.

And my day started off so well. I was feeling very positive. My blog post from yesterday is proof.

About two hours after I posted that blog entry, I get a phone call from my grandfather. The one who did not know about the miscarriage up to that point. He was asking if Buster and I wanted tickets to the university basketball game.

Well, it seemed silly to have him on the phone and not disclose my news. So, I asked to speak with my grandmother. And I told her. She was stunned. She cried. She didn't know what to say. I cried a little, but then went full-force into my positive spin, and the conversation was as pleasant as it could have been. She was proud of my strength, glad that I'm not letting this tear me apart, etc etc.

Right after we get off the phone, I get a text from a coworker. This is the same coworker who, months and months ago, was always asking if we were pregnant yet. Finally, I felt like I had to fill her in on our infertility struggles. I also let her know when we were doing IVF, and I can't tell you how incredibly happy for us she was when we finally became pregnant.

I sent her an email last week telling her about the miscarriage. She has been very supportive and sweet since then, telling our boss and several of my coworkers so I didn't have to.

She's never been to my house. She tried to find it based off of what I had told her, but she texted me asking where exactly it was. She was on my street. No warning.

And she came bearing fruit. A really nice fruit basket that my company bought. Yes, this was very sweet. But I am not a fan of unannounced visits. Especially right after I hang up the phone from telling my grandmother I had a miscarriage.

So I talk with her a bit. She asks how I'm doing, blah blah blah. I just wasn't wanting to deal with any of this. All I wanted to do was go run my errands and go about my day.

After she leaves, I finally get out to run my errands. One of which includes WalMart. Nothing like going to WalMart on a Saturday afternoon, when it is most crowded. I'm a masochist, yes?

It takes me about an hour to do all the shopping I need to in WalMart. I head out with all my bags and load them into the Jeep. I pull out, driving down the parking "aisle" towards the exit.

I see a car cutting across parking spaces and aisles (lanes? whatever.), heading directly towards me. I'm just driving, legally, down the lane towards the exit. I didn't slow down, because I assumed they would stop. I mean, they were the one driving ILLEGALLY, right?

Well, the old lady does not stop. She pulls in front of me. I throw my hands up in frustration, all the while spewing expletives and questioning the fact that she is behind a wheel at all.

She swings around me, obviously looking for a parking space. She stops though, and her driver's side window and my driver's side window are facing one another, about two feet apart. She must have seen me throw my hands up and seen my mouth moving at a fast speed. She says, in seriously the most annoying voice ever,

"Excuuuuuuuuuuse me??"

Really? Like you did nothing wrong here? I just enjoy cursing out old lady's for the fuck of it??

I couldn't even dignify her with any words. So I flipped her off. Right to her face. And sped away.

And right then, I say out loud to myself,

"Maybe I'm not doing as well as I thought."


Today marks what would have been my 10-weeks-pregnant milestone. I'm attempting not to dwell on that fact, but it's there, in the back of my mind. I can't believe it's only been six days since we found out that our baby no longer had a heartbeat. I feel like it's been centuries.


  1. Catching up on blogs after the holidays and just read through your story. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this and for the pain you are feeling. Here's hoping you can find solace in your hubs -- he sounds amazing. Sending you lots of strength and hugs!

  2. Hard days sneak up on you, but there are fewer and fewer over time. I would have flipped the bitch off even on my best day, so I think you're doing okay. :)

    Sorry for the unannounced visit. I know she meant well, but I don't know many people that like people to just pop in whenever they want.


  3. Wow, you are a much nicer person than I am - I don't think you have anything to apologize for, flipping someone off for driving illegally and dangerously. And having a meltdown in either public or private is entirely understandable at this stage of the game. Hang on and do whatever you need to do on a day-by-day, hour-by-hour basis... this is a time for you to do whatever it takes just to keep breathing in and breathing out.

  4. You are doing better than you thought, you just got hit with WAAAAY too much all at once. I made the mistake of going to Target last weekend. No crazy drivers, just babies and pregnant women everywhere. I wasn't ready for it.

    I hope you don't get any more surprise visits or emotional attacks like you've had. One difficult thing to deal with a day is enough.

    Thank you so much for your kind comments on my blog. I think of you every day. Be easy on yourself.

  5. what a crazy old lady! & I know exactly what you mean about unannounced guests! I went as far as to hide in my room when a distant friend of mine showed up with out a call! I know its horrible that I just left her standing at the door knocking, but I mean really, she didn't even call!

  6. I'm sorry for your hard day. I hope things get easier.
    I would have flipped her off too, so no worries on that one!
    Thinking of you.

  7. Friend, you are surviving and by virtue of that, you are doing great. Sometimes we need to go all "Tawanda" on a stranger's ass to get it out of our system. (Fried Green Tomatoes reference....and I just dated myself.)

    Don't be hard on yourself. Each day is different and "doing well" becomes relative to that specific day.

    And, dude, unannounced guests - well-intentioned or not - are unwelcome guests. I would have told her I wasn't home - or given her a different address. See, you were only mean to a stranger, not to someone you know. You're doing just fine. (((Hugs)))

  8. UGH, I would've flipped that old bitch the bird too and probably cursed her dumbass out.
    We had one almost run DH and I over outside of the grocery store... NM the big STOP on the road or the actual stop signs that she completely ignored.

    Anywho.... you are doing SO great with your recovery. You're def going to have bad days though. Or well, I know I did.

  9. For some reason all of your blog posts for the last month just showed up in my reader today. I am so sorry for all you have been going through. Stay tough. And that lady totally deserved teh finger.

  10. I came to your blog from LFCA. I was pregnant for the first time and went for my weekly ultrasound on December 28. We had a strong heartbeat in both of the two previous weeks but that day there was no heartbeat.

    As I read through your posts it seemed like I wrote them. Sobbing on the ultrasound table, the numbness, the waves of grief, and the surprising return of terribleness after positivity.

    Just wanted to say how sorry I am. It can be unbearable at times. Hoping we can both look forward to the possibilities ahead.


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