Saturday, January 7, 2012

let the healing commence

It's over.

Well, it was over this past Monday, but it's officially, unequivocally over.

There is no more baby inside of me.

And I don't feel as empty as I expected.

I had to ask Buster last night if something was wrong with me that I wasn't more distraught. Obviously I'm sad. Obviously I have been and am mourning the loss of my first-ever pregnancy.

But somehow, the realization that there is no longer a lifeless baby inside of me has lifted this immense burden of sadness and grief from me.

Not all of it. Never will it all be gone.

But the chunk of sadness and grief that rendered me a walking zombie has been lifted.

I feel some... relief.

Do you think I'm weird? Uncaring? Buster has reassured me that I'm not, but I can't help feeling it.

A good friend had a d&c after discovering a miscarriage at 10 weeks. She told me that she was in a vicious depression for 3 weeks, and that I should expect to really be hurting.

And don't get me wrong, I'm hurting. But I am ready to start healing. Physically and emotionally.

I have a theory on this. Maybe it's a bunch of horseshit, who knows. But it's my current theory on perhaps why I'm feeling so... resilient?

Infertility.

I have learned to expect disappointment. I know pain and sorrow. I know yearning and wanting and jealousy and sorrow. Never to this level, granted. But I've experienced years of it.

And it has made me stronger and more resilient than I ever could have imagined.

Someone who has not endured the same kind of struggle, a process that is coming up on it's 5-year anniversary, may be more heavily affected by the news of a miscarriage.

Does that make any sense?

It does in my warped mind.

But as I said up above, I am hurting. But I'm ready to move on. The d&c was the biggest hurdle in my way, and now it's done. I'm ready to get back to being me.

We have three snowbabies in NYC. We will be doing another FET when my body gets back to normal. I realize that my next period may not be for 2 or 3 months. And I'm ok with that (although I was bummed to hear that initially). I plan to use that time to focus on me. Much like I did after my failed IUIs in the beginning of this year, I am going to work on becoming a healthier me.

I have gained six pounds since the start of our FET. And even then I was seven pounds heavier than I was when I lost the 20+ pounds. I think losing a bit of this pudge will make me feel better. Right now I have to wear the stupid belly band to fit in my pants, and I reallllly don't want to keep having to use that thing. I'm ready to throw it in the box with all my pregnancy books and magazine and not look at it for a while.

So that's where I am today. I'm starting my recovery. Starting to allow some optimism for the future in.

_______________________

Per my request, the POC (products of conception... aka my baby and all the stuff surrounding it that was removed from me yesterday) was sent off to be tested for chromosomal abnormalities. As off as this may sound, I'm really hoping it was a chromosomal issue. I don't want this to be immune related. I want it to be bad luck.


_______________________



Today I have to do something I've been putting off since Monday. I need to tell my grandparents about the miscarriage.

They were on vacation in Palm Beach this past week. They got home last night.

I didn't want to tell them while they were on vacation. I know they will be devastated. I can't even explain to you how excited they were. They LOVE babies. LOVE.

And in a different way than my parents. I think it's mostly due to the fact that my parents have no grandchildren. My grandparents have eight. And they LOVE babies. Have I mentioned that?

I got a text yesterday from my grandma that they had safely arrived back in Pittsburgh. She also included some cute baby girl names that they heard while around the pool at their posh hotel.

Ugh.

So, now I have to break the bad news. And I know it's stupid, but I feel guilty for ruining their day. I know, I know. That's asinine, right? But I can't help it. That's how I am. I'm a people pleaser, and I hate disappointing anyone.

And they will certainly be disappointed. Not in me, I know. But still.

Do I text? Call? Stop over? I don't know what to do.

I didn't have to do this with my parents, as they were in the room with me and experienced my heartbreak first-hand. So, I don't have this kind of experience.

Any suggestions?

22 comments:

  1. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are not weird. Or uncaring. You are grieving, and grief comes in all different forms. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve over this loss. You have to let yourself think and feel what you want to think and feel, if that makes sense.

    As far as telling your grandparents, you need to tell them in a way that's going to work best for you. If a phone call is too difficult, try an email or a letter. Or is it possible that someone else can break the news for you? Maybe your parents or your husband? There's no good way of sharing this news, but the less uncomfortable you feel, the better.

    Sending love and strength.

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  2. You are NOT strange or unfeeling. I lost my first pg to missed miscarriage and I also felt enormous relief after the d&c. It is wonderful you are feeling so ready to move on. What I will say is don't be surprised IF your grief creeps up on you at odd times. Maybe it won't, but it is sneaky and can trickle in when you least expect it. Sending you so many hugs.

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  3. I don't think it is at all out of place to be feeling the way you are. We all handle grief and shock differently - especially when it comes to loss. Just know you have a lot of support from this community! Take care of yourself... I think taking time to focus on what will help you to heal physically and emotionally is the thing to do. Thinking of you...

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  4. Good for you for sternly pushing chromosomal testing...I also hope it's a chromosome issue and get some reassurance. Now that is healing.... Anyway, you have been mourning for days on end, so a reprieve from that...especially after the d&c is totally normal. I was the same way, the grief will return...it always does...damn it. Think of it like a circle.....sometimes you swing up and feel better and then you swing back...and it's all ok. Really. It's healthy to feel it....happy, aloof, sad, whatever it is. One day, likely around the year mark you will make it all the way around the circle and be "normal" again. Xoxoxo

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  5. You are not weird. I think that infertility definitely makes us stronger. I'm not sure if this makes any sense, but I think with infertility we are always in a 'pre grief' state, we grieve in advance for the BFN, we brace ourselves for non doubling numbers when we get a BFP, it builds up scar tissue on our hearts.

    My D&C brought me relief. I'm sad, but after two weeks I'm moving on and letting the sadness just sit there. I'm not broken by this, and I think you're right, infertility is the reason.

    I would break the news to your grandparents in whatever way feels best for you. I agree that having your parents break the news might be a good idea, or your husband, if you're not up to it. Take care of yourself.

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  6. You are not weird at all. That is a totally normal feeling to have relief. I can't agree with you enough about the feeling of strength from infertility. As sad as it is we're always waiting for the other foot to drop and play a constant game of preparation for such things. We recently got back our POC results. Just a warning they may tell you the sex of the baby. It completely threw me for a loop as I wasn't expecting. So if its something you feel comfortable hearing let them know right away. I'm glad you're on the path to healing. But be sure that's what your allowing yourself to do. Us infertiles tend to push things to the back of our mind, put a new plan in place, and "move on". But its not always the best. :::Hugs::::

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  7. Not weird at all. I def know what you mean by the infertility kind of I dunno.. making these horrible incidents less b/c those of us w/ fertility issues are used to dissappointment. I totally understand and I agree.

    Anywho.... as for the grandparents.. I think giving them a call or seeing them would be best. It's whatever you feel most comfortable doing though in this uncomfy/awful situation.

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  8. I also hate telling people the disappointment. It comes down to the fact that they are involved too and emotionally invested and yes they will hurt too. I would phone, because you can mask your pain, where as in person you cant. Then you also don't need to SEE their reaction.
    I don't think you're weird for being ready to move on, I think your strength is carrying you, the longer you dwell and think of what could have been the more it hurts. I have done the same thing.
    I also hear ya on wanting to lose the pudge :)

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  9. Another online friend is going through a loss and wrote a post very similar to yours a couple days ago. As I told her, going through a loss is the worst kind of emotional roller coaster, and there is no right or wrong way to feel. You just have to take things one day or even one hour or minute at a time and let time heal your broken heart. I remember having days where I'd feel fine, then the next day the wall would hit me out of nowhere and I'd be back in the gutter again.

    As for how to tell people, it's however you feel comfortable doing it. I emailed my family about it. They didn't even know we'd been trying, and I have a large family and I just couldn't face making several phone calls and having to relate the story over and over again and answer questions and listen to awkward responses. However, sometimes a phone call is nice because it gives you the opportunity to talk about it and hear sympathetic words.

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  10. Tiffany (blue ocean)January 7, 2012 at 10:40 AM

    You are very normal K. Everything you are going through (feelings and emotions) is expected and especially after your circumstances. I am glad you got the chrome testing done and I pray it comes out there was a chromosomal issue. That's what mine was.

    I would call your grandparents. I had my mom call for me when I had my m/c. I just couldn't deal with it.

    I am glad to hear your strength is reformed and you are moving forward. You haven't let anything stop you and you never will! Hugs girl! xoxoxox (blue ocean) Tiffany

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  11. Kara- Everything you said makes perfect sense... I felt the same way after my D&C... I was deeply saddened but I wanted to move on, I wanted to laugh and smile again.... I think you are right that infertiles are used to disappointment and crushing news affects us differently. I got my period about 6 weeks after my D&C and my RE let me go right into another FET from there.... I did become pregnant again and am currently 20 weeks along. I did receive a phone call my from OB that some of my recent bloodwork is abnormal and could mean there is a problem with the pregnancy but for now things are OK.... I am so used to getting bad phone calls and bad news that I'm trying to be positive but at the same time realistic that this pregnancy could end at any time also.... Stay strong and make sure to keep you and Buster's relationship strong....if you have a strong marriage you can deal with all these hurdles. Hoping for healthy 2012 babies for us both.

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  12. I think you are handling the grief well. Everyone handles emotion differently. I'm glad you've begun the healing process and that you're approaching this positively, albeit as hard as it may be from time to time. I think the chromosomal test is a good idea. Its never easy breaking the news to family, but they will be supportive and sympathetic and you need all of that support right now.

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  13. I also felt huge relief after the baby was finally out of me. I had to wait another week since I did it at home but a huge wave of relief washed over me when it was finally over. You're not unfeeling at all, grief is funny and we all react to it differently. Some days I was fine, like you are now and some days I didn't want to get out of bed or found myself crying in my dentists's office.

    As to telling your grandparents, anyway someone else could do it for you? Specifically whichever parent they are the parents of? I texted my sister the day we found out our baby died and had her tell everyone else...i couldn't deal with it. Good luck with whatever you choose to do, none of it is easy.

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  14. Kara I felt the same way after my D&C, relief. I didn't feel sadness once it was over but I did feel guilty after Logan was born for being thankful I had a m/c otherwise I wouldn't have had him. He was/is the child that I was meant to have, I'm sure of it. Yours is out there too.

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  15. You are doing an amazing job of dealing with all of us. Of course, everyone does so differently, but I can hear/feel your strength and resolve. I think it's a great strategy to focus on you for a while, while you're passing the time before trying again.

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  16. I think their child (your mom or dad depending on which grandparents they are) can tell them.

    I don't even remember telling anyone, I think my parents spread the word for me so I wouldn't have to say it myself.

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  17. I am sorry you are going through this. If it was me, I would ask my parents to tell them. I only told one person when I miscarried and I let my DH and my mom spread the news to others. But, that was me, I just couldn't deal with saying what happened. Also, I totally understand what you mean about disappointing people. I cried over feeling like I let people down. I have come to realize I haven't let anyone down, maybe only me. Hang in there. Prayers to you.

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  18. sending you much love today. I had a loss around 15 wks, after my D&E I found I quickly bounced back physically and was all over the map emotionally. The sadness came in waves I learned that there was not much to do but ride them out.
    wishing you strength and healing.

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  19. I am so, so, so, so sorry for your loss.

    I had a miscarriage last April at 11 w 5 d and wanted to share a few things with you:
    1) I felt better after the D&C...instead of huge depression and mourning, I was like, OK, we have snowbabies, what do I need to do to get pregnant again? I was really focused on the future and next steps and I think that made a difference
    2) My clinic made me wait 3 months before they would do the FET
    3) I am now 26 weeks pregnant. There is hope after miscarriage!
    4) I think your plan to get in shape/as healthy as you can is a great one. I too tried to get as healthy as possible...I didn't try to lose the pregnancy/IVF weight I'd gained, though, because in my mind that might deplete my body of some nutrients (dieting too strenuously)...but that was just me, not any medical advice.

    And as far as your grandparents, I would call or stop by, not text. And I know what you mean about it being hard. When I told my parents and in-laws, I kept saying, sorry, sorry, sorry, like it was my fault...I just felt so bad making them feel the pain of it.

    Again, so sorry this has happened to you...it just absolutely sucks.

    Sending lots of hugs...

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  20. I dont think its strange. The D&C helped me move on too. It didnt take away all the sadness but I guess it made it final, over. Praying it was a chromosomal issue and nothing more. I called family and although it was tough, scratch that horrible I think it was the right thing to do. I also had my parent tell some people.

    Thinking of you.....
    T

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  21. Nope, you're definitely not weird. I think the IF is the reason, too. It took my DH and I 10 months of ART to conceive the first time - the first time in our lives - and we fully expected to lose the babies in the first trimester. I mean, how could we not? First pregnancy, multiples, ART, how could it be NOT too good to be true? Well, it was...we lost them two weeks into the second trimester, just when we started to feel safe. It's been five months and the healing comes in waves, but overall we are ready to be pregnant again, to go through all the heartache of trying to conceive...because at least that brings some hope.

    Hugs to you...

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  22. I've always had a difficult time letting myself... feel. Happiness I can do. Sadness or heartbreak, not so much. I just box it all up and move forward. And after my year of failed cycles, that is even more true. You're not weird at all, and I think your theory is right on the nose. Sometimes all you can do is keep moving forward. But just remember, if that break down does still come at some point in the future - that's OK too.

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