Friday, December 31, 2010

The Funeral



On this gray, cold morning, I sit in my living room, in silence. I woke up early and got on the computer to check my typical sites (FB, email, TTC forums). I am feeling...here.

I am relieved that this year is almost over. However, I am apprehensive about the upcoming year. Will it be month after month of disappointment, just like 2010 (and not all TTC-related, either)? Will my wildest dreams come true?

Truth be told, I'm scared of the new year. Will Buster find a decent job? Will I get pregnant? Will Buster find a decent job before I get pregnant? What if I never get pregnant? Why has Kelsey been so damn lethargic as of late?

I'm a worrier. I worry about most anything that comes up. I think it is directly tied to me wanting to control everything. If I'm not in control, I worry. Because if I'm not in control, that's all I can do.

In this very moment, the weight of 2010 feels as if it is crashing down upon me. My heart feels heavy and troubled. Lingering regrets from years past are creeping in and, at this very moment, it is really hard to push them away.

Tonight, I will mourn this past year. We are going to dinner with a group of some family, some friends, and some fucking douchebags that I definitely do not want to be around. I am wearing a black dress, black and gray checkered tights and black boots (that I got on sale yesterday for $23!). I will be in mourning. I will drink to 2010, but only as an obligatory tradition.

But when the clock strikes midnight and the ball drops, I will kiss Buster, passionately. In that kiss will contain all of my hope, apprehension, excitement and curiosity for the upcoming 2011. And at that point, I will let go of 2010 and the rampage it has done on my life.

_____________

The Funeral by Band of Horses:

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

My first cycle of 2011...

has officially started! Well, it actually started yesterday, but whatever!

Today is CD2, and I start Femara 2.5mg twice a day tomorrow. I am really excited and hopeful. I'm actually a little mad at myself for being so excited and hopeful, but there's not much I can do at this point. I have (kind of) already told myself that this cycle will be "the one". Yes, I am totally setting myself up for a long, hard fall if this cycle doesn't work, but for now I'm feeling good. And all I can do is take this one day at a time.

I will go to the RE on CD11 for an u/s to check on my progress, and see when it looks like I can do the trigger and IUI. CD11 will be next Thursday. This feels like it is moving really fast all of the sudden!

__________

Here is a photo of Kelsey with her BFF, Buttercup (my MIL's 3 y/o Golden):






They are spooning!!! I think I am starting to love dogs more so than people...

Monday, December 27, 2010

Holiday bliss

Although a small part of me is saddened by the passing of the holidays, most of me is happy they are done with. I was quite stressed this Christmas, with the little pup and all, plus cooking and baking. I did practically nothing yesterday, aside from play with my new toys, and plan to do the same today!

I had a wonderful Christmas. The presents that Buster and I got for our families were all well-received, especially little Lulu. My MIL cried like a baby when Lulu was presented, and she was instantly in love. She has thanked us several times a day since Christmas Eve. Also, the Sarah McLachlan tickets I got for my sister, her girlfriend, and my mom and dad were a big hit and surprise. I was pretty proud of myself for that idea, honestly. We never get big-name concerts (or any concerts, really) to my town, so when I heard Sarah was coming, I had to get tickets!

Buster spoiled me rotten this Christmas (all of the gifts he bought me were bought before he lost his job, in case anyone was wondering!). I got a Kindle (so excited!), the gray rosebud earrings I had posted about in this post and then an identical purple pair, slip-on gray chucks (yay!), some Exotic Coconut lotion (the only lotion I'll use, lol). He also got me an amazing Boos cutting board! This sucker is 2 inches thick, made of Cherry, and beautiful!



Then, the biggest surprise of all, he got me a right-hand ring! I don't wear a ton of jewelry, but I had been mentioning a lot in the past several months how I'd like a nice right-hand ring. Well, he listened! He did a great job :)



Kelsey had a great Christmas, too. Not only did she get rid of her annoying foster-sister, she raked it in with new toys and treats, and even a new food and water bowl with adjustable height settings. Here is a pic of her with her new "woobie", given to her by my MIL:


From our parents, Buster and I received a plethora of things, namely a Bradley smoker (Buster can't wait to make some jerky), a set of Henckels knives (all of my ridiculously subpar knives had previously come from Walmart), and a Logitech Revue with Google TV. The Google TV thing is really cool. Buster especially likes it.

All in all, we had a great Christmas. We ate tons of good food, spent a lot of time with family, and made people happy. What more could I ask for? I hope you all had a wonderful holiday experience as well.

Now to get back to Stardust on my Kindle... :)

Thursday, December 23, 2010

And I am doing the best that I can

I woke up in good spirits today. I'm sure it has to do with a combination of factors, including:
  • The approaching holiday and my 4 1/2 day weekend!
  • My great friend sent me a gift certificate to one of my favorite Etsy stores!!! Merry Christmas me! :)
  • My friend and co-worker, Liz, told me I look skinny today 
  • I picked up my Femara from Walgreens today, and I am so ready for next cycle!
  • The building excitement regarding seeing people open and hopefully loving the gifts I've gotten them!
  • After a 12 day drought, I got laid! I think this is probably the largest contributing factor to my happy mood.
 ________


We have decided to give Lulu to my MIL on Christmas Eve. I am beyond thrilled with this decision. This will allow Buster and I to have a somewhat-sane Christmas morning before we head out for the whole day. I will miss the little nightmare, but luckily the in-laws live in our same neighborhood, and I can visit her whenever I wish to.

________


Up above in my bulleted list, I mention my friend who gave me a gift certificate. It's really interesting, our friendship. It's really a newly-formed friendship, even though we went to junior high and high school together. We were friends on Facebook, and would comment at times on each others statuses. Well, one day in early September, I saw a status update by her that mentioned the term "TWW". I messaged her immediately, as I was shocked that someone from my "real life" was using terms such as that (I'd only met ladies online who discussed such things!). From that initial message, we have bonded over our shared struggles trying to conceive. Even though hers is a different type of infertility (secondary infertility), we share the common bond of wanting desperately to get pregnant and have a child. The differences in our situation are inconsequential to me.

She was recently inspired to start blogging, and I had the privilege of designing her blog. This is the reason I received an Etsy gift certificate to a fabulous store. It is the same shop that carried the earrings I included in this post. What a thoughtful gift. I am not only appreciative of her kind gesture, but also of our newly-forged, Facebook-and-TTC-induced friendship.

If you are looking for some excellent reading (because she is a superb writer!), check out her new blog:
The Deep Silence of a Long-Suffering Heart
 And feel free to tell me how much you just LOVE the design of her blog ;)

________


I decided, while showering (which is when I do my best thinking), that when I reach 100 followers I will have a giveaway! I'm not sure what the actual prize will be yet, but if I was a betting man, I would say some kind of awesome gift from Etsy (Not purchased with my new gift certificate, of course!!).  I guess I could always go the way of a TTC-related gift, but...meh. Unless my readers would prefer a TTC-related gift. Feel free to weigh in on this decision!

________


I figured I would go ahead and post a couple new photos of Lulu, since I won't have her much longer! She is an awful subject to try and photograph...constantly on the move! You can easily tell this by my first couple photos posted here. The only way I was able to get her to sit still was to allow her to gnaw on my hand for a minute with her razor-sharp puppy teeth.





________


Due to the positive response when I posted a Modest Mouse song the other day, I thought I would do it again! My blog title today comes from one of my favorite MM songs, Baby Blue Sedan. Enjoy :)

"It's hard to be a human being..."




    Tuesday, December 21, 2010

    Merry ICLW!

    And the title is about as joyful as I'm going to get in this post. Don't say I didn't warn you!



    Welcome to anyone stumbling upon my blog via ICLW. In brief summary about me, I am a 29-year-old graphic designer (wannabe chef and entrepreneur) who is happily married to my best friend, Buster. We have been trying to conceive since 2007. We have never been even semi-successful. I have been diagnosed with the dreaded "unexplained infertility". Buster's boys are in great shape, so it is likely that the "problem" lies within me. Oh, joy! (There's some joy for ya!)

    2010 has not been our year. Really, it was just ok. Another year of failed cycles and BFN's for me, while Buster got his Electrician's license and was on the hunt for a job. Apparently a good job is hard to find! But then, in the first week of November, our luck changed. Buster got a call from a great local employer. He had been applying at this place for 10 years. He was hired, and things were really looking up.

    Fast-forward to last week. Buster gets called in to HR and questioned regarding my father, his father-in-law. Apparently "immediate family" includes in-laws, which we did not realize. Because my father works at the company, Buster was terminated. A week and a half before Christmas.

    So now, we are ready for this shitfuck of a year to be over. In January I will be taking Femara (for the first time) and doing an IUI (for the second time). That is about all I am looking forward to at this point.

    And just because the universe wasn't done shitting on us, Buster's car didn't start yesterday. He thinks it is because the battery is too cold, but who knows. We will find out more today.

    On Sunday we drove an hour and forty minutes each way to pick up a Golden Retriever pup that we are giving to MIL for Christmas. The puppy, Lulu, is adorable. However, her and Kelsey together are little nightmares! I don't know how people have more than one puppy! I didn't think I would feel this way, but I am so ready for Christmas to get here so we can give the puppy to MIL and regain a little peace and quiet around my house!


    Friday, December 17, 2010

    We have good news for anyone who loves bad news

    It has been a shitty week. I guess I'll just get right to it: Buster lost his job.

    When he was hired, he had to sign a paper stating that he had no immediate family that worked there. He was signing this paper along with tons of other papers, and he did not read the fine print. He (and I) incorrectly assumed that immediate family did NOT include in-laws. Well, we were wrong. Human resources found out that Buster was my dad's son-in-law, and my dad works at the same company.

    The worst thing about all of this is that there is no way that HR would have found out on their own. Someone had to go report this. It makes my blood boil to think that someone would be so malicious and vindictive as to go to such measures to fuck with someone's livelihood.

    Buster's cousin was once married to the daughter of one of the higher-ups at the company. He was an awful husband, and after sleeping with half the town while married to this girl, they got divorced. Her mother went to such lengths as to slash his tires afterward. She is a malicious, vindictive person. And Buster used to work with his cousin at the driving range that his cousin ran. Buster was assistant manager, and it was during the worst time in the cousin's marriage. It seems to us that this family associates Buster with his cousin, and maybe by hurting Buster they could hurt the cousin.

    Well, Buster hasn't spoken to the cousin in several years, after finding out what kind of guy he really is. And by Buster losing his job, that won't affect the cousin. He doesn't give a shit what happens to Buster and me.

    It's been a rough week, trying to come to terms with this. We were planning so many things for the next couple of years, including buying a car, a house, and paying for enough fertility treatments to knock me up.

    A job search will commence, and hopefully Buster can find something suitable in the coming weeks. We are still planning on doing our Femara+IUI cycle in January, so hopefully 2011 can start with some good news. I am, without a doubt, ready for 2010 to be over.

    _________________

    The blog title is lifted from the Modest Mouse song "Bury Me With It" from the album entitled "Good News for People Who Love Bad News". It's actually, I think, my least favorite song on that CD. So, I'm sharing another song from that same CD: Ocean Breathes Salty. Enjoy :)

    Tuesday, December 14, 2010

    Wonder

    On the TTC forums I frequent, there is a section entitled "Ask Your Questions to Our BFP Members." Recently I find myself itching to post there. Not about symptoms or anything exciting, as I never have symptoms. Or anything exciting, for that matter.

    I want to know what it feels like to see a positive pregnancy test. To feel that immense joy coupled with anxiousness. To know how it feels to tell Buster that there is a part of him and me all mixed together in my belly. Or what it feels like to go to your first ultrasound and see a little formation that you know to be a baby on the screen. How it feels to hear the heartbeat of the little being that was created out of love.

    I wish those feelings/emotions were bottled up and I could take some, just to see what it's like. I know it wouldn't be real, as I'm not pregnant, but I want to know regardless.

    ___________

    In other news, I think I ovulated yesterday. I did not have any O pains, as I rarely do, but today I do not have any fertile CM, which I have had the past 4 or 5 days. I'm just ready for this cycle to be over so I can start my next. I'm really hopeful for it, which could be my downfall. But at this point, hope is all I have.

    ___________

    I love this song. Colin Meloy is the lead singer of The Decemberists, and he is amazing. I think this song is about his lady being pregnant. If it's not, it is certainly what I think of when I hear it.

    Friday, December 10, 2010

    STFU Fertiles

    Happy Friday!

    I have nothing interesting going on at all. But, I submitted a screenshot to STFU Fertiles, and they posted it today! Here is the link to check it out. It is a screenshot of my Facebook, with identities blacked out, of course.

    Also, thank you all for your encouraging words and stories/advice regarding my new plan for the new year. I really, really appreciate it! <3

    Wednesday, December 8, 2010

    New doc, new plan, new year

    The consultation appointment with my new RE went...well. I have yet to form a solid opinion of him, however. He appears to be devoid of emotion—which, I think I'm ok with. He wasn't sympathetic, but he wasn't mean or abrasive either. I feel confident in his knowledge, and to me that is more important than him being overly sympathetic to my plight and being mushy and gushy.

    So we talked about my previous visits to that clinic, and also about what I've done in the meantime (I did two unmonitored Clomid cycles since I had been there last). He was looking through my chart, and apparently I had some blood work done in April of 2009. I did not even remember this. How sad! But, in my defense, I was still reasonably clueless regarding all things TTC, other than knowing where to put which body part. In the bloodwork from April of 2009, they tested my thyroid, FSH, and prolactin (I think that's what he said...?), and all were in the normal ranges. My FSH level was 5.8. I was pleased with these results, as I had worked myself up thinking my hormone levels were off somehow, and that must be to blame for my lack of pregnancy.

    He wanted to do an u/s, just to check and make sure I didn't have any cysts from the Clomid, and to see how I was looking. I am CD9, and had a follicle measuring 14.5 mm on my left ovary. Based on this, he thinks I will ovulate around Saturday-ish. I didn't actually ask for that information, as I typically know when I'm O'ing, but ok. We then headed back to the consult room. He then told me that to round out my testing, we could do a laparoscopy. He said that even though I have no outward symptoms of Endo, sometimes a micro-something(? can't remember the word!) Endo could be present. Also, sometimes when the extract peritoneal fluid and mix it with semen, in some cases it can kill the semen. But, this is a rare thing and probably not the case with me. He didn't press one way or the other in regards to the Lap, and I don't think it is something I am interested in doing at this time, as I have no symptoms of Endo.

    As for protocol, he suggested that I take Femara (Letrozole) on CD 3-7, then a trigger shot + IUI. His hope for the Femara is that it will give me 2-3 large follicles. When I did Clomid+IUI back in March, I only had one large follicle.

    So, this is how I will start out the new year! I'm pretty excited about taking a different medicine, but I haven't done my typical googling yet. I hope I don't find lots of horror stories. But, the doc did say that Clomid stays in your system, where Femara is out within 96 hours. I think Buster will be happy about that.

    Has anyone out there had experience with Femara/Letrozole? I'd love to hear about it!

    Tuesday, December 7, 2010

    The continued haunting of an abandonment

    On Sunday, Buster really wanted to take a nap with me. I’m not a big fan of naps, but I couldn’t resist him. So, I took a nap. And I had the most bizarre dream. Before I explain the dream, however, I would like to preface it.

    Earlier this year, I had switched to a new gynecologist. I really liked her. I was severely disappointed to find out in September, less than a year after switching to her, that she had resigned from the practice and was “unsure of her future”.  I was puzzled by this, and have remained curious as to whether she was in need of a mental break from the world of medicine, or if perhaps she is persuing ambitions to start up her own practice. The letter from the practice did not go in to much detail at all.

    The Saturday after Thanksgiving, Buster and I headed to the mall so he could get the worst haircut in the world. I’ve always warned him about getting his hair cut in a mall, but he doesn’t listen to me! Anyway, while I was wandering around aimlessly waiting for the lady to be done butchering my husband’s scalp, I see my ex-doc. She was walking with who I would assume was her husband. She looked really pale, was walking slow, and looked overly melancholy and even sort of depressed. This image has been haunting me as of late. I am concerned about her well-being, as it appears to me that she must have had some kind of mental breakdown. Her gaze passed over me, and she did not recognize me. Granted, she is used to looking in between my legs, but still. We went through a LEEP together! Come on!

    So that was that. Well, then on Sunday I had a dream about her during my nap. In the dream, she was back at the practice, but in a limited capacity. I was there, and I asked her why she was no longer my doctor. She stated because she only was accepting patients that she could help. She feared there was nothing she could do for me; I was a lost cause when it comes to getting pregnant.

    Talk about a slap in the face! I woke up disturbed and haunted. I’m really just not sure what to think of the whole situation. I probably shouldn’t think about it at all, since it was a dream. And all my speculations as to her mental health are just that: speculations. I think I will just try to convince myself that her husband is a brain surgeon and she decided to be a SAHM.

    _______________

    On another note, I have my appointment tomorrow morning with a new RE. Since I'm already a patient of the clinic, he has access to all of my information. I was thinking about printing out my FF charts and bringing them in as well. Is that tacky? Would that even be helpful to him, or would it annoy him?

    _______________

    Last night I spent too many hours perusing Etsy. I've looked at it before, but not really in-depth. O.M.G. I'm in love! There are so many things I want. So, up until Christmas, I think I will post one thing a day that I love/want/need! :)

    Gray Rose Earrings

    Monday, December 6, 2010

    Monday already?

    This weekend positively flew by. On Saturday, we went and got our Christmas tree. We went to a tree farm and Buster cut the tree down himself. It was a great experience! I felt like a kid. This was the first time I've gone and picked out a tree and cut it down. I will insert a photo of the tree here, but also at the conclusion of this entry I will post some more photos of some of my favorite ornaments.


    My company Christmas party was Saturday night. There were tons of people there, and I only knew about 10% of them, which makes for an awkward evening. Open bar, here I come! There was a DJ who had a voice like Barry White, and who played the shit out of group dance songs. I hate group dance songs. So much so that I told the DJ for our wedding that if she so much as played a note from The Chicken Dance song or the Macarena, I would throw her out. Well, Barry White DJ started off the evening of dance music with the Electric Slide, followed by that weird Cha Cha slide song. To me, these are adult versions of the Hokey Pokey. Just because you can follow directions does not mean you can dance.

    But, I digress. I realize that on Friday I posted that I would be happy with any prize. Well, that statement has officially bitten me in the ass! Not only were there all the prizes I had mentioned in my Friday post, but there were TWO Dyson Vacuum Cleaners!!!! Currently Buster and I have a Dirt Devil handheld vac. Yep, that's it. It is certainly a workout when I vacuum. So needless to say, I abandoned my wishes for a TV once I heard mention of the Dysons.

    They called my name in the second round of prize giveaways. It felt surreal, like a dream. I floated up to the edge of the dance floor, where the prizes were displayed. There stood a girl I went to high school with, who also works for the same company as me. She had a bag that contained pieces of paper with numbers on them. I was to draw a number and I would win the corresponding prize. As I nervously fumbled around in the bag, I told her, "I really want a Dyson!"

    The gleam and excitement in my eyes was hard to miss, and I know she was hoping I would win the Dyson. I drew number 33. I handed it to her, and she turned and gave it to the prize fetcher. As the prize fetcher handed her my prize, she said to the fetcher, in a disappointed tone, "She wanted a Dyson."

    I won a 3.5" LCD travel picture frame. 3.5"!!!!!!!! That's smaller than the screen on the back of a camera!


    I was the definition of crestfallen. I attempted to steel my facial expression, not wanting to give away the disappointment I felt. When I got back to my table, my co-workers laughed at me. So did Buster. Oh well. Maybe next year I'll win a good prize! I am going to attempt to return this picture frame to Best Buy and see if I can get some store credit!

    ______________________

    As promised above, here are some photos of my favorite ornaments on my tree:

    Old school E.T ornament from the 80s!


    Buster's grandmother who passed away when he was barely a teenager.


    Old ornament that the in-laws gave us. Buster remembers it from when he was a child.

    Friday, December 3, 2010

    Friday fodder

    Happy Friday!!



    I called the RE office today and asked to switch doctors. They were ridiculously nice about it, so hopefully it will be a smooth transition. I have a consult with the new doc this Wednesday. I'm excited to hear his perspective and see what he suggests. I am going to push for more aggressive fertility meds to accompany the IUI, and I hope he complies. After 3 Clomid cycles, I'm just not sure that it's the best route for me. But what do I know?!


    _____________________


    We are getting our Christmas tree tomorrow! I am so excited. We are going to a place where you cut your own, which I've never done before. I'm interested to see how Kelsey reacts to the tree. I think she will be scared of it. Tomorrow evening we are going to my company Christmas party. It should be fun, as they are giving away 60+ prizes. Some of the prizes include: 2 iPads, 42" tv, laptop, netbook, digital camera, etc. I sure hope I get something nice! Buster really wants the TV, as our 42" LCD TV has this really annoying glitch that sometimes causes a thin blue vertical line all the way down the TV. I'd be happy with anything, to be honest.

    _____________________


    After much research and reading, I have opted to switch Kelsey to Innova brand large breed puppy food. When she is old enough, I will switch her over to Evo (made by the same brand, but they don't have a puppy version). I feel pretty happy with this decision, regardless of the price of the food. Thank you all for your advice! I really am still tempted to try the raw food diet, but the thought of Kelsey eating entrails on our kitchen floor kind of makes me ill. But I think I will be giving her some big meaty bones as a treat from time to time!


    And on a Kelsey-related note, Buster's cousin and his wife (who are great friends of ours) are getting a Golden from the same lady we got Kelsey from! And...the pups will be half-sisters! They share the same dad. I'm so excited for Kelsey to meet her sisters! Yes, sisters, because we have decided to get the last remaining pup from that litter and give it to MIL for Christmas. It is a joint gift from FIL, BIL & us, and I know MIL will be thrilled beyond belief. So Kelsey will have two new sisters to play with! :)

    _____________________


    I love this song, and this video really captures the current state of perpetual cold that I am feeling today!

    Wednesday, December 1, 2010

    You can't pick your friends' noses.

    Is that apostrophe correct up there in the title? I pretty much don't think so, but oh well!

    My great friend Lisa over at The Pursuit of Pregnancy nominated me for this cute award:

    Lisa has an amazing IVF protocol upcoming for January, and I know she would appreciate any support! She has had a tough TTC road, and there is no one else I'd rather see pregnant!

    Now I get to pass this on to 5 of my favorite blogs!
    Alex's Adventures
    Blue.Bell.Beat
    Adventures in Infertility-Land
    TTC Fatty
    Removing Roadblocks

    Here are the rules: Link back to the person who awarded you, and then pick five blogs to pass on the award too. Make sure to comment on the awarded blogs so they know they've been picked. 

    __________________________________

    Now on to other things! My OBGYN (the new one, who I switched to after my wonderful doc all of the sudden up and left the practice...) wanted me to call him after the two Clomid cycles and let him know how they turned out. Well, I called yesterday and let him know that they were failures. He returned my call today and we had a nice chat. I'm really not sure why he called. He asked where I wanted to go from here, and I told him that we are going to go back to the RE in January and go from there. He was supportive, and also mentioned a clinic in Pittsburgh and another in D.C. that are great. I hope to not have to travel, but I will if necessary.

    __________________________________

    Also, if you recall, I had to take my poor, sweet little Kelsey to the vet a couple weeks ago, and that they diagnosed her with having struvite crystals in her urine, and a mild UTI. Well, Buster was doing some research and apparently the dog food I recently switched her to, Nutro, is notorious for causing these crystals, among other problems. I picked the food because it seemed to be a good one at Petco. Boy, I could not have been more wrong. You can read some horror stories here, if you want (there are only 109 pages of complaints...). I feel too guilty to read them, but Buster relayed some of the information to me. Seizures, pancreatic cancer... oh lovely.

    So, I am currently doing some research online, but I think I may switch her to a raw food diet! I'm just so leery of commercial dog food, and it seems like this is a healthier approach, and one that is more suited to an animal. If anyone out there has any experience with homemade dog food or the raw diet for dogs, please let me know! :)

    ETA: Here is a photo of the food Kelsey was eating. It is Nutro Max, not the other kind of Nutro (the more expensive one). I'm not sure that all varieties of Nutro are causing problems, but this kind definitely did:

    Tuesday, November 30, 2010

    I can only be decisive for a minute or two.

    Yesterday I was pretty convincing in my post, si? I was completely sold on the 2-month TTC break idea. I was at peace with it.

    Well, a mere 3 hours after I posted my blog entry, Buster calls me from work during his break. He tells me he spoke with his co-worker (the one whose wife is taking Clomid!) last night and yesterday they had done their first IUI. I was kind of floored when Buster told me that he has TTC conversations with co-workers. And they were talking about IUIs!!! How bizarre!! But anyway, he proceeded to tell me how they laughed about the paltry selection of materials in the jack-off room. After Buster was done recalling their conversation to me, I said, "Man, that makes me want to do another IUI."

    Buster replied, "Me too."

    Him too?! I couldn't believe it! I knew he was ok with doing the IUI before, but it had been my idea and he just kind of followed along, going with whatever decisions I made. After all, I was the one doing the research on the subject. But to hear him openly say that he wants to do another IUI... it was a moment, lemme tell ya.

    So we talked about our "break" and if we could adjust it to make room for an IUI. We decided, together, that taking the month of December off from TTC to relax and enjoy the holidays will be great for us, and that in January we will return to the RE and do an IUI, even though we won't have the dual insurance coverage. My insurance covers 80%, so that's pretty darn good!

    I would like to apologize for my wishy-washyness. I guess I should have forewarned you that I am, quite possibly, the most indecisive person ever. But, I can't ignore Buster openly voicing his desire to do another IUI! It makes me happy to know that he wants to try whatever we can to make a baby. So, bring on December and a month of not worrying about TTC!

    Monday, November 29, 2010

    some have crumbled you straight to your knees

    I have not been the best blogger as of late. At least I feel that way after taking a 3 day hiatus from blogging and reading blog updates. Oh, and I did not check my "baby boards", as Buster calls them.

    I'm really surprised that I am as fed up with TTC as I am, honestly. I really never thought I would "take a break". But, here I am, the day before AF arrives, wanting that break. Actually looking forward to it. As I have already mentioned, I will no longer temp. I know when I am getting ready to O, based on CM, so we can still make some sweet love around O time.

    Last night Buster and I had our "TTC break" chat. I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page, and we are. He thinks we should wait until February to resume really trying, and that works for me. I am still going to blog, although my posts may be a bit more infrequent, or maybe just not as interesting in regards to TTC stuff.

    But, I hope you stick around. 2011 pretty much has to be the year I get pregnant, for the safety of myself and everyone around me ;)


    _________________


    And today, I present to you the song for which my blog is entitled: Red Right Ankle by The Decemberists:

    Friday, November 26, 2010

    Black Friday overhaul

    As you might have noticed, I redesigned the blog! Not a total overhaul, but enough to satisfy my ever-changing tastes.

    Thanksgiving was great. I stuffed myself silly, and paid the price early this morning from 2:30 a.m. until 4:45 a.m. when I couldn't sleep due to my upset stomach.

    Buster is in the midst of a 4-day weekend, and I couldn't be happier! I have missed him so much, it will be nice to spend a whole weekend with no plans together. The only "plan" I have is to finish the 2nd Eragon book ("Eldest").

    I have officially stopped temping! I like not waking up 30 times to check the time on my cell phone to see if it's temp taking time yet. I feel a bit more carefree.

    I know that Monday is the "big" day for online shopping, but I couldn't help but buy some things on Old Navy's website. All their denim is $15! Plus I can get some stuff for Buster for Christmas for cheap! (I hope he's not reading this...).

    Ok, that's all. Nothing exciting, and lots of randomness. Happy Friday! :)

    Edit: This is my 100th post! I never thought, when I started this blog, that I'd have this much to say. Thanks for reading what I write. I can't even tell you how therapeutic this blog and the whole blogging community has been for me. Thank you <3

    Wednesday, November 24, 2010

    What I'm thankful for right this second

    I've seen several people receive great news today! And I could honestly not be happier for them. With all the good news floating around and the holiday spirit infiltrating my thoughts and mood, I caved. Yep. I tested.

    BFN.

    I am currently thankful for the $1.00 box of Mike & Ike's that I am losing myself in. I should stop. I am starting to feel sick...


    Doesn't it look like that box is throwing up the candy? That might be me soon.

    Tuesday, November 23, 2010

    Do you carry the words around like a key or change?

    I don't want to be cynical anymore. I want to be hopeful, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I have already made up my mind that this cycle will be a bust, much like every cycle since mid-2007.

    I've never seen a positive pregnancy test. Ok, that's a lie. I saw one once. I POAS a day after my husband injected me in the belly fat with a needle and syringe filled with hCG. It was a blazing positive. It was a cruel thing to do to myself, honestly, peeing on that stick. It fueled the fires of yearning.

    That was in March of this year. I feel as if, this month, the fires have been doused somewhat. Don't get me wrong, I still want a baby more than anything (I've said this before, and I stand firm: I would give my left tit to be pregnant, although Buster may not enjoy that!). But this month is different. I have no desire to pee on a stick. The past several months I have done this starting at 7dpo. I don't even want to do it at all this cycle. I'm so...exhausted. Exhausted from seeing stark white where I wish a pink line would show.

    I am jaded and cynical. I have even contemplated taking a couple months off and giving up my favorite TTC website. I'm not sure if I will do either of those things, but IF is wearing me down.

    In February, Buster's insurance benefits will kick in. This means that treatment at the RE will be even more affordable than it was previously. Instead of being responsible for 20% of the cost, it will drop to 10% and some things may be covered completely by our joint insurances. Should I give myself a respite from temping and charting and forced BD sessions, and wait until February to resume with the RE?

    This is the question I deliberate over this week of Thanksgiving.

    __________________


    And not for any real reason, or maybe just because I'm feeling a bit down. Here is a beautiful song that brings tears to my eyes. Bird Stealing Bread by Iron and Wine.

    Sunday, November 21, 2010

    Harry Potter and the Abysmal Dinner at Texas Roadhouse

    Good morning! It's 9am on a chilly Sunday morning, and I could not be happier. I will go in to detail in the next paragraphs, but I want to extend a warm welcome to any newcomers to my blog who may have stumbled upon it by way of ICLW. Welcome!

    Last night, Buster (I have decided to name my DH, simply because "DH" is just too plain!) and I went to dinner at Texas Roadhouse then went to see the new Harry Potter. Dinner was sub-par, unfortunately. We don't go out to eat too often, so a disappointing meal is quite a letdown. Buster seemed to like his ok, but mine was bleh. Harry Potter, on the other hand, was great! However, because I'm such a nerd, during the whole movie I kept comparing it to the book. When Buster and I got to the car and were discussing our feelings on the movie, I noticed that the only things I said were negative. "That part wasn't in the book," or "They left out this whole story line!"

    Overall, I really enjoyed our date night, regardless of the less-than-stellar dinner. Before we left, we took Kelsey over to my in-law's house. Because we were going to be gone from 7pm until 1am, we knew she'd much rather be playing with Buttercup (the in-law's Golden Retriever), and MIL loves dogsitting for us (she has stated several time she actually prefers granddogs to grandchildren. You can read about that here). I went and picked her up at about 8am, and I'm so happy to have her back! Here is a fresh, new photo of Kelsey, taken just for you! :)


    Reasons I am happy this morning:
    • My online-friend Nicole had her baby girl last night, after a long 2 day labor. I am beyond happy for her, and can't wait to see photos of the little one!
    • I got my little pup back this morning!
    • I have ZERO plans today. I am so looking forward to being lazy and staying warm and cozy inside with Buster and Kelsey.
    • Coffee
    • Eragon. I'm reading the first book, and with less than 70 pages to go, I'm really enjoying it.
    • Fragments and scenes from Harry Potter that are still floating around my head
    • Oh. Big one here! I haven't been obsessing over this TWW. I don't even know what DPO I am. Can you believe that?! I really can't. With Buster starting a new job, Kelsey and her mild UTI+crystals in her pee, I've just been really distracted. But, per usual, I am not having any symptoms. I'm sure that means this cycle will end the way they always do, but I'm not even stressed or upset about it. Surprisingly.

    Saturday, November 20, 2010

    50 followers & Kelsey update!

    I'm pretty excited to have 50 followers at this point. Thanks, followers, you have made my day! :)

    So, after an hour and a half at the vet yesterday, with some of that time spent trying to keep a raging pit bull from eating my Kelsey, my little girl has a mild urinary tract infection and crystals in her urine. The crystals in her urine are what is causing her to be peeing more frequently and peeing inside some. She is now on an antibiotic and some special urinary tract health food. I hope this clears it up for my poor little girl!

    Tonight we are seeing Harry Potter! I am beyond excited. We are also going to dinner beforehand, so it is officially a date night! We haven't had one of those in a while, and it will be nice to spend some time with my DH, whom I've missed terribly this past week.

    I hope you all enjoy your weekends! I sure plan to :)

    Friday, November 19, 2010

    If I am lost it's only for a little while

    It's Friday, and nothing will get me down today! But that doesn't mean the universe, or karma, or some higher power certainly isn't trying.

    Here are the attempted assassinations of my good mood:
    • My cousin called me several days ago to see if DH and I would be interested in joining them at the Culinary Vegetable Institute near Lake Erie for an amazing culinary experience. Every month they bring in a guest/celebrity chef and they make a fabulous 4-course meal using fresh ingredients grown on their farm. DH and I had nothing planned, and after I spoke with DH he gave me the green light. For some reason unbeknownst to me, I waited until yesterday afternoon to call and reserve/order the tickets. $55 per person, so not exactly cheap. Then, last night at around midnight, DH gets a text from his brother saying that on the same day as that dinner, BIL and his friend will be having a joint 30th-birthday celebration. I hate disappointing people. Let that be known. So, either way we go here, we are disappointing someone! I think we are going to opt for the dinner since we already have the tickets bought, and try to make it up to BIL at some point.
    • I'm fairly certain Kelsey has a urinary tract infection. She had to pee way more than usual last night, and two of those urinations (is that a word? I don't think so, but I like it!) were giant trails of pee, as opposed to just puddles. She is almost potty-trained, but when she does pee in the house, it's a puddle. Well, these were rivers of urine, one stretching across the kitchen floor, and another stretching from the kitchen into the living room. This behavior concerned me, as I've not seen her do this before. After way too much time spent on googling, I determined that either she has a UTI or she is almost in heat. I called the vet, and they seem to think UTI. I am taking her to the vet in a couple hours, so we shall see.
    • My friend/co-worker and I like to spend our lunchtimes either walking, shopping or eating. This week I have not been a good lunch-buddy. I had to bail yesterday because I came in to work late and was spotted by my boss, which forced me to eat lunch at my desk. I promised her that today I would bring my workout clothes and we would walk at lunch. Well, I forgot to get them ready last night, and in the mornings I'm always running late, so of course I didn't get them packed. I felt awful about it, but we decided to go to TJ Maxx and Target instead (not a bad swap!). We typically leave at 11:30. DH wanted me to call him at 11:30 and wake him up, which I did. Then he tells me that his back is killing him and really wants some Dr. Scholl inserts for his steel-toed boots. I told him to stop at Walgreens on the way to work. He responds with, "And purchase them with what money?" Well, yeah. I have all the cash right now. So, I had to email my friend and disappoint her yet again. I feel like such a flake, and I hate it! Sometimes there just aren't enough hours in a day!
    ______________________

    On a good note, however, my MIL would like to keep Kelsey overnight tonight, which is great because DH and I can sleep in and spend some "quality time" together! I miss him so much since he has started this afternoon shift. Every morning when I wake up, I go to the living room, turn on the laptop, and record my temperature on Fertility Friend. Well, when I did this today, I find this artwork left for me (click to see the larger image; you can read the fine print this way!):


    ______________________


    Thank you all so much for the lovely compliments on my bangs! I really appreciate it :) I'm really liking them so far, which is great because I was pretty nervous.

    ______________________

    And without further adieu, I give you Monsters by Band of Horses:

    Thursday, November 18, 2010

    Bang Bangs!!

    I got a new haircut yesterday! I've had the same hair forEVER! Long, dark, straight and layered. My hair refuses to curl, or to do anything interesting for that matter. But, I do appreciate the fact that it lays straight so well, and that I don't have to mess with it much in the mornings...just blowdry it and go!

    So yeah, I decided to get bangs! Like bang bangs! Not swoopy-to-the-side bangs. Legitimate bangs. And I'm loving them! It's definitely different and going to take some getting used to, but I'm digging them. DH loves them too, thankfully!

    A random lady I work with, whom I never talk to, came up to me today and was just positively gushing on and on about my bangs. I thanked her bashfully and then she said "They make you look sooo much younger and thinner!".

    Well wtf did I look like before?? Sigh. People are annoying!

    Wednesday, November 17, 2010

    Fertilization Medication

    Clomid is so unpredictable! Last cycle, taking Clomid on CD3-7, I ovulated later than normal (just by a day or two). I assumed that would happen to me this cycle as well. This cycle, I took Clomid CD4-8, and if anything I assumed I would O even later than last cycle. Well, I didn't! I O'd earlier by a day or two! Thankfully we had BD'd enough to cover it.

    I'm actually glad I O'd when I did, due to DH's new work schedule (3-11pm shift!). We are having an interesting time adjusting to this new schedule, and I don't know when we'd fit in babymaking. It's tough setting aside enough time for even the obligatory "How was your day?"

    I also did not take my temperature Sunday morning, because I slept in. And of course, that has proved to be the most crucial day. FF will not give me crosshairs because of this missing temperature. I was forced to go in and manually set my O date, which forgoes my coverline! Oh well. Not worth worrying about!
    ______________

    Last night DH made a buddy at his new job! Apparently, in their generic introductions to each other, the new buddy told DH that him and his wife are trying to have a baby, and have been for a while. So my DH says, "So let me ask you something. Does your wife take any fertilization medication, like Clomid?"

    First of all, LOL @ fertilization medication! Cute. I really don't have a second of all, actually. But the new buddy's wife has apparently taken Clomid and goes to the same RE office that I go to (sometimes). DH and New Buddy lamented about how Clomid makes their wives psychotic. I was actually not offended at all to hear this, and in fact I was happy.

    I'm glad that DH knows that I'm not an anomaly, that practically every woman struggles with her sanity while on "fertilization medication". What am I, a garden?! I guess I sort of am. Just the infertile kind. The garden nobody wants!

    Monday, November 15, 2010

    So please remember me, finally, and all my uphill clawing.


    A gloomy mid-November day is struggling against the clouds to hang on. It so badly wants to get dark outside, but a light gray is all that is feasible at this time of the day. It is certainly depressing, but the weather could be much worse. It usually is, halfway through November.

    I am getting ready to O. I had a slight temp rise today, but I'm not sure if that is indicative of O or not. I guess tomorrow's temp will give me an answer. DH starts afternoon shift today, so getting BD in won't be nearly as easy as it was before. I kind of hope I did O already, then at least I won't have to worry about it this week!

    This weekend, I once again struggled with facing my infertility demons in unexpected places. Saturday night we went to dinner at my parent's house. I sat upstairs for a few minutes and was just zoning out watching TV. It was Grey's Anatomy, and the episode where they show Addison's new practice. She was talking about her infertility. I mean, I only sat down for like 5 minutes. She could have at least waited until I got up!

    The other (kind of expected) show which had a slight infertility storyline is the Starz series Spartacus: Blood and Sand. DH and I watched this when it was on Starz, but we recently got the first season on Netflix just for a show to watch. I had forgotten how one of the main characters struggled with infertility. This is set back in old Roman times, and there was a scene in an episode we just watched in which a fertility shaman lady came to the infertile woman's house and performed some ritual to help her conceive. I wish I knew of a fertility shaman!

    I googled infertility therapist today. Of course, there is nothing of the sort in my area. I also spent some time looking for any other reproductive endocrinologists in the area, and there are none. Just one! How sad. Hopefully I won't need to return to that clinic after this month, but chances are that I will.

    And finally, I leave you with The Trapeze Swinger by Iron and Wine. It's a perfect song for a gray day!

    Friday, November 12, 2010

    all this time lingers, undefined

    Absolutely nothing happening with me! I had yesterday off from work due to Veteran's Day, and I had taken a vacation day on Wednesday. So, I effectively had a little weekend in the middle of my week!

    I was a good little housewife over my mid-week weekend. I made DH his favorite sandwich (which I had never made before!): The French Dip. Yesterday I made chili. Good food!

    I probably still have almost a week until I ovulate. I know I've said this before, but the wait to O is the wait I dread the most! Give me the TWW any day!

    I apologize that this is probably the most boring blog post in history. Hopefully things will get more exciting as I get closer to O!

    And in closing, I leave you with Left and Leaving by The Weakerthans :)

    Monday, November 8, 2010

    I have seen your heart, and it is mine.

    It's everywhere, and I can't escape it (wow, I totally just typed excape. I've never even said that, let alone typed it before. Gotta love Mondays...).

    Infertility is following me. Stalking me. Chasing, pursuing, hounding. I can't shake it.

    "Oh, some Clomid should get rid of that tireless hunter. No? That didn't work? Ok, how about some incredibly well-timed intimacy coupled with an Instead Cup or two, sprinkled with a dash more of 50 mg Clomid. That should defeat my faceless enemy! Oh, what? That won't work either? WHO AM I FIGHTING HERE? HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED?? EXPECTO PATRONUM, YOU BASTARD!"



    So yeah, that's pretty much me every 14th or 15th day past ovulation. Alas, my thoughts meander here.

    Last night was Boardwalk Empire night. I really like this show, and I look forward to it every Sunday. Last night, there was a brutal infertility storyline. It probably wasn't even that awful to anyone who isn't currently suffering. But for those of us who are, it was gut-wrenching. I will detail the scene below, but beware of spoilers in case you watch the show!

    The show takes place in the prohibition era, and obviously back then RE's were basically unheard of. Well, a housewife pleads with her husband to let her go to Manhattan (from Atlantic City) to see a doctor who can perform surgery to clear her blocked tubes. Her husband insists that if God wanted them to have children, he would find a way. She retorts with if God wanted us to die from [insert early nineteenth centry disease here] he wouldn't have produced the cure. She cries, and her pain is tangible. 

    I know this pain. I hate this pain. DH and I were cuddling on the couch while watching, and I'm not sure if he could feel me tense up a bit or something, but he proceeds to rub my hand and arm in a comforting fashion. That was almost more painful than wondering if I'm going to be the 40-something-year-old infertile lady sitting at her dining room table pleading with anyone who will listen for the chance at motherhood. It breaks my heart to know that my husband knows how bad I hurt. He knew, without any reaction from me, that it was a painful reminder of my body's failures.

    Sunday, November 7, 2010

    grandpuppies vs. grandbabies

    I know I'm asking for it with this post! DH doesn't like when I bring this up, but I have to vent! Last night we went to my in-law's house for dinner. Wait, I should probably back up.

    Ever since my MIL has known that we've been TTC (she's know for a little over a year at this point), she has made some comments that have struck me as, well, insensitive. I'm fairly certain that they aren't meant to upset me, but sometimes I just can't help it. Here is a compiled list of things in recent memory that she has said that have left me feeling a bit confused/upset:
    • When we first told her that we were going to the RE way back in February of this year, she said she didn't want 13 kids running around. Because Clomid makes everyone have 13 kids, right? 
    • On that same day, later in the evening, she told me that it will happen when God has planned it, and that her mother had her last baby when she was in her late 40s (Keep in mind that her mother had 5 kids before that one...)
    • We brought little pup over to their house for a long weekend for the in-laws to watch, and as we left, MIL says "Now don't think you can do this with a baby, just drop it off for the weekend!". Fine, if we ever need a babysitter for a weekend, I'm one million percent positive that my mother would love the opportunity to watch her grandchild for a weekend.
    • Several weeks ago we attended a big party for my MIL's brother. During the party, I stepped outside with two of DH's female cousins while they had a cigarette. One of them has four children under the age of 7, the other has Endo and has been told the only way she will have a baby is IVF. Kids came up, and Endo Cousin told Fertile Cousin that I was on Clomid. So TTC was discussed, and during this time MIL happened by. She said something along the lines of "Keep the grandpuppies coming, not babies!". She was obviously talking to me, as the other girls would not have puppies that would be her "grandpuppies'.
    • Last night we went over to MIL's for dinner. As we were getting ready to leave, I hear her say that she'd rather have grandpuppies than grandbabies. I pull a face at DH, but he shoots me a "look" and tells me not to let it upset me, that she is just joking because neither myself nor my SIL has children yet.
    Am I overreacting? Maybe she just says these things because she knows how badly we want a baby, and is trying to tell us that she loves us regardless? Who knows. It just really wears on me, and it's really dangerous ground to bring it up to DH, as he thinks she isn't serious about it.

    Friday, November 5, 2010

    Lucky ones...

    Happy Friday!

    We received some great news last night, which has successfully brought me out of my AF-induced TTC funk. DH got a new job! He interviewed for the job back in the spring, and didn't hear anything until last week. They called asking if he is still interested (um... YES!) and he starts Monday! I can't even put in to words, let alone eloquent ones, how excited and happy this makes us. It will give us some breathing room and hopefully cut down on some stress.

    I had decided to not do another Clomid cycle, due to the crazy hormonal psycho it made me. DH agreed, and said that when/if he gets this job we could try fertility treatments again. Mainly because he won't be around me as much to face the brunt of my bitch-attacks, but also due to money. This morning I decided, however, that since he is starting on Monday, and will be working afternoon shift (therefore not seeing my much throughout the week!) that it was safe to try another round of Clomid. I took my first pill today, CD4. They say the 3rd one is a charm, right? Hopefully that holds true with my third round of Clomid.
    ____________

    On a random note, most of my blog titles are from song lyrics. I have decided that when I do that, I will post a video of the mentioned song, just for fun. I'm kind of bummed I didn't start this practice earlier, because I have quoted MANY great songs. But in case you see videos every now and again, you know why!

    So without further adieu, I bring you Marry Song by Band of Horses:

    Wednesday, November 3, 2010

    looking for the patterns in static

    I really have no news! I'm currently on day 3 of my Atkins diet induction phase, and feeling pretty good! I may be imagining it, but I feel like my pants are fitting a bit better already!
    _____________

    So, Mondo didn't win Project Runway, as most of you probably know by now. What a complete and utter disappointment! I really enjoyed the season of PR though, and will not let Gretchen's victory taint that for me!
    _____________

     I'm feeling incredibly hopeful for my friend Lisa. Her pee sticks are looking incredibly promising, and I have everything crossed that this is the start of the baby she's waited so long for. She had a canceled IVF cycle and it turned into yet another IUI for her, but it may have done the trick!
    _____________

    I stumbled upon this post today, and it is an amazingly eloquent explanation of how it feels to be infertile. Plus, I am in love with her Golden Retriever pictured in the header! :)
    _____________

    I am not going into a political discussion here by any means, but are you finding that this election has left everyone crazy? My FB has turned into an explosion of arguments and finger pointing, and I'm so over it. As hard as it is to be an infertile on FB coupled with annoying political discussions, I think I am one more instance away from deleting FB. Which is big for me, as I count FB as one of my main sources of entertainment.
    _____________

    I found out about Dropbox today. It's an awesome free program that allows you to share a folder(s) amongst all of your computers seamlessly, and allows you to share files with others, even if they do not have Dropbox. Pft, who needs FTPing anymore?! It's great if you use multiple computers, or if you are in to photography or design. Here is a link to check out, if you are interested! :)

    Tuesday, November 2, 2010

    Cycle Day One

    Yep. I won't lie, I feel a bit sorry for myself. I'm really, really trying hard not to, though.

    So, I will post a picture of my baby girl. She makes me happy :)






    Edit:
    Well, I'm finding my mood getting increasingly bitter and depressed. I'm doing everything right, and my body just will not cooperate. I'm honestly not sure how many more CD1s I can face. It gets so exhausting standing up after being knocked down month after month. I know, it's only standing up, how hard can it be? And honestly (as many of you know), really fucking hard.

    Monday, November 1, 2010

    crying babies, feminism and pee sticks

    I just ran out to the post office at lunch to mail out 5 video games I sold on ebay. This post office is TINY and always has a long line. After I get in line, a few minutes later a mom comes in with her 4-month-old-ish baby. The baby was really cute, but I try not to stare at babies too much. I feel like the mom might get the feeling that I want to grab the baby up and run off with it. My looks of longing are bound to give me away! After a few minutes, baby starts to cry. I look around at the other people in line, and a couple older men kind of fidget, and I think to myself that they are probably annoyed by the sound of a crying baby.

    I used to be annoyed by that sound. Back before I was TTC and I would encounter crying babies in restaurants or airplanes, I would be aggravated. But now, at the ripe old age of 29, I yearn to hear that sound from a baby of my own. I was envious of the mom and her crying baby. Sad that I can't soothe the cries of my little one.

    Now, the simple solution to this problem is for new moms to just not bring their babies in public anymore, right?! ;)
    ________________________

    And now, moving right along... When I first saw the HPT commercial (I forget which brand) that states "1 in 5 women misread a home pregnancy test," it infuriated me. Mind you, this was prior to my obsession with peeing on things. It pissed me off that whatever brand of HPTs was trying to make it sound like women are idiots, and we can't tell if there is a line or not. Or if there is a plus sign or not. The feminist inside me angered, I vowed to never use that product.

    It's funny how today I can see how it happens. With so many faulty tests, evaps and indents, it's definitely not an exact science. I got an evap line on Saturday.

    Perhaps you can't see it, but it's there. It is quite faint, but I would be lying if I said I didn't get my hopes up a smidge. Well, after peeing on two other cheapie tests that produced no discernible lines, I realized that the above test was in fact faulty.

    My temp has dropped below coverline this morning, and AF should arrive tomorrow. It stings, but I expected it. I expect it every month.

    Friday, October 29, 2010

    Friday!


    Happy, happy Friday! My work day is almost over, and I could not be more excited.

    DH and I are hitting the town (ok, not really) tonight to buy me an Xbox game and some pumpkin beer! I'm really, really excited. I was going to buy Fable III, but DH suggested that since I've never played any of the previous Fables, I should start from the beginning. Fine, Mr. Logical, I will!

    In TTC related news, my temp went back up today. I'm hoping it decides to just stay up there. I am having some slight AF-like cramps today, which is perplexing. I normally don't get AF cramps until the day she arrives, and today is still several days early. So we will see.

    Stirrup Queens mentioned this blog post in the Friday Blog Roundup, and it is sooooo spot-on. And, entertaining. Especially if you were a 90210 fan back in the day. It describes life on Facebook for an infertile. Good stuff!

    40 minutes until my work week is officially over! Bring on the weekend :)

    Thursday, October 28, 2010

    random!

    Tonight's the big night! I'm pretty confident that Mondo will win on the season finale of Project Runway tonight. I'm really looking forward to the episode, but I'm sad that I'll have no more Project Runway to watch! :(

    In other random news, Mariah Carey is pregnant. I don't really follow celebrity news, but I remember a while back there were rumors of her pregnancy, and I was curious as to how she's hidden it (or tried to hide it, at least) for so damn long. Well, it turns out pregnancy rumors started two years ago, but she suffered a miscarriage back then. She did not say how far long she is now, just that she is due "in the spring".

    And in even more random news, I got new running shoes this week!
    It was a tough choice, though. I'm incredibly indecisive and sat in Finish Line for about 30 minutes staring at the above pictured shoe and a pair of Reebok Runtones. I'm just not sure if the "shape up" type shoes are just a fad worth buying into or what. So I settled for the trusty old Brooks. (In case you are a newer follower, here is where you can find out what happened to my old workout shoes.)

    I went walking at lunch yesterday, and there is a scale in the locker room (I do not own a scale, btw). I hadn't weighed myself in well over a month, and unfortunately I had gained 5 lbs. Hopefully these new shoes will help me to drop that 5 lbs and then some...

    Happy Thursday!

    Wednesday, October 27, 2010

    10 dpo

    My best tweaking could not pull much of anything out of this bad boy.


    It's getting hot in here...


    Ok, let me start out by professing my hatred for boy bands. I know, there is a picture above of a boy band. Why would I post their picture if I didn't love them? Well, because. That's why! Oh, I also hate Nelly (I think that's who sings the song referenced in my post title!).

    My temperature this morning was higher than it has ever been since I've been charting. 98.08! I'm not sick, either. And I wasn't abnormally warm. Could this be a good sign? Or an evil tease? Only time will tell.

    I POAS this morning, and it appeared to be a BFN. I wasn't completely convinced, so I took about a hundred photos. Unfortunately, I cannot do anything with the photos until my Adobe Creative Suite 5 Master Collection is finished installing, which should be another 20 minutes or so.

    Other than the above crap, DH and I had a big fight and then talk yesterday. He is fed up with my mood swings and bitchy behavior (as am I, truthfully). I haven't really been happy recently because I've been letting TTC dictate my moods and emotions, and it's exhausting. I have decided to start working out again, and maybe to take some beginner's yoga classes to help with stress. A great friend mentioned that yoga helped her with her control issues, which would be great for me. I'm a complete and utter control freak. It has gotten outrageously worse as the years have gone on, and it's tiring. Not to mention, I think my husband may be starting to resent me.

    So, my new "make myself happy" plan begins today, with a walk at lunchtime with my co-worker. It's a beautiful fall day, sunny and 72. The sky is blue, the leaves are colorful, and I am hopeful.

    Monday, October 25, 2010

    wishing for ignorance

    Ignorance is bliss, right? Some days I long to be ignorant again (in regards to TTC, that is!). This article was linked today on the forum I frequent: Women with O blood type may struggle to conceive.

    Can you guess what my blood type is? Well, it's O negative. If you guessed correctly, I owe you a cookie! At first, after reading this article, I immediately thought, "Oh great, something else to overcome."

    But then, reflecting a bit on my initial reaction, I find myself wondering why I think the way I do. I have been "diagnosed" with unexplained infertility. Which means there is no explanation (duh). So why do I think that this is something else I need to get past? I don't really know what the first hurdle is. Maybe, just maybe, this article is pointing me in the direction of the first hurdle.

    I've never had my FSH levels checked. I went in to my RE's office ("RE" that is) on CD3 back in March, and the only thing I learned from this visit is that they saw my corpus luteum, indicating that I ovulated. My great friend LisaB mentioned I should also ask about my antral follies count. I wish my stupid "RE" would have mentioned any of this stuff back in March. So, if this cycle turns out to be a bust, I will definitely be getting my FSH levels checked.

    So back to the title of this post. I find myself wishing for that time of ignorant bliss, of thinking my baby was just around the corner. Of not worrying about how my blood type affects my egg count. Of worrying what in the hell is wrong with me that I cannot produce a baby.

    Sunday, October 24, 2010

    Between the sunset and certified darkness

    Last night, the crazy in me took over and I peed on a stick. It was a BFN, of course. Considering I was 6dpo (probably) or 8dpo (possibly), this is not a surprise. I think I will take a couple days off before testing again. Or at least today...

    On another note, I've been incredibly bitchy to my poor DH as of late. We had to sit down and have a talk. It's that bad. I like to think it's mostly due to fertility medicine, but I'm not sure that's completely true. I think I am just feeling worn out by TTC. I know I haven't done as much treatment as others, but the temping, charting, obsessing is just getting old and wearing me down. And I don't foresee myself stopping. So the only way to cure my insanity is for me to get pregnant.

    Great.

    Friday, October 22, 2010

    when eyes can't look at you any other way

    I have mixed emotions in regards to telling friends about our infertility struggles. Many of them already know, and have offered some jaw-droppingly amazing advice. Ok, the last part of the previous sentence was dripping in sarcasm.

    But now I feel that when they look at us, they feel pity. They look at us with their fertile eyes and feel bad that we have not yet conceived. I'm not really sure what I was hoping for when I told them of our struggles. Sympathy? Pity? I don't really think so. I guess I just wanted to be sure that they knew that it's not so easy for everyone. 

    In the past week, two of the couples in our "group" have had babies. I am beyond thrilled for them! But I can't help the fact that it makes me jealous and wistful. And that results in feelings of guilt. TTC is a vicious cycle.

    Did you tell your friends about your struggles with TTC? If so, are you happy you told them?

    Thursday, October 21, 2010

    Happy ICLW Week!

     I'm excited to be participating in my first International Comment Leaving Week! If you stumbled upon my blog recently, welcome!

    Other than that, not much new to report. FF is saying I am 4dpo, but there is some debate on the forums I frequent as to whether I O'd on CD13 or CD16. Personally, I'd like to know so that I can start obsessively peeing on things. But even I draw the line at peeing on a stick at 4dpo! But 7dpo... that's a different story! ;)

    Wednesday, October 20, 2010

    and it came to me then, that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time

    When I see a new member join the forum I frequent and post, excitedly, about starting to TTC, it makes me wistful. Wistful for that time in my life where I was excited about TTC and the possibility of becoming pregnant. It was such a romantic and exciting time for me.

    DH and I decided to start NTNP a little over 3 years ago. Back then, we would lie in bed and talk about all kinds of things pertaining to babies, such as:
    • What if we got pregnant?
    • Would the baby have your eyes, or mine?
    • Would they baby have blond hair like daddy or brunette like mommy?
    • Who would we tell first?
    • What would we name the baby?
    And so on, etc.

    Excitedly I poured over baby name lists online and compiled our own name list. I looked at baby clothes and furniture. I thought about getting a bigger car for DH that had an acceptable back seat that could house a car seat.

    We didn't tell anyone for the longest time that we were TTC. I think my sister was the first person I told, and that was because we lived together at the time. I was one week late for my period, and I went and had a beta done. I was so hopeful. I had even taken an HPT, but it was a BFN. I thought it might be wrong, so I had the beta done. On the day the nurse called me, I already knew what she was going to say. I had started my period hours before she called. This was my first taste of the devastation wrought by TTC. It tasted awful. And bitter.

    Fast-forward to today. We don't talk about TTC/babies in quite the same fashion. Actually, we don't talk about a lot of the romantic aspects of it at all anymore. More like, "Oh, the test was negative " or "We have to have sex tonight, so be prepared."

    It honestly makes me tear up thinking about how it is now. I want to be excited about baby names and little clothes and telling my parents. But I can't do it. Part of me thinks it's some unattainable goal, much like winning the lottery. The other part of me knows it can happen, but is still too grounded to be excited.

    QQ

    Tuesday, October 19, 2010

    Mommy Week on FB

    Hate.It.

    masochistic tendencies & random bits

    I took a vacation day yesterday. I'm beginning to think TLC is the devil. Baby Story all morning! And due to my masochistic tendencies, I watched. I probably should have just gone to work.

    Today my temp finally rose to it's normal post-O levels. This temp still did not give me crosshairs, however. Bleh. I entered another high-ish temp tomorrow and it gives me CHs on CD16. I'm satisfied with that. Hopefully my temp stays up tomorrow to confirm.

    DH and I bought a $100 ticket to win a house. It benefits cancer research for children, and the house is estimated to be worth over $400k. I know we won't win, but I'm a dreamer. I wish I wasn't a dreamer. I get my hopes up, I fantasize about things that may or may not ever happen. When they don't happen, I am disappointed. I do this with practically everything, including TTC. It's so hard not to get my hopes up.

    Sorry this post is all over the place! I'm feeling scattered today.

    Monday, October 18, 2010

    fertility friend? more like fertility frenemy.

    I know, I shouldn't blame Fertility Friend for my bizarre chart, odd temps, lack of crosshairs and confirmed O. But... who else can I blame?

    I certainly cannot blame my puppy for having horrible diarrhea and waking me up 5 times a night during the most important temping days. She's way too sweet and pretty to blame for anything!

    Did I O on CD14, or CD16? It's like a riddle. This question should have been asked in the maze in the Goblet of Fire. Yes, I went there. Harry Potter. Either way, I'm assuming I have O'd by this point. The forced BD sessions are turning brutal quickly. Last night was not very enjoyable. Buster even used the phrase "flip over, stupid," but don't think he's a mean guy! It was funny and we both laughed. We were half play-fighting, half laughing during the whole encounter.

    I'm really ready to start obsessing over ICs. Maybe by the weekend...

    Sunday, October 17, 2010

    oh Clomid, you tricky devil!

    In most of my cycles, I have O'd by now. I'm currently CD16, and my pre-O signs are still here in full force. I am on my 5th day of fertile CM and of mittelschmerz. I am assuming the Clomid has delayed my ovulation, but who knows! Maybe I geared up to O and didn't?

    I realize there are definitely worse quandaries to be in. I'm just kind of ready to be in my two week wait.
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