Friday, December 31, 2010

The Funeral



On this gray, cold morning, I sit in my living room, in silence. I woke up early and got on the computer to check my typical sites (FB, email, TTC forums). I am feeling...here.

I am relieved that this year is almost over. However, I am apprehensive about the upcoming year. Will it be month after month of disappointment, just like 2010 (and not all TTC-related, either)? Will my wildest dreams come true?

Truth be told, I'm scared of the new year. Will Buster find a decent job? Will I get pregnant? Will Buster find a decent job before I get pregnant? What if I never get pregnant? Why has Kelsey been so damn lethargic as of late?

I'm a worrier. I worry about most anything that comes up. I think it is directly tied to me wanting to control everything. If I'm not in control, I worry. Because if I'm not in control, that's all I can do.

In this very moment, the weight of 2010 feels as if it is crashing down upon me. My heart feels heavy and troubled. Lingering regrets from years past are creeping in and, at this very moment, it is really hard to push them away.

Tonight, I will mourn this past year. We are going to dinner with a group of some family, some friends, and some fucking douchebags that I definitely do not want to be around. I am wearing a black dress, black and gray checkered tights and black boots (that I got on sale yesterday for $23!). I will be in mourning. I will drink to 2010, but only as an obligatory tradition.

But when the clock strikes midnight and the ball drops, I will kiss Buster, passionately. In that kiss will contain all of my hope, apprehension, excitement and curiosity for the upcoming 2011. And at that point, I will let go of 2010 and the rampage it has done on my life.

_____________

The Funeral by Band of Horses:

8 comments:

  1. Why is it that New Year's always involves dbags that you don't want to be around?! They are a required part of the celebration. Always. This is my least favorite holiday.

    Hope 2011 is better than 2010! Clean slate starts at midnight.

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  2. I love this post!! It is very deep, I really hope 2011 is better for you!

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  3. I agree with Annabelle. I like the truth of this post. Hoping that 2011 is the year where all your dreams come true.
    Ps- That outfit sounds cute! Im going shopping this afternoon. I have no idea what I even want to wear.

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  4. Here's to a much better 2011! Happy New Year!

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  5. Love you, Kara! I hope this year we have TONS to celebrate! :)

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  6. Hope the new year brings a whole lot of happiness for you!!

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  7. I had a "funeral" of my own this week (putting my old youthful preconceptions to rest)...trying to look forward at a time when the future is uncertain is so difficult. I wish you all the best in 2011!

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  8. That was an amazing post Kara! I love the picture, too. I feel so much from this post. I am sad for you, but I am also excited for you. I am praying that many good things come your way.

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