Friday, December 31, 2010
On this gray, cold morning, I sit in my living room, in silence. I woke up early and got on the computer to check my typical sites (FB, email, TTC forums). I am feeling...here.
I am relieved that this year is almost over. However, I am apprehensive about the upcoming year. Will it be month after month of disappointment, just like 2010 (and not all TTC-related, either)? Will my wildest dreams come true?
Truth be told, I'm scared of the new year. Will Buster find a decent job? Will I get pregnant? Will Buster find a decent job before I get pregnant? What if I never get pregnant? Why has Kelsey been so damn lethargic as of late?
I'm a worrier. I worry about most anything that comes up. I think it is directly tied to me wanting to control everything. If I'm not in control, I worry. Because if I'm not in control, that's all I can do.
In this very moment, the weight of 2010 feels as if it is crashing down upon me. My heart feels heavy and troubled. Lingering regrets from years past are creeping in and, at this very moment, it is really hard to push them away.
Tonight, I will mourn this past year. We are going to dinner with a group of some family, some friends, and some fucking douchebags that I definitely do not want to be around. I am wearing a black dress, black and gray checkered tights and black boots (that I got on sale yesterday for $23!). I will be in mourning. I will drink to 2010, but only as an obligatory tradition.
But when the clock strikes midnight and the ball drops, I will kiss Buster, passionately. In that kiss will contain all of my hope, apprehension, excitement and curiosity for the upcoming 2011. And at that point, I will let go of 2010 and the rampage it has done on my life.
The Funeral by Band of Horses: