Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The continued haunting of an abandonment

On Sunday, Buster really wanted to take a nap with me. I’m not a big fan of naps, but I couldn’t resist him. So, I took a nap. And I had the most bizarre dream. Before I explain the dream, however, I would like to preface it.

Earlier this year, I had switched to a new gynecologist. I really liked her. I was severely disappointed to find out in September, less than a year after switching to her, that she had resigned from the practice and was “unsure of her future”.  I was puzzled by this, and have remained curious as to whether she was in need of a mental break from the world of medicine, or if perhaps she is persuing ambitions to start up her own practice. The letter from the practice did not go in to much detail at all.

The Saturday after Thanksgiving, Buster and I headed to the mall so he could get the worst haircut in the world. I’ve always warned him about getting his hair cut in a mall, but he doesn’t listen to me! Anyway, while I was wandering around aimlessly waiting for the lady to be done butchering my husband’s scalp, I see my ex-doc. She was walking with who I would assume was her husband. She looked really pale, was walking slow, and looked overly melancholy and even sort of depressed. This image has been haunting me as of late. I am concerned about her well-being, as it appears to me that she must have had some kind of mental breakdown. Her gaze passed over me, and she did not recognize me. Granted, she is used to looking in between my legs, but still. We went through a LEEP together! Come on!

So that was that. Well, then on Sunday I had a dream about her during my nap. In the dream, she was back at the practice, but in a limited capacity. I was there, and I asked her why she was no longer my doctor. She stated because she only was accepting patients that she could help. She feared there was nothing she could do for me; I was a lost cause when it comes to getting pregnant.

Talk about a slap in the face! I woke up disturbed and haunted. I’m really just not sure what to think of the whole situation. I probably shouldn’t think about it at all, since it was a dream. And all my speculations as to her mental health are just that: speculations. I think I will just try to convince myself that her husband is a brain surgeon and she decided to be a SAHM.

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On another note, I have my appointment tomorrow morning with a new RE. Since I'm already a patient of the clinic, he has access to all of my information. I was thinking about printing out my FF charts and bringing them in as well. Is that tacky? Would that even be helpful to him, or would it annoy him?

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Last night I spent too many hours perusing Etsy. I've looked at it before, but not really in-depth. O.M.G. I'm in love! There are so many things I want. So, up until Christmas, I think I will post one thing a day that I love/want/need! :)

Gray Rose Earrings

7 comments:

  1. Dreams drive me crazy since there's no way to know what they mean... that's a bummer that they just left you hanging. Do you think your doctor is sick and needing to deal with personal issues? Maybe not a mental thing, but something else? I brought my charts in once and the doctor looked at me like I was nuts, but they actually helped the second time! I would put them in your purse and play it by ear!

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  2. Wow that dream would do a number on me too! But as you said it is just a dream so don't worry about it.

    I printed my FF charts out for my RE - it just shows that you know what is going on with your cycle and shows them that you are informed. So I recommend it.

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  3. What a dream!! I really hate dreams like that!! When I went to my RE i took my charts and he looked over each one. He said they are a good way to check your lp etc.

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  4. Whoa, that's crazy Kara! I can't believe that dream!
    I think it's a good idea to print off your charts. It only shows that you are doing all you can.
    I love those earrings. I better stay away from that site! lol

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  5. Crazy dreams! I hate trying to interpret them, because they could always go so many different ways...

    Definitely bring in your FF charts. If nothing else, it shows you're an active participant in your infertility, and you're a take-charge kind of gal - I think it sets a good precedent. Good luck!

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  6. I think that the dream, while a bit disturbing is more a reflection on how you feel about that Dr. I mean you say something physically wrong with her and in turn have sort of seen that as a reflection on yourself. Whatever's wrong with the Dr means nothing for your reproductivity. I think it's sweet you were concerned for her, but I think you're right, her sugar daddy wants her to be a SAHM and stop looking at VJJs! *hugs*

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  7. I know I should comment on the dream. I hate the way dreams make you feel. I keep having the one where I poas and it's positive. Every cycle. Like 48 hours before AF comes and ruins my ttc party. Sorry. I know how disturbing it can be. *Big hug*
    However, what I will add is that I am so addicted to Etsy I that think Josh is going to cut up our credit card and cancel our paypal. I. Just. Can't. Control. Myself. :)
    Cute earrings.

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