Friday, October 29, 2010


Happy, happy Friday! My work day is almost over, and I could not be more excited.

DH and I are hitting the town (ok, not really) tonight to buy me an Xbox game and some pumpkin beer! I'm really, really excited. I was going to buy Fable III, but DH suggested that since I've never played any of the previous Fables, I should start from the beginning. Fine, Mr. Logical, I will!

In TTC related news, my temp went back up today. I'm hoping it decides to just stay up there. I am having some slight AF-like cramps today, which is perplexing. I normally don't get AF cramps until the day she arrives, and today is still several days early. So we will see.

Stirrup Queens mentioned this blog post in the Friday Blog Roundup, and it is sooooo spot-on. And, entertaining. Especially if you were a 90210 fan back in the day. It describes life on Facebook for an infertile. Good stuff!

40 minutes until my work week is officially over! Bring on the weekend :)

Thursday, October 28, 2010


Tonight's the big night! I'm pretty confident that Mondo will win on the season finale of Project Runway tonight. I'm really looking forward to the episode, but I'm sad that I'll have no more Project Runway to watch! :(

In other random news, Mariah Carey is pregnant. I don't really follow celebrity news, but I remember a while back there were rumors of her pregnancy, and I was curious as to how she's hidden it (or tried to hide it, at least) for so damn long. Well, it turns out pregnancy rumors started two years ago, but she suffered a miscarriage back then. She did not say how far long she is now, just that she is due "in the spring".

And in even more random news, I got new running shoes this week!
It was a tough choice, though. I'm incredibly indecisive and sat in Finish Line for about 30 minutes staring at the above pictured shoe and a pair of Reebok Runtones. I'm just not sure if the "shape up" type shoes are just a fad worth buying into or what. So I settled for the trusty old Brooks. (In case you are a newer follower, here is where you can find out what happened to my old workout shoes.)

I went walking at lunch yesterday, and there is a scale in the locker room (I do not own a scale, btw). I hadn't weighed myself in well over a month, and unfortunately I had gained 5 lbs. Hopefully these new shoes will help me to drop that 5 lbs and then some...

Happy Thursday!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

10 dpo

My best tweaking could not pull much of anything out of this bad boy.

It's getting hot in here...

Ok, let me start out by professing my hatred for boy bands. I know, there is a picture above of a boy band. Why would I post their picture if I didn't love them? Well, because. That's why! Oh, I also hate Nelly (I think that's who sings the song referenced in my post title!).

My temperature this morning was higher than it has ever been since I've been charting. 98.08! I'm not sick, either. And I wasn't abnormally warm. Could this be a good sign? Or an evil tease? Only time will tell.

I POAS this morning, and it appeared to be a BFN. I wasn't completely convinced, so I took about a hundred photos. Unfortunately, I cannot do anything with the photos until my Adobe Creative Suite 5 Master Collection is finished installing, which should be another 20 minutes or so.

Other than the above crap, DH and I had a big fight and then talk yesterday. He is fed up with my mood swings and bitchy behavior (as am I, truthfully). I haven't really been happy recently because I've been letting TTC dictate my moods and emotions, and it's exhausting. I have decided to start working out again, and maybe to take some beginner's yoga classes to help with stress. A great friend mentioned that yoga helped her with her control issues, which would be great for me. I'm a complete and utter control freak. It has gotten outrageously worse as the years have gone on, and it's tiring. Not to mention, I think my husband may be starting to resent me.

So, my new "make myself happy" plan begins today, with a walk at lunchtime with my co-worker. It's a beautiful fall day, sunny and 72. The sky is blue, the leaves are colorful, and I am hopeful.

Monday, October 25, 2010

wishing for ignorance

Ignorance is bliss, right? Some days I long to be ignorant again (in regards to TTC, that is!). This article was linked today on the forum I frequent: Women with O blood type may struggle to conceive.

Can you guess what my blood type is? Well, it's O negative. If you guessed correctly, I owe you a cookie! At first, after reading this article, I immediately thought, "Oh great, something else to overcome."

But then, reflecting a bit on my initial reaction, I find myself wondering why I think the way I do. I have been "diagnosed" with unexplained infertility. Which means there is no explanation (duh). So why do I think that this is something else I need to get past? I don't really know what the first hurdle is. Maybe, just maybe, this article is pointing me in the direction of the first hurdle.

I've never had my FSH levels checked. I went in to my RE's office ("RE" that is) on CD3 back in March, and the only thing I learned from this visit is that they saw my corpus luteum, indicating that I ovulated. My great friend LisaB mentioned I should also ask about my antral follies count. I wish my stupid "RE" would have mentioned any of this stuff back in March. So, if this cycle turns out to be a bust, I will definitely be getting my FSH levels checked.

So back to the title of this post. I find myself wishing for that time of ignorant bliss, of thinking my baby was just around the corner. Of not worrying about how my blood type affects my egg count. Of worrying what in the hell is wrong with me that I cannot produce a baby.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Between the sunset and certified darkness

Last night, the crazy in me took over and I peed on a stick. It was a BFN, of course. Considering I was 6dpo (probably) or 8dpo (possibly), this is not a surprise. I think I will take a couple days off before testing again. Or at least today...

On another note, I've been incredibly bitchy to my poor DH as of late. We had to sit down and have a talk. It's that bad. I like to think it's mostly due to fertility medicine, but I'm not sure that's completely true. I think I am just feeling worn out by TTC. I know I haven't done as much treatment as others, but the temping, charting, obsessing is just getting old and wearing me down. And I don't foresee myself stopping. So the only way to cure my insanity is for me to get pregnant.


Friday, October 22, 2010

when eyes can't look at you any other way

I have mixed emotions in regards to telling friends about our infertility struggles. Many of them already know, and have offered some jaw-droppingly amazing advice. Ok, the last part of the previous sentence was dripping in sarcasm.

But now I feel that when they look at us, they feel pity. They look at us with their fertile eyes and feel bad that we have not yet conceived. I'm not really sure what I was hoping for when I told them of our struggles. Sympathy? Pity? I don't really think so. I guess I just wanted to be sure that they knew that it's not so easy for everyone. 

In the past week, two of the couples in our "group" have had babies. I am beyond thrilled for them! But I can't help the fact that it makes me jealous and wistful. And that results in feelings of guilt. TTC is a vicious cycle.

Did you tell your friends about your struggles with TTC? If so, are you happy you told them?

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Happy ICLW Week!

 I'm excited to be participating in my first International Comment Leaving Week! If you stumbled upon my blog recently, welcome!

Other than that, not much new to report. FF is saying I am 4dpo, but there is some debate on the forums I frequent as to whether I O'd on CD13 or CD16. Personally, I'd like to know so that I can start obsessively peeing on things. But even I draw the line at peeing on a stick at 4dpo! But 7dpo... that's a different story! ;)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

and it came to me then, that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time

When I see a new member join the forum I frequent and post, excitedly, about starting to TTC, it makes me wistful. Wistful for that time in my life where I was excited about TTC and the possibility of becoming pregnant. It was such a romantic and exciting time for me.

DH and I decided to start NTNP a little over 3 years ago. Back then, we would lie in bed and talk about all kinds of things pertaining to babies, such as:
  • What if we got pregnant?
  • Would the baby have your eyes, or mine?
  • Would they baby have blond hair like daddy or brunette like mommy?
  • Who would we tell first?
  • What would we name the baby?
And so on, etc.

Excitedly I poured over baby name lists online and compiled our own name list. I looked at baby clothes and furniture. I thought about getting a bigger car for DH that had an acceptable back seat that could house a car seat.

We didn't tell anyone for the longest time that we were TTC. I think my sister was the first person I told, and that was because we lived together at the time. I was one week late for my period, and I went and had a beta done. I was so hopeful. I had even taken an HPT, but it was a BFN. I thought it might be wrong, so I had the beta done. On the day the nurse called me, I already knew what she was going to say. I had started my period hours before she called. This was my first taste of the devastation wrought by TTC. It tasted awful. And bitter.

Fast-forward to today. We don't talk about TTC/babies in quite the same fashion. Actually, we don't talk about a lot of the romantic aspects of it at all anymore. More like, "Oh, the test was negative " or "We have to have sex tonight, so be prepared."

It honestly makes me tear up thinking about how it is now. I want to be excited about baby names and little clothes and telling my parents. But I can't do it. Part of me thinks it's some unattainable goal, much like winning the lottery. The other part of me knows it can happen, but is still too grounded to be excited.


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Mommy Week on FB


masochistic tendencies & random bits

I took a vacation day yesterday. I'm beginning to think TLC is the devil. Baby Story all morning! And due to my masochistic tendencies, I watched. I probably should have just gone to work.

Today my temp finally rose to it's normal post-O levels. This temp still did not give me crosshairs, however. Bleh. I entered another high-ish temp tomorrow and it gives me CHs on CD16. I'm satisfied with that. Hopefully my temp stays up tomorrow to confirm.

DH and I bought a $100 ticket to win a house. It benefits cancer research for children, and the house is estimated to be worth over $400k. I know we won't win, but I'm a dreamer. I wish I wasn't a dreamer. I get my hopes up, I fantasize about things that may or may not ever happen. When they don't happen, I am disappointed. I do this with practically everything, including TTC. It's so hard not to get my hopes up.

Sorry this post is all over the place! I'm feeling scattered today.

Monday, October 18, 2010

fertility friend? more like fertility frenemy.

I know, I shouldn't blame Fertility Friend for my bizarre chart, odd temps, lack of crosshairs and confirmed O. But... who else can I blame?

I certainly cannot blame my puppy for having horrible diarrhea and waking me up 5 times a night during the most important temping days. She's way too sweet and pretty to blame for anything!

Did I O on CD14, or CD16? It's like a riddle. This question should have been asked in the maze in the Goblet of Fire. Yes, I went there. Harry Potter. Either way, I'm assuming I have O'd by this point. The forced BD sessions are turning brutal quickly. Last night was not very enjoyable. Buster even used the phrase "flip over, stupid," but don't think he's a mean guy! It was funny and we both laughed. We were half play-fighting, half laughing during the whole encounter.

I'm really ready to start obsessing over ICs. Maybe by the weekend...

Sunday, October 17, 2010

oh Clomid, you tricky devil!

In most of my cycles, I have O'd by now. I'm currently CD16, and my pre-O signs are still here in full force. I am on my 5th day of fertile CM and of mittelschmerz. I am assuming the Clomid has delayed my ovulation, but who knows! Maybe I geared up to O and didn't?

I realize there are definitely worse quandaries to be in. I'm just kind of ready to be in my two week wait.

Friday, October 15, 2010

my brain's the cliff, and my heart's the bitter buffalo

Happy Friday! Today is draaaaaaaaggging by.

I love Project Runway. And I love Mondo! Random facts about me for the day.

Now let's get serious. I'm having major mittelschmerz today, so that's good! I've had some watery and some EWCM the past couple days, so I think I may O tomorrow, or maybe even today. I'm hoping that the O pain is a good sign, as I usually don't have any.

Last night we went to a friend's to watch the football game. We left at halftime, but by the time we got home is was almost 10. And because I keep the schedule of an old lady, I am usually in bed by this time. Plus, I had 5 beers (which is a lot for me!), so needless to say I was quite drowsy. But even in my sleepy-state, I knew we must BD. So I asked DH if he would "do it to me" and he agreed. So romantic, right?

But who am I kidding, romance is few and far between while TTC! Although one time last cycle I put on some lingerie just to get DH in the mood. Lucky man, right? And then last night, how could he resist my words?

I'm hoping for excellent timing this cycle. My biggest fear (ok, maybe not biggest, but a big fear) is screwing up our BD timing on a Clomid cycle. I don't want it to be a waste.

Tonight we have a big party to attend. DH's uncle is turning 70, and is having a party (for himself lol) at a downtown hotel ballroom. Should be fun! But, I fear we may be repeating our intimate encounter from last night when we get home. Oh well, it does the trick for both of us ;)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

were you sleepless, tearing at the air?

Last night was the second night in a row in which I have not slept well. I usually sleep like a baby. One of the first purchases DH and I made together was a Tempur-pedic bed, and let me tell you, it was the BEST purchase we've ever made. It is like sleeping on a cloud. A cloud wrapped in blankets and pillows and coziness.

Alas, as usual, I digress. My little Kelsey has been sick, and she has the runs. So the past two nights she has woken me up 3 times needing to run outside and go. Poor baby!

After I take her out, it usually doesn't take me any time at all to fall back asleep. The past two nights have been a different story. I took her out last night at 2:30 a.m. After I get back into bed, I toss and turn trying to fall back asleep. My phone rang at 3:45 a.m. with some dumb lady calling the wrong number. Idiot! I fall asleep but then wake up at 5 a.m. to take little girl out again. Just a restless night :(

I don't know why it's taking me so long to fall asleep. I'm not sure if Clomid can cause insomnia, or if I'm just worried about Kelsey. Perhaps a combination of both. It's really affecting my temperature! This morning it was the lowest it's been, 96.89. I probably should not have even taken it, as you are supposed to get 3 solid hours of sleep prior to taking your temp for an accurate reading. Oh well... as long as I can get some sleep later this week so that I can confirm O with my temps, I'll be happy!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Hot Dogs and Fall Leaves

Well, after a long weekend away from my computer, I am back! DH and I went out of town to my parent's cabin with my family over the holiday weekend. It was a great time! We had a hot dog cookoff, and let me tell ya... we made some masterpieces! Of course I'd love to share photos, thank you for asking!

In the above hot dog photo, we have the Welsh Dog (made by me!), the Poblano Dog (my mom's creation) and the Monte Cristo Dog (my sis's creation).

The Welsh Dog - Beef hot dog on a potato bun, smothered in beer cheese sauce (made with Irish Cheddar and Pumpkin beer) and topped with caramelized onions.

The Poblano Dog - Roasted Poblano peppers stuffed with hot dogs, battered and fried and topped with a red pepper jelly jalapeno sauce. This was the winner! It tasted like sweet & sour chinese food!

The Monte Cristo Dog - Egg-battered fried bun topped with thinly sliced pork hot dog, turkey and melted swiss and smothered in homemade Russian dressing. This one got my vote! It was delish!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

it's been ever so, ever so gray

The weather has finally broken. It was gray and dreary for a week. No sunshine. None! Don't get me wrong, I love gray. It is my favorite color. There are days when my outfit consists of 3 or more shades of gray. But the dreary weather coupled with drizzling rain left me feeling... hopeless?

I had a horrible morning. DH had a bad dream and woke up grumpy with me. Then, as I was getting ready for work, he fell back asleep on the couch and Kelsey shit on the kitchen floor. Lovely! So I'm off to work, and I stop at the convenience store (Sheetz) I stop at They know me there. Sad, right? Anyway, as I was waiting for the clerk to fix the machine that dispenses my cappuccino, my ex-ex-boyfriend walks in. We dated for 3 years back when I was 22. I broke up with him for another guy, and he has harbored feelings of animosity towards me ever since. You'd think 6 years would be enough time to get over it, right? Well not so much. He walks in and says to the clerk "Don't help her out," and keeps walking. The clerk, who obviously knows him from somewhere, laughs and then goes up to talk to him. I was going to be human and say hello and ask how he was, but he was ever-so engrossed in the conversation with the clerk. So I pay for my gum and coffee and get the hell out of there. What a douche! I'm so glad I got rid of him!

So, I get to work. Our parking lot is really narrow, so I like to back into a parking space so that when I leave it doesn't take me 20 minutes to back out of my damn spot. Well I pull up to get a proper angle for backing in, and notice there is a guy behind me on my ass. Since everyone practically backs in to the spots here, I'd assume he could see what I was doing. Apparently not. He tried to go around me from behind, which forced me to slam on my breaks as to not hit him. Perhaps he should try leaving a few minutes earlier in the mornings so he doesn't have to rush like a maniac. Jerk!

But back to the first sentence. The weather has finally broken. It is sunny and 70 degrees today. I see blue skies out my joke-of-a-window! I'm feeling hopeful and optimistic about my current cycle. I'm ready to make a baby!

Monday, October 4, 2010

whatever diferences our lives have been, we together make a limb

I'm feeling uninspired today. I have a dull annoyance in my head/neck that is threatening to turn into a full-blown headache. I woke up feeling incredibly groggy. I could use a nap!

But with all that aside, I started my Clomid today! I'm feeling especially hopeful about this cycle. I hate to do that to myself, though. To get my hopes up to see them annihilated in a couple weeks. But, for now I will remain hopeful.

Here's to a work-week that flies by and to some major growth in my ovaries :)

Friday, October 1, 2010

New month, new cycle!

I have officially started spotting, so I know AF will be here in full force tomorrow for sure. I knew I was out this cycle, but today is 16dpo and it's just been dragging! I've never been so looking forward to AF. I will be starting Clomid 50mg on Monday.

This weekend, DH and I are going to the neighboring county's Buckwheat Festival. I'm not really a fan of Buckwheat cakes, but I am a fan of funnel cakes, which they have at the festival! Here is a pic of Buckwheat Cakes & sausage, which is the favored dish at the festival:

I'm not really a fan because they are just too sour for my liking, even drenched in syrup! But it should be fun. I haven't been to any kind of county fairs in such a long time. I should definitely rock some fair hair, wouldn't you say?

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