Wednesday, October 20, 2010

and it came to me then, that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time

When I see a new member join the forum I frequent and post, excitedly, about starting to TTC, it makes me wistful. Wistful for that time in my life where I was excited about TTC and the possibility of becoming pregnant. It was such a romantic and exciting time for me.

DH and I decided to start NTNP a little over 3 years ago. Back then, we would lie in bed and talk about all kinds of things pertaining to babies, such as:
  • What if we got pregnant?
  • Would the baby have your eyes, or mine?
  • Would they baby have blond hair like daddy or brunette like mommy?
  • Who would we tell first?
  • What would we name the baby?
And so on, etc.

Excitedly I poured over baby name lists online and compiled our own name list. I looked at baby clothes and furniture. I thought about getting a bigger car for DH that had an acceptable back seat that could house a car seat.

We didn't tell anyone for the longest time that we were TTC. I think my sister was the first person I told, and that was because we lived together at the time. I was one week late for my period, and I went and had a beta done. I was so hopeful. I had even taken an HPT, but it was a BFN. I thought it might be wrong, so I had the beta done. On the day the nurse called me, I already knew what she was going to say. I had started my period hours before she called. This was my first taste of the devastation wrought by TTC. It tasted awful. And bitter.

Fast-forward to today. We don't talk about TTC/babies in quite the same fashion. Actually, we don't talk about a lot of the romantic aspects of it at all anymore. More like, "Oh, the test was negative " or "We have to have sex tonight, so be prepared."

It honestly makes me tear up thinking about how it is now. I want to be excited about baby names and little clothes and telling my parents. But I can't do it. Part of me thinks it's some unattainable goal, much like winning the lottery. The other part of me knows it can happen, but is still too grounded to be excited.

QQ

11 comments:

  1. I can really relate to this post. It's so tough to keep up that type of positivity over such a long time.

    In happier news, I love Mondo too!

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  2. It is so weird how there is a certain turning point in everyone's TTC journey that makes a couple lose the "magic." I wish we could all get it back.

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  3. I very much felt the same way and I also feel like my pregnancy experience is somewhat tainted by all that time I spent trying not to get excited and expecting the worst. I know it's hard to be hopeful for yourself, so I'm being hopeful for you. :hugs: It will happen for you and while it still won't make since even in hindsight, none of this will matter anymore.

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  4. Jess - At least Mondo is a bright spot in our lives!

    Sara - Me too!

    Kelly - Thanks so much sweetie! I'm sad to hear that you feel that your pregnancy experience is a bit tainted. I hope you can let go of the struggles in the past and really enjoy yourself and your experience!

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  5. *sigh* I feel the same way :( I started to get excited about IVF, but then that got taken away from me. It's hard to find that magic optimism and hold onto it. Hang in there my friend. xoxo

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  6. It's a weird place to be - wanting to be positive but not wanting to get your hopes up. Sort of a limbo. Every few months I peruse the list of baby names that I put together when we first started trying, almost 3 years ago and it's part torture, part non-reality. I know how you feel, too well... The good thing is that possibility is an element in all of our lives :)

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  7. I completely relate to your post, everything in me is starting to be unhappy ever since we started ttc. :( I hope that it happens for all of us very soon!

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  8. I can completely relate too. It use to be fun talking about trying to have a baby. Looking at bedding and baby names. Now you see that stuff and it makes you break down. I hope one day you find that happy place again.

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  9. I know this all too well. I think there is a loss of innocense that happens when you are TTC for a while. All of the fun and exciting parts get lost. For me, I even forget what I am actually doing. I feel like I am getting through treatments not really trying to have a baby some times. Thank you for this post for reminding me to remember what all of this is really about.
    P.S. I had to leave an online grp after a wave of newbies entered, I just could not deal with all this "it will work on the first try" statments.

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  10. It makes me a bit sad that the romance has gone out of the TTC for you.
    I hope you find ways to make it romantic and exciting again.
    Happy ICLW

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  11. Thank you for stopping by my blog. I'm sorry you're on this IF journey. It certainly robs you of so many things -- including romance. I have a few entries about that. Hope they will be helpful.

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