DH and I decided to start NTNP a little over 3 years ago. Back then, we would lie in bed and talk about all kinds of things pertaining to babies, such as:
- What if we got pregnant?
- Would the baby have your eyes, or mine?
- Would they baby have blond hair like daddy or brunette like mommy?
- Who would we tell first?
- What would we name the baby?
Excitedly I poured over baby name lists online and compiled our own name list. I looked at baby clothes and furniture. I thought about getting a bigger car for DH that had an acceptable back seat that could house a car seat.
We didn't tell anyone for the longest time that we were TTC. I think my sister was the first person I told, and that was because we lived together at the time. I was one week late for my period, and I went and had a beta done. I was so hopeful. I had even taken an HPT, but it was a BFN. I thought it might be wrong, so I had the beta done. On the day the nurse called me, I already knew what she was going to say. I had started my period hours before she called. This was my first taste of the devastation wrought by TTC. It tasted awful. And bitter.
Fast-forward to today. We don't talk about TTC/babies in quite the same fashion. Actually, we don't talk about a lot of the romantic aspects of it at all anymore. More like, "Oh, the test was negative
It honestly makes me tear up thinking about how it is now. I want to be excited about baby names and little clothes and telling my parents. But I can't do it. Part of me thinks it's some unattainable goal, much like winning the lottery. The other part of me knows it can happen, but is still too grounded to be excited.