Sunday, November 7, 2010

grandpuppies vs. grandbabies

I know I'm asking for it with this post! DH doesn't like when I bring this up, but I have to vent! Last night we went to my in-law's house for dinner. Wait, I should probably back up.

Ever since my MIL has known that we've been TTC (she's know for a little over a year at this point), she has made some comments that have struck me as, well, insensitive. I'm fairly certain that they aren't meant to upset me, but sometimes I just can't help it. Here is a compiled list of things in recent memory that she has said that have left me feeling a bit confused/upset:
  • When we first told her that we were going to the RE way back in February of this year, she said she didn't want 13 kids running around. Because Clomid makes everyone have 13 kids, right? 
  • On that same day, later in the evening, she told me that it will happen when God has planned it, and that her mother had her last baby when she was in her late 40s (Keep in mind that her mother had 5 kids before that one...)
  • We brought little pup over to their house for a long weekend for the in-laws to watch, and as we left, MIL says "Now don't think you can do this with a baby, just drop it off for the weekend!". Fine, if we ever need a babysitter for a weekend, I'm one million percent positive that my mother would love the opportunity to watch her grandchild for a weekend.
  • Several weeks ago we attended a big party for my MIL's brother. During the party, I stepped outside with two of DH's female cousins while they had a cigarette. One of them has four children under the age of 7, the other has Endo and has been told the only way she will have a baby is IVF. Kids came up, and Endo Cousin told Fertile Cousin that I was on Clomid. So TTC was discussed, and during this time MIL happened by. She said something along the lines of "Keep the grandpuppies coming, not babies!". She was obviously talking to me, as the other girls would not have puppies that would be her "grandpuppies'.
  • Last night we went over to MIL's for dinner. As we were getting ready to leave, I hear her say that she'd rather have grandpuppies than grandbabies. I pull a face at DH, but he shoots me a "look" and tells me not to let it upset me, that she is just joking because neither myself nor my SIL has children yet.
Am I overreacting? Maybe she just says these things because she knows how badly we want a baby, and is trying to tell us that she loves us regardless? Who knows. It just really wears on me, and it's really dangerous ground to bring it up to DH, as he thinks she isn't serious about it.

10 comments:

  1. Hey its Apples from 2ww.

    OMG. I think we have the same MIL. I've heard the same..'you guys can just keep having dogs if thats what you want' When we finally do get pregnant, i wouldn't be surprised if the baby had 4 legs and a tail on the ultrasound-it comes up that much. (OK, maybe not THAT much, but once is enough if you ask me :)

    I think (or like to think) the same as well, that our MILs have a funny way of showing support.

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  2. I dunno, I'd probably get upset as well, but I think it's like what you said. I don't think she's trying to upset you, or get in some low blows or anything like that.
    It's like most fertile people and the idiotic, insensitive comments they make. They're not meaning to upset us, they just don't know any better. Ya know?

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  3. You a strong woman for not saying/ doing anything in response. While I am sure she does not mean to hurt you with her comments, that is exactly what is happening. I am wondering if you or your husband could talk to her about this and explain how serious IF is and what these comments feel like to you. There are some great articles on the resolve site for friends and family that are helpful (I have sent them to my MIL).
    Good luck with this, so not easy.

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  4. I don't know your MIL obviously, but it kind of makes me wonder if these comments are her way of coping. Grandparenthood is affected by infertility, too. Maybe she's making jokes to convince herself she'll be content if she doesn't have grandchildren?

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  5. Some people have no clue how painful their comments can be to TTC couples. It took my mom about 3 years before she really took it seriously that we were having problems and to stop saying rude things. Hang in there and try and tune her comments out. Tt's not helping you TTC getting even a little stressed about it. :)

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  6. I'm so sorry, that's awful. I'm not sure if she realizes she's hurting you but maybe you or your DH should tell her. TTC is not a piece of cake and she better appreciate her grand-babies and enjoy them if you ask her to watch them! I'm having a similar thing with my Mom, she doesn't know we're TTC or having trouble but she keeps bringing up that I'll never give her grand kids if I don't hurry up! Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone and we're here for you!! Hugs!

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  7. I know that before I experienced IF I was utterly clueless. When someone told me they were TTC but hadn't yet I just thought, oh, good for you - how fun to be trying for kids (eek, now I know better!). I had NO idea of the painful reality. Chances are your MIL is just quite clueless... and then sometimes people want to reach out and have no idea to say ().

    I usually seethe for a while, then try really, really hard to remind myself that they don't know. For me it's been a good opportunity to share more with some close friends/family - if they know a little more, they can help support better.

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  8. Ick. I'd be super annoyed. And it is definitely hard to tell what her true intent is. If it keeps up maybe you should have a sit down chat with her... but I'd try to just let it slide. Some people are just like that, and no amount of educating them about the facts of the situation will make them understand, and no amount of telling them about how it feels (trust me, no one who hasn't been here can understand) will make them fully understand. Sympathize, yes. But not fully comprehend.

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  9. While in Hawaii this week, I saw an older man rocking a home-made/custom shirt with a picture of a lab on it that said, "Granddog!" Of course I have no idea what their situation is, but I could help wonder if that would be our parents, and if they had children in our situation. While I don't agree with how your MIL is acting, it is hard for them as well. I know it would take my father a lot of effort to wear a shirt like that!

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  10. Oh lord! I'm sorry you have to put up with that :/

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