Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Do you carry the words around like a key or change?

I don't want to be cynical anymore. I want to be hopeful, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I have already made up my mind that this cycle will be a bust, much like every cycle since mid-2007.

I've never seen a positive pregnancy test. Ok, that's a lie. I saw one once. I POAS a day after my husband injected me in the belly fat with a needle and syringe filled with hCG. It was a blazing positive. It was a cruel thing to do to myself, honestly, peeing on that stick. It fueled the fires of yearning.

That was in March of this year. I feel as if, this month, the fires have been doused somewhat. Don't get me wrong, I still want a baby more than anything (I've said this before, and I stand firm: I would give my left tit to be pregnant, although Buster may not enjoy that!). But this month is different. I have no desire to pee on a stick. The past several months I have done this starting at 7dpo. I don't even want to do it at all this cycle. I'm so...exhausted. Exhausted from seeing stark white where I wish a pink line would show.

I am jaded and cynical. I have even contemplated taking a couple months off and giving up my favorite TTC website. I'm not sure if I will do either of those things, but IF is wearing me down.

In February, Buster's insurance benefits will kick in. This means that treatment at the RE will be even more affordable than it was previously. Instead of being responsible for 20% of the cost, it will drop to 10% and some things may be covered completely by our joint insurances. Should I give myself a respite from temping and charting and forced BD sessions, and wait until February to resume with the RE?

This is the question I deliberate over this week of Thanksgiving.

__________________


And not for any real reason, or maybe just because I'm feeling a bit down. Here is a beautiful song that brings tears to my eyes. Bird Stealing Bread by Iron and Wine.

13 comments:

  1. *HUGS*
    It's difficult NOT to get jaded when dealing with infertility. I don't think anyone would fault you for feeling the way you do. We've all been there, or are still there.

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  2. *hugs* I can relate hun. I'm sorry you haven't seen those 2 pink lines for real yet, but it's coming. I am so hopeful for you! <3

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  3. I have only seen a BFP due to trigger too. It stinks! If you decide to take a TTC break for a few months you'll be in good company- there are a lot of us in the "On a Break Cycle" right now. Hugs!

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  4. I know these feelings very well. My only second pink line was from the trigger shot as well. Sometimes a break is a good thing. Good luck with whatever you decide and I wish you all the best!

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  5. Infertilty is so exhausting and even when we are on a "break" I don't think we can really stop our brain from thinking about it completely! Actually the most relaxed about baby making was the month right before I started IVF and I was on the pill. My brain actually stopped processing baby thoughts 24 hours a day because I knew that there was no possibility that I could be preggo. It was the first time in years that dh and I participated in bd just for fun.
    Anyways, it might be a great time to take some time away from this rollercoaster while you wait for the additional coverage from hubby's new job, but only you know if you will be able to keep it off your mind

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  6. I am with you, never seen a second line!

    I would absolutely stop charting. I could only handle that for one month, I just realized . . . every morning the first thing I think of is IF. When I was temping all days were focused on it bc you are forced to think of it EVERY monring.

    Thinking of you and congrats on the AMAZING insurance coverage!

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  7. Hugs to you. IF is mentally and physically exhausting. Take the time that you need to sort things out. Reassessing is a healthy thing to do. I wish there was a magical wand that could just solve all of this...

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  8. The sticks are evil in my opinion. I have never seen a positive one and really really hope I never pee on one again. It is exhausting. If you can stick it out until feb and if it won't stress you out more to wait then I go with wait. Good luck!

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  9. I hate HPT, they suck. I too have never seen a postive since 07 when we also started to try (even when I was pregnant, i never saw the pos).
    i think breaks can do wonders. Even though your head is still somewhat on babies, it does help.
    thinking of you...

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  10. I can totally relate Kara. I pray you get your BFP soon!!! Hugs!!

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  11. I think itd be a great idea to just go with it now, and in Feb. do the treatments at a wayyy better cost! on a happy note, TOTALLY Random i know, but last night i had a dream that you ventured up my way, and randomly showed up for a visit, and it boosted both our spirits!!! ;) odd for sure, but a fun dream

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  12. sending you love and hugs...
    i am also feeling weighed down..

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  13. Here for ICLW. The best thing I personally ever did was take a break from the medicated cycles, temping etc for a few months. When I decided to go back to it I had hope again which I think was the most important change. Good luck to you whatever you choose!

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