I don't want to be cynical anymore. I want to be hopeful, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I have already made up my mind that this cycle will be a bust, much like every cycle since mid-2007.
I've never seen a positive pregnancy test. Ok, that's a lie. I saw one once. I POAS a day after my husband injected me in the belly fat with a needle and syringe filled with hCG. It was a blazing positive. It was a cruel thing to do to myself, honestly, peeing on that stick. It fueled the fires of yearning.
That was in March of this year. I feel as if, this month, the fires have been doused somewhat. Don't get me wrong, I still want a baby more than anything (I've said this before, and I stand firm: I would give my left tit to be pregnant, although Buster may not enjoy that!). But this month is different. I have no desire to pee on a stick. The past several months I have done this starting at 7dpo. I don't even want to do it at all this cycle. I'm so...exhausted. Exhausted from seeing stark white where I wish a pink line would show.
I am jaded and cynical. I have even contemplated taking a couple months off and giving up my favorite TTC website. I'm not sure if I will do either of those things, but IF is wearing me down.
In February, Buster's insurance benefits will kick in. This means that treatment at the RE will be even more affordable than it was previously. Instead of being responsible for 20% of the cost, it will drop to 10% and some things may be covered completely by our joint insurances. Should I give myself a respite from temping and charting and forced BD sessions, and wait until February to resume with the RE?
This is the question I deliberate over this week of Thanksgiving.
And not for any real reason, or maybe just because I'm feeling a bit down. Here is a beautiful song that brings tears to my eyes. Bird Stealing Bread by Iron and Wine.