planning for the (hopefully not too distant) future
A conversation with a friend about tampons today made me realize that I don't have any.
At some point, after one of the ultrasounds where we got to see our (living) baby with a beating heart, I gave my sister a whole box of tampons. Because, well, I wouldn't be needing them again for 9+ months, right?
The cost of the tampons isn't the issue here, obviously. But when the memory of me giving the tampons to my sister popped into my head, I felt... embarrassed.
It was some sort of symbolic gesture. Me giving her something I wouldn't be needing for quite some time. For the first time since I was 13, I wouldn't be having periods.
And thinking back on that moment today, I feel ashamed and embarrassed. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I feel naive. And gullible. And stupid.
Add this to the ongoing list of things I definitely WON'T do if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again.
For shits and giggs, here is that working list.
THINGS THAT WON'T BE HAPPENING IF I'M LUCKY ENOUGH TO GET PREGNANT AGAIN:
At some point, after one of the ultrasounds where we got to see our (living) baby with a beating heart, I gave my sister a whole box of tampons. Because, well, I wouldn't be needing them again for 9+ months, right?
The cost of the tampons isn't the issue here, obviously. But when the memory of me giving the tampons to my sister popped into my head, I felt... embarrassed.
It was some sort of symbolic gesture. Me giving her something I wouldn't be needing for quite some time. For the first time since I was 13, I wouldn't be having periods.
And thinking back on that moment today, I feel ashamed and embarrassed. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I feel naive. And gullible. And stupid.
Add this to the ongoing list of things I definitely WON'T do if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again.
For shits and giggs, here is that working list.
THINGS THAT WON'T BE HAPPENING IF I'M LUCKY ENOUGH TO GET PREGNANT AGAIN:
- I will not be inviting my parents to an ultrasound.
- I will not be giving away my tampons.
- I will not tell anyone until I get into the second trimester.
- I will not be signing up for any weekly email updates about what size my baby is.
- I will not be signing up for any free subscriptions to pregnancy magazines.
- I will not go to Barnes & Noble and spend $40 on fancy pregnancy magazines.
I think my sister must have a list running just like you. She just started treatments again after losing triplets 2 years ago and we talk about how a new pregnancy would be so different. I think its going to be hard for her to enjoy a BFP because of the worries. Don't be too hard on yourself about how optimistic you were in the past - ignorance is bliss, they say, and you had no way of knowing what would happen.
ReplyDelete*hugs* More than once I have said to my husband I miss what it feels like to be naive about pregnancy. Sending you babydust and hoping that next time isn't too far away.
ReplyDeleteHUGS Kara! I agree with the list of things... I won't be doing them either... :)
ReplyDeleteMaybe instead of being naive you were being hopeful. Heck always keep the tampons, you could have had a severe nose bleed :)
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and hoping for the best on your journey.
For the record, your list is pretty spot on, the only one off your list that I have done is telling people. I still told my family and friends at around 7 weeks because if the same thing were to happen again I would need them there. And that week leading up to the milestone of losing the baby is pure torture, you will need someone to talk to. I don't know if I'll ever make a Facebook announcement like I did last time or tell random people like my dentist unless I have to. But Just like everyone keeps telling me it does gradually get a little easier and a little less worrisome with each passing week but you'll never be as optimistic as you were with that first one and it's just a sad fact about miscarriage that you have to accept.
ReplyDeleteWishing you lots of luck on your future pregnancy!
I completely understand how you feel.. I didn't announce my pregnancy to anyone (except my immediate family) until I was in my second trimester.. After all of my miscarriages, I was so cautious.. Also, I didn't subscribe to any websites until the 2nd trimester either.. Learned my lesson on that :( The great thing is, you KNOW you CAN get pregnant now, so that is awesome!!! Timing is everything, and I know it will happen for you guys :) I'm glad you're doing better each day!!
ReplyDeleteYeah, it's a double-edged sword. I'm always scared and waiting for the shoe to drop, which is not such a good way to approach a pregnancy. Regardless, it does get better and it will happen for you.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard that seemingly random things trigger such powerful emotional responses, and it's really hard to predict (and therefore avoid) it.
ReplyDeleteAlso, another use for tampons: we used to use them at camp to help start camp fires - they work for kindling because they catch quickly and burn for a really long time!
Great post and great list. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteUmmm...yeah, I am right there with you. I am lucky enough that I forgot that I was going to give my sister all my tampons. Not that she needs them now that she is pregnant...
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, I know all the things you are saying because I feel them too. It sucks we can't just be open pregnant people. The fear is so great that we don't feel comfortable throwing around the things that we should have the right to experience.
I love your posts because they are just so brutally honest and genuine. I was just thinking about you this morning and thinking about how incredibly similar our journeys have been, especially over the past 3 months. By going through this I'm really realizing how strong we all are who have to deal with IF and a loss. I'm hoping that I'll be lucky enough to follow your footsteps to another pregnancy...and a successful 9 months this time!!
ReplyDeleteThat is my exact list, plus a few. I will not even mention baby names. I will not look up a due date. I will not download the babycenter app on my phone. I will not start looking at maternity clothes online. It makes me feel superstitious and like I'm crazy, but it also makes me feel calmer.
ReplyDeleteTampons could plug a hole in a leaking water pipe? Or maybe as a paintbrush in a pinch.
Do not feel embarrassed. I've had a miscarriage before this one so you would think that I knew better, but I took all the pads I had out of my purse when I saw that heartbeat. Of course, at the OB after my last appointment when I was miscarrying when I really needed one I had nothing...and let's just say the rinky dink things they had in the little exam room were totally inadequate.
ReplyDeleteIgnorance is bliss. I hate that that's been taken from you. When I got pregnant again, I didn't sign up for weekly emails...instead, I went to about three different sites each week. I always felt like I was sneaking around, looking at something forbidden. But I did tell my parents right away. My first pg, we wanted to wait to tell. When i m/c, I had to tell my folks....and it sucked that the way they found out about their grandbaby was after it already was an angel. Felt like I robbed them of the joy. Just another perspective. When..yes, WHEN the time comes again, you'll know what is best for you and your hubby.
ReplyDeleteKara, I know how you feel. I wrapped up a positive pregnancy test for Christmas for my parents. We celebrated Christmas like never before. I cringe when I think of that wrapped up test, even when I see the gifts I got that day. A few weeks later, after I miscarried my second baby, and I was pregnant with my 3rd, I did nothing. I wouldnt even let myself acknowledge my pregnancy, the beautiful thing it was. I almost resented it. I researched adoption and DH and I filled out paperwork to get the process started. I was convinced I would miscarry again and I was DONE with it all. I was positive she would leave me at any minute. I was angry all the time. I didn't enjoy a minute of it until 20 weeks.
ReplyDeleteNow I look back on those adoption papers ( I still have), and I feel awful. Its worse than what I feel about those Christmas presents. Like I gave up on her before ever giving her a chance. And she is here and I doubted her. I understand your embarrassment, I have been there. But my advice, if you want it, is to try so hard to keep that level of happiness. My m/c ruined more than one pregnancy, and as much as I dont know how I could have changed it, if I could go back and do it again, I would.
I have a similar list. I think after going through a loss, or infertility for that matter, you lose the naivety of pregnancy that most people never really think about. It all comes down to the fact that we know that in a few moments everything can change. A lot of people are going to give you their opinions on what to do and what not to do regarding this process. What you need to do is what is best for you. And if that means making lists and sticking with them in order to give you some sense of sanity, do it.
ReplyDeleteI wish your innocence hadn't been taken away. This shouldn't happen to anyone. I wish we could all just be more care-free. I definitely understand why you must be more cautious next time. Because there definitely will be a next time, and I pray the outcome will be beautiful. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I know you are a huge help & a blessing to many people.
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I hate that this happens. I felt the same way after my loss. The first time you get pregnant you take a running leap into the pool so to speak. The pregnancy after a loss you are walking around the pool, dipping a toe in here and there after many a pep talk to yourself. Eventually you walk in the pool and closer to the deep end where you can finally submerge yourself completely if you ever really can. It is different for sure, but it can still be wonderful and beautiful if you allow yourself. I hope that you can eventually get there. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this post so intensely that I feel I may have wrote it. I gave my tampons to my best friend when I was PG and I distinctly remember her saying "Are you sure you dont want them just in case?" I play it over and over in my head. Of course at that time I was 12 weeks PG and had no idea the road that was ahead of me. But even to this day I'm embarassed by it and hurt that she said that and it ended up being true. Don't worry Kara our day will come and we'll burn those F'in tampons!
ReplyDeleteI ceremoniously packed mine into the back of the closet and told my dog "I won't need these for a LONG time!". When the m/c happened and I started to bleed I had to dig through the closet and pull them out and it was like a punch in the gut. Really every memory of "when I was pregnant" that came back as I was going through life "after", was like a punch in the gut. I like your list.
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