Tuesday, January 10, 2012

oh yeah, i'm totally fine

I wake up feeling great. Well, maybe not great, but really good.

I feel positive.

My day goes on. Things happen. Things like a million pregnancy/baby/kid posts on Facebook. Things like me stalking the August Due Date club I had joined. Things like me being masochistic and depressing myself.

So by the time I fight traffic, get gas, and get home, my mood is not good.

And that's what Buster gets to deal with. The shattered, emotionally-drained me. Not the positive, feeling-pretty-good me. And I know that's hard for him.

Like any good husband, he hates seeing his wife unhappy. He feels helpless because he cannot cheer me up. He works hard trying to keep my spirits good, and it is wearing him out.

Yesterday when I got home, he said that he doesn't want to deal with it anymore.

After a couple deep breaths, I said that I also do not want to deal with it. At all. I wish I could erase the past three months and all the memories and all the happiness and sadness, and everything in between. Eternal Sunshine style.

And something I said resonated, because then he apologized. And I apologized for not being the best me of the day when I'm at home. That's where I want to be my best me. Not when I'm in front of a computer screen in an office, alone.

This is hard. Not only experiencing a loss and dealing with the emotional ramifications, but carrying on relationships, especially the most important one. Trying to find a balance between grieving but also maintaining your life and love.

Most of the time I feel alone.

__________________

I am really considering taking a FaceBreak. My FB feed could not be anymore baby-centric, and I'm not sure it is doing anything positive for me at the moment. Actually, I know it's contributing to my less-than-stellar moods. I hate that it's such a big decision, that I really need to think about it. Why can't I just step away? I'd love to not have to deal with it.

22 comments:

  1. I hear on the baby front - it seems like EVERYONE my age is pregnant... But me (and you and other infertiles - yuck I just classified us - they should come up with another name). Chin up! This is all soo fresh, soon it will start to fade!

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  2. The husband thing is hard. They are hurting too, but it's such a different kind of hurt that I know they just can't understand. At first we cried together, spent days doing nothing but feeling sad...together. But then I started to feel like he was so busy trying to make me feel better and be the "strong one" that he didn't get a chance to really be sad the way he needed to and I quit talking to him about how sad I was. At some point there was a melt down and at some point it also just got easier. Lots of hugs and prayers to you.

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  3. After spending a day at work, I am completely exhausted. I spend the day being "fine" for everyone I interact with here and forcing myself to get at least a little bit of work done. By the time I walk in the door at home I am completely exhausted and only have energy for a hello, how was your day before the tears start.

    I've also thought about running away from facebook. I know there is a way to temporarily deactivate the account, I just don't know how to do it. Every morning I say I'm not looking at it today, but for some reason I can't stop.

    And, I'm also still stalking my August birth club group. Really, it's like we're the same person.

    Hoping today is a little better than yesterday for you.

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  4. I don't blame you about FB - it's a terrible reminder of what everyone else has, or having that you are not. Recently, I especially liked the one where my friend came on to tell the FB'ing world that she was indeed pg with identical twin girls after an oops on BCP. really....

    There are days I tell myself no more and something always pulls me back in, it's like a virtual torture chamber. Be strong for all of us and don't peek at those pics, status updates, etc. You will feel better for it, cleanse yourself and be the strong person that I know you are.

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  5. I'm sorry. I wish I could do/say more.
    Maybe look into a local group for loss?
    I hope things get better.
    You are so strong!

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  6. *Hugs* I feel like I could have written your post. I am having such a hard time being "me" at home because I am "fine" at the office all day long. There are glimpses of the normal happy me during the weekends. Take good care of you.

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  7. I'm really glad he apologized because, y'know, it's been a WEEK. I was about to jump down out of the bloggosphere and flick him in the head. Aside from the shittiness of the loss, your body is still reeling with hormones, with constant reminders that he doesn't have.

    I know it's hard and that men and women process things differently. I know it's hard when your spouse is used to you being one way and then you're suddenly different. I know it's hard to get the shit-end of your spouse's day all the time.

    But there is no timeline for healing.

    My loss was an early one, but honestly, it hit me very hard and I was not myself for months. The first month I sobbed every day. At work, at home, in the grocery store. The second month I had some better days. But even at the third month, I would have a bad day, go home and curl up on Hubby and cry. Certain dates still make me sad; it's a part of me now. Learning to accept it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

    Yes, Eternal Sunshine sounds so lovely sometimes.

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  8. I'm sorry this is so rough, but you know what, it's supposed to be. You lost your baby, your hopes, your dreams. You need to allow yourself to grieve and to experience all these emotions, and you need to be okay with needing to grieve. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be crabby. It's okay to be a bitch at times. You experienced something heart-wrenching, and nobody should expect you to "get over it" in a week. Please take care of yourself and let yourself feel these emotions. They WILL get better.... And please do what is best for you, in regards to facebook, TWW, etc. We all just want you to have time to heal!

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  9. Go for it...take the FaceBreak. I finally did it at the end of October and haven't looked back!

    I was feeling the same way you were - too many posts that would make me upset, angry, sad, bitter, etc. I was always worrying about who was going to make the next pregnancy announcement. And seeing the baby pictures is the worst of all.

    My account is still active in case I ever decide to go back. But for now, it feels so good. It was weird at first, but after a week I got used to it and I don't miss it at all!

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  10. Wanted to send you hugs. If you need a break from face.book...then you should do it. Take care of yourself.

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  11. I just want you to know that you are not alone and that there is no timeline for grieving or healing, but mostly, that you are not alone. Thinking of you.

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  12. I can so relate to the whole relationship part and not being the best you once you're home. It takes time and even with time the pain doesn't go away.
    With regards to FB I saw take a break of you need one. I took a couple months hiatus and came back to the same old stuff. It's not going anywhere. Take the time to heal and concentrate on you.

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  13. Oh, sweetie. The thing is, grief is complicated. You might think you're "fine" and "ok," but that doesn't mean the very real, messy and sometimes ugly parts of grief won't make an appearance, usually when you least expect it.

    You might remind your husband - gently, if possible, or with emphasis if he's being a butt - that it is NOT his job to make you happy. It's not his job to make this loss ok. It's not ok. It doesn't need to be ok...and neither do you. You will get there on your own time, when you're ready. Nothing anyone does or says will speed that up for you. (Truth: some things others say/do - or don't say/do - can *slow* down your grief process...just speaking from experience. Slow is not good.) As for FB, yes, take a break if you think that will help. I "hid" my pregnant SIL's posts so they no longer show up in my feed. I'm getting more ok with her pregnancy - sometimes - but can't figure out how to turn her posts back on, so if I want to know, I have to go looking for her. And FWIW, I lost my twins over 5 months ago and have continued to check in on my (former) fellow twin moms on my old birth board. I was "first in line" to deliver - tomorrow I would be full term, in fact - and have watched them all continue, and most deliver prematurely. It's been painful to watch. If you can, you might want to wean yourself of stalking that board, too.

    Sending you great, big hugs.

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  14. I feel the same. I'm fine all day, for the most part, but sometime between the twins getting off the bus and my husband coming home, a dark mood sets in and I start to feel melancholy. I'm not crying and miserable, but I'm not smiling and talkative either. I seem to spend the rest of the night that way after the kids are in bed, sad and keeping to myself. I'm sure my husband is sick to death of the 'sad' me, too, but to be honest I would rather him get the brunt of it than be sad all day or mopey w the kids.

    I think that guys in general are in a hurry to push past the grief. They are sad too, they just bottle it in and it comes out after...sometimes months after, I've found.

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  15. Oh gosh, it is SO hard to carry on relationships after a miscarriage. I'm glad your husband is so understanding (most of the time). I can only imagine how hard it is for them when they see us so hurt and they try to be strong for us, yet they are hurting so much themselves. And, at least for me, I just wanted him to take care of me and make me feel better somehow, someway. Just continue to talk and validate each other. It's what got DH and I through it 4 times. You WILL come out stronger, both of you individually and as a couple.

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  16. fb is a bitch at the best of times anyway, can you not hide the main offenders? (ok, no minifeed left!)

    Its hard. Its really fucking hard, and its hard for Buster to watch and not be able to fixit. And he has his own grief too, but its a different flavour to your. But grief all the same.
    I can relate to the 'feeling alone', I remember not feeling like Mr Stinky, or anyone else, 'got' this or felt even a fraction of how shitty it was. I remember literally spelling out one thing that cropped up a few times, and the 'feeling you should be over it' even if you know and everyone else is telling you it 'takes time', thats a real pisser. A midwife told me after my 2nd loss that this will come up and bite me on the bum when I least expect it - she was spot on. Complete fucking rollercoaster, being pelted with rotten eggs from left field all the while.

    Getting up and starting the day just sometimes feels like an invite to get knocked back down again. Several times. Everything is wide open and hurty, and turned up several notches. I have no answers for how to get through it, I just kinda stumbled through it and did the best I could. I think we all do - if there was an easy way, someone would be very rich. To your "eternal Sunshine' moments, I just wanted to switch off my brain for a day or two. At that point,. I told anyone who wanted to listen that I could quite understand, at this point, why people became addicted to painkillers/heroin etc, if it just switched you off for a bit (I have never tried smack, but if someone had put it in front of me there and then, I would have). Crazy, but honest/real.


    Keep writing, keep talking, even if it all turns to custard - this is different emotional territory for you guys.
    Sending hugs and goodthoughts

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  17. My husband was the same way Kara. He'd come home from work and so would I and I would be just the most miserable person on the planet! It was intentional and it's almost unavoidable. They are hurting also, a lot. They don't show it and they keep it bottled up, well at least mine did. And then we fought because I thought he didn't care because he wouldn't talk about it and I needed to talk. I almost think it affects the guys just as hard because they have to deal with us and themselves. Just keep the communication up ;)

    I get the FB thing. I really really do... It was the worst after my m/c. I still want to scream and rant at people for posting so much about their kids. "Oh my baby pooped, it ate, it's soooo cute"....OMFG. I want to tell people to just STFU. Still. It seems like everyone is getting pregnant now... easily and quickly. I still want to kick people in the shins when they say "oh we tried for 5 months" WTF, no you didn't. LOL...

    Maintaining the relationships most important to you will be a challenge. Maybe not so much with your husband, but also the friends with kids, those who get pregnant and those who get pregnant not wanting to. It's different once you miscarry. I feel a lot differently about those topics now than I did before. Just remember to BE GENTLE TO YOURSELF! Those who are around you and truly love and understand you, will know you'll have good and bad days... Probably for the whole next year. But if they don't understand, then they kinda stink at be sympathetic and empathetic. Don't be too hard on yourself for how you feel. There's no RIGHT way to feel or way to act.

    Hugs and Prayers for you and hubby. <3

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  18. I think I have only logged on to Fertilebook (er...Facebook) 2-3 times in the past year. At first, it was hard, but I am amazed at what it has done for my self-esteem. I was so sick of seeing all the baby posts and pregnancy posts and belly pics, so I decided that I wouldn't torture myself any longer. Some IF ladies deal with it just fine....I am not one of them. Always thinking of you and praying for you!!

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  19. This is one of those posts that I read and feel I could have written after my loss. I get it. All of it. The husband stuff, the FB stuff, the dealing with a friend's pregnancy stuff. All of it. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

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  20. I got off facebook about 3 months ago and like you it was a tough decision. Why I'm not sure. It's just a stupid site, but I can tell you I have enjoyed not being on there. I haven't missed it one bit! I would definitely try it. You can always reactivate your account. And as far as feeling guilty about what you are feeling towards your 18 wk pg friend. It's perfectly normal and you are not a bad person. You have cheered so many of us on when you were in your own struggle. You are amazing and it's ok to hate life and mourn for a while. You deserve to get to have that time. You snap out of it when you are ready! Thinking of you.

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  21. Miscarriage is hard, and it's alienating. The whole experience is so isolating. I'm sorry that you're going through this and struggling. It does get better, but the first weeks, months, all the anniversaries thereafter... are really difficult. I just want you to know that you're not alone, and it's okay to feel everything you're feeling. Thinking of you.

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  22. I call it Facebook Fasting and that's what I'm doing until February 1st. Best decision ever.

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