Tuesday, January 3, 2012

misery

Last night there were moments where I forgot I had a dead baby in my stomach. I actually thought that maybe, just maybe, I would feel better in the morning. Maybe a bit normal.

I was wrong. Once again. Seems to be a common theme, right? My naivety and incorrect assumptions.

I had nightmares last night. One particularly vivid one involved me meeting with a group of girlfriends who presented me with baby presents. Just one look at the little baby clothes and cute gifts set me to tears, and I had to tell them that my baby was no longer alive.

It was awful.

I woke up several times over the course of the night, and my first thought as soon as I woke up was, "I'm no longer pregnant."

Then I would get flashbacks of the appointment. The haunting, apologetic voice of the ultrasound tech saying,

"I'm not actually finding a heartbeat."

And then that phrase would repeat in my head, on a loop. And I thought maybe I was going crazy. Certifiably so.

When I finally did get out of bed, looking at myself in the bathroom mirror brought the onset of more tears. My eyes were super dark and puffy. Never before have they looked that bad.

At that point, I really decided to stay home from work. I have so much to do at work that I was planning on just powering through it, but the way I felt this morning wasn't conducive to powering through anything. Except maybe a box of tissues. Or a dozen chocolate chip cookies from the grocery store bakery.

______________________________

I heard from my RE's office just a few minutes ago. They want me to go in for another ultrasound this week, just to confirm everything.

That's going to be fun.

But then once it's confirmed for sure, I will schedule a D&C. My RE's office prefers this route, so they can be sure there is no tissue hanging around, since we will be moving forward with another FET in the near future.

Also, I can stop the Lovenox and Dexamethasone, but I need to continue on with the Progesterone supps and the Estradiol. Ugh. Apparently the reason for continuing on with the Progesterone and Estradiol is because if I stop them, I may have some unpleasant bleeding. Well, if it will stave off some bleeding, I'll continue on I suppose. At least I don't have to stab myself again for a while.

22 comments:

  1. My heart is breaking for the pain you are experiencing right now. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts.

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  2. I think the d&c is a good idea. It really helped me back in April. I hate the amount of pain you are in right now. You are in my thoughts. Praying for you. I just hate it so much for you. :(

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  3. Kara I know there isn't anything that any of us can say to fully express our condolences. I have tears for you now and I'm sending a hug from a thousand miles away... I hope for a speedy recovery for you and your family - take comfort that there are so many that will remember your Little Angel!

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  4. I thought about you alot last night, and I'm so sad for you :( This hits so close to home for me, and I know exactly how you feel.. It's devastating.. I'm so sorry :(

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  5. I have no words of wisdom that will help you through this difficult time. Just know that time heals all and though it doesn't feel like it now, you will survive this. Thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

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  6. Im so sorry Kara. I think the D&C did help me to move on. Praying for you!!!

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  7. I ran across your blog through someone elses. Even though I don't know you just reading that post broke my heart. We all live in fear of that and I just wish I could give you a big hug or say something to make it all better. Just know that you are in my prayers and I am so sorry for your loss. :(

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  8. I wish I knew of something to say that would give you comfort, but I know that nothing can do that for you right now. I'm so very sorry.

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  9. I feel so sick for you right now. I am so sorry. 2012 can still be a great year for you. You are so strong!

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  10. This is so sad, there is nothing that I can say that will make it better. Just know you're in my thoughts {hugs}.

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  11. While I understand why women do the D&C and I also respect that Dr.'s like to control the situation with a D&C I did my miscarriage naturally at home and I would do it again in a heartbeat if I were to lose this pregnancy as well.
    Read this on why I did it if you're at all interested in another option that doesn't involve more poking and prodding. A natural miscarriage has the lowest chance of infection as well as the lowest instance of residual tissue being left in the uterus.

    http://barnesbrennan.blogspot.com/2011/09/natural-vs-d.html

    No option is easy, I just know I got a lot of pressure to do a D&C and when it was all said and done I'm glad I opted out of it.

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  12. I'm so, so very sorry. Praying for peace and comfort for you and thinking of you.

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  13. Wishing this wasnt happening to you..... :(

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  14. Reading this post made me go back to the day I was told I was having a chemical pregnancy. I know it's not nearly as hard as seeing your babies heart beat one day and 3 days later, seeing nothing. But the pain of those words will never go away. I remember crying all day long off and on when we found out. As time goes on, the burn gets easier to deal with. Praying for peace for you and your husband. Wishing it would never have to happen to anyone, especially you.

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  15. I'm so sorry for your loss...you and your husband are in my thoughts! ((((HUGS))))

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  16. I am so fricking sorry to read this - just caught up with whats happened. Takes me back too. My heart goes out to you both (all), gutted for you

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  17. I agree with the D & C. When we lost our first I truly feel doing it any other way would have killed me. Im praying for you and Buster. Im sorry hun. Please take time to heal. Screw work!

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  18. I'm so sorry hun :( I hop you feel better soon, I know that's easier said than done. I can't imagine how you feel right now, just wanted to say I'm thinking of you.

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  19. There aren't any words for how incredibly unfair this all is. Losing a baby that you never get to meet is awful in so many ways. It's the loss of all those hopes and dreams of the future you had for that little one. Add in infertility and this may be hell. I hope that you find yourself surrounded by love, support, and kindness in these coming days and weeks (and months and years in my case.)

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  20. I'm just so incredibly sorry Kara. I'm so incredibly sorry.

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  21. Kara, I have been following your story for the last few months with warmth and happiness in my heart, and to come on and read your most recent posts sends a knife of sadness through my whole body. I was truly very happy for you and Buster and I can only imagine what terrible sadness you must be feeling right now. I pray that you find peace with this situation and that you are surrounded by the love that you deserve.

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  22. I am so very sorry for your loss :( People do say the most asinine things, often with good intentions but it doesn't carry through. I had so many comments after all my losses... I am sorry you're going through this, and so sorry that you lost this child. My thoughts are with you.

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