Last night there were moments where I forgot I had a dead baby in my stomach. I actually thought that maybe, just maybe, I would feel better in the morning. Maybe a bit normal.
I was wrong. Once again. Seems to be a common theme, right? My naivety and incorrect assumptions.
I had nightmares last night. One particularly vivid one involved me meeting with a group of girlfriends who presented me with baby presents. Just one look at the little baby clothes and cute gifts set me to tears, and I had to tell them that my baby was no longer alive.
It was awful.
I woke up several times over the course of the night, and my first thought as soon as I woke up was, "I'm no longer pregnant."
Then I would get flashbacks of the appointment. The haunting, apologetic voice of the ultrasound tech saying,
"I'm not actually finding a heartbeat."
And then that phrase would repeat in my head, on a loop. And I thought maybe I was going crazy. Certifiably so.
When I finally did get out of bed, looking at myself in the bathroom mirror brought the onset of more tears. My eyes were super dark and puffy. Never before have they looked that bad.
At that point, I really decided to stay home from work. I have so much to do at work that I was planning on just powering through it, but the way I felt this morning wasn't conducive to powering through anything. Except maybe a box of tissues. Or a dozen chocolate chip cookies from the grocery store bakery.
I heard from my RE's office just a few minutes ago. They want me to go in for another ultrasound this week, just to confirm everything.
That's going to be fun.
But then once it's confirmed for sure, I will schedule a D&C. My RE's office prefers this route, so they can be sure there is no tissue hanging around, since we will be moving forward with another FET in the near future.
Also, I can stop the Lovenox and Dexamethasone, but I need to continue on with the Progesterone supps and the Estradiol. Ugh. Apparently the reason for continuing on with the Progesterone and Estradiol is because if I stop them, I may have some unpleasant bleeding. Well, if it will stave off some bleeding, I'll continue on I suppose. At least I don't have to stab myself again for a while.