Thursday, January 5, 2012

someday the waves will stop

I decided to move my "confirmation of baby death" ultrasound up a day. I just want to move this process along.

So, it's today at 11:30 EST.

Initially, I wanted to go alone. Buster was spared the heartache of the earth-shattering appointment. Why not continue shielding him from this pain? The protector in me wants him to not feel any of this sorrow that is consuming me.

But, he's already feeling this sorrow. And when I told him what I said to you, up in that last paragraph, he replied with,

"We are in this together, and I want to be there."

God, I love that man.

So, the big question in my mind is do I look at the screen, or not? I think this will be an in-the-moment decision, as I can see benefits and drawbacks to both options.

Also, is the ultrasound tech going to know why I'm there? Do I need to give them a brief rundown prior to me climbing up on that table? I don't want them to be expecting to see an alive baby. I don't want them to feel like they have to tell me the bad news for the first time. Been there, done that.

And I didn't tell anyone, other than Buster, that I moved my appointment up a day. I purposely did not tell my mom last night when she called me. I just don't have the energy to talk about it.

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I want to acknowledge the fact that yes, my blogging has taken a depressing turn. Everything is quite gray in my eyes at the moment. I hope you bear with me, because I have to believe it will get better. And my positive posts will come back. Just not quite yet.

And I have to say, blogging has been incredibly therapeutic in this whole ordeal. Putting my feelings into typed words brings me some kind of peace. And control. Control in a time when I can't really control much.

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Yesterday, at times, I was shocked to realize how well I was doing, given the circumstances. There were times when I laughed. Times when I wasn't thinking of the bad stuff.

But then, out of nowhere, the sorrow would grab me and pull me back down to that place where you feel as if you'll never get out.

One of these times was when listening to the song "Someday the Waves" by Iron & Wine. Ok, I'll admit, listening to Iron & Wine when feeling sad is just asking for trouble. But, it's not my fault! It came on Pandora!

This verse rendered me a blubbering mess (the kind where you are sucking in air trying to hold in sobs, but failing miserably):

Someday the waves will stop
Every aching old machine will feel no pain
Someday we both will walk
Where a baby made tomorrow is again

You can't blame me, right?



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And on a final random note, I'm angry that I even have to have a label for "miscarriage" on my blog.

20 comments:

  1. I am so glad Buster is going with yo. I understand wanting to shield him, but you need to support one another, you have a great hubby!
    Also, don't you dare worry about what your blog has become, this is a place for you and we are here to support you 100% regardless of what is happening. Get it out, do what you need to do.
    Thinking of you.

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  2. This is a place to share any feelings, rather it be, happiness, sadness, anger etc. We will always be here to show whatever support we can. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. I definitely believe it takes "strong" couples to make it through infertility. I am thinking about you today during this difficult time.

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  3. I can't and don't blame you. That verse has a ton of emotion wrapped up in it. I am glad you are able to get your feelings out there via this blog. I am also thankful Buster is going with you today, and that you were able to go today. YOu need closure. Good luck today, maybe not so much with the outcome (although I can't help but pray there's a microfiber of hope) but with how you feel and handle being back there and going through it all again. You have an emmense amount of strength.

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  4. Buster is right - you are going through this together. It's so important to remember that. You can't shield him from the pain any better than he can shield you from it. The best you can do is support each other and be there for each other. He sounds like a good man. I'm sorry you have to have another u/s today. It will be hard, but you'll get through it. I should hope that the u/s tech will know why you're there, but it might not hurt to mention something to them just in case. I'll be thinking of you. Hugs.

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  5. Please don't feel like you have to write about cheerful things here all the time. This is what you are going through and we are here for you, no matter what. Give yourself this time to feel and express exactly where you are. I am deeply sorry that you are dealing with this. Take care.

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  6. I would like to email you - but cannot find you address - so email me please ;)

    lifeasiknowit09blog@gmail.com

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  7. Honey, as a therapist, if your blogging hadn't taken a depressing turn, I'd be worried about you and hoping you were dealing with the feelings somehow rather than blocking them away! Besides, it'd not your job to entertain your readers, it's your job to be _you_, whatever and whoever that is at any given time!!

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  8. I am so glad the hubby is coming with you, I think you will need him there. Don't worry about your blog being depressing, many of us have been exactly where you are now and we know what you're going through, blogging is the only way I made it through.
    Much love to you and Buster.

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  9. We arent going anywhere! Be as sad and depressing as you want to be. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you today. Huge hugs!!!!!

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  10. I'm glad that Buster is going with you. You can both help to support each other during this difficult time. I have no problem with the less positive posts. I'm here to support you in the good and the bad. Thinking of you today and sending hugs.

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  11. thinking of you today.... sending you much love and healing

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  12. I was posting on FB recently with some friends about miscarriage, namely how its a grief that no one can possibly understand unless they've been there. A friend of mine mentioned that she never knew what to say when someone told her about a miscarriage. Here I am, having had one and it's still a struggle to find the correct thing to say. I've been surprised that you kept blogging, but I understand and think its probably a wonderful platform to keep yourself from wallowing too much in the misery you're carrying in your heart.
    I was talking to my husband about a month ago about our miscarriage. How there are still some times when I lose it despite the fact that it was over a year ago and I was very early in my pregnancy (I had never heard a heartbeat or gotten any confirmation other than a couple betas). It's not just the loss of what could be, but the loss of so much more. My heart goes out to you and Buster. You seem so strong, despite the fact that you probably don't feel it. I wish I could give you some comfort. Just know that you're not alone. <3

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  13. This is the place where people will share your joys and also read about your darkest hours. It's called infertility and it sucks. But you are allowed to be real. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Sending hugs your way!

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  14. If I hadn't of had my blog during the pain of my losses, I shutter to think where I would be now. It was my lifesaver. Keep blogging. I just started reading you, but you have a very poetic way of describing things, accurate yet painfully beautiful...and I hope you continue to find solace in writing.

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  15. Thinking about you today and hoping you got through your appointment and are doing ok. And you don't need to apologize for not being positive right now! This is your blog and your journey and the support is here for you.

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  16. There is a verse in Mumford & Son's "After the Storm" that I really love, and has become quite apt over the last few months:

    There will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears,
    and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears,
    get over your hill and see, what you find there,
    with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

    Hugs!!

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  17. KARA!

    I found out a few days ago (justagirl) and my stupid computer wouldn't load your blog!!!! I hope you are doing your best to keep your head above water...I'm terribly sorry...I find myself staring blankly at this comment box. It sucks. I'm glad I'm able to comment today and send you the biggest of hugs and light from the West Coast. Sounds like you've got a great partner in crime, there are probably lots of people out there wishing they had a Buster they could call their own.

    Thinking of you!

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  18. Say whatever you need to say here. This is a safe place, and we all love you. So glad your DH is there for you. I wish I could be there in person to give you a hug. Love ya <3

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  19. It is so hard to look at that screen. It is even harder not to look at it. I'm glad you've got Buster to go with you.

    Every day is a new day. Sometimes I can feel positive, today not so much. Don't feel like you have to be happy and upbeat for us. We know what you're going through. Thinking of you.

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  20. Hey it's DV from the August DDC, but more personally, Daya, also from NYC. I wanted to let you know that you have really moved me from just reading you on the TTC side, to the August boards and now on your blog. You have such a clear, strong voice that penetrates the walls of a simple computer. You're truly a beautiful writer and I am so very sorry for your loss. We so miss you as our moderator and I pray for you and Buster's healing. Keep writing...you have a true talent.

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