I decided to move my "confirmation of baby death" ultrasound up a day. I just want to move this process along.
So, it's today at 11:30 EST.
Initially, I wanted to go alone. Buster was spared the heartache of the earth-shattering appointment. Why not continue shielding him from this pain? The protector in me wants him to not feel any of this sorrow that is consuming me.
But, he's already feeling this sorrow. And when I told him what I said to you, up in that last paragraph, he replied with,
"We are in this together, and I want to be there."
God, I love that man.
So, the big question in my mind is do I look at the screen, or not? I think this will be an in-the-moment decision, as I can see benefits and drawbacks to both options.
Also, is the ultrasound tech going to know why I'm there? Do I need to give them a brief rundown prior to me climbing up on that table? I don't want them to be expecting to see an alive baby. I don't want them to feel like they have to tell me the bad news for the first time. Been there, done that.
And I didn't tell anyone, other than Buster, that I moved my appointment up a day. I purposely did not tell my mom last night when she called me. I just don't have the energy to talk about it.
I want to acknowledge the fact that yes, my blogging has taken a depressing turn. Everything is quite gray in my eyes at the moment. I hope you bear with me, because I have to believe it will get better. And my positive posts will come back. Just not quite yet.
And I have to say, blogging has been incredibly therapeutic in this whole ordeal. Putting my feelings into typed words brings me some kind of peace. And control. Control in a time when I can't really control much.
Yesterday, at times, I was shocked to realize how well I was doing, given the circumstances. There were times when I laughed. Times when I wasn't thinking of the bad stuff.
But then, out of nowhere, the sorrow would grab me and pull me back down to that place where you feel as if you'll never get out.
One of these times was when listening to the song "Someday the Waves" by Iron & Wine. Ok, I'll admit, listening to Iron & Wine when feeling sad is just asking for trouble. But, it's not my fault! It came on Pandora!
This verse rendered me a blubbering mess (the kind where you are sucking in air trying to hold in sobs, but failing miserably):
Someday the waves will stop
Every aching old machine will feel no pain
Someday we both will walk
Where a baby made tomorrow is again
You can't blame me, right?
And on a final random note, I'm angry that I even have to have a label for "miscarriage" on my blog.