Wednesday, January 4, 2012

sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole

I don't feel any kind of overwhelming emotion today. Instead, I feel pretty dead inside (ugh, literally I suppose. I wasn't really trying to go there, but whatever.).

A fresh-faced zombie.

I put makeup on this morning. I had to do something to make myself feel better. To feel pretty. To feel normal.

Much like the title states, I feel as though I have a steady flow of sorrow inside. Like I'm hooked up to some kind of IV from hell. Just enough sorrow to remind me of my pain, but not enough to send me into any kind of pain-induced fits or a comatose state.

I have so much work to do. But all I'm accomplishing is staring. Staring out the window at the snow on the bank. Staring at my computer screen. Staring into my coffee.


What is it about a miscarriage and people suggesting surrogacy?

From the American Pregnancy Association's website:

Studies reveal that anywhere from 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage.

Obviously neither my mother or mother-in-law know about this statistic.

I know they mean well. But come on.

The evening after the appointment, Buster was on the phone with his mother. And she was saying that she will do whatever she can to help us, etc etc. Then some how, some way she brings up surrogacy. Like maybe we should consider it. I'm not sure exactly what was said, and I don't know how Buster responded.

But he told me after their phone call, and I was just a little shocked. Ok, I really had nothing left in me to feel shock. But I was still taken aback.

I guess people don't realize how common miscarriage is. Or how expensive surrogacy is. Or how maybe that's not what I want to hear on the day I found out my baby died.

Yesterday I was on the phone with my mom. She has been really broken up over all of this. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that she and my dad were in the ultrasound room with me. But the other reason this is affecting her so much is because it's bringing back memories.

When I was six, I had a two-month-old brother who passed away due to a heart defect (truncus arteriosis). Even though what my parents went through back then was WAY more painful than what I'm going through now, just the whole loss thing has really made these painful memories resurface for my mom.

So much so that yesterday morning I felt like I was having to console her and cheer her up. I didn't mind, but I really didn't have much in me to be able to do it very well.

Later in the afternoon, she seemed to be feeling better. I told her that I spoke with my clinic, and what they said. We talk about plans for the future, what I'd like to see happen, what I'm going to ask my clinic, etc.

She then says the most asinine thing imaginable.

"You know, I read a story in People magazine where a mother carried a baby for her daughter. I would do that for you."



Are you fucking kidding me??

I don't know much about surrogacy. And no offense, but right now is not a time I want to learn anything about it.

(I hope this whole rant doesn't make me sound anti-surrogacy. Because I'm not. I would definitely pursue that option someday, given the necessity. Right now I don't feel that it's anywhere close to being a necessity.)

Can a 55-year-old woman who has had a partial hysterectomy even be a surrogate?

And more importantly, is that what I would want?

She then made some joke about my sister's puppy, and how like the little pup, she might never want to give the baby back.

Aha. Ha. Ha.

I'm not in the mood to laugh, mom. I didn't say that, of course. I just brushed it off and got off the phone. Then sat there shaking my head.

Something about bad things happening to others brings out the dumb comments, right? I know many of you have experienced this. And I had too, relating to infertility.

Maybe it's not when a bad thing happens to someone, but maybe it's when people are just uninformed and ignorant. They don't know what to say, so they end up usually saying the wrong things.

I don't know what the right things are. There's really nothing anyone can say that makes me feel better. But I do appreciate knowing that I have support.


And this brings me to my final thought. In this dark time, I have taken great comfort in the comments of support and sadness posted by you, my friends and readers of my blog. Something about feeling loved and supported makes things not seem so bleak.

So please know that I appreciate each and every comment. Thank you.


Death Cab for Cutie's Marching Bands of Manhattan:


  1. I feel as though people think something needs to be said, when really, I would prefer for people to just not. That probably sounds bad, but I get sick of people saying "I'm sorry - It will happen, don't give up hope". It makes my eyes well up and just reminds me of that pain over and over again. As if we are not dealing with enough, we have to deal with other peoples reactions, plus our own. There has got to be another way!

  2. You know why the suggestion of surragacy (no matter if its your mom (yikes!) or someone else) is that it implies you did something to make it fail. Like your body is somehow at fault, when reality the large majority of first tri miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities - nothing you could control. I know this. I lost a baby at 10 weeks (similar situation - saw the heartbeat, then went in 2 weeks later and nothing) and it was due to Turner's Syndrome. I carried so much guilt for what I might have done or exposed the baby to or what my body might not be able to do....and it was completely out of my control. It was a fluke at conception. Remember that. People are desparately trying to think of something to say that makes *them* feel better....and that hurts because it often comes across as insensitive and maybe borderline rude. Thinking of you during this awful, awful time. We will all be here for you when everyone else thinks you should be over it. You shouldn't. It traumatic, its heart-wrenching and it hurts....for a very long time. xoxoxo

  3. I've found that it's very rare to find someone who is able to just sit with someone in their pain, someone who recognizes that trotting out platitudes or offering advice just isn't helpful in a time of grief. As creatingarainbow said, people say things - ANYTHING - just so they won't feel so uncomfortable. It's hard to be present with someone who is in a lot of pain, but I've learned that it's the best gift you can give them.

    My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. *hugs*

  4. :( Sorry that the people close to you are clueless. And though well meaning, your's mom offer, did make me think WTF too. : \ Like others said, yeah, suggesting surrogacy does imply that something is wrong w/ you, when miscarriage is SO common. For what it's worth, personally and I know many others, who have had a miscarriage and then went on to carry a healthy baby to term. Again, thinking of you.

  5. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I agree with the others, in sad times like this, people often feel the need to offer advice rather than just comfort and support.

    Thinking of you

  6. People who haven't had to deal with infertility or loss have no fucking clue what everything means. I got that too after I had my ectopic. WTF!? How is surrogacy the answer????

    I'm sorry you are dealing with any of this and ignorance doesn't help. :(

  7. Family... they mean so well... My sister in law offered surrogacy to us after about a year or so of trying, at the time I thought it was a sweet offer (but not one I was considering.) Since then she's offered about 10 more times at really inappropriate times, such as when my placenta previa was dx and when we found otu we had an alloimmune problem, niether of which she understood. I'm sure she did it to be nice and because she didn't know what else to say but everytime I wanted to scream SHUT UP in her stupid fertile face. I wish any of us knew what to say to anyone else going through IF or a miscarriage. I think the truth is no one knows what to say, but like you said, knowing people are there thinking of you does.

    You've been on my heart and mind like crazy lately, even before the bad news I was telling S.I.F about how you were the reason I started blogging.

  8. Wow, amazing. I can't believe they'd say that to you.

  9. I just want you to know I've been thinking about you. When I found out my baby hadn't made it past 9wks, it was one of the most heartwrenching days of my life. And it conitinued to be for quite some time. Each day the pain gets easier, but even now, almost 3 years later I will never forget how it felt. My heart aches for anyone who has to experience that pain. Try not to listen to the people who want to offer solutions. Even though they mean well it's not what you want to hear. Give a smile, say thank you and then vent to all of us who have been there and know.

  10. I'm amazed at how common miscarriage is and how it still seems that so many women close to me escaped without one. No one who hasn't gone through what you have will ever be able to say the right words to you, they just don't understand. So sorry you're having to deal with people offering stupid shit, however well meaning they were. I curled up in a ball for about a week after my miscarriage and didn't answer phone calls from family until I felt ready. All of them had their babies easily and I wasn't ready to face stupid comments.

  11. "Can a 55-year-old woman who has had a partial hysterectomy even be a surrogate?"

    I know it probably wasn't your intention, but this made me laugh out loud. Aww, Kara, you are so strong and I don't think you know it. Like you said when we spoke, time is going to be your biggest ally here. It heals, although the pain never goes away completely. Thinking of you every moment. <3

  12. I'm so incredibly sorry you're going through this. I tried to comment on your post a few days ago, but blogger didn't let me for some reason. I know how incredibly painful this is, and you really explained it perfectly when you described the sorrow as a steady flow through an iv drip. That's exactly what it's like. I felt so dead inside for a long time...but eventually here and there, life came back to me. Please know that you're not alone in this feeling, and that others - like myself - know this hell. Take the time to grieve, as long as that's the only thing we can do. Sending you love...

  13. I think you're right. People just don't know what to say so they sometimes say stupid things. I'm sure they are trying to be supportive. Sorry you're dealing with this on top of everything else. Hugs.

  14. Unfortunately, loss brings out the complete idiocy in people, even our loved ones. No one in my family or close circle suggested surrogacy to me, but I did have a train-wreck of a 20-something girl - a chain smoking, terrible-home-life girl - tell me she'd be happy to carry a baby for me. (I'm sure she'd LOVE the money. Ha.) Rest in the arms of those of us who have walked before you, love, and know that we carry you. While we can't protect you from the hurtful things you're bound to hear now that you've joined *this* particular club, know we've heard them, too, and we've survived despite it.


  15. I'm so, so sorry. I agree with posts above: one of the hardest things in life (for some) is to be able to just be there for another person in their grief. To be a listening ear and a shoulder for support rather than suggesting "solutions" or throwing out ideas and catch phrases to comfort themselves. My mom is also very well intentioned, but over the years has said and "helpfully" suggested a lot of things that were very misplaced... I know it was out of her desire to take the pain away from me, but more often what we need in those moments is just someone to be there, listen, and let us grieve. Thinking of you...

  16. People hate silence. The words that fall out of their mouths during these times are incredible. After my early miscarriage (my first BFP after 6 years of TTC), I had everyone - including my HUSBAND, for God's sake - telling me that "it was a good thing, because it meant I could get pregnant." A good thing? A GOOD thing? Pretty sure it took me screaming at them to get them to stop.

    Aaaanndd... I know your mom has her own stuff to deal with, but right now, YOU need HER. She has your father to help her through her shit. I know I sound bitchy, but it's overprotectiveness, I promise. This isn't something anyone can 'fix,' which is probably where they were coming from. You need to be surrounded with gentle love, and to feel what you need to feel. To stare if you need to stare.

    Thinking of you. ((Hugs))

  17. I am so very sorry you are going through this. My mother was the WORST with her "advice" the day I found out about my chemical pregnancy. I guess they are TRYING to be helpful, but it's just really annoying! Hang in there, thinking of you.

  18. oh my sweet friend, I wish you were not here right now. welcome to the world of pregnancy loss where people say all kinds of insane stupid things to you. I only wish there was some way to protect you from all of that. We are here for you and understand all too well. Here to hold your hand

  19. Unwanted advice is truly the worst. I haven't had a pregnancy loss so I can't begin to imagine what you are going through - regardless, I am so sorry for your loss. I am thinking of you and will be praying for your comfort, strength and peace.

  20. oh I'm with you on the dumb comments. Its like the fear of an awkward silence bypasses the part of the brain that would monitor whether this is an appropriate thing to say, or not. And on the receiving end, everything is ripped wide open, waiting for salty responses and everything hurts just that bit more.
    Sounds like your mums heart is in the right place basically saying she would do whatever she could to help you through this. Maybe the wrong words for it though.

    Also, thought the miscarriage rates were higher - 1 in 4. Its been postulated that its higher, more 1 in 2, but most of these wouldn't have been picked up on. The extra sting is going through what you have, to miscarry anyway. So unfair

  21. Ah yes...the things people say when they are clueless and uncomfortable. We should seriously write a book. At least every infertile could read it and have a good laugh. I'm so sorry that you even have to be in the situation where people have to make such comments to you. I feel your pain, and I wish that I could take it away for you.

  22. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I do know how you feel, exactly. After both of my miscarriages I didn't want to talk to anyone, for at least 2 or 3 days because I wanted to avoid all the annoying comments. They all seemed so cliche to me or just rude or stupid. Anyway, you are not alone! It's one of the worst feelings in the world to be in this place of sorrow. All I will say for now is: it. gets. better. slowly. Hang in there. Prayers to you.

  23. Oh the comments you'll get from the clueless are always awful and just makes you feel worse.
    Of course you know they don't mean anything by whatever stupid thing that's said, but it still does its damage.
    A friend's wife offered to be a surrogate for us. Just out of nowhere. It was sweet I guess, but just made me feel like an even bigger piece of useless crap.
    Anyway.... you'll get through this with time. This will all just be a bad memory when you do get pregnant again with a super sticky little bean. *HUGS*

  24. I don't even know you, but I have been tracking your posts for several months now and you always make me laugh out loud (whether it's a serious or funny post). You are truly blessed with the gift of writing. I love how you tell it how it is and make people think. Like everyone else said, people are so stupid when it comes to trying to comfort. Like one person said, it's very rare when you find someone who will just sit with you, let you talk, and hang out with you while you cry. Most people feel like they need to fill the silence with uneducated and unsolicited advice. Hang in there hunny....I cannot imagine the pain you are going through.

  25. I wish I could just give you a giant hug. I can't imagine your pain, nor how you are coping so well. We're here for you...and we'll try not to make stupid, insensitive comments...or offer to be your surrogate..unless you've changed your game plan :-)

  26. I'm sorry for all the comments and remarks you've received about surrogacy. I think sometimes people just want to help by offering solutions/ideas/suggestions since there's no other way we can help comfort you in this time. I'm sure everyone meant well-wishes to you by suggesting surrogacy, and mostly your mom. Unfortunately some people just dont understand IF like we do, or they dont understand what it's like to lose a baby. Hoping you can move past the comments and remarks, later down the road realize they came from a good place, but move on with YOUR plans to be a mother and to carry another child.

  27. When I told my mom about my miscarriage her response was 'maybe you should just adopt'. Recently when I was talking to her about our IF struggle, she suggested adoption again, then surrogacy. People just want so badly to say something to you that they think is helpful, but they just don't realize that there really isn't anything they could say and maybe it's just better to be there for you in silence. The group Faces of Loss has a special section on their website for friends and family - maybe you could point people to that so that they can read about loss and what not to say, etc. Also, there's a blog that I love that's like the miscarriage version of STFU Fertiles. Lastly, I just want to say that I know it hurts like hell right now, and it will for a while, but it will get better with time. Be kind to yourself and Buster. Do what you need to do to grieve. Give yourself as much time and space as you need.

  28. Oh Kara. My heart absolutely aches for you. I have been where you are and I am so sorry. All I can tell you, is that time does heal. Name you baby. Talk to your baby. Tell them goodbye and keep your pee sticks, pictures etc. It doesn't seem like it now, but it will help you heal.

    When I lost my first pregnancy on New Years Day, 2009, my own sister, said to me as I cried in her lap, "well, it is what it is". Really? It is? Amazing. To this day that phrase haunts me. I feel so much for you.

  29. I don't know why people say such dumb ass things in these situations. Are they just so uncomfortable that they think it's better to just keep talking, wo thinking? Like nervous chatter. I've always been one to keep my mouth shut when I don't have words, but whatever. I sincerely hope the madness ends soon.

  30. I am so incredibly sorry friend. I just... I can't even put into words how angry I am for you. Nothing about going through this is OK, but especially after having fought so hard for it. It just seems so... cruel.

    I actually have a co-worker who has offered to be my surrogate several times. She is 50. I've often wondered what about that is supposed to make me feel better. It just feels like a slap in the face more than anything, even though I know that the best of intentions are there. Sometimes... I just think people don't know what else to say.

    My thoughts and prayers are definitely with you right now. I am so sorry again...

  31. I can relate sooo much to this post. People have suggested surrogacy to me wayyy back when I first started TTC and had losses. It's really not what you want to hear. I can't believe the things people say. I'd almost rather them say nothing than to say something so idiotic.

    It's weird because I've had prior losses, but I feel like I don't know what to say really either. I don't want to be like the people who have hurt me by saying some dumb. Just know I love you lots and lots!!! <3 I'm here for you if you need anything at all!

  32. I'm so sorry you have to deal with ignorant comments, I just try to remind myself that people mean well and sometimes they don't know what to say and end up saying the wrong thing. It's still hard though. My thoughts go to you frequently these days and I wish you didn't have to go through any of this...know that the pain will get easier with time, although it will never go away, one morning you will wake up and crying won't be the first thing you do.

  33. My mother too has made that assnine comment to me MULTIPLE times. I finally said "Mom N-E-V-E-R going to happen but thanks anyways" People don't realize that suggesting surrogacy is like stating that they "know for sure" you can't bare a child. It hurts and isn't true. I commend you for being able to put it into the "they meant well" category. <3 <3

  34. My mom made the same offer. As did my mother-in-law. Repeatedly (well, in the case of my mom), despite my very firm communication that that wasn't our problem. I think because of articles about surrogacy, more people know about it, and their instinct is to try to solve the "problem" rather than just be there for you and support you.



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