Tuesday, January 24, 2012

the right wrong direction

I got my beta results today. I wanted to title this post "Beta #2" but it's really not #2. Maybe more like #6. Or #-2. But that's just confusing.

Anyway, we are thankfully moving in the right (yet so, so wrong) direction. It was 39. Much better (??!) than the 826 from twelve days ago.

I am incredibly thankful that my body is cooperating. I'm not sure I could handle any more bumps in the road at this point.

Although, I'm doing pretty well. Surprisingly well. I'm really starting to almost feel normal again.

Work has been busy to the point of insanity. This is helping me by keeping me distracted. If it was slow (like it typically is), I'd be more likely to find some way to depress myself.

Also, I've taken on some long-term freelance work. I will be redesigning a website and maintaining it. I've never designed a website from start to finish (other than blogs), so this will be a fun (and tough) project for me. I'm looking forward to pushing myself and to learn new things. Especially something that could potentially make me a lot of extra cash on the side.

So, 9-5 work and freelance work is keeping me occupied.

I went to lunch with my friend on Sunday. I was a bit apprehensive about this lunch date, as she is 18 weeks pregnant. I just wasn't very confident in my ability to be able to keep my shit together.

But, I did. And I can honestly say I did not feel one ounce of bitterness or jealousy towards her. Not to sound like I'm totally patting myself on the back here, but I'm really proud of myself. I'm not sure how I managed to not let those feelings creep in, but I did it.

As much as I hate using cliches...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.


She remarked several times during our lunch at how well I'm doing and how she really admires my positive outlook and attitude. And that got me to thinking that maybe I am doing pretty well, regardless of that whole 10% thing. Maybe I need to give myself a little more credit here.

My friend also said that after she was cleared to start TTC again after the miscarriage, they tried for 3 months before she got pregnant again. During those 3 months, she went crazy. Charting, temping, OPKs, etc. And it was overwhelming to her. TTC and the roller coaster of emotions associated with it consumed her.

And we all know what that's like.

She commented then that she doesn't know how anyone can keep doing that, and maybe she said something along the lines of being impressed with my attitude, given all we've been through and how long we've tried.

Which led me to think about how hopeless you feel at times TTC. How alone. How abnormal. How jealous, and bitter, and resentful, and lost.

Perhaps my skin has gotten thicker. Maybe I'm so used to the bad stuff that I can deal better with it when it happens.

Or maybe it's just part of the roller coaster, and I'll get back to that hopelessness at some point.

Or maybe I've gotten through that "phase" and I've graduated to something else? I know I don't want to go back to that place, so I'm going to try my best to remain positive and hopeful for the future. Even given everything that's happened. Even though life can be so cruel. Even though my dreams were shattered three weeks ago.

I still have hope.


  1. You have come so far! It will be great to have your web project to work on. Keep your chin up, girl.

  2. I'm so happy to hear this. I am struggling to find that hope myself and it can be hard sometimes. I wish this hadn't happened to us, but all we can do now is heal and move forward as well as we can.
    I am inspired by your strength as well. I have loads of 'milestones' coming up and I am dreading my reaction.
    Thanks for sharing.

  3. Its good to see you acknowledging your strength and bravery going through this! There will probably still be sad days, but it sounds like you are in a really good place and able to deal with those emotions when they bubble up. Have fun with your freelance project :-)

  4. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

  5. <3 Hugs and Love <3

  6. I think you do have to give yourself more credit, enduring infertility and then a loss is devestating. To not be engulfed forever in a mountain of bitterness and hate is a huge task in itsellf. But to have a mostly postive attitude is a whole 'nother ball game. You are a strong woman. With amazing perseverance and positivity that helps the rest of us! <3 Thinking about and praying for you!

  7. I think this is you getting stronger. Plain and simple. You know you've seen the bottom and that you definitely want to go up. Even on the bad days, keep that in mind. You're amazing, girlie.

  8. I'm proud of you for handling your lunch date with your preggo friend, too! It is wonderful that you're able to find some hope so soon after a loss. I have hope for you, too.

  9. I am so glad to hear your lunch went well.

    I agree with your friend, you sound as though you are doing well and are so strong!

    Give yourself more credit, you deserve it!

    Good luck on the website!


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