I got my beta results today. I wanted to title this post "Beta #2" but it's really not #2. Maybe more like #6. Or #-2. But that's just confusing.
Anyway, we are thankfully moving in the right (yet so, so wrong) direction. It was 39. Much better (??!) than the 826 from twelve days ago.
I am incredibly thankful that my body is cooperating. I'm not sure I could handle any more bumps in the road at this point.
Although, I'm doing pretty well. Surprisingly well. I'm really starting to almost feel normal again.
Work has been busy to the point of insanity. This is helping me by keeping me distracted. If it was slow (like it typically is), I'd be more likely to find some way to depress myself.
Also, I've taken on some long-term freelance work. I will be redesigning a website and maintaining it. I've never designed a website from start to finish (other than blogs), so this will be a fun (and tough) project for me. I'm looking forward to pushing myself and to learn new things. Especially something that could potentially make me a lot of extra cash on the side.
So, 9-5 work and freelance work is keeping me occupied.
I went to lunch with my friend on Sunday. I was a bit apprehensive about this lunch date, as she is 18 weeks pregnant. I just wasn't very confident in my ability to be able to keep my shit together.
But, I did. And I can honestly say I did not feel one ounce of bitterness or jealousy towards her. Not to sound like I'm totally patting myself on the back here, but I'm really proud of myself. I'm not sure how I managed to not let those feelings creep in, but I did it.
As much as I hate using cliches...
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
She remarked several times during our lunch at how well I'm doing and how she really admires my positive outlook and attitude. And that got me to thinking that maybe I am doing pretty well, regardless of that whole 10% thing. Maybe I need to give myself a little more credit here.
My friend also said that after she was cleared to start TTC again after the miscarriage, they tried for 3 months before she got pregnant again. During those 3 months, she went crazy. Charting, temping, OPKs, etc. And it was overwhelming to her. TTC and the roller coaster of emotions associated with it consumed her.
And we all know what that's like.
She commented then that she doesn't know how anyone can keep doing that, and maybe she said something along the lines of being impressed with my attitude, given all we've been through and how long we've tried.
Which led me to think about how hopeless you feel at times TTC. How alone. How abnormal. How jealous, and bitter, and resentful, and lost.
Perhaps my skin has gotten thicker. Maybe I'm so used to the bad stuff that I can deal better with it when it happens.
Or maybe it's just part of the roller coaster, and I'll get back to that hopelessness at some point.
Or maybe I've gotten through that "phase" and I've graduated to something else? I know I don't want to go back to that place, so I'm going to try my best to remain positive and hopeful for the future. Even given everything that's happened. Even though life can be so cruel. Even though my dreams were shattered three weeks ago.
I still have hope.