Perhaps I was feeling incredibly optimistic on the day I wrote the 10% post. I think it's more like 15-20%.
Last night I babysat. I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but I babysit for two adorable boys once or twice a week. W is 4, and G is 18 months. They are truly great kids!
After I had put G to bed, W and I were playing with cars. I point to the purple one, and tell him that's my favorite. He looks up at me, and says,
"Are you the mommy of somefing?"
Stunned silence from me. Mouth gaping. You can picture the face, right?
I reply, "No, not yet."
And he asks,
"When will you be the mommy of somefing?"
Sadly, I say, "Hopefully soon."
And we resume playing with cars.
Even after I put W to bed, even after I am on my way home, I can't shake those questions. I tried. I blasted my iPod on the way home. Tried to sing along, and just forget it. I couldn't do it.
Then I start worrying about being in a sad mood when I get home. I hadn't seen Buster all day. When I left for work, he was still sleeping. Now it was nearing 9:00 p.m. The last thing I wanted to do was to be a crumbling mess when I really see him for the first time that day.
When I got home, I tried to put on my "everything is fine" face, but he knew better. He asked what was wrong, and I told him. And he held me.
I apologized for being sad when I got home, and I told him I know he doesn't like it when I get home for the day in a bad mood. He then says, "No, only when you're a bitch to me." I crack a half smile.
He hugged me for another minute, but had to let me go because Kelsey was getting extremely jealous. She's very protective of her daddy.
Buster mentioned that I should have told W that I'm a mommy to Kelsey, and honestly, it crossed my mind. But I thought that if I did say that, it might draw out the conversation, and I did not want that.
I am feeling better today, however. We have a busy weekend planned, and I'm looking forward to it. And I'm hoping those questions won't continue to haunt me.