ok, maybe 20%
Perhaps I was feeling incredibly optimistic on the day I wrote the 10% post. I think it's more like 15-20%.
Last night I babysat. I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but I babysit for two adorable boys once or twice a week. W is 4, and G is 18 months. They are truly great kids!
After I had put G to bed, W and I were playing with cars. I point to the purple one, and tell him that's my favorite. He looks up at me, and says,
"Are you the mommy of somefing?"
Stunned silence from me. Mouth gaping. You can picture the face, right?
I reply, "No, not yet."
And he asks,
"When will you be the mommy of somefing?"
Sadly, I say, "Hopefully soon."
And we resume playing with cars.
Even after I put W to bed, even after I am on my way home, I can't shake those questions. I tried. I blasted my iPod on the way home. Tried to sing along, and just forget it. I couldn't do it.
Then I start worrying about being in a sad mood when I get home. I hadn't seen Buster all day. When I left for work, he was still sleeping. Now it was nearing 9:00 p.m. The last thing I wanted to do was to be a crumbling mess when I really see him for the first time that day.
When I got home, I tried to put on my "everything is fine" face, but he knew better. He asked what was wrong, and I told him. And he held me.
I apologized for being sad when I got home, and I told him I know he doesn't like it when I get home for the day in a bad mood. He then says, "No, only when you're a bitch to me." I crack a half smile.
He hugged me for another minute, but had to let me go because Kelsey was getting extremely jealous. She's very protective of her daddy.
Buster mentioned that I should have told W that I'm a mommy to Kelsey, and honestly, it crossed my mind. But I thought that if I did say that, it might draw out the conversation, and I did not want that.
I am feeling better today, however. We have a busy weekend planned, and I'm looking forward to it. And I'm hoping those questions won't continue to haunt me.
Last night I babysat. I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but I babysit for two adorable boys once or twice a week. W is 4, and G is 18 months. They are truly great kids!
After I had put G to bed, W and I were playing with cars. I point to the purple one, and tell him that's my favorite. He looks up at me, and says,
"Are you the mommy of somefing?"
Stunned silence from me. Mouth gaping. You can picture the face, right?
I reply, "No, not yet."
And he asks,
"When will you be the mommy of somefing?"
Sadly, I say, "Hopefully soon."
And we resume playing with cars.
Even after I put W to bed, even after I am on my way home, I can't shake those questions. I tried. I blasted my iPod on the way home. Tried to sing along, and just forget it. I couldn't do it.
Then I start worrying about being in a sad mood when I get home. I hadn't seen Buster all day. When I left for work, he was still sleeping. Now it was nearing 9:00 p.m. The last thing I wanted to do was to be a crumbling mess when I really see him for the first time that day.
When I got home, I tried to put on my "everything is fine" face, but he knew better. He asked what was wrong, and I told him. And he held me.
I apologized for being sad when I got home, and I told him I know he doesn't like it when I get home for the day in a bad mood. He then says, "No, only when you're a bitch to me." I crack a half smile.
He hugged me for another minute, but had to let me go because Kelsey was getting extremely jealous. She's very protective of her daddy.
Buster mentioned that I should have told W that I'm a mommy to Kelsey, and honestly, it crossed my mind. But I thought that if I did say that, it might draw out the conversation, and I did not want that.
I am feeling better today, however. We have a busy weekend planned, and I'm looking forward to it. And I'm hoping those questions won't continue to haunt me.
<3 <3 <3
ReplyDeleteThinking of you all the time
Aw man, that's rough. I'm sorry. I'm glad Buster was there for you when you got home.
ReplyDeleteI've had the same conversation many times since I work with children under 5. The best thing I always take away from it is they never asky why. Never a fun question to answer though.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a poignant story - although I will also say that you are incredibly brave and generous to be looking after children at a time when you're experiencing such difficult emotions. I know that I would be tempted to tell their parents that it was just too tough right now, and I'm really impressed at your commitment to staying involved in their lives. Hang in there, and just remember, today's conversation might have been bittersweet but the next one will probably involve the phrase "Doodyhead!"
ReplyDeleteI always blast my ipod when im upset - there are even certain songs that somewhat make me feel better!
ReplyDeleteI also always say that I am furbaby mom!!
that just brought tears to my eyes. I am glad you were able to talk with your husband openly about it.
ReplyDeleteI had the same type of night last night. And even though I was being extremely cranky, DH responded by sleeping downstairs so he could do all puppy duties during the night without disturbing me. It's nice to have someone to come home and hug after the difficult days...
ReplyDeleteKara i found your blog at tww.com. You have a special place in my heart because we used to share due dates. İ lost my baby when i was 6 weeks along. İt was my first pregnancy and it still haunts me. Now that my period is approaching i feel soo sad and vulnerable. After battling with Will i or wont i ever have a baby Madness for 10 years and many tears i just want to have my healthy baby. İ want to be someones mother. When i miscarried i literally felt like my heart was on fire& i still cry about it. i just cant help it... A few days ago one of my neighbours twin sons said " yo woman! Why dont you have a baby are you sick or something?!" i just laughed and said No i am healthy. At least i hope to be right? Anyway, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. İ âm reading your blog thousand of miles away and rooting for you. Dont give up!
ReplyDeleteI would not have been as strong as you in that situation. I'm sure it doesn't feel like it, but you are doing amazing. The grieving process can take more than a year to cycle and complete. You have proven yourself so resilient in how you handle interactions such at that.
ReplyDeleteAw, sad face. I had a 7 year old of a friend who knew I was pregnant ask me if I was still pregnant and then when I said no, she said did you have the baby. I almost broke into tears right then and there, but instead decided at 7 there's no reason I couldn't be honest with her and so I talked to her about how the baby died and that sometimes babies don't always make it. Sad sad day.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is you are one strong woman. Strong for still babysitting, and strong for not breaking down, and strong for carrying on like you do. You inspire me...a lot. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThat's a hard one. My heart broke just reading that. These are the moments were I wish infertility was something we discussed more openly as a society, as it would lay the groundwork for acceptance vs. isolation. Nevertheless, the fact that you handled that questions with grace and strength shows what an amazing and strong person you are. Thinking of you today and hoping that it's a good one.
ReplyDeleteUgh, kids can really cut to the core. I teach, so I totally get how an innocent comment from an innocent face can knock you on your knees. You will be a mommy to somefing soon.
ReplyDeleteKids really do say the darnest things don't they? Totally innocent comment that really can hit you. I'm glad you handled it well and I know you're so going to be a mom soon. I think its quite cute how he says somefing.
ReplyDeleteGood god, talk about a knife to the heart. I'm so glad you have someone to hold you. It's amazing how much that can help.
ReplyDeleteI have gotten those questions from adults, but thankfully not children.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you had to be put in that situation. It hurts.
MissC
I think you're doing amazing. I can't believe you can still babysit.... Sometimes the things kids say are the hardest to hear but also the most thought provoking. You are a great mommy to Kelsey. Thinking of you as always.
ReplyDeleteWow...great post. You are a strong woman!
ReplyDeletewww.cancerinthecity.com
I still remember the day, years ago now, after I had just found out about the endo and everything else, when one of my best friends little boys asked me a similar question. It rocked me to my core. When it comes from kids, it almost shakes you more because it's so innocent. Definitely thinking of you lady. You will be an amazing "mommy of somefing" someday. Hopefully someday soon.
ReplyDelete