there are times life will rattle your bones...
It's Friday the 13th. I knew it was coming, and then completely forgot, until I read the latest post on Stirrup Queens.
The last Friday the 13th I can recall was the day of my LEEP surgery. Surgery on Friday the 13th. Spooky, right?
I've never been one for superstitions. I don't buy into them. However...
Today I will be getting a phone call from my doctor's office telling me the results of my beta blood draw.
Usually those calls are super exciting, right? They were for me, all those decades ago. Ok, only a month and a half ago. But it certainly feels like a lifetime ago.
Even though in many ways I'm dreading today's phone call, the control-freak in me can't wait to hear the number. I would love some insight into what my body is doing.
No matter what happens today, it won't be a good day. Sure, it has potential to be a mediocre day. A day that I can survive. Maybe even a day with no tears.
But it won't be a good day.
Here's to hoping the trend breaks for the next Friday the 13th in April.
____________________
"Dear Avery" by the Decemberists
The last Friday the 13th I can recall was the day of my LEEP surgery. Surgery on Friday the 13th. Spooky, right?
I've never been one for superstitions. I don't buy into them. However...
Today I will be getting a phone call from my doctor's office telling me the results of my beta blood draw.
Usually those calls are super exciting, right? They were for me, all those decades ago. Ok, only a month and a half ago. But it certainly feels like a lifetime ago.
Even though in many ways I'm dreading today's phone call, the control-freak in me can't wait to hear the number. I would love some insight into what my body is doing.
No matter what happens today, it won't be a good day. Sure, it has potential to be a mediocre day. A day that I can survive. Maybe even a day with no tears.
But it won't be a good day.
Here's to hoping the trend breaks for the next Friday the 13th in April.
____________________
"Dear Avery" by the Decemberists
I came across your blog through Stirrup Queens, and I am sitting with you in sadness. I don't know you, but I'm holding you in my heart. A year ago this week we had a very similar experience and the anniversary stings. If you place any stock in the idea of a crunchy granola "universal energy", I hope you are comforted knowing I am sending you wishes for healing and peace and comfort in the midst of this nightmare. I am so sorry for you and Buster both.
ReplyDeleteHere's hoping today isn't so bad. Friday the 13th always brings smiles to my face but that's because my brother was born on a friday 13th and we're super close. Its funny how experiences and memories can shape what we think of a day. Here's to hoping that no matter what today isn't so bad and that hopefully next Friday 13th the trend definitely breaks.
ReplyDeleteMy birthday is on the 13th, so every 6 years or something like that it falls on Friday the 13th, so I LOVE Friday the 13th =) Hoping today breaks the bad spell of the 13th for you!
ReplyDeleteHoping today is an okay day for you. Next Friday the 13th is my 2 year wedding anniversary so hoping the next one is a better one for you too!
ReplyDeleteI hear you. Today is a hard day on this end too. I'm hoping that the phone call gives you some insight as well as peace.
ReplyDeleteHi Kara,
ReplyDeleteShrimpsey here. I have been following your blog for a couple of weeks now. I am so very sorry this is happening to you. Although I have not been in your shoes with battling infertility, when we were trying for our 2nd, it took a while, and I had a loss almost exactly like the one you are experiencing. I was 11 weeks along and going in for a 'dating' scan. No heartbeat. Frick. The feelings and thoughts you are having sound exactly like how I was feeling when I went through it. Its almost like you are lost in your own little world, and a times you feel not bad, and others just take your breath away. It was very awkward between me and my husband for a bit also, hard to explain. We were both greiving, but I think husbands just want us to feel better, and feel frustrated when there is nothing they can do to help. Although they also are hurt and grieving, I don't think they can really comprehend what it is like for us. I remember that once my beta was at 0 again, that is when I was finally able to start to try and put the peices back together and heal. I did not like the 'limbo' feeling between the loss of our baby and when we could try again. That was the worst part. I felt similar feelings of anger when seeing or hearing about others pregnancies and babies. My sister even gave birth about 4 weeks after my D&C, and she even used the name we had chosen as the middle name for her daughter despite us having a conversation about that name a few months earlier. That really stung at the time. She claims she didn't remember that was a name we chose.
The only thing unfortunatly that helps heal this hurt is time.Time.Time. I am praying for you, and I pray that you and Buster get your rainbow baby very soon. There is a great website where you can order really nice jewelry to honor your little angel. I would like to share the link for you. This is my favorite peice ~ http://myforeverchild.com/store/WsDefault.asp?One=668
Just take one day at a time lady. That is all you can do. Sending big virtual healing hugs, I am sorry 2012 has started out so crappy. Here is hoping there are good things coming in your future!
I hate that there are days like that for you. I wish it could all be done so you can fully heal. I know there will always be an empty sad spot though. I miss you and love you lots. <3 Sending virtual hugs and love.
ReplyDelete