Thursday, November 15, 2012

They were wrong

This post may be difficult to read if you are in the trenches, so please feel free to skip it if you aren't in the mood. I completely understand.

With that being said, I have thought about this post for quite a while, and have finally decided to go for it. This was never meant to be a blog that had one specific arc. I wanted an outlet for what I was dealing with, which was infertility at the time the blog began. But I enjoy writing about other things in my life. And this is still my blog space, after all. So here it is.

As many of you long-time followers know, Buster and I started trying to get pregnant before we were married. And this past June, we celebrated our four-year anniversary. So the road to pregnancy was long, arduous, and painstaking.

In the beginning, I didn't yet have the tunnel-vision that I developed later. Early on, we were able to live life without it being affected by infertility. We didn't even know we were infertile at that point. We just had lots of sex and hoped that we would get pregnant.

Once we realized that it might be taking us longer than the typical couple, we started the fertility testing. This was Fall of 2009 -- two + years since we started trying.

And soon we were fully immersed in our struggle with infertility. It's amazing how quickly you can go from
"Hmmm, maybe something is wrong." 
to
"I'm so depressed. We'll never get pregnant. I'm such a failure."

Buster and I had two really, really tough years. As most of you know, infertility wreaks havoc on a marriage. And we were not immune. Those were really some very unhappy years for us.

I hate admitting it, but it's true. Infertility made me into someone I didn't want to be. Jealous. Bitter. Resentful. Unhappy.

I would not have wanted to be married to me.

But Buster stuck it out. Sure, he wasn't always the most patient. But I wasn't always the most sane.

And then, through the miracle of science, we became pregnant. I started to morph back into that person I knew was still in there. The happy version of me. Only to be struck down once again, when we suffered the miscarriage. Three and a half horrible months crawl by. We survive, but barely.

Science once again came to the rescue, and we were again pregnant. Only this time, my little boy was here to stay (yes, I know he's not here yet, but it's not too much longer!).

And it happened.

I became me again. I laugh now. I spontaneously smile. I am genuinely happy with my life as a whole.

Two years ago, I would never, ever have thought I could be me again. And be so happy with my life. But when you are in the dark hole of infertility, there is barely enough hope to sustain you one more day, let alone years.

My relationship with Buster has never, ever been better. And I feel that we deserve this, considering infertility stole so much happiness from us so early in our marriage.

You know when "they" say that having a baby won't solve your relationship issues? They definitely weren't talking about infertile couples.


16 comments:

  1. I absolutely applaud you for writing this post. What an amazing place to be and I am so happy for you guys. Infertility does steal so much from us and to be able to take back your life is an amazing feat!

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  2. <3 this and love <3 how this has strengthened you and your marriage!

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  3. So happy for you - that you'll soon be meeting your baby boy...
    We're currently trying -- and while it's only been a couple of months I'm feeling so impatient - I've been waiting for this a long time - and I don't want to wait. I got pregnant a couple years ago - surprise pregnancy while on the pill and that ended in a miscarriage - so I feel like getting pregnant while trying should be easy...
    I needed your words today - to remind me of how ridiculous I'm being.. Thank you! xo

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  4. I can definitely relate to this. My husband and I also started trying before we were married, so our entire marriage has been spent trying and it's been very tough on us. My depression over my infertility really took a toll on our relationship. Even though our pregnancy isn't very far along yet, it felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from us when we learned I was pregnant. I'm happy again. WE are happy again.

    You deserve every bit of your happiness. :)

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  5. I love this post. I have felt so much of this too. Maybe a baby didnt *fix* us, but it brought us back to who we were, a new and improved us.

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  6. What a great point! I like how you put it.

    And Ray and I always had a great relationship as well. We were the couple all my friends wish they were. But IF really shook us to the core. He really stuck it out, me being crazy and unhappy.

    Thanks for writing this out. I have thought this before too, but you just say it so well.

    Your little man will test your patience with Buster, but he will also make you fall more in love with him. Nothing is better than seeing your husband protect and love your child.

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  7. I agree with this 100%. We are way better now than we ever were - and that amazes me because our years of IF made me a very miserable person to live with.

    Thank you for saying it!

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  8. What a great post! The whole story would (and does) ring true with so many couples (including me). Infertility does change people so much, and I am still wondering if I'll ever get back what it took away from me.... but this post has made me so happy for you, and it has given hope too.

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  9. I'm glad you wrote this post <3 It makes me hopeful to see your story. Things have been so rough for you guys, but you made it through. I'm so happy for you to be where you are today!!

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  10. I love this post. So glad you are doing well. :)

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  11. Wow - I could have written these words myself...right down to the comment about patience and sanity (I actually said 'yep' out loud when I read that sentence). It seems that the raw pain of infertility is slowly eroding, leaving behind a glimmer of the despair I once felt. That might sound a little dramatic, but every single time my little boy (MY SON!) kicks me, I stop in my tracks and break out in a grin from ear to ear. I have no control over it, it just happens...EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

    I can also relate to feeling like your old self again. My husband even commented on 'viability day' (after I'd bawled my eyes out with the sheer joy of reaching the milestone) how much he loved watching me embrace everything about this pregnancy and that seeing how in awe and grateful I am about it all makes him incredibly happy.

    I feel that we have also come through this stronger and more in love. When I watch him kiss my belly and tell his son how much he loves him and how he can't wait to meet him, I get teary and fall a little bit more in love with both my husband and my son.

    I truly hope that everyone struggling with infertility gets to experience this gift.

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  12. I'm SO glad you feel like you have found your way back to your happy place lady!

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  13. I wholeheartedly agree! Even when I was in the misery of the first tri and felt guilty for not being able to enjoy my pregnancy, I was giddy about finally feeling like myself again. I, too, was forgetting what the real me was like. The day that I got to stop taking the PIO, which was the last fertility drug I was on was such a freeing day. I still bear visible and invisible scars from what we went through (I wonder if the marks from the PIO injections will always be there?), but it's so reassuring to know that my husband and I went through all that together, and now we can relax knowing that our marriage is pretty indestructible.

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  14. I totally agree - it took us 3 years and I am definitely more myself now than when we were still struggling through infertility. And like you I became bitter, jealous and angry. And we started trying before we were married as well, so like you it almost felt like our marriage surrounded it.

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  15. Yes, yes, yes! I can relate so much to this post. We started trying about two years into our relationship, right before we got married and while it "only" took 2.5 years to conceive this baby I know how hard that time was on our relationship (we also never had the "Hmmm, maybe something is wrong." stage of TTC as we knew going in that I had fertility issues of unknown origin). Thank you for writing this. I am so happy that we are both coming out the other side of the journey.

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