Yes, I'm that (crazy) bitch!

One day, not too long ago, I was feeling happy and positive regarding my weight loss. Buster and I had plans to go to a new restaurant downtown with our best friends, and I decided to get a new cute dress to wear. I had been uncomfortable wearing a dress for so many months, I was happy to shed my jeans and full-coverage shirts.

On my lunch break, I drove up to TJ Maxx. They always have cute dresses! And I was not disappointed when I got in there. I took armfuls of clothes into the fitting room. The fitting room attendant already hated me, I'm fairly certain. I think she's Russian. She barely speaks English, and likes to give dirty looks. I'm afraid of her.

Anyway, I left the fitting room with 4 super cute dresses! As I am exiting the fitting room area, I see the shoe section. Below is a diagram which should help you picture this scenario:

So, because I have giant feet (size 10!), I walk to the wall of shoes for big feet. I see a couple pairs that catch my eye, grab them, and have a seat at the bench. I set my purse along with my 4 dresses on the (tiny) bench, and try on my first pair. They are a pair of black patent-leather slingback peeptoe Guess pumps with a cork heel. Can you say CUTE?! I can! I put them on, walk over to the mirror, admire my beautiful feet (lol) and head back over to the bench. I sit, take off the Guess pumps, and try on another pair (Charles David). I leave the Guess pumps under the bench, and walk over to the mirror to check out the Charles David shoes. Meh. Not nearly as cute as the Guess ones!

So I head back over to my bench to put my shoes back on, and notice that the Guess pumps are NOWHERE to be found!! WTF! I *just* took them off, and walked like 5 steps away. As you can see in the diagram, those green circles are women and those purple/pink boxes are shopping carts. There were two friends with babies (of course) in their shopping carts chatting away. I peek around the corner, thinking that perhaps one of the ladies mistakenly grabbed my shoes. As I am peeking, I see one of the girls (the green dot that is furthest away from me) getting ready to round the corner heading towards the 5/6 shoes. I barely caught a glimpse of her, but what I did see was a flash of patent leather!!! SHE HAD MY SHOES ON!!!!

Who steals someone's shoes from a bench that has their purse on it?! Seriously!! So I start to get angry. I'm talking to myself, wondering what I should do. I wanted those shoes! I was going to be wearing them out to dinner! They matched one of my dresses!

So as I'm shaking and muttering to myself, pacing around, I decide to confront her. Yep.

I walk down the aisle between the mirror and bench, and round the corner as shoe-stealing-bitch is taking off a shoe, saying to her friend, "I don't know if I should get them..." That was my cue...

Me: Um, hi, sorry to interrupt... I was actually getting ready to buy those shoes. If they were on that bench down there (I pointed), I was going to purchase them... (I trail off).

Her: I got these over there, I swear! (She continues on here, but I stop listening).

As she's explaining to me where she got them, I see a sticker on the shoe. The sticker is bright ass pink, and has a giant 8 on it.

Size 8.

Yep.

Not the same pair.

I then start to apologize profusely, and say that I think I'm going crazy because the shoes I was going to get are missing. I walk away, red-faced and still shaking, embarrassed out of my fucking mind! And it's even worse because I know they are looking at each other like, "What is this crazy girl's problem??"

I make one more trip back to the bench to gather up my stuff, and look once more for the Guess shoes. And I see them... on the shelf. I had put them back on the shelf. I'm not even on hormones anymore. Wtf. Am I senile??

I practically run to the check out line at this point. The line is long, of course, and slow moving. I keep glancing over my shoulder, not wanting to see those girls and their smug faces and accusatory looks. Finally it's my turn at the register. After what seems like a CENTURY, the cashier hands me my receipt and I head for the door, head-down and determined to make it to my car ASAP.

As I push the glass door open and start to step out to freedom, the motherfucking alarm goes off.

Sigh.

I have to go back in because they forgot to take the tag off of one of my dresses.

I am mortified. Horrified. Embarrassed. Ashamed. Any similar adjective you can think of, that was me.

After they remove the tag, I briskly walk to my car, get in, slam the door, and take a couple deep breaths. What a shopping trip!!

Yes, I am that crazy bitch who accuses people of stealing shoes that aren't even technically hers yet.

But, you know, I would do it again for these shoes. That's how amazing they are.

You may now feel better about yourself, and you are welcome. :)