Monday, October 15, 2012

January's full circle

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Which makes this post on my recent realization incredibly apropos.

January of 2012 was the worst month of my life. The news that our baby's heart was no longer beating wasn't the way I envisioned kicking off the new year. And four days later, I had surgery to remove my baby from my belly. If only I had scheduled a lobotomy at the same time.

The weeks that followed my D&C were painstaking. I was broken, dejected, sad, angry, bitter and depressed. Time stood still.

Reading my posts from January bring me to tears. It just happened, right this second. The pain of a loss is unfuckingbearable. That's the truth.

Writing about my feelings saved me. The support I received from this incredible community saved me. Honestly. You all may never know how much your words meant to me in that darkest hour. But they kept me propped up and afloat (albeit barely).

I've come quite far in the past ten months. Not only emotionally, but in my journey versus infertility.

Time does heal, although it will never make you forget. I still get horribly sad when I think about the loss of my first pregnancy. A pregnancy we worked so long and so hard for. We thought we had done it, beaten the odds. Pregnant after 4 1/2 years. And then the rug was pulled out from under us.

Even though I am now 27 weeks pregnant, I can't and won't shake the feelings of sadness and hopelessness that accompany remembering my loss. But it's not my focus, as it was back in the early months of 2012.

I soberly remember my past, but all the while I embrace my present and future.

My long-wished-for Henry should arrive in January of 2013. I'm so excited to meet him, but also to plant some happy memories in a month that desperately needs them.

6 comments:

  1. Your strength amazes me, thinking of you on this day. So glad that you will have new meaning to the month of January. Take care!

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  2. Thinking of you. I'm glad that things will be coming full circle for you. I really sympathize with what you said about needing to plant some happy memories. Christmas was like that for us last year. (*hugs*)

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  3. So looking forward to January. Forgetting isn't possible, but healing and movng forward certainly is.

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  4. Amen sister. I feel you and am in the same place. I am excited to be having babies so close to each other.

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  5. Full circle indeed. I know next January will not erase the pain of last one, but it will be so nice to think of the month as filled with joy and happiness, too.

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  6. I felt the same way when pregnant my first time. I think I was about the same weeks too, somewhere around 25-27. It got to November when my EDD should have been and even tho I was well on my way to expected it was a tough month...

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