and I'll find strength in pain
As infertiles, we are faced with so many choices. Which RE to choose? Which drugs to take this cycle? To BD or not to BD? To POAS or not? Take a break cycle or no? Chart our BBT or no? Do we confide in others and tell them of our struggles, or suffer silently?
But the most fundamental of our choices is deciding whether or not to continue fighting. To give up, throw in the towel. Or keep on standing after each fall.
It's a tough choice at times. It gets tougher after a failed cycle, or bad test results, or a plethora of other circumstances. It typically never gets to be an easier decision, unfortunately.
Have I felt like giving up in the past? Hell yes. I've tried to picture Buster and I living a child-free life. Could we do it? Yes. Do we want to? Obviously not.
I know this path will only get harder for me. As soon as my sister-in-law or sister gets pregnant, or my brother knocks up a chick, well... I may need to be committed. Those potential circumstances loom on the horizon, and I know they will eventually catch up to me.
The only option though, to me, is to just continue on. One cycle at a time, one week at a time, one day, one breath, one fleeting second at a time. Give this infertile a couple more years of continual shitstorm, though, and I'll be surrendering. I can't do this forever.
___________________________________
Mumford and Sons: The Cave
But the most fundamental of our choices is deciding whether or not to continue fighting. To give up, throw in the towel. Or keep on standing after each fall.
It's a tough choice at times. It gets tougher after a failed cycle, or bad test results, or a plethora of other circumstances. It typically never gets to be an easier decision, unfortunately.
Have I felt like giving up in the past? Hell yes. I've tried to picture Buster and I living a child-free life. Could we do it? Yes. Do we want to? Obviously not.
I know this path will only get harder for me. As soon as my sister-in-law or sister gets pregnant, or my brother knocks up a chick, well... I may need to be committed. Those potential circumstances loom on the horizon, and I know they will eventually catch up to me.
The only option though, to me, is to just continue on. One cycle at a time, one week at a time, one day, one breath, one fleeting second at a time. Give this infertile a couple more years of continual shitstorm, though, and I'll be surrendering. I can't do this forever.
___________________________________
Mumford and Sons: The Cave
Boy, everyone around me seems to write out just what I'm thinking.
ReplyDeleteIt's awful that any of us have to even think these things.
Stay strong and keep trying until you absolutely cant anymore!! Sending love and prayers your way!!
ReplyDeleteI have a list of songs that have "struck a cord" with me during our IF struggles. Sometimes it's a whole song, sometimes a couple of lines, sometimes just one line. The Cave has been on my list since last winter. I love that line (and I love the band). When I'm in the car alone I sing it as loud and with as much conviction as I can. It's a great anthem for me.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to determine when to keep fighting, and when to give up. Keep up the fight, until you can't anymore. You'll know when it's time to stop, until then just keep going, one day at a time. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteAt some point, I think you just realize you can't keep pushing yourself emotionally and physically, and you make a choice to step away. That doesn't have to mean away from becoming a parent, but away from the exhausting month-after-month drill. Maybe it'll be adoption, maybe it'll be taking a break for a year or two (ha! Can we even do that?), maybe it'll be looking into donors. I totally hear you, I'm kind of in this place myself.
ReplyDeleteIt's really important to remember that even if you don't get pregnant naturally and decide to move on (whatever that means for you), you have NOT failed. Have. Not. You're kind of a champion, really, after enduring all that you've been through. You're stronger (but probably more tired... ), but no less.
Amen.
ReplyDeleteKeep fighting as long as you've got some fight left in you!
ReplyDeleteI absolutely LOVE Mumford & Sons and can say that this song is my absolute favorite by them. I call it my "angry" song. In fact, I had an "angry" moment in the car this morning and was blaring this song until I could hear nothing else. Please dont give up. It's soooo, sooo hard, but please dont give up. YOu are going to be the most amazing mother some day. Soon.
ReplyDeletePS: Have you heard "White Blank Page"? THat's also my angry song! "A white blank page, and a swelling rage. Rage. You did not think when you sent me to the brink. To the brink". Love!
ReplyDeleteJen is totally right about it being an "angry: song. Check out Ungodly Hour by The Fray for a TTC sad song when you're in the mood.
ReplyDeleteI think about this all the time- the what to do next ?
ReplyDeleteI just wish there was a right answer some place.
thinking of you...
I have been pondering giving up, but I don't think I can. What a great post - well said!!
ReplyDelete