Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Reproductively abnormal

The TTC Tunnel.

I find myself facing a relapse. This seems to happen frequently when AF is knocking at the door. She's not here yet, but I know she will be (and probably by tomorrow).

I'm feeling lost. I feel like I'm looking down a dark, scary tunnel. The TTC tunnel. There is no light at the end of this tunnel for me. At least none that I can see right now.

Don't get me wrong, my life is wonderful. Buster and I have been having a great summer, and Kelsey is my precious little princess. She is so sweet and cheers me up when I'm feeling down.

But sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees, ya know?

The world of reproductive immunology is vast and confusing. The fact that the only RE in my town is not only a douche, but also does not buy in to immune issues relating to infertility, well... that leaves me feeling hopeless.

Times like this I wish I lived in Chicago. Or Las Vegas. Or NYC. Or California. Somewhere where OPTIONS exist. I am tired of having no feasible options.

There are other immune tests I probably should have done. I can't find any answers from the online community as to confirm IVF as my only option. I want to be able to fix my immune issues naturally. I want to be able to save myself $10k+. I want a gluten-free diet to fix me. And fish oil. And whatever other OTC supplements I can shove down my throat.

I want to be reproductively normal.

I don't like trying to explain what antiphospholipid antibodies are to my family. I don't want to hear the advice from my male cousin, to "just adopt".

I want the inherent right promised to me by generations of women who popped babies out, one after the other, with no problems.

I don't want to think about my body attacking and killing my potential babies. I don't want to read scientific studies on immunology.

I don't want to feel hopeless.

I took a pregnancy test yesterday. Why would I do that to myself, you ask? Because I'm a fucking masochist. I thought that *maybe*, just maybe, because of my new healthy diet and the removal of so many bad foods from my diet, I hoped that somehow my body decided to repay me in kind.

You can guess the outcome. $4 down the pisser.

I'm a freak of nature in the immunology world as well. Most women who have tested positive for APA (antiphospholipid antibodies) have had recurrent miscarriages. Not me. Who knows if the APA/Natural Killer Cell issue is even my REAL issue.

Maybe I'm just broken. Beyond repair. Well, beyond cheap repair, that is.

13 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry about the BFN, and for the lost feelings. Sending you much love as you figure out which path to take...

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  2. I am so sorry. It is such a hard place to be in, to have no real answers and no concrete plan or way to fix things.
    I hope that you find your path.
    Thinking of you.

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  3. Thinking of you. And by the way, antiphospholipid antibodies are not some kind of hocus pocus, even the most conservative docs. Would it be worth travelling to do treatment? Maybe even in Europe? For awhile I was seriously considering doing IVF in the Czech republic where it's TONS less per cycle, even with travel expenses. Or even within our own country. IT really sucks to not have a good answer. :(

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  4. Well if you are a freak of nature than we all are. Sorry that you don't have the resources available to you that you need. Is there any chance you could travel to bigger city or do a skype interview with an RE somewhere else. I am also reproductively abnormal and it sucks. It feels so hopeless but we have to keep our chins up and try to be as proactive as we can. Good luck to you and I hope you are feeling better about things soon!

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  5. I am so right there with you. No end in sight here. No real diagnosis. No RE's within a 3 hour drive. But still, loving my husband and trying to be positive despite the constant rain coming our way. I'll hate your body along with mine today as AF knocks on both our doors yet again.

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  6. I'm so sorry (*hugs*) It's a tough situation to be in, and I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish there were more options for a lot of us, and I wish that you had more answers (and less douchey REs options for sure).

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  7. :( I'm so sorry. Sending you some hugs.

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  8. Hi and thanks for the comment on my blog today. I have to say I SO get where you are! I'm so sorry for the BFN. :( I have no idea why we're so masochistic! So, anyway....I for sure have endo (after a lap diagnosis) and gluten-, dairy-, and meat-free eating has helped TREMENDOUSLY! I thought for sure I had elevated NK activity, because I rarely got sick and developed allergies. After changing my diet my RE reported I have normal NK activity. I'll never know if the diet helped, because I didn't test before (my old RE was also a douche and didn't believe in this stuff affecting fertility). I went to Sher (even though I had to travel) and LOVED him! Even though I had a chemical, it's the most pregnant I've ever been (I also had one chemical our first time TTC and that's it).

    Even though it may take longer, natural means to targeting APAs and NKs is possible! And it helps us crazy IFers feel a bit more in control, too. I wish you much luck in your journey!

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  9. I think you're off to a great start on supplements! I suggest adding liquid chlorophyll too. It helps move the NK cells to where they actually should be. I drink 100 mg (1 tablespoon) with pomegranate juice, grapefruit juice, and acai 2x a day. It makes the poo green, but it's one of the best supplements anyone could drink, increased NK cells or not!

    I'm about 80% gluten free because of my endometriosis. It's very hard to stick to! The breads go bad within 3-5 days of buying it so I'm literally throwing money away, the bread is also super hard and sometimes difficult to swallow (chew thoroughly!), and the tortillas I've used can't hold much and break in my hand. Other than that it all tastes amazing! I love GF baking! The chocolate chip cookie mix I buy makes the best cookies I've ever had in my life and I'm an awful baker! Lots of cereal brands are switching to GF and you can find most at Walmart now so it should make it a little easier on you.

    I completely understand about the RE issue... We went to Vegas last fall and absolutely loved it! Our ultimate goal is to move to Henderson, NV (suburb of Vegas) in the next year. I doubt I'll see Dr. Sher, but they have so many more RE options! I have 2 three hours away and one of them only does IVF.

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  10. I'm so sorry you're feeling so down! This roller coaster is an awful one to ride, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. What changed your mind about travelling for the Aug cycle with Dr. S?

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  11. Just want to leave a comment to say, "hello!" I found you from the TWW boards, and I've been "catching up" on your blog! Didn't wanna lurk and not comment!! TTC is a crappy tunnel to be staring down - best wishes to you!!

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  12. Here from LFCA. I don't know much about immunology issues, but you may want to take a look at this blog: http://lettheivfrollercoasterridebegin.blogspot.com

    After many losses, she did IVF and had intensive treatment for immune issues, which worked! She gives a lot of information on the issues she has faced and the treatment she had for it.

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  13. I never had a pregancy or a miscarriage until my 2nd IVF using donor eggs. I had a chemical on that pregnancy, and THAT'S when my RE decided to tell me about having an immunological work-up. I tested negative for APA but positive for elevated NK cells and something called alloimmunity. So same deal-- my body treats embryos like cancer. We gave a last ditch effort and tried a month of aspirin + lov.enox + foll.istim + fe.mara with my OWN eggs and tried a sperm donor (I'm a lesbian) of a different race just for kicks, and it worked. Pregnant on an IUI that month, and now I have a 2 1/2 year old. My RE tried that protocol on the advice of an immunologist friend who works in organ transplant and donor organ rejection studies. Really, we might have just been throwing shit at the wall, but something worked after 2 1/2 years of stuff NOT working. Find yourself an RE who is not a quack and who understands at least a little something about the role of the immune system in reproduction. Hugs.

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