|The TTC Tunnel.|
I find myself facing a relapse. This seems to happen frequently when AF is knocking at the door. She's not here yet, but I know she will be (and probably by tomorrow).
I'm feeling lost. I feel like I'm looking down a dark, scary tunnel. The TTC tunnel. There is no light at the end of this tunnel for me. At least none that I can see right now.
Don't get me wrong, my life is wonderful. Buster and I have been having a great summer, and Kelsey is my precious little princess. She is so sweet and cheers me up when I'm feeling down.
But sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees, ya know?
The world of reproductive immunology is vast and confusing. The fact that the only RE in my town is not only a douche, but also does not buy in to immune issues relating to infertility, well... that leaves me feeling hopeless.
Times like this I wish I lived in Chicago. Or Las Vegas. Or NYC. Or California. Somewhere where OPTIONS exist. I am tired of having no feasible options.
There are other immune tests I probably should have done. I can't find any answers from the online community as to confirm IVF as my only option. I want to be able to fix my immune issues naturally. I want to be able to save myself $10k+. I want a gluten-free diet to fix me. And fish oil. And whatever other OTC supplements I can shove down my throat.
I want to be reproductively normal.
I don't like trying to explain what antiphospholipid antibodies are to my family. I don't want to hear the advice from my male cousin, to "just adopt".
I want the inherent right promised to me by generations of women who popped babies out, one after the other, with no problems.
I don't want to think about my body attacking and killing my potential babies. I don't want to read scientific studies on immunology.
I don't want to feel hopeless.
I took a pregnancy test yesterday. Why would I do that to myself, you ask? Because I'm a fucking masochist. I thought that *maybe*, just maybe, because of my new healthy diet and the removal of so many bad foods from my diet, I hoped that somehow my body decided to repay me in kind.
You can guess the outcome. $4 down the pisser.
I'm a freak of nature in the immunology world as well. Most women who have tested positive for APA (antiphospholipid antibodies) have had recurrent miscarriages. Not me. Who knows if the APA/Natural Killer Cell issue is even my REAL issue.
Maybe I'm just broken. Beyond repair. Well, beyond cheap repair, that is.