Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The universe is trying to break me, but I think I'm already broken

For those of you who have been following me for quite some time, you will perhaps remember the horror stories I told once upon a time about the waiting room of my OBGYN's office. I have referred to that particular shit show as the "preggo parade". It is a revolving door of baby bellies. They enter the waiting room, sign in, get called back, and leave. Then the next one shows up. All the while, I sit there. And watch. And mourn.

Today, for my annual exam appointment, it was no different. You know those montages they have in movies, where someone stays in one place (for example, sitting in a waiting room chair...), and everyone else around them is in fast-forward? That was me. That's what I envisioned was happening to me. I was in a movie. A horror movie.

But honestly, I expected this. I expect it when I go to this office. I've never seen a not-pregnant lady there. I'm the only weirdo having an annual exam, baby-bump-free.

Finally, after 30 minutes of sitting there, I get called back. The nurse, decked out in her Crocs, shows me to the scale (which for once I wasn't completely dreading!!) and then takes me to my room. She asks me the customary questions (Are you on birth control? When was your last period? What medications are you taking?).

While we are going over this positively riveting information, I keep hearing these sounds. It sounded to me like someone talking or breathing into their headset while Buster is playing Call of Duty. Lots of static noises. I ask the nurse if someone is playing a video game next door.

"No," she says laughing, "that's the ultrasound of a baby in the next room. When the baby moves and jumps around, it sounds like that."

"Oh," I reply.

WTF! Do they have that shit on surround sound in there? Are you kidding me?? Not only do I have to look at the bellies these little babies reside in, but I also (along with the parents) get to hear the baby moving around. Oh fanfuckingtastic!

We get through the rest of our conversation, although I couldn't tell you what else happened. All I could do was listen to the baby, and try not to hear it. The nurse leaves me with the stupid gown to put on. I change and plop down on the paper-covered exam table.

As I'm sitting there, awkwardly waiting for the doctor, I hear a new sound from the room. A heartbeat. The loudest heartbeat I've ever heard. Reverberating off the walls. Bouncing at me from every direction. Punching me square in the gut, repeatedly. Then happy voices, talking excitedly.

The tears well up in my eyes. I say, out loud to myself (yes, because I'm that crazy infertile bitch who talks to herself!), "Hold it together. Hold it the fuck together."

I cry a little, wipe the tears, fan dry my eyes with my hands like a maniac. I think to myself, "It can only get better from here, right?"


Enter my doctor. And nurse. And some chick who I have no idea who she is, other than she was wearing a white coat like a doctor.

The whole exam portion of the appointment happens uneventfully. As I sit up and try to make myself decent, he asks me if I ever ended up going to my former RE. I tell him yes. He asks what we tried, and I told him, all the while on the verge of  bursting into tears at any moment. I also told him that I have an appointment with a new out-of-town RE on August 1st.

He sits down, and proceeds to tell me about some lady that he knows that had spent a quarter of a million dollars on fertility treatments. She claimed she was addicted. She tried all new protocols and any new drug she could. I told him I could completely relate with that, given I had the money to do so.

Then he tells me that he and his wife tried IVF. He didn't realize how many different phases there were to IVF, and how so many different things could go wrong. He said that they were never able to transfer any of his wife's eggs, because they dissolved in the lab (????). Instead, they adopted.

He then goes into a 20 minute story about the adoption process, international adoption, orphanages in Guatemala, women lining up to give their babies away, etc. He finished up the conversation by saying that he wanted to plant a seed with me, and wanted me to know that there is more than one way to have a baby.

I could barely keep it together. Seriously, only barely did I make it through that conversation.

I have nothing against adoption. Shit, I may go down that road someday. But I don't want to think about it right now. Right now, I want to have a baby. I want to be pregnant. I want a child that has my husband's eyes. I want to even just try IVF.

I know he was just being nice. He is a genuinely caring doctor.

However, it was awful to sit through. After everything else that had happened thus far at this appointment, this was just the icing on the proverbial cake.

As soon as he and his sidekicks left the room, I cried. Not just a meek cry. A sob. You know that ugly kind of cry, that you don't want anyone to see you do. All the while listening to the heartbeat of another couple's dream come true.


  1. Fucking hell, thats horrible. I really can't believe, in this day and age, that these are still happening. Would it be so terribly inconvenient to dedicate one morning or afternoon, or even day, to non-pregnant people in for routine check ups/whatever else non-preggies might be in for. And if someone can't make it on that schedule, for staff to mention that there might be preggie people so see and hear (and smell and touch - not!!).

    I was all loving that doctor until that adoption spiel started. That makes me sooooooo angry. Putting my thoughts together on adoption as we speak. Isn't it amazing that even those going through this shitty nightmare still come out with this adoption talk. Like duh. NO. I never considered it once in the last however many years.

    I'm all affronted now!

  2. I'm so sorry - what a nightmare! As well meaning as some may be, it really isn't someone else's place to tell you what you should and should not be considering on your road to becoming a family. We all know the options are out there - we don't need someone pushing it on us. It's your decision and choice what options you will pursue, and when. Sending love and support...

  3. This is too much to handle, I'm so very sorry. Nobody should have to live through that kind of hell...


  4. Awww :( This breaks my heart :( i know how you feel.. Altho, I do not have the same diagnosis as you, I too know the feeling of being at the OBGYN's office "trying" to figure out what is wrong with me, and all these pregnant woman walk in.. And, the 16 year old girls that come in with their moms who are all on welfare.. ugh! It's upsetting and frustrating.. My husband and I weren't able to try due to me being on blood thinners, due to my blood clot, and at this time we found out my sister who has 3 kids was expecting.. I was crushed.. Heartbroken.. I wanted this so bad.. Why did it have to be so hard for me?? Why all these obstacles.. Fortunately, now we are expecting, but I can totally relate and sympathize with you.. I'm so sorry you are going through this.. I hope your new RE gives you some answers, and some more hope :)

  5. In tears reading this, Kara. I totally feel your pain.:( So frustrating it's unbelievable.

  6. Oh man, that is such a dreadful thing to have to go through. I'm so sorry that you had to listen to that during your appointment and that things just seemed to continue to go downhill. I have high hopes that your RE will be exactly what you need and you'll be preggers very very soon!!

  7. I cannot believe this....I hate people. Just kidding, i don't hate people all of the time....well, sometimes I do:) I absolutely cannot believe you were in this situation. I agree that the doc has no right to push you down that road or to offer his suggestions in that area - that has absolutely nothing to do with physically having a child, which is his job. Adoption process is not his job. This just pisses me off and now I want to cry to because I cannot imagine going through this. I, however, can relate to the sea of bellies though. We have been TTC for 2 1/2 years and are no closer to conceiving today than we were 2 1/2 years ago, and still, no answers - unexplained infertility. F***ing infertility!

  8. People don't realize how insensitive it can be to push adoption. I wish I was surprised by your doctor's actions. In the end he's just a guy that doesn't know what to say. I'm sorry you had a bad day.

  9. I'm so sorry. What a nightmare. I've been there before - going to the doc's office and hearing the heartbeat coming from another room. It totally sucks. Just totally and completely sucks.

  10. I'm so sorry you had to go through that! I'm impressed you were able to keep it to a pretty cry before the doc came in. Every time I go back to my OB/GYN she asks how its going and I can't even keep it together to tell her. Its like every annual exam is a reminder that my body is failing me, oh and my husband too. The line you wrote about wanting to see busters eyes in your child totally made me cry. I would do anything for that, well not for buster's eyes, blue's.

  11. I remember sitting in my OB/GYN office after my miscarriage and looking around at all the pregnant ladies. I had to go every other day until my HCG level was 0. It was HORRIBLE! What a slap in the face. It took all I had to not ball every time I was sitting there. I know this is not going to make a difference, but just a little insight from one infertile to another, when I was the pg woman in the office I dreaded being there for fear that one of the women in there was struggling! It always crossed my mind that I was the one inflicting that pain this time instead of the other way around. I hope one day soon you can be on the other side. I cry as I read your post because it's all still so familiar. The hurt is unlike any other.

    Kandice (This is the Journey God Chose)

  12. Yuck. Sometimes the universe conspires to put babies in front of you at every chance. I haven't had that experience (ah, and now I've said it I'm sure I will), so I can't even imagine what it's like to hear someone else's baby. Weird. Sad. I'm sure you have lots on your mind now, anyway - new doc to see, new diagnosis, new hope? It sounds like this doc was coming from a good place, though, and was trying to share what was a breakthrough for them, seeing your pain. The intention was good, the timing wasn't... Hope you're feeling better - sending happy thoughts your way.

  13. Oh god, you're going to make me cry now. **HUGS**
    I'm so sorry you had such an experience like that.
    I really hope the new RE will be able to help you get your baby.
    Your baby will have your DH's eyes and your wit :D A total winning combo!
    **HUGS AGAIN**

  14. oh god, I am so very sorry.. how you survived that I just don't know..
    some people just LOVE to give all their solutions thinking it will help, when it actaully doesn't..

  15. Ffs this was awful. I am so sorry you had to live through that experience

  16. I'm so sorry you had to live through that. Your doctor could lose his license for that little talk he had with you. It was incredibly unprofessional, and poor medical advice, since he is NOT a specialist and obviously doesn't have a clue. Eggs dissolving ??? is that a professional term? And seriously, does he even know that there is such a thing as donor eggs, or embryo donation out there? They are both just as good a possibility as adoption. Grrr..

    My crotch doc's practice actually has a 'not able to get pregnant' waiting room...I kid you not. When I was undergoing extensive treatment prior to surgery for my fibroid they used to stick me in there. It was the most depressing place on Earth. It felt and looked like a waiting room in a funeral home, and I was always in there alone. They piped in music to the exam rooms, too, but I could still hear the heartbeats all around. Heartbreaking :(

  17. So sorry! That sounds just awful! I really hope your IVF brings you success and you become one of those ladies all giddy with glee listening to your baby! It will feel so heavenly to be on the other side. I wish you luck!

  18. Just a tid bit of info that I hope is way more useful than telling you to go adopt as it will solve all your woes- you can mail (anonymously) a box of poo to anyone-and even select the type of poo you would like to send! It's glorious!

    Actually I'm broken enough myself-that if you want to tell me who he is, I might just go to his office and leave a big ol steaming pile on his desk-and even make sure to eat a lot of corn the day before...because what could be worse than a steaming pile of poo on your desk?
    You guessed right!!
    A steaming pile of corn poo on your desk!
    Big virtual hugs!

  19. It was only when through a consult with my RE that I realized it had been 2 years since my last annual. I subjected myself to something similar (squeeling couple in the ultrasound room with the door open? Wha??) I HATE that place. I wish they would provide exams for non-pregnant women from 7-8 am or something like that so I don't have to even SEE another pregnant woman if I didn't want to. Grrr.

  20. Horrible, horrible, horrible. They should design these places better.


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