Full-circle: "Just Relax!"
Just Relax.
That's all I want to do.
During all my years of TTC, I scoffed at the advice to "Just Relax". Never once did I seriously consider relaxing. You fight for what you want, after all, right? And fight I did. Tooth and nail.
After so many years, months, days, hours, minutes and seconds of stressing, worrying, trying, researching, and fighting, I think that's all I know how to do.
And I don't want to anymore. I don't want to stress. I don't want to research. I don't want to worry.
I want to enjoy my incredibly new pregnancy. My first pregnancy, ever. I want to take comfort in the fact that my test line is beating the control line. That I'm still peeing more frequently than before. That I am still having little bouts of nausea. That I'm not spotting, nor having any AF-like symptoms.
But the truth is I'm worried sick.
And I know I shouldn't be. Or maybe I should be. Who knows?
It's quite the conundrum, honestly. I know how I want be feeling and acting, but I can't force myself to get there. I can't let go of my fears and worries and doubts.
Because of all of my past disappointment in this realm, I'm expecting something to go wrong.
Am I an awful person because of that?
Will it get easier to accept that this is happening to me?
My third beta is on Monday. I'm on pins and needles, and already wishing away my weekend.
That's all I want to do.
During all my years of TTC, I scoffed at the advice to "Just Relax". Never once did I seriously consider relaxing. You fight for what you want, after all, right? And fight I did. Tooth and nail.
After so many years, months, days, hours, minutes and seconds of stressing, worrying, trying, researching, and fighting, I think that's all I know how to do.
And I don't want to anymore. I don't want to stress. I don't want to research. I don't want to worry.
I want to enjoy my incredibly new pregnancy. My first pregnancy, ever. I want to take comfort in the fact that my test line is beating the control line. That I'm still peeing more frequently than before. That I am still having little bouts of nausea. That I'm not spotting, nor having any AF-like symptoms.
But the truth is I'm worried sick.
And I know I shouldn't be. Or maybe I should be. Who knows?
It's quite the conundrum, honestly. I know how I want be feeling and acting, but I can't force myself to get there. I can't let go of my fears and worries and doubts.
Because of all of my past disappointment in this realm, I'm expecting something to go wrong.
Am I an awful person because of that?
Will it get easier to accept that this is happening to me?
My third beta is on Monday. I'm on pins and needles, and already wishing away my weekend.
It's totally normal to worry at this point. I didn't really stop until week 13 or 14. Just accept what you are going through, worry and all, and know that no matter what happens, you will be okay.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard isn't it? I alternate between being hopeful/excited and anxious/negative. There are so many obstacles to overcome still. You're lucky to get a 3rd beta. I need to have a 2ww til my ultrasound on 12/15.
ReplyDeleteTotally normal. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think I finally relaxed around 20 weeks and just started enjoying my pregnancy and feeling confident about meeting my baby at the end. Still, TRYING to relax is always a good thing. :)
ReplyDeleteI was a stress machine until 12 weeks, and I hate to admit it but I still check the tp every time looking for spotting... guess some parts of IF don't want to go away! When is your first US?
ReplyDeleteI totally get it. My mom kept saying, just because it was hard for you to get pregnant doesn't mean you will have problems staying pregnant. Ture, but I am also not naive to the awful things that can happen.
ReplyDeleteI checked the tp adn didn't relax until week 20 or so. And I only stopped freaking out then because I could feel the baby kick and thank God she was active!
One piece of advice for you, don't google anything. It is a bad idea, great for IF research bad for pregnancy.
Life is so ironic i many different ways right... its crazy how it all works out... i hope you are able to "chill" a bit and that Buster will help with that, i know your numbers will be GREAT on Monday and you just need to get through it and then whoooo breathe !:D :D :D
ReplyDeleteIt's impossible to totally relax until you have a baby in your arms, but you stop being terrified little by little. First you have your first ultrasound, then scans at 12 weeks, you feel movement, and so on and so on. Every step brings you closer to relaxed.
ReplyDeleteSure, it's possible you may not get to all those steps...but don't think about that. Chances are you will! And your pregnancy will be so much better for having enjoyed every minute that you have. So if you can't relax, at least try to enjoy the ride a little. Check out some baby clothes on line, cruise the baby names. Trust me, fate is NOT going to come and smack you on the ass for being hopeful and happy for a minute or two. Try it :)
I'm right there with you and was thinking of writing a similar post. Fingers crossed that this works for the both of us.
ReplyDeleteIt's completely normal to be worried, especially after everything you've gone through. For now though, try to enjoy (*hugs*) I know it's easier said than done, but nothing bad has happened... so take it one day at a time, and remember that for now, in this instant, you are pregnant and everything is okay! Hang in there, and good luck on beta #3!
ReplyDeleteAgain this is proof just how cruel IF can be and what a roller coaster ride we have to endure. I know you want to relax and enjoy it, and I think that peace and relaxation will find you soon. Wishing you the most successful beta on Monday followed by some relief!
ReplyDeleteoh hun, your not awful at all. Infertility scars you, trust me the worry won't stop. I worried right through until labor. Every few weeks it was a new concern I had. Although I enjoyed oregnancy a lot- I couldn't 100% relax. It just wasn't going to happen, after 2 years TTC, and all the horrible stories I had heard. Dr. Google can be your best friend or your worst enemy! The odds are now in your favor, just remember that. It's going to be tough getting to that "safe" mark, but you will. :)
ReplyDeleteJust stumbled upon you blog from another blog. Hoping for the best for you beta. I like your blog, especially the symptoms part. I find it very real and helpful for those going through the same thing. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to second (or third or fourth) what everyone else is saying...it's normal to worry. You will worry whether you'll make it to the second trimester, you'll worry about whether or not to do genetic testing, you'll worry about every ultrasound and the facial expressions from the tech, you'll worry if you are feeling enough kicks. And then once he/she's born, you'll worry if they are eating enough, sleeping right, too hot/too cold. Point is, it never ends. BUT, in all this worry are the wonderful moments that you can take solice in...you are going to be a MOM! And as wonderful as being a mommy is, it is also full of worry (that is your new job, afterall). :)
ReplyDeleteI think it's totally normal to feel stressed and anxious. It's all you've known for sometime now. It's going to take a while to reprogram. Some say once an IFer always, even when you become pregnant the worrying doesn't go away. I hope you can begin to relax and enjoy this pregnancy. Wishing you lots of trelaxation a
ReplyDeleteAw sweetie, I know it will get better. Every infertile I've met - whether they've had a miscarriage before or not - and whether they've had any reason to be scared or not - they ALL feel that way. I am praying for you all the time. Lots of love and hugs ~*~
ReplyDeleteI think for anyone that has been TTC for a while will always have worries.
ReplyDeleteIt would be nice if we all could turn in to a confident fertile who just KNOWS for a fact that she's going to have a baby b/c she got a BFP, but that's just not us.
Because of our struggles through this.. we're going to worry. When will it let up? Who knows.
It is totally normal to feel anxious about everything. I am almost 13 weeks and still feeling paranoid! Try to take comfort in the betas, symptoms, and the lack of spotting! So far everything is pointing to a strong pregnancy. If all else fails, just snuggle with your dog and wish the days away until your ultrasound :)
ReplyDeleteI wish I could say that worry changes but it doesn't not until you're holding your baby in your arms, then you'll have new worries :) I thought the same, believe me. I thought magically once I was pregnant, poof, all would be fine in the world but the pain of IF never leaves. To this day even though I have my 2 beautiful babies, it still hurts.
ReplyDelete