That's all I want to do.
During all my years of TTC, I scoffed at the advice to "Just Relax". Never once did I seriously consider relaxing. You fight for what you want, after all, right? And fight I did. Tooth and nail.
After so many years, months, days, hours, minutes and seconds of stressing, worrying, trying, researching, and fighting, I think that's all I know how to do.
And I don't want to anymore. I don't want to stress. I don't want to research. I don't want to worry.
I want to enjoy my incredibly new pregnancy. My first pregnancy, ever. I want to take comfort in the fact that my test line is beating the control line. That I'm still peeing more frequently than before. That I am still having little bouts of nausea. That I'm not spotting, nor having any AF-like symptoms.
But the truth is I'm worried sick.
And I know I shouldn't be. Or maybe I should be. Who knows?
It's quite the conundrum, honestly. I know how I want be feeling and acting, but I can't force myself to get there. I can't let go of my fears and worries and doubts.
Because of all of my past disappointment in this realm, I'm expecting something to go wrong.
Am I an awful person because of that?
Will it get easier to accept that this is happening to me?
My third beta is on Monday. I'm on pins and needles, and already wishing away my weekend.