Wednesday, September 29, 2010

"I wish I had a video camera..."

I just got back to work after my doctor's appointment with my new OBGYN. He was a very nice, quirky older gentleman. He was appalled at the way my "RE" told me my cervix was not normal, and he laughed at my jokes. He's a keeper! I will now refer to him as Doc H!

He said that the first (and only) time I took Clomid, back in March, and worked. I then responded by stating that I thought I would see multiple large follies from Clomid. He said no, that you see that more often with the injects. With Clomid, your hope is to cause ovulation and get a nice size follie. I ovulate on my own anyway, but I did get a nice follie, although I forget the exact size. So, he wrote me a prescription for 2 months of Clomid 50mg, which I am at peace with. I know I harped on about wanting a higher dose, but I trust this new doc, and hope that this will work.

I also explained to him what happened when I went to the "RE" on CD3 of last cycle (see this post for the full story!). Doc H was taken aback at how the "RE" handled that situation. After we talked about it, he informed me that the "RE" I was seeing is not in fact an RE!!! I was tricked. Even though I called and made an appointment at a Center for Reproductive Medicine, he was not an RE. This fact infuriates me! I guess I should have asked, but c'mon! Needless to say, I will not be seeing that "RE" (and now you know why I've been putting it in quotes this whole post!) again.

At this point, Doc H wants to see my cervix. He probably is curious as to what freaky looking organ I have in there that could cause the "RE" to be so rude. When he got up in there, he said "I wish I had a video camera to show you your cervix, because it is positively normal looking!" YAY! My cervix is normal again.

We talked some more and I asked more questions, including "Could the acidity levels in my vagina be killing the sperm?" Thankfully he did not seem to think it was an idiotic question. He said because I'm not taking any medication that would cause that, I'm not douching, and I'm not battling any vaginal infections, there would be no reason that the pH levels should be off.

Doc H also showed sympathy regarding my fertility struggles when I teared up at one point while explaining something. I really like him, and am really excited to start Clomid again.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

starting over

Well, kind of. I use the word "well" a lot, I've noticed. Sorry about that!

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my new OBGYN. He's a he, which is slightly disconcerting. I've gravitated toward women doctors, but times they are-a-changin!

One thing I do like about him, without ever having met him, is that he wants my records from the RE. My previous doc never asked to see them. He wants to see the records of the semen analysis that DH had, and whatever other records they have of me over there (I had several u/s there, plus an HSG). At least he will be (or should be!) well-prepared.

I really hope that he opts for a higher dose of Clomid. I feel like it's a waste to take 50 mg again when it didn't do anything special for me the first time.I supposed I will find out tomorrow!

Monday, September 27, 2010

12 dpo

The pics say it all :(


a bit of neurosis

Last night, as DH and I were watching East Bound & Down in the dark, I felt something tickle my neck. Chances are it was my own hair, but me being the crazy person I am, I convinced myself that it was a spider. I then proceed to feel around my neck, back of my shirt, and hair searching for this imaginary 8-legged intruder. Of course I found nothing, and really tried to dismiss the thought. After the show ended, I went into the bathroom to do my normal routine before bed while DH took the puppy out. I then get in bed and for the 10 minutes until DH got into bed, I lay there thinking about *if* there were a spider in my hair somewhere, could I get it out? I have thick hair! It might just burrow in there and make a nest and lay eggs. I also wondered if by taking a shower and washing my hair would kill the spider, and ultimately I decided that it would not.

Finally DH got into bed. I told him what I had been thinking off and on for the past 30 minutes or so, and he told me I was crazy. Well YEAH, we know that, but IS THERE A FREAKING SPIDER IN MY HAIR LAYING EGGS AND EATING IT'S WAY TO MY BRAIN?!

Thankfully, I didn't feel any spider-sized lumps on my scalp this morning while washing my hair. So I think I may just be ok afterall...

:)

Friday, September 24, 2010

the double-take

Do other TTC'ers utilize the double-take? I'm referring to when you see a pregnant lady. While at the convenience store this morning getting Trev's cigarettes and my cappuccino, I see a really cute preggo and her man. They were such a cute couple. I saw them in the aisle, and then did the patented double-take to confirm the pregnant belly. They probably think I'm nuts.

I kind of am, I suppose!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

abandonment

This past year I switched to a new gynecologist. She is an OBGYN and the practice where she works is one of the few in town that allows you to go to the regular hospital as opposed to the one affiliated with the university. I have not had any negative experience with the university hospital, but many others have, including my mom. I lost my baby brother when he was 2 months and I was 6 years old. My mom swears that the hospital did not do enough to save him (I will do a post on this story soon).

So anyway, my first appointment with my new doc was great. I instantly felt comfortable around her. She was someone I wouldn't mind hanging out with in the real world. I had a pap smear on that first visit, which is where they found the abnormal cells, eventually leading to my LEEP surgery.

Even though I've only been her patient for less than a year, I feel like we've been through a lot together. I really liked her as my doctor.

I got my mail at lunch today, and there was a letter from my doctor's office. My doctor has resigned, and is unsure of her future (w/e that means!). But, the letter was from the office, not from her. So if she was opening up her own practice or something, they may not let it be known. Or maybe she is just taking a break. Who knows.

I am really saddened by this news. I feel like I need to start all over with another doctor. I hate that. It's nice to finally feel comfortable with the person who has to examine your most private places. And now I don't have that.

Ideally, I'd like to stay at the current practice, but my choices for doctor would be between two men and an elderly lady. Those choices don't really appeal to me :(

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

that stupid saying about life and lemons and vodka

Sometimes the overwhelming nature of infertility and TTC takes over and I find it hard to stay afloat in it all. Life is stressful as it is, wouldn't you agree? I'm sure there are some lucky people out there who can depend on a trust fund or inheritance or possibly even the lottery, but most people stress over money. Family is another great stressor for me (but only sometimes!).

I hate to play the "life is unfair" game, but honestly, it IS unfair. It's not like I'm spending my time wishing for some crazy miracle. I'd just like mother nature and my body to cooperate and give me the gift of being a mother. It's been happening since, well, the beginning of time. It happens every day. It happens all around me. It happens to people who don't WANT it to happen.

You can't always get what you want, right? I guess that's the lesson I am being taught. I feel like a spoiled brat, whining about not getting what I want. But this isn't my sweet sixteen party and I'm not pissed because my new BMW is the wrong color.

I hate that TTC makes me so damn bipolar. One day I'm happy and bubbly, the next I'm sad and miserable. I worry that things I eat are affecting my potential to have a baby. I worry that I'm not taking enough supplements, that I'm not having sex enough around my O date, that maybe some of my hormones are out of whack or that maybe my VJJ juices are too acidic for sperm. Why in the shit should I have to worry about all that stuff?! Do you know anyone else who worries about the acidity of their vagina??? I hope you don't. I wish I didn't worry about all this random stuff.

It probably doesn't help that my Pandora is playing all kinds of sad music! I better change the station. Back That Ass Up by Juvenile always makes me happy...

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

6 dpo

I have stated several times on forums, FB, here, etc that I will not be POAS this cycle due to a lack of tests and lack of interest in wasting money. I changed my mind today, after some coaxing from my girls in my TTC buddy group. I ordered some Wondfos from Amazon. I just got 25 for $5.50. So by the time I'm at an acceptable DPO to test, they will have arrived.

Let the craziness commence!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

O detected!

FF has confirmed my first O post-LEEP! I had a really funky temp yesterday morning, but this morning's high-ish temp confirmed my O. Today I am officially 4dpo! I'm hoping to not stress and obsess during this TWW, but no promises! :)

Friday, September 17, 2010

you remind me of the babe!

Freakiest scene in a great movie!!

the good, the bad, and the ugly

the good: I got a raise today! Totally unexpected, and not huge, but hey... I like money! :)

the bad: My car was "broken into" last night. I have that in quotes because I'm an idiot and left it unlocked. So they just opened the door and didn't actually break anything. But, they left my Chanel sunglasses and decided instead to steal my gym bag with my Brooks running shoes and workout clothes. WTF?! Hope you like that comfy sports bra, weirdo! Like I needed any more excuses to not workout... ugh! Oh, and they broke into another car in the parking lot, stole his backpack and $125 school book and cologne, then deposited the cologne in my car. I was secretly hoping my gym bag would be in his truck, like a funny burglar switching people's belongings...alas, no such luck!

the ugly: I went to Olive Garden at lunch today. I had my legs crossed under the table. I had heels on, and so my knee on my top leg was pressed against the underside of the table. When I decided to reposition, I noticed that my pant leg was wanting to remain pressed to the underside of the table. Yes, my knee was pressed into someone's unwanted doublemint. Awesome!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Return of the CM

So, my cervix has a message to my doctors...

SUCK IT!

I have EWCM today! I should O in the next couple days, so it is right on schedule. Yay me! And yay my cervix! Pft, who needs a normal-looking cervix? Not this girl!

Monday, September 13, 2010

just waiting to O...

Waiting to ovulate is the worst. I can't obsess over imaginary symptoms, take cheapie HPTs, nothing! I'm so bored in this "waiting to O" time!

Today is CD11, and typically I ovulate on CD14. I think in the past I have not BD'd enough after my O date. I'm planning on rectifying that issue this cycle, and hopefully it does the trick!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

who is ready to party?

Kelsey is, in her borrowed party dress!


Ugh, can you imagine what tacky things I will dress my kids in if I ever have any?! I will be the queen of spam!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

oh yeah, spectacular advice!

I was thinking today about ridiculous things people have said to me, disguised as advice, on how to get pregnant. I've seen plenty of ladies post similar blog entries, and thought it was my turn!

"Just get on birth control, it worked for me." - DH's friend's baby mama. She obviously got pregnant on birth control. I'm sure that lowering my odds to 0.1% would definitely work for me, especially considering that on any given month I have a 20% chance of getting pregnant.Great advice!

"Just relax and let it happen!" - Everyone. Especially my mom, who loves to cite the random lady she works with who tried for 5 years and then gave up the procedures and obsessing and then got pregnant. Well, we tried not really trying for over two years, and it didn't work. I don't want to wait until my eggs are all shriveled up and gone, and my insides are like the wild west with tumbleweeds rolling by...

"Are you having sex at the right time?" - Friend. Oh, you have to have sex to get pregnant? Is that how you do it?! Shit, I've been doing it wrong all these months! (Ok, maybe I'm being harsh here, but c'mon. I had sex-ed once upon a time!)

"I bet if your DH quit smoking you would get pregnant" - Friend. Well, DH's sperm count would like to disagree with you. 120 million, 97% motility sample for our first IUI. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

"My mother had her last baby at age 42, so you have plenty of time!" - MIL. Well, your mother also had lots of kids before that, when she was younger. Obviously she was quite fertile. There is no way in hell I would wait and "relax" until the age of 42. I'm trying to have a baby here, not a hysterectomy!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

My baby girl has arrived!


Well, we picked up our new addition yesterday! I am so in love with her already. She is so sweet and funny. And as promised, here are some pics! Oh, and we named her Kelsey! <3


Friday, September 3, 2010

Yeah, it doesn't look like a normal cervix

So I had an appointment with my RE today at lunchtime. The office is part of the local university's hospital, so there are always at least 3 people in my exam room at a time. Well, the nurse, my doctor, and some other random lady who was dressed up came in. Before they started, I explained to my doctor that I had a LEEP on August 13, and that I saw my OBGYN yesterday and she gave me the green light for IUI.

My RE just looked at the nurse and the dressed up lady (with bleached blonde hair... who are you lady? Why are you here?!). It didn't seem too promising. My RE is my age. There is another doctor at the office who is way older. He wanted to check with him. So they all filed out for their group huddle.

I'm sitting in the waiting room, pantsless and covered with a sheet, hoping that they will let me do IUI this cycle. The door opens, and the trio files back in. My RE tells me that the old doc thinks it's advisable to wait a month or two, but that my RE would check out my cervix just in case it looked great.

"Yeah, it doesn't look like a normal cervix."

Awesome, bro. Thanks for that!

He said it looks to be healing, but that he would not feel comfortable doing the IUI. Because of hormones. I'm not certain what that means, I need to google my cervix (well, not mine, but "a" cervix). I know that ovaries produce hormones, but I didn't know that a cervix did as well.

I asked if we could do it next month, and he said maybe. Maybe?! DO YOU REALIZE THAT I'M A HORMONAL INFERTILE WHO DESPERATELY WANTS TO HAVE A BABY AND HATES "WASTING" MONTHS?!

Regardless, they all filed out of the room again, and I sat there alone with my head in my hands, bare from the waist down, feeling ashamed. Why did I feel like such a dumbass? No idea, but it sucked! I was upset right after the appointment, but after talking to my husband, my mom, and some friends, I feel better about it.

I am just the queen of getting my hopes up prematurely! I should probably stop that...

Thursday, September 2, 2010

All clear!

As usual, I waited in the waiting room at my doctor's office for an insane amount of time. At least I think it's insane. Maybe everyone has to wait 30 minutes past their appointment time every time they see their doctor...

But, I digress. The appointment itself took 5 minutes. The edges of the cells they removed were all clear, which indicates that the removed all the bad cells. So yay! My doctor said we can do IUI this time, no worries. So I put a call in to the RE, and hopefully they get back to me tomorrow.

All in all, good news! :)

Preparing for the preggo parade.

I'm really hoping that all the preggos had their appointments early in the day! But usually when I'm in the waiting room at my doctor's office I am surrounded by baby bumps. Everywhere. Literally.

I leave work in an hour for my appointment! Hopefully my doc gives me the stamp of approval for an IUI cycle upcoming, and I will call my RE and make an appointment, as today is CD 1. Yes, AF arrived today. Three days early. I'm kind of ok with it, as the sooner she makes her appearance, the sooner she is out of here!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

yawn...

No real news today. Tomorrow I have my follow-up doctor's appointment regarding my LEEP. Hopefully everything is healing up nicely and my doctor says I can move on to IUI for this upcoming cycle! AF is due this Sunday, so hopefully I can get started on Clomid next week.
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