the longer i'm at it
It's ironic, isn't it? Infertility. The fight to have a baby.
I've tried so hard. I've exhausted my bank account, my sanity, my patience, my hope.
The longer I'm at it, the less I remember what it is I'm trying to achieve. And the more I think it's less likely to ever happen. And therein lies the irony.
This summer marks five years of trying.
I'm tired.
And I'm sad.
I'll never be able to surprise Buster with a cute way of announcing a pregnancy. He knows way too much about the process now. Surprising him is practically an impossibility at this point.
I've thought about how I could try to surprise him, if FET#3 or #4 or #billion works. But in order to surprise him, I'd have to tell him I was getting negatives on tests. And I don't think I can put him through that pain. It's bad enough having to go through it legitimately. Why on earth would I subject him to that just for fun?
Yesterday would have marked the coveted viability milestone for me, had I not lost the baby.
And honestly, I've been doing pretty well. I have two frozen embryos left, and two "free" FETs remaining. I have a little puppy to look forward to. I have an amazing husband and wonderful friends. I have a lot to be thankful for.
But sometimes, even still, the sadness hits me like a wave. Like a wall of grief. And there is no way around this suffocating wall of pain.
And it hurts.
_____________
Death Cab for Cutie: Lightness
I've tried so hard. I've exhausted my bank account, my sanity, my patience, my hope.
The longer I'm at it, the less I remember what it is I'm trying to achieve. And the more I think it's less likely to ever happen. And therein lies the irony.
This summer marks five years of trying.
I'm tired.
And I'm sad.
I'll never be able to surprise Buster with a cute way of announcing a pregnancy. He knows way too much about the process now. Surprising him is practically an impossibility at this point.
I've thought about how I could try to surprise him, if FET#3 or #4 or #billion works. But in order to surprise him, I'd have to tell him I was getting negatives on tests. And I don't think I can put him through that pain. It's bad enough having to go through it legitimately. Why on earth would I subject him to that just for fun?
Yesterday would have marked the coveted viability milestone for me, had I not lost the baby.
And honestly, I've been doing pretty well. I have two frozen embryos left, and two "free" FETs remaining. I have a little puppy to look forward to. I have an amazing husband and wonderful friends. I have a lot to be thankful for.
But sometimes, even still, the sadness hits me like a wave. Like a wall of grief. And there is no way around this suffocating wall of pain.
And it hurts.
_____________
Death Cab for Cutie: Lightness
No wonder this is so hard - five years is so very long! Sending you love...
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for all you're going through but you're right in your thinking that there's lots of good stuff too, like those two embabies and those other cycles.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to tell you I tagged you in a Q&A. I know you don't know me (I'm new around these parts) but I've been following along with your story for about a month now and if your so inclined, I'd love if you joined in! http://fromthewaitingroom.wordpress.com/2012/04/16/im-in-the-club/
You are absolutely right. I am wrapping my arms around you.
ReplyDeleteNodding my head to every word. 5 years is a long time to be on this road. And I'm so sorry it's been a hard one. Sending love and hugs.
ReplyDeleteWow I hadn't realized its been 5 years. I still pray for you. I'm not giving up hope on either of us. Though you just brought to light something I hadn't thought of before. The element of surprising hubby with a pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteI know, I know, I know.
ReplyDeleteI think that's the hardest part of what we go through. We miss out on the innocence of it all. My husband knows more about beta numbers and cervix length than most women do. And that's just not fair.
Sending you a huge hug.
5 years, so heartbreaking. :(
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of love & strength.
I'm so so sorry hun. IF takes an awful toll on everything from your bank account to your sanity. I'm always thinking of you and keeping the hope alive for you and Buster.
ReplyDeleteI hate milestones. I hate the predictability we're forced into. I hate the grief, I hate the waves of sadness that we alll know way too well.
ReplyDeleteI wish there were something I could say to ease your pain, but for now, all I can do is offer virtual hugs. And hope, for next time.
I am coming up on 3 years myself and still in the exact same place, no baby. I know how that sadness affects you and I think it's good you are taking time to think about the things you do have. That's important.
ReplyDelete5 years is a long time waiting... and it doesn't matter how long you're trying, it never gets easier. Continuing to think of you and hope.
ReplyDeleteSo sad for you. For all of us. Every time I think I'm in a better place, another wave hits. I have to believe it will be worth it in the end. But like you, feel less hopeful after every devastation.
ReplyDeleteAt least you have Buster. And going through anything with him by your side, matching your every step, is better than any surprise.
It's such a long, unfair journey. No one should have to go through this. I'm sorry and I hope there are better things to come. For all of us.
ReplyDeleteIt is not fair. I am so sorry. No one should have to feel this way. I am sending you such a big hug.
ReplyDeleteHoping and praying it's your turn. 5 years is such a long time.
ReplyDelete"But sometimes, even still, the sadness hits me like a wave. Like a wall of grief. And there is no way around this suffocating wall of pain."
ReplyDeleteExactly.
Thinking of you lady...
I'm so sorry for all the heartache you've gone through in the past 5 years. I'm sorry for the loss of innocence that comes with IF.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
Praying your embie sticks this time and you have your long-awaited beautiful, healthy take-home baby. THEN, I'll start praying that you can use your last embie for a beautiful, healthy brother/sister for your first born!! Thinking and praying for you friend!!
ReplyDeleteAgree with everything Jen said. Love and hugs to you <3
ReplyDeleteAwe Kara...I read your blog all the time but have never posted, I know we follow and post to each other on TWW but for some reason I have never commented here.....today is different, I NEED to post. IF is ugly, it is painful, it is sad. It is something I would never wish on anyone...ever. It is full of heartbreak and longing and your right, it jades you. 5 years is a very very long time. I am so sorry... as hard as it is to do, hang on to hope my friend...there is always hope. Amazing things happen everyday to ordinary people like you and I. You WILL be a mommy, and because of this journey it will make it all the more special, beautiful, amazing. I'm praying for you and giving you big hugs....hang in there...
ReplyDeleteHugs!
ReplyDeleteSo true. This is a tough journey for sure.
ReplyDeleteI was wondering if you have tried or considered using intralipids prior to the next FET. I just started reading your blog and you said it was the recommendation of another RE due to elevated NK cells. I myself have had 4 failed IVF cycles. I have 3 frozen embryos now and asked my RE to do intralipids before I transfer them. I am also going to be on Lovenox after. I have not had any testing and am not interested in it. I just want to try something different. I was also in the trial, which was one of the failed cycles. The embryos I have are not a result of trial. Just wondering if, or why you haven't tried intralipids. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI have not tried intralipids yet. I did mention them to NH, and hoped they would allow me to do them, but they would not. They did agree to Lovenox, though, so that's a start. If neither of my remaining two frozen embryos take, we will most likely cycle with SIRM, and we would definitely do intralipids at that point.
DeleteGood luck on your upcoming cycle! Perhaps the intralipids + Lovenox will be the right combination for you! :)
So so difficult. Hugz!
ReplyDelete