Sunday, April 1, 2012

FET#2: 3dp6dt

This is no April Fool's joke: my SIL is pregnant.

Her second cycle trying. The first cycle resulted in a chemical.

Let's rewind the clock. New Year's Eve 2011. I was pregnant (but only for another day and a half) and happy (but only for another day and a half). She confessed, while sitting around a table of women, that she and my BIL were going to start trying. Even though I was pregnant, the pang of jealousy that hit me was shocking. And left me feeling embarrassed and ashamed.

Perhaps subconsciously I knew. Knew how things would work out. The way they usually do.

I reached out to her after the chemical. It was a little awkward, our very different situations. I had just experienced my miscarriage and D&C after 4.75 years of trying. And she had experienced an early loss while just getting started, which I'm sure is ridiculously confusing.

Last night, I heard all about her food aversions. And all her other symptoms. And how they aren't sure on a name.

FIL suggested "Marshall". My head snapped to look at Buster so quickly, it was like I was being fast-forwarded. That's the middle name we have picked out for our someday-son.

But that's one of the many shitfucks of infertility. You can pick out all of the damn names you want, but you have no right to those names. Not until you have a reason to use them.

Even though it may not sound like it, I am incredibly happy for them. I wouldn't wish the curse of infertility on my worst enemy, let alone my family!

Everyone here last night (MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL) was aware of our recent trip to New York. Even though I only told MIL, word gets out. They knew why we went. So there was a ton of talk last night about SIL and I being pregnant together, and maybe being in the hospital at the same time (even though the numbers aren't quite right for that).

At one point in my life, all of that talk would have been exciting to me. But last night, I was terrified. Scared shitless that this won't work for me, and how I will handle her pregnancy (I sound so selfish, I know) while trying to reign in my own emotions.

I fear that infertility has poisoned me.

After everyone left, I cried while attempting to explain to Buster how I was feeling. He didn't really get it, and was a bit upset with me for being negative.

It's just so hard. All of it.

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And now for the specifics. Here is a link to my 3dp6dt post from last FET.

Symptom check:
Not too much of anything. I had a really restless night's sleep, however. I woke up at 2:15 a.m. and realized I had to pee. But the urge to pee isn't what woke me up, I don't think. So I'm not counting that as frequent urination. I did have some vivid, scary dreams. And that makes me nervous, since that was not something that happened last time around. I know every pregnancy is different, but I can't help being nervous.

Oh, "symptom" I just remembered. Last evening, I had a tiny bit of pinkish-tinged CM (and TMI, but when I say "CM", I most likely mean progesterone leakage). Not sure what that's all about. I didn't have it last time. It's only CD21, so too early for AF.

And as I've been working on this post, I now feel the start of a headache. I hope it doesn't turn full-fledged, as the only thing that helps is a large quantity of Ibuprofen, which is off-limits right now. I've also had a little bit of that queasy feeling. Bbee commented on my post yesterday and mentioned feeling hung-over, and that's pretty much what my stomach feels like!

Pee stick check:
It seems that this time around, the booster shot may be leaving my system faster. I am drinking a lot more water than I was during FET#1, so perhaps that's why? I might be forced to start using the FRERs tonight! We'll see...

Click to make me bigger!

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4 days until beta!
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23 comments:

  1. I understand you.

    I am in the same position as you, but on my fifth IVF-try (luckily I live in a country where they pay at least 3 times, and FET's doesnt count as a try).

    My first SIL got pregnant pretty much on the first try.

    My second SIL has been trying for a long time too and was scheduled to do IVF this spring, but postponed and is now pregnant.

    My best friend also got pregnant naturally after a lot of worries about five months ago.

    I am happy for them, but at the same time so jealous. I do not think it is fair, nor can I be really happy for them. I wish it was us, I really do.

    So, I totally understand your feelings and I ust want you to know that you are not alone.

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  2. I am so sorry that must be so hard. Esp since they talk about it so much.
    Those sound like promising symptoms! I can't believe your beta is so close!!!!!!!
    Keep us updated!!!!

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  3. You are a trooper for dealing with the pg announcement and all the talk. Good luck with starting the FRERs!

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  4. That must be hard news to get, especially right now. That trigger shot was gone super fast. Hoping some second lines start to appear soon.

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  5. I totally understand how you feel. I never did all the fertility stuff, for lots off reasons- including, but not limited to hubby really didn't want to, and I don't think I would have been able to deal with all the highs and lows. So now I am 47, and no kid, when I planned from childhood to have maybe 5.

    It's not that you are not happy for other people, but you are so sad for yourself. People understand envy when someone has good financial luck, gets a new vehicle, an amazing house, but when you are infertile, and you envy a pregnancy, it feels like it is looked at differently, as if you should not have those feelings. Anyway, a lot of us understand, even if the ones like me can't manage to write without using run on sentences! LOL

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  6. I'm so sorry! I'm sending positive thoughts your way that you get your BFP next week!

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  7. What a night! I'm so sorry you got that news when you are trying so hard to stay sane during all of this. I can relate to everything, even the husband that doesn't understand why i would be upset. Fertility takes so very much away from us. And the naming thing? Pure panic. Infertility takes away from the simple pleasures of dreaming and being positive and choosing a name.

    Hang in there hun. This is surely to be YOUR turn!

    Henry Marshall is a lovely name, btw :)

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  8. Infertility changes us forever, and even when you have several lovely little ones climbing all over you, it is always hard to hear how easy it can be for some people to get pregnant. And while you wouldn't wish the pain of infertility on anyone, it doesn't change that we struggled and they didn't have to go through all of that. Anywho, this WILL work for you, and I can't wait for those pee sticks to start getting darker now!!!

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  9. Oh dear, that was not the kind of news you needed to hear during such an emotional part of your cycle. We all know the jealousy and guilt over someone else' pregnancy. Its just one more way IF changes our outlook on life. I'm praying so hard that your embaby is getting cozy for a good 9 months!

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  10. Feeling happy for someone while being jealous/bitter is completely natural - we have all felt it but have never had to describe it in words, KWIM?

    Symptom wise, the tinged CM is a great sign (esp for IVF!) and the hungover feeling.. Well you know how that ended for me! Its the only way I could describe it because it really just feels like you drank a whole bottle of Merlot the night before (headache and all!)

    I also think FRERs are a good move. I don't trust the consistency of the dollar tests especially when we are looking for little differences :) Chin up, lady!

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  11. Don't feel selfish, and don't feel like you need to bottle it up or anything. What you're feeling is so normal, and I'm sorry that some people don't get it. All that talk would have reduced me to sobbing tears. Heck, I had a few fake pregnancy announcements on FB this morning that jolted me, even though I have my son now it's still hard. Infertility really does a number on us (*hugs*) I really hope this cycle works for you, and if not that you have strength to get through this. Thinking of you.

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  12. WOOO!!!! Come on little baby! Get in there nice and comfy! :D

    Don't even say that you're being selfish or anything like that. Infertility drains you emotionally and sometimes, you can't help but feel negative. It sucks when our SO don't understand that though and get upset with us for feeling that way. They don't get it when it's not THEM that is the problem, ya know? Hmm hope that didn't sound terrible.

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  13. Stalking your blog!

    I can totally related to the feelings you have. Infertility has definitely been an emotionally draining roller coaster ride.

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  14. I totally understand how you felt over the name thing. Hubs and I picked out a particular girl name and don't you know his 21yr old cousin who accidentally got his 19yr gf pregnant used the name....sheesh!
    I think the feelings you're having are normal. But then again I'm still getting the hang of these feelings myself. I hope this is your time though. I truly truly hope it is. I'll be crossing fingers and keeping you in my prayers for beta to be BFP!

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  15. It's always so hard. And you can be legitimately happy for someone and still sad and envious. My husband doesn't get why hearing about other people's pregnancies is hard for me, either.

    Sending good thoughts!

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  16. I've been in those shoes. I've experienced my BIL/SIL announce their third pregnancy after opening up to them about my own infertility, and after she offered to be a surrogate for me if needed. I experienced the birth of their beautiful baby girl last week. All through it, I've struggled. You're sooo right that IF is such a difficult process, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone either. The feelings you have/had are completely natural and acceptable. Of course, even though you're happy for them, it can be so incredibly hard. And the name I picked out for my future baby girl, Kendal...yep, that's the name SIL named her girl last week. Hoping your perfect little baby boy/girl is just around the corner for you! Will be stalking and cheering you on the whole way!

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  17. It is so difficult when you want to be happy and are for someone else, but the jealousy is killer. Especially when they talk about names you have had picked out for years. Our name lists have been dwindled down to 1 boy and girl name. Our top names have been taken by family and close friends. I have a feeling my newly pregnant cousin is going to be taking the last girl name on my list if she has a girl.

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  18. That must have been so difficult. I can't imagine how you managed to sit around with her talking about her food aversions etc. That seems really insensitive. And also, she's pretty brave to be talking baby names so early, especially after having a chemical last time ... although perhaps this is one of the fairy-tale pregnancies where having food aversions is as bad as it gets.

    In any case, I hope the name Marshall retains its proper place in line for the baby it's been waiting for so long.

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  19. Ugh, you are not selfish at all. It's so emotional and when waiting so long we play on a totally different level that no-one can understand unless they have been there.
    Best of luck! Fingers crossed for you.

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  20. Your emotions sound totally normal. I never struggled nearly as hard as you and feel that way often.

    I will be stalking for updates!

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  21. All your feelings are totally justified and fair! Anyone who has been there would understand. For our families IVF=baby and they can't comprehend being worried it won't work (even after a loss, which still blows my mind). That total faith they have is great until it's not. I had to have several sit downs with my mom after our cycle to explain to her that we can't just go tell the world, this isn't a sure thing yet, etc.

    I will be praying you get to be pregnant with SIL and that the fear left behind by IF and the stories we all hear will be minimal so you can enjoy every single minute of your pregnancy. Thinking of you lots!

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  22. "You can pick out all of the damn names you want, but you have no right to those names. Not until you have a reason to use them."

    Broke my heart. I am praying for you!

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