I want out
It's National Infertility Awareness Week.
And I don't want to participate.
There it is. The awful truth. I'm a shitty infertile.
I don't know what it is this year, but I don't want to partake. I want out. I want to free myself of the bonds that infertility has placed upon me.
I'm tired of educating people. I'm tired of blank stares. I'm tired of faces full of pity.
I want out.
And the only way "out", in my mind, is to have a baby. Then, I'd be more than happy to go back to helping raise awareness for infertility.
When you are in the trenches, it's hard, as most of you know. And honestly, I think I've done an admirable job of helping to inform others, of putting my story out there, of offering advice to strangers. I've been in the trenches too long, however. And it's taking a toll on me.
I want out.
________________
In other news, Giuliana and Bill are expecting a baby, via gestational carrier! I've been watching the show this season (I've not seen previous seasons), and I'm incredibly thrilled for them!
But...
I got an email first thing this morning from a co-worker. The one who always used to ask if I was pregnant. Who I told about IVF. Who showed up at my house the day after my D&C with a fruit basket.
In the email, she linked the story, and said "there's hope for you".
What??
I think she forgot to finish her sentence.
There's hope for you....
And I don't want to participate.
There it is. The awful truth. I'm a shitty infertile.
I don't know what it is this year, but I don't want to partake. I want out. I want to free myself of the bonds that infertility has placed upon me.
I'm tired of educating people. I'm tired of blank stares. I'm tired of faces full of pity.
I want out.
And the only way "out", in my mind, is to have a baby. Then, I'd be more than happy to go back to helping raise awareness for infertility.
When you are in the trenches, it's hard, as most of you know. And honestly, I think I've done an admirable job of helping to inform others, of putting my story out there, of offering advice to strangers. I've been in the trenches too long, however. And it's taking a toll on me.
I want out.
________________
In other news, Giuliana and Bill are expecting a baby, via gestational carrier! I've been watching the show this season (I've not seen previous seasons), and I'm incredibly thrilled for them!
But...
I got an email first thing this morning from a co-worker. The one who always used to ask if I was pregnant. Who I told about IVF. Who showed up at my house the day after my D&C with a fruit basket.
In the email, she linked the story, and said "there's hope for you".
What??
I think she forgot to finish her sentence.
There's hope for you....
- if you win the lottery.
- if Kelsey starts shitting dollars.
- to be the sole remaining infertile sans-baby! It's like an infertility-themed Hunger Games. Or Survivor. I can be the last infertile on earth!
- to live vicariously through someone else!
________________
I'm having a bad Monday. Can you tell?
The Eels - I Need Some Sleep
The Eels - I Need Some Sleep
AMEN sister.
ReplyDeleteDon't count yourself as a shitty infertile. You recognized the week. =) I'm sure that we would all not like to participate this week.
ReplyDeleteSomeone on another blog posted that every week should be infertility awareness week. I think it is for most of us.
I hope your Monday turns around. Sending hugs your way!
Huge massive hugs. That is all x x x
ReplyDeleteI second this post! I totally blogged that I just didn't want to be blogging about it anymore. I'm hoping your Monday turns around.
ReplyDeleteYep, yep, yep!
ReplyDeleteWhy is it that those people you think really actually get it ALWAYS inevitably just don't?!
My way out is living child-free, because I am married to someone who won't even advocate for trying one last time or adoption, he's so conflict and conversation averse. If it's not important enough to talk about, it's sure as hell not worth going down that road again, or spending bajillions on adoption.
People are idiots, plain and simple. They say stupid shit a lot of the time :). I'm sorry you had to receive that thoughtless email.
ReplyDeleteAnd I definitely think taking a break from advocating and educating is well-deserved.
Ugh. That email made me bang my head against my desk. I understand it was sent with the best of intentions, but really? Ugh, ugh, ugh. (But congratulations to Guiliana and Bill!)
ReplyDeleteHonestly, you've done a lot of advocating. You raised your voice to help raise awareness and educate others. So it's time for rest. You are in the middle of a FET cycle lady!!! Focus on that. Let those of us who are not 1) currently in treatment and 2) haven't advocated as much pick up the mantel.
Consider this me signing your excuse note to get out of doing anything this week. Done.
ReplyDeleteRight there with ya on wanting out. Oooh, spoiler on G&B! Haven't watched that episode on DVR yet. :) So happy for them.
ReplyDeleteUgh. People are just so freaking clueless about what to say and what not to say to someone struggling with infertility. Attention fertiles: Chances are, what you are about to say is neither comforting or helpful, so perhaps just be there for me and listen to me politely when I need someone to listen.
ReplyDeleteCongrats to Giuliana & Bill, though! I have watched that show since I heard they were doing IVF, and I am really happy that they are expecting!
Ugh ::headdesk headdesk headdesk:: Why don't people get it?? I am all for celebrities speaking out about needing IF treatments, but the unfortunate side-effect is that the masses believe we can *all* afford 17 rounds of IVF or hey, a gestational carrier - why didn't *we* think of that?? :P
ReplyDeleteSo happy for Guiliana and Bill! I don't watch the show but I have been kind of following their journey peripherally.
ReplyDeleteSometimes people can be really understanding and supportive in some ways but still not understand the whole of the issue. I am assuming the email had the best of intentions behind it but she just doesn't understand infertility at the core of it, and unfortunately her attempt to send you something hopeful ended up being hurtful instead :(
Big (((hugs))). I completely understand what you're saying.
ReplyDeleteYou are off the hook hon. I know how you feel. We do what we can and then are allowed a vacation from advocacy. It's all so draining to be constanting pushing for something that is already a weight on your heart.
ReplyDeleteParticiapte next year if you like. the fight will still be there. trust me.
I feel the same way. I am tired of this IF shit!
ReplyDeleteYou've more than put in your time educating and sharing your story! I wish I had something bright and uplifting to say :( Just wanted to say I'm sorry your co-worker just made an ass of herself, and I'm still rooting for you! <3
ReplyDeleteThere's ni such rhing as a shitty infertile. Infertility is shitty, not the other way around.
ReplyDeleteDont give up hope on the dog.
Gawd. Typed on my phone. Sorry its nearly unreadable.
DeleteI thought the same thing when I heard they were expecting a baby - conflicted thoughts of "good for them" and "how nice for them that they can afford what I will never, ever be able to in my wildest dreams." Because for most of us, IVF is the end of the line and even that is something we have to seriously save up for, oftentimes for a long, long while. We have to put our hopes and dreams on hold while we attempt to save up for ONE try at IVF. All of our eggs in one basket, in other words. I'm happy that another infertile has found a way to "the other side" but it's a way most of us in the real world only dream of...and will undoubtedly inspire other, less infertility educated people in our lives to say, "Hey, have you thought about surrogacy? The Rancic's did that and it worked out great for them!"
ReplyDeleteI have found myself feeling the same way this week. If you're a sh*tty infertile, so am I!
ReplyDeleteEverybody deserves a break- you can only advocate so hard, you know? Don't even feel bad for a second.
ReplyDeleteI had someone tell me about their cousin who got pregnant after 8 years of IVF and 5 fresh cycles.... so don't worry there's hope! Oh, and she suffered from really bad depression and is on antidepressants during the pregnancy but it's all worth it!!! Yeah, I know she meant well, but all I took from that is "EIGHT YEARS FIVE IVFS DEPRESSION". Not helpful, not helpful at all. Hugs, girl.
Better start buying lottery tickets! Ugh. It is crazy how much surrogacy costs. Nice that G&B can afford it (and happy to hear their news, too).
ReplyDeleteYou aren't a shitty infertile. You're allowed to take a break from advocacy, writing about IF, etc. I hope Tues is better for you! :)
You deserve out ((hugs)). Sorry your wierdo co-worker doesn't get it.
ReplyDeletePeople can be such fucking assholes. It's no wonder so many of us infertiles want out of educating the ignorant.
ReplyDeleteDon't lose hope, though, it's yours. No one can give it to you or take it away. You do with it what you wish.
I've never wanted to be an advocate. I just want a baby. And I think that is ok. Right now I don't have the energy to deal with ignorance or educate people, and I can totally understand needing a break from all that. It's not about others, it's about you. Use this week to take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteWhen I am done, and have my babies in my arms I will do anything I can to shout it out there and get people talking and understanding. But right now I am not strong enough for that. I want out for you too.
ReplyDeleteAs I've started this month on Clomid I'm hormonal and pissed that we have to go through this for something we want so badly and others take for granted. I keep getting these stupid comments of just calm down, it will happen, and the are you pregnant yet crap...because someone i confided in at work was ever so nice enough to share my story with the rest of the company...anyway what i'm rambling and trying to say is I want out too and I want all of us who have suffered, out with babies in our arms!
ReplyDeleteI hope your monday gets better, hug your puppy dog...they always seem to make things a little better.
Been reading your blog since February, when I was in the midst of my own depressive hell......the loss of our first baby in December (which we subsequently found out was a boy). I've been silently commiserating with you along the way, and shed tears for you on the news of your latest BFN.
ReplyDeleteThe Giuliana and Bill story hits close to home for me, as our baby that was lost was being carried by a gestational surrogate (And no, we're not celebrities, nor are we rich. Nature thought it would be HIL-arious if I was born without a uterus. My husband and I have been saving up for a HELL of a long time for this journey).
I'm continuing to hold you in my thoughts as you prepare for your next FET. My fondest wish is that you'll be seeing double lines SOON (and I hope to join you, come May 5th).