updates and a gameplan

Really, I'm not sure why I haven't been posting. Or more specifically, I'm not sure why I haven't been motivated to post. For this, I apologize.

On Tuesday (CD17), I had blood drawn and an ultrasound at my local clinic. Based on the ultrasound, it appeared that I had recently ovulated (which I pretty much knew). My lining was 9.1mm! My progesterone came back at 3, which is a good starting point post-ovulation.

When my NYC clinic called me later that afternoon with my blood work results, they informed me that my transfer will be happening on Saturday. They were thinking I ovulated on Monday. Even though Saturday would only be five days post-ovulation, I went with it. I had a slight feeling that transfer should be Sunday instead, given the fact that I have embryos that were frozen on day 6. But what do I know?

I went in Thursday (CD19) for more blood work. I was quite nervous about this blood work, given my progesterone problems last cycle (if you recall, the day before transfer my progesterone was only 11!). But, I needn't have worried. My progesterone came back a lovely 18.4, and my estradiol was 142.

But, I was also informed that my transfer is now on Sunday.

No big deal, right?

Unfortunately I had already booked my flight and my place to stay. I ended up getting everything sorted out, but it cost me an extra $350 (not to mention some severe frustration with Expedia). And I'm staying at a different hotel each night. But, it's ok. I can deal.

My current med cocktail is as follows:

• Baby aspirin
• Prentatal vitamin
• Fish oil (liquid... yum!)
• Dexamethasone 0.5mg
• Estradiol 2mg
• Crinone 8% (twice daily)

So, that's the update! I will definitely be updating after my transfer, as I'll be taking it easy in the hotel room all evening.

I'm excited, and nervous. I just really, really, really want this to work.

I want out

It's National Infertility Awareness Week.

And I don't want to participate.

There it is. The awful truth. I'm a shitty infertile.

I don't know what it is this year, but I don't want to partake. I want out. I want to free myself of the bonds that infertility has placed upon me.

I'm tired of educating people. I'm tired of blank stares. I'm tired of faces full of pity.

I want out.

And the only way "out", in my mind, is to have a baby. Then, I'd be more than happy to go back to helping raise awareness for infertility.

When you are in the trenches, it's hard, as most of you know. And honestly, I think I've done an admirable job of helping to inform others, of putting my story out there, of offering advice to strangers. I've been in the trenches too long, however. And it's taking a toll on me.

I want out.

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In other news, Giuliana and Bill are expecting a baby, via gestational carrier! I've been watching the show this season (I've not seen previous seasons), and I'm incredibly thrilled for them!

But...

I got an email first thing this morning from a co-worker. The one who always used to ask if I was pregnant. Who I told about IVF. Who showed up at my house the day after my D&C with a fruit basket.

In the email, she linked the story, and said "there's hope for you".

What??

I think she forgot to finish her sentence.

There's hope for you....

• if you win the lottery.
• if Kelsey starts shitting dollars.
• to be the sole remaining infertile sans-baby! It's like an infertility-themed Hunger Games. Or Survivor. I can be the last infertile on earth!
• to live vicariously through someone else!

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I'm having a bad Monday. Can you tell?

The Eels - I Need Some Sleep

shame on me

I'm a piss-poor excuse for a blogger. And I apologize.

I just haven't had much worth talking about recently. Or maybe I have, and I just have zero motivation to write it down in an interesting fashion.

But I view this as a welcome reprieve for you, my readers. Because next week we enter the extravaganza that is FET#3, and you can expect one or two posts a day from me.

So enjoy this time now, dear friends. You will be getting tired of reading about my (imaginary?) symptoms and midnight pee breaks soon enough.

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FET#3 update:

I had a local monitoring appointment on Tuesday (which was CD10). Blood was drawn and ultrasound was performed.

My clinic wanted me to go in on CD10 this month because last cycle, I apparently ovulated on CD10 or 11 (which is quite abnormal for me).

This monitoring appointment was much different than last cycle's around this time. Last cycle, my lining was already at 9.1mm, and I had ovulated. This cycle, no ovulation yet! I'm so relieved, as it really seems like my body is finally regulating post-miscarriage.

Here are my stats from my CD10 appointment:

• E2 - 86
• LH - 7
• Prog - 0.8
• Lining - 6.3mm

My clinic seems to think I will ovulate this weekend, and I'm pretty sure they are right. So, that will put my transfer at some point next week, probably Thursday or Friday. I go in Tuesday for another round of blood work and another ultrasound.

I'm feeling hopeful, which might be the kiss of death. Who knows. But this cycle my body really seems back to normal, and I think it's giving us a better shot than last transfer.


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Well, I petered out on Belle's photo challenge. I'm not very good at sticking with things.

And I know I was tagged a couple times for those "about me" kind of questionnaires... and I'm sorry, but I can't get motivated to join in! I never really have participated. Not sure why! So I'm sorry.

I've also been a bad blogger. I've been reading along when I can, but really haven't been commenting much at all. I have just found myself distracted by things other than infertility and baby-making, and I'm kind of enjoying it. But I'm getting back on the bandwagon soon, and hope to be better at keeping up.

the longer i'm at it

It's ironic, isn't it? Infertility. The fight to have a baby.

I've tried so hard. I've exhausted my bank account, my sanity, my patience, my hope.

The longer I'm at it, the less I remember what it is I'm trying to achieve. And the more I think it's less likely to ever happen. And therein lies the irony.

This summer marks five years of trying.

I'm tired.

And I'm sad.

I'll never be able to surprise Buster with a cute way of announcing a pregnancy. He knows way too much about the process now. Surprising him is practically an impossibility at this point.

I've thought about how I could try to surprise him, if FET#3 or #4 or #billion works. But in order to surprise him, I'd have to tell him I was getting negatives on tests. And I don't think I can put him through that pain. It's bad enough having to go through it legitimately. Why on earth would I subject him to that just for fun?

Yesterday would have marked the coveted viability milestone for me, had I not lost the baby.

And honestly, I've been doing pretty well. I have two frozen embryos left, and two "free" FETs remaining. I have a little puppy to look forward to. I have an amazing husband and wonderful friends. I have a lot to be thankful for.

But sometimes, even still, the sadness hits me like a wave. Like a wall of grief. And there is no way around this suffocating wall of pain.

And it hurts.

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Death Cab for Cutie: Lightness

reemergence

I have emerged from the depths of "woe is me" and am currently basking in the hope of an upcoming cycle.

For Easter, I got my period. And I was completely fine with it.

I have not had a normal cycle (28 or 29 days) since the miscarriage. Until now. Even though last cycle was only 27 days, I'll take it. Closer to normal.

I went in this morning for my CD3 blood draw and ultrasound. Once the ultrasound party got started, I instantly knew this cycle would be better than last.

No cysts! First time post-miscarriage. I'll take that as a good sign.

My hormone levels are "great":

• FSH - 5
• E2 - 56
• LH - 3.3
• FSH - 5

So, it's looking like my next FET will be the last week of April.

And I'm excited. Once again.

It's amazing how quickly I can bounce back after heartache when I have something to look forward to.

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Something else I'm looking forward to:

One of those is my new puppy! They were born this past Friday. Three big, healthy puppies. I'm in love and I've only seen their cute little butts!

The litter consists of two girls and one boy. One of the girls is already promised. Additionally, the breeder will be keeping one of the pups for a show dog. She will make that decision when they get to be 7 or 8 weeks. So, until then, we won't know if we are getting a boy or a girl. I'm happy either way, honestly!

I will keep you updated with photos as I get them. 

FET#2: beta day

Beta came back at 1.26. I'm stopping all meds and will wait for AF.

We will try again next month.

Thank you for all of your support. This is an amazing community, and I feel honored to share this burden with such strong, fabulous women.

FET#2: 6dp6dt

I don't even have the energy to format this post in the way I've been doing. I apologize.

I woke up at 4:30 a.m. and POAS. Stark white.

I woke up at 7:15 a.m. and POAS. Faintest line ever. Couldn't even capture it with a camera.

This has been too many consecutive days with faint lines. My beta is tomorrow, and my clinic likes to see it over 25. There is absolutely no way mine will be over 5, let alone 25.

I've thrown in the towel on FET#2.

FET#2: 5dp6dt (part two)

Thank you all for your kind words. I know I'm being a crappy blog friend at the moment, but I'm in such a weird head space that I can't even bring myself to read other blogs.

Symptom check:

So my day started out pretty shitty, but then I started noticing symptoms, and it renewed my hope. Here are my symptoms from today:

• slight queasiness of the stomach
• no food sounds good to me (usually I can eat anything, anytime)
• dizziness/lightheadedness (I had this last time, so that made me really happy)
• and more hot flashes this afternoon, with the accompanying flushed cheeks

Those all sound promising, right? They do to me, especially since 3 of the 4 happened to me last FET.

Pee stick check:

The super faint line has made its reappearance!

It is so faint, but at least it's something. Not stark whiteness, like this morning's test. So, I will probably POAS tonight before bed, just for shits and giggs.

I'm so ready to just know what is going on!!

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2 days until beta!

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FET#2: 5dp6dt (part one)

The universe has a way of setting things right.

Symptom check:

Last night I had that intense hunger again before bed. And when I woke up. Probably from the steroid.

I woke up a ton over the course of the night, but I think it was just me being anxious to wake up and POAS. But, each time I woke up, I noticed I had to pee. But I don't think the urge to pee woke me up.

(Oh, and for those of you who mentioned you didn't get the frequent urination thing until later on in pregnancy... for some reason that happened to me right off the bat last time. Not sure why, but it did. So that's all I have to go on, since that was my first and only pregnancy.)

Pee stick check:

The universe bitch-slapped me for getting excited by giving me a BFN this morning.

As you can probably tell by my tone, I'm not handling it too well.

But, there are a couple things I need to keep in mind:

1. Last FET, I didn't get a darkening line until 5dp6dt PM test.
2. Last time around, my FMU sucked. SMU and PM pee were always better.
3. I'm still early. After scouring "FET Success" threads, I've found several people who get BFNs on 5dp6dt, then a positive the next day or two. So I know I'm not out yet, even though it feels like it.

I was hoping to have better news for you this morning. Perhaps I will this evening.

FET#2: 4dp6dt (part two)

Two posts in one day! Lucky you, right?!

Because the hCG booster was all but gone this morning, I decided to test again this evening. I went for a 3-hour hold with no fluids, but even then my pee seemed a tad on the diluted side. Didn't stop me from dipping the stick, though.

Symptom check:

I went to the mall at lunch today with my dear friend. While there, I noticed my cheeks felt super flushed. Then I started sweating. Hello, hot flash. Even after I got back to work, my cheeks stayed flushed and I remained hot. I'm normally the girl who is ALWAYS cold, no matter what. So this is odd. And also made me happy. Anything out of the ordinary is making me happy at this point.

Pee stick check:

I tried to get several photos of my PM test (with this morning's for comparison). I really couldn't get the lighting quite right. Plus, both lines are so faint it's tough to even see them without squinting.

What do you think?

I'm trying to remain calm, and not let my hopes skyrocket, but it's hard to keep that in check. The test appears darker. I hope this isn't a fluke.

FET#2: 4dp6dt (part one)

First, thank you all so much for your kind words after yesterday's post. Infertility is hard enough, then when you pile on feelings of guilt and shame, well you get the picture.

Yesterday and today are the hardest days of an FET for me. I go back and forth constantly, thinking one minute it worked, and the next it didn't. I'm hoping that I will be getting a confirmation of BFP tonight or tomorrow.

In related news, the mommy dog who is pregnant with our new furry arrival is having an ultrasound today! How exciting is that? This will let us know how many she is pregnant with. She is due April 10. I can't wait to see the pups!

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And now for the good stuff. Here is a link to my 4dp6dt post from last FET.

Symptom check:

This is the second day in a row that I have had a dull headache. I felt it coming on yesterday morning, but it never fully developed into the extremely painful migraines I'm accustomed to (which usually announce the arrival of AF).

My stomach has also been feeling a bit queasy this morning. I even got that (TMI) rush of spit in my mouth that happens prior to throwing up. But, thankfully, it stopped there. The combination of dull headache and queasy stomach is really screaming hangover to me, like BBee mentioned in a comment a couple days ago. I hope I'm not just tricking myself into thinking that I'm having a symptom.

Last night before bed, my stomach was grumbling. And I shouldn't have been hungry. So this morning when I woke up, I was absolutely famished. I know this is a common side effect of the Dexamethasone, but it seems to really only have started yesterday (and I've been on the steroid for a week now).

And finally, last night I had a bit of cramping while laying on the couch watching Game of Thrones. It was brief and not really like AF cramps, but also not gas pains or anything like that.

The absence of one symptom has me a bit worried, however. Last go around, early on I started waking up in the middle of the night to pee. Obviously that is a good symptom, and one that is common in pregnancy. This hasn't happened to me this time around. Does that mean I'm doomed? I'm sure that not everyone gets that symptom early on, right?! It's hard for me to not be worried, since I had it last time around and I was in fact pregnant.

edited to add: One other symptom that I forgot. The past couple nights, I've been getting sooooo sleepy at about 8:30 p.m. Last night I stayed up until 10:30, and it was not easy!

Pee stick check:

I decided to start using FRERs last night. The dollar store tests are just not doing it for me this time around. Last night's line on the FRER was really pretty, but I was pretty certain it was the remaining hCG from the booster shot. And this morning's FRER proved that theory right. Today's line is barely there. Almost undetectable. The booster is practically gone, and I hope to start seeing darkening lines very soon.

I will be testing again tonight, so we will see...

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3 days until beta!

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FET#2: 3dp6dt

This is no April Fool's joke: my SIL is pregnant.

Her second cycle trying. The first cycle resulted in a chemical.

Let's rewind the clock. New Year's Eve 2011. I was pregnant (but only for another day and a half) and happy (but only for another day and a half). She confessed, while sitting around a table of women, that she and my BIL were going to start trying. Even though I was pregnant, the pang of jealousy that hit me was shocking. And left me feeling embarrassed and ashamed.

Perhaps subconsciously I knew. Knew how things would work out. The way they usually do.

I reached out to her after the chemical. It was a little awkward, our very different situations. I had just experienced my miscarriage and D&C after 4.75 years of trying. And she had experienced an early loss while just getting started, which I'm sure is ridiculously confusing.

Last night, I heard all about her food aversions. And all her other symptoms. And how they aren't sure on a name.

FIL suggested "Marshall". My head snapped to look at Buster so quickly, it was like I was being fast-forwarded. That's the middle name we have picked out for our someday-son.

But that's one of the many shitfucks of infertility. You can pick out all of the damn names you want, but you have no right to those names. Not until you have a reason to use them.

Even though it may not sound like it, I am incredibly happy for them. I wouldn't wish the curse of infertility on my worst enemy, let alone my family!

Everyone here last night (MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL) was aware of our recent trip to New York. Even though I only told MIL, word gets out. They knew why we went. So there was a ton of talk last night about SIL and I being pregnant together, and maybe being in the hospital at the same time (even though the numbers aren't quite right for that).

At one point in my life, all of that talk would have been exciting to me. But last night, I was terrified. Scared shitless that this won't work for me, and how I will handle her pregnancy (I sound so selfish, I know) while trying to reign in my own emotions.

I fear that infertility has poisoned me.

After everyone left, I cried while attempting to explain to Buster how I was feeling. He didn't really get it, and was a bit upset with me for being negative.

It's just so hard. All of it.

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And now for the specifics. Here is a link to my 3dp6dt post from last FET.

Symptom check:

Not too much of anything. I had a really restless night's sleep, however. I woke up at 2:15 a.m. and realized I had to pee. But the urge to pee isn't what woke me up, I don't think. So I'm not counting that as frequent urination. I did have some vivid, scary dreams. And that makes me nervous, since that was not something that happened last time around. I know every pregnancy is different, but I can't help being nervous.

Oh, "symptom" I just remembered. Last evening, I had a tiny bit of pinkish-tinged CM (and TMI, but when I say "CM", I most likely mean progesterone leakage). Not sure what that's all about. I didn't have it last time. It's only CD21, so too early for AF.

And as I've been working on this post, I now feel the start of a headache. I hope it doesn't turn full-fledged, as the only thing that helps is a large quantity of Ibuprofen, which is off-limits right now. I've also had a little bit of that queasy feeling. Bbee commented on my post yesterday and mentioned feeling hung-over, and that's pretty much what my stomach feels like!

Pee stick check:

It seems that this time around, the booster shot may be leaving my system faster. I am drinking a lot more water than I was during FET#1, so perhaps that's why? I might be forced to start using the FRERs tonight! We'll see...

Click to make me bigger!

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4 days until beta!
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