Monday, January 17, 2011
The gymnast, high above the ground
You know that line between Hope and Skepticism? That is where I currently reside, teetering ominously, not sure which way to fall.
I've been talking about how I need to be more positive. Buster needs me to be more positive. This past year I have grown more and more negative and skeptical. I hate being the cynic. I hate automatically thinking what could go wrong with each and every scenario I am presented with. It gets exhausting! I want to think happy things, like rainbows and unicorns. Or unicorns pissing rainbows. You know, the like.
I have tested, multiple times, the past couple of days. Multiple times a day, to be exact. On some sticks I see a faint whisper of where a line should be, on others I see nothing. I'm 10dpo today, which could definitely be early. Or, I could not be pregnant and that's that. See why I'm teetering? A little bit of hope dies each time I don't see a prominent line on a Wondfo.
Do people honestly remain super hopeful in these kinds of situations? With month after month of disappointment, of willing a fucking line to appear on a stick.
I had lunch with my super-religious grandmother last week. She doesn't speak to my family much anymore. She doesn't approve of my gay sister, among other things. It's a tricky situation, and one that is wrought with hurt. I filled her in on our TTC struggles. She said something about how God punished women by making them bear children. I'm ready for my punishment, please.
So today I'm not overly skeptical (regardless of what my post may infer, lol) and I'm not overly hopeful. I'm just... here. I'm already planning out next cycle when this one doesn't work. I'm already planning how to tell Buster that I'm pregnant if it does. I am prepared for each and every situation. But being prepared and being unaffected are unicorns of a different color. But hurt is just part of this process, and that is a fact.
For your listening pleasure, here is The Decemberists with "The Gymnast, High Above the Ground"