Monday, January 17, 2011

The gymnast, high above the ground


You know that line between Hope and Skepticism? That is where I currently reside, teetering ominously, not sure which way to fall.

I've been talking about how I need to be more positive. Buster needs me to be more positive. This past year I have grown more and more negative and skeptical. I hate being the cynic. I hate automatically thinking what could go wrong with each and every scenario I am presented with. It gets exhausting! I want to think happy things, like rainbows and unicorns. Or unicorns pissing rainbows. You know, the like.





I have tested, multiple times, the past couple of days. Multiple times a day, to be exact. On some sticks I see a faint whisper of where a line should be, on others I see nothing. I'm 10dpo today, which could definitely be early. Or, I could not be pregnant and that's that. See why I'm teetering? A little bit of hope dies each time I don't see a prominent line on a Wondfo.

Do people honestly remain super hopeful in these kinds of situations? With month after month of disappointment, of willing a fucking line to appear on a stick.

I had lunch with my super-religious grandmother last week. She doesn't speak to my family much anymore. She doesn't approve of my gay sister, among other things. It's a tricky situation, and one that is wrought with hurt. I filled her in on our TTC struggles. She said something about how God punished women by making them bear children. I'm ready for my punishment, please.

So today I'm not overly skeptical (regardless of what my post may infer, lol) and I'm not overly hopeful. I'm just... here. I'm already planning out next cycle when this one doesn't work. I'm already planning how to tell Buster that I'm pregnant if it does. I am prepared for each and every situation. But being prepared and being unaffected are unicorns of a different color. But hurt is just part of this process, and that is a fact.

_________


For your listening pleasure, here is The Decemberists with "The Gymnast, High Above the Ground"

13 comments:

  1. Totally hear you about the waiting and wondering... Hang in there and stay positive, because at this point anything is possible :)

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  2. I can completely relate Kara. After 5 plus years I just don't know if it'll ever happen for me but yet I always have hope each cycle that things may work out for me. I'm glad you're trying to be more positive, I am too as it affects everyone around me especially my DF. Good luck sweetie!

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  3. It's hard to stay positive month after month. There were some months I was sure it would happen and it's almost harder when you think that. Every month that goes by with a BFN it feels like something dies inside. Hang in there..hugs

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  4. Hugs! I hope u get two brightly colored lines soon. I love your anology, its so true!

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  5. I can't say as I've ever read anyone who stays super hopeful in the face of BFN after BFN. It sucks and it invades every part of your life and how you cope with things. Survival and self-protection instincts kick in.

    (((Hugs)))) Hope those faint whispers turn into BIG YELLS very soon.

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  6. Ah yes, I am too familiar with this tightrope. Every month, I test early (and yes, it could be too early). And every month it's a whirlwind of emotion. I'm like you, I play out each scenario in my mind, hoping to be prepared. And no matter what happens, I'm not prepared...

    I'm hoping so much for you that in the next few days you'll get a wonderful present!!!

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  7. Not missing the point of your post, but that unicorn has a nice ass! I found myself staring a little. :)

    It's going to happen for you, friend. I know it will. In the meantime, you deal with it all the best way you know how. We understand all the emotions and how easy it is to teeter between despair and hope. <3 you!

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  8. Oh I'm right there with ya. The wondering gets to you and no matter how much you want to stay positive, you just can't sometimes. Specially with the whole TTC/infertility situations.

    Anywho, I'm keeping my hopes up for you that those hint of a line you've been seeing are the real thing and not just crappy Wondfo tests.

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  9. I think the hope comes and goes. After it's all said and done you look back and wonder how you survived it all. The heartache and tears month and month. This journey makes all of us women so much stronger and makes our love for our future children more powerful than most. Hang in there.

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  10. Totally get the going back and forth thing. It can be enough to make you want to scream playing the guessing game. That unicorn made me laugh because it reminds me of little ol' Rainbow Brite's unicorn all grown up. If only we could all just have a little bit of her magical powers from the "star sprinkles." Sending you positive vibes today. :)

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  11. I think you are my best friend today. Decemberists? Love. And unicorns pissing rainbows? I want to print it out and add some glitter and it'll be the best fucking thing I've ever seen.

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  12. It isn't abnormal to not be 100% hopeful the whole time during your wait. Personally I was way too scared to pee on a stick and I really did lose a lot of hope as the days past and I was almost convinced that it didn't work. The wait is so hard so don't feel guilty for how you are feeling.

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  13. OH MY LORD! That unicorn pic just made me spit out my juice!!! Bwahahaha!

    Okay, but seriously...I am still hoping and praying that this cycle is THE ONE! I want so badly for this to happen for you. You are going to make a great mommy.

    I know it's hard to stay positive, so don't beat yourself up about it. There are lots of people who love you!! (Especially ME!!) :-) HUGS

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