Tuesday, April 12, 2011

My life (or lack of being able to give life) in a manilla envelope

As I have previously mentioned, I have a phone consultation with Dr. Sher this Friday. I contacted my doctor's office last week to see if they would fax my records. I had to go in to sign a form. While there, I told the nice receptionist my burgeoning plans for a possible IVF soonish in Las Vegas with Dr. Sher.

She was very understanding as to why I am throwing in the towel with my RE. She knows he has horrible bedside manner, and that many patients of his do not return due to his poor social skills. In my packet of paperwork from the Sher Institute, there was one page in particular that had a lot of tests listed and wanted me t fill in the date, results, etc. I do not know all of that stuff, so I showed it to the receptionist and she offered to fill it out for me and fax it!!! What a sweetheart! I couldn't believe it.

She also sent me, free of charge (and probably against their procedures) a copy of my records there. It is a big, fat, thick manilla envelope.

Buster and I ran out to the Post Office when I got home from work today. We also were going to Sheetz to get gas and Buster wanted some hot dogs (If you don't have a Sheetz where you are, you should just cry now. The BEST convenience store. Ever.). We went to the PO first, so while Buster filled up the tank and got his gourmet dinner, I sat alone in the car, rain pouring down, reading my records.

It was incredibly depressing. I mean, yes, I knew what kinds of things would be in there. But reading them, one page after another, was overwhelming. Seeing page after page of wasted appointments and failed cycles really left me shaken.

Is that my life in summary? 75 pages of things that failed and a bunch of non-answers? In the back of my head, somewhere, I know that my life cannot be defined by my lack of a child. But it's so hard to separate my life from my lack of being able to give life.

12 comments:

  1. (*hugs*) I have a couple envelopes filled with my own records... I don't even want to imagine how thick my folder would be if I asked for records from my old clinic and my current one :( It had to be so hard holding it and looking through them.

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  2. That is NOT your life! You need a 101 in 1,001 list! I started one to remind myself of all the amazing, awesome, worthwhile things I do in my life while I'm trying for a child. The list is loooong...and I feel better every time I look at it. You are not the sum or your infertility issues!

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  3. A) I LOVE Sheetz! I love driving to my in-laws because it means stopping at Sheetz along the way and getting all kinds of delicious junk food!

    B) It's so hard to separate the rest of your life from the part that's related to TTC/IF. For me, it's constantly in my thoughts - sometimes it feels like every aspect of my life relates back to it. I can totally sympathize with you.

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  4. ugh, I know this feeling well. Reading through your records, its light a bad nighmare that never ends. I hope that this next consult gives you new direction. I know that Dr Sher is supposed to be amazing and I am curious to hear what he has to say. Keep us posted and good luck

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  5. **HUGS**
    I know that feeling. DH asked to get my medical stuff for taxes, so the RE's office printed it out. Good lord, it was depressing standing there for a good 15mins while page after page after page printed out of all of my failed cycles.

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  6. I am glad you are going with Dr Sher. He got a friend of mine pregnant with triplets recently and I hear nothing but good things from him. Good Luck!

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  7. Reading through my records made me cry. I actually went out to lunch by myself in a little dive restaurant just to read them. We are more than our inability to currently bear children! We were awesome women before we started trying but its so hard to remember "her"...

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  8. I felt the same way when I read through my records last week. It's terribly depressing..but our lives..the good and the bad..don't all fit into a manilla envelope.

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  9. I've gone through my records - and they're awful. To be boiled down to pages of data - very disheartening. But you're going to have a great meeting with Dr. Sher - I just know it!!!

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  10. Hugs to you. I know how you feel. Records are awful. But you are more than those papers!

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