Wednesday, June 30, 2010

vicious, mind-numbing rollercoaster

*language warning!*

Well, the two online classes I am taking started on Monday. That's a great way to try to distract myself from this vicious, mind-numbing rollercoaster I seem to have gotten myself on.

I'd love to go back to being normal again, where I didn't connect everything to TTC. We have been watching Last Comic Standing, and one lady on there did some jokes about her kid like she didn't want him or some shit. I couldn't even force a smile, I was too busy plotting her death!

I've tested so far 3 times I think this cycle...? The ugliest BFNs you have ever seen. I almost WISH for an evap or something! Just something other than stark fucking white.

Sorry this is not a very fluid entry. I'm just kind of jumping around from topic to topic. I have been thinking about acupuncture. Everyone I've seen who has had it done liked it. Maybe I should? The only semi-issue is that the girl that does it here in town dated my ex after we broke up, so that could be awkward. I'm well over it, but who knows what horrible things he said about me and all that.

On a positive note, I went to Olive Garden for lunch today, and it was DELISH! I hadn't been out to eat in a while, so at least that craving has been satisfied! :)

Monday, June 28, 2010

Ugh Monday!

Phew, busy weekend! I babysat Friday night, helped my sister cater a music festival all day on Saturday, and was busy relaxing on Sunday! :)

I had my appointment on Thursday and I have been spotting since. I have no idea if it's normal to spot 4 days after or what. I will call my doctor's office when I leave work today and check in with them. I never spot, so I'm finding it extremely worrisome and annoying.

Today I am 8dpo. I POAS yesterday (I have no idea why... lol) and it was a BFN. I also peed on an OPK, and it was about half-positive. I will do another OPK today just to see if there is any progression. Who am I kidding, I'm sure I will do another IC too. My chart is still looking decent, so we will see what tomorrow brings.

I also am starting my summer classes today. I am taking two online courses, and I am REALLY excited about it! A history class and a film appreciation class. Should be fun! :)

Friday, June 25, 2010

It's temporary, this place I'm in

Well, I had my doctor's appointment yesterday. I arrived at the office at 1:50 for my 2:00 appointment. Then I waited. And waited. And waited some more. Finally, at 3:00, I was called back. During that hour+ in the waiting room I think a part of me died.

Do you ever feel like you are being punished by God? I did yesterday. The waiting room was JAM PACKED full of pregnant women. EVERYWHERE! At any given time during that hour there were about 12 preggos sitting around. Baby bumps everywhere! One preggo would get called back, and another one would come in through the front door! It was a freaking preggo parade, and I was forced to sit and watch. Several times I had to fight back tears. Yes, I'm jealous. But more than that, it just makes me feel...inadequate. I want to give my husband a child, I want to make us parents. I want it so badly. Needless to say, I was relieved when my name was called.

After de-clothing the bottom half of myself, I waited a few minutes for my doctor to come in. I love my doctor. This is only the second time I've seen her, but I feel really comfortable with her and she seems very genuine. She explained what would be happening with the colposcopy. She will put a vinegar solution on my cervix, and the abnormal cells will turn white. If she thinks there is enough concern to warrant a biopsy, she will do it. I then asked her if either of these procedures would hurt my chances of implantation, as I was 4dpo. She said that the colposcopy definitely would not, and hopefully if she can avoid the biopsy she will do her best to do so. She really never gave me a straight answer if the biopsy would harm my chances of implantation, but I got the impression that it *probably* would not, but there is always a chance. I told her that chances are I'm not pregnant. I never am, so really why would this time be different? I started to cry a little, but fought the tears back. She said she understands that this is a roller coaster of emotions.

So I lay back and she does the colposcopy. A minute later, in a serious tone, she says, "I'm going to need to do the biopsy." My heart sunk a little. There were two places on my cervix with abnormal cells, and she took/scraped/whatever they do to both. I will get the results of the biopsies next week sometime. I have been spotting ever since, and it's really annoying.

I was a pathetic lump of sadness last night, but it has mostly passed. I'm glad it's Friday and I will do my best to enjoy my weekend. That means I will have to try my best to not think about TTC.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Biopsy Day!

Ugh. Well, today I have my colposcopy and biopsy. They found abnormal cells on my pap a couple weeks ago. Apparently they aren't worried that it is cervical cancer (so the nurse told me), but that really makes me wonder why I am getting the biopsy...? Maybe just to cover their bases. Still worries me.

I hope it doesn't hurt. I also hope whatever they do in there won't interfere with implantation! I'm 4dpo today, and I feel really good about our timing and everything. I will definitely ask the doctor before they get all up in there, lol.

Blah!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

go time!

Well, I got my positive OPK! It was quite the surge, as there was absolutely NO progression leading up to the positive stick.

And my temp went up today, so that's a good sign. And I think we covered our bases, BD-wise. Soooo, on to the dreaded two week wait. I hope I can find some activities to keep me busy enough so that I don't drown in my TTC thoughts.

I had a lovely 3-day weekend. Went out on the lake twice on my mother-in-law's pontoon boat. It was amazing weather. I got some sun and had fun.

Yesterday the lake was super quiet, and the view was amazing. Sitting there, it was easy to be thankful for the things in my life that mean the most to me, namely my husband. I (obviously) couldn't do this journey without him, but he is so much more than my seed supplier. He is my counterpart. My other half. He is me in male form! (Weird, I know!!) I love that man <3

Friday, June 18, 2010

Well i'd like to think i'm the mess you'd wear with pride.

*Sigh*

Feeling a little down. I wish I could turn back the clock to back when we first started TTC. It's almost as if I was a child then, innocent and clean. I knew hardly anything about having a baby. I knew I needed to have sex at a certain time of the month, and then if AF was late, I might be pregnant. Every month I would anxiously await the arrival of AF. One particularly cruel month, she was one week late. I am typically like clockwork, so that was really bizarre to me. The HPT were negative, but I went in for a blood test anyway. When they called to tell me it came back negative, AF had already come.

I was devastated. We both were.

In that week leading up to the negative blood test, we would lay in bed talking baby stuff. This was really the first time we had talked about it, and it was intoxicating. We both wanted to be parents. Good parents. Great parents! We would talk about baby names and activities we would do with our kids. DH was a boy scout, and loved it. So we spoke of DH being a troop leader (or whatever it's called!) for our little son's boy scout troop. It brings tears to my eyes thinking of us, laying on the bed in the house on Chestnut Ridge Road, speaking of having children like it was easy.

It's not easy for me. And I have no idea why. No one does. I'm on my third doctor now. I've been to an RE. It's just "unexplained infertility".  I'm not sure if it would be better to know what we are up against or not.

If we are never able to get pregnant, we will adopt a child. I know we will be terrific parents someday. I just wish I knew when that someday will come.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Google Baby

First, here are some links as to what I'm talking about:
Article on Wall Street Journal
IMDB profile on Google Baby



So I caught the end of this documentary last night on HBO. I wish I would have seen the whole thing, as I feel like my opinions and judgments are a bit skewed, but oh well.

I did not see any stories about the people wanting to have the children. I assumed it was with their own sperm and eggs, and they just needed a surrogate. After reading the IMDB summary, however, I see that often times the sperm and eggs were just bought.

I can definitely see how it appeals to people. I can also see why people would opt for this.

The two things that left me disturbed:

#1) In the part of the documentary that I caught, it was showing a young Indian woman giving birth. She was miserable. Not screaming or crying or anything, but her eyes had this kind of dead look. When the baby was born, the doctor said something about "It's a white baby!" and the surrogate didn't even care to look at the baby that had been in her belly for so long. Also, the parent(s) couldn't make it to get the baby right then. So some other Indian woman, who wasn't the surrogate, was going to take care of the baby, including breastfeeding it, until the parents could come pick it up.

What bothers me most about that scenario is that the poor baby won't have that immediate connection with it's mother. But then again, I think about adoption, and it's about the same way. It was just sad to me that no one was there anxiously awaiting to see the freshly born baby.

#2) I feel in some way that this is exploiting these women in India. I'm sure it pays decent (however I missed the beginning where it probably talked about it). And it showed the surrogates (about 7 of them) in one room just laying on beds watching one 13" b&w tv. It's just...bizarre. I wonder if they care at all about the baby inside them?



I guess I just feel like this is somehow taking the humanity out of having children. I realize a human is still having the baby, but there is no attachment. At least none that I observed in the dead eyes of the surrogate.

In the IMDB summary, it talked about that lady in her late 50s who wanted a baby. I'm not sure what other options she would have. But why rule out adoption? It makes me wonder if she was unfit for adoption or something? Idk.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Babies!

I saw this trailer a while ago, and it just looks sooooo adorable.



http://www.focusfeatures.com/video/babies_the_trailer

Duck Boobies!

I never get to watch "girly" movies or shows. I think my husband has it pretty good, personally. We watch movies he chooses, such as Howard the Duck and Conan the Barbarian (If you have never seen Howard the Duck, you are a lucky person! The best part of the whole movie is seeing lady duck boobs! So weird...). I have practically given up "girly" movies. He despises Sex and the City. He cringes at romantic comedies. Because of him, I now find most romantic comedies unbearably cheesy.



So, DH knew that I did not want to cook dinner last night, due to the high heat and humidity. I cooked him dinner anyway, like a good wifey. Chicken teriyaki with sauteed red onions and red peppers over fried rice. Because of this, he felt inclined to let me choose a movie to watch. Well, let me back up. I was only "allowed" to choose a movie because amazingly HBO OnDemand (Comcast) had taken The Pacific off! We watched three episodes, most recently Monday night. And POOF! it was gone. So in his mourning state, he agreed to watch a movie I have wanted to see for quite a while, Away We Go.

It was quirky and fun and had great music! Maya Rudolph from SNL is 6 months preggo in the movie, and her boyfriend/baby daddy is Jim from the Office. It really made me want to get knocked up even more than I already do, if that's possible. I definitely recommend this movie!

After Away We Go, I flipped on TLC. The show "Quintuplet Surprise" was on. I had never heard of it, but wow... I missed the beginning of the show, but I'm assuming they were on some kind of fertility medicine or something. The babies cost them over $5000 a month. I could not imagine!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

OPKs

Well, I'm afraid to try a new brand of OPKs. For the past 3 or more months I have used the Walgreens/CVS OPK strips that come in a tube. I would hazard a guess that they are made by the same company, but I haven't checked. I went to Target today at lunch (thanks to Elizabeth's impromptu invitation!) and was going to buy some there. The only ones they had were encased in plastic, and super expensive (compared to what I was paying for the strips!). I probably should get some soon. Although, because of my late O last month, I kind of feel no need to rush.

Oh, and if you have forgotten at any point of your day that you are TTC, Target is sure to remind you. I think I might have to start buying baby stuff in preparation, just because I don't think I can hold out much longer.

Monday, June 14, 2010

♥ puppy love ♥

So over the weekend I was around lots of dogs/puppies, and I can't wait to get a dog! We are planning on getting a Golden Retriever in the late fall. My husband's family has loads of Goldens, so naturally he really wants one. And they are so sweet and loving, I can't resist either! But this weekend I held a 4 month old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, and she was PRECIOUS!! This isn't the one I held, but just to compare cuteness...

I won't drown in the ocean for starving my place at the table

I love my mom, very much. And I know she means well. But twice now in the last week has she told me about her supervisor at work who is pregnant. The first time she told me the story, the supervisor had been trying for 12 years. The next time it was 5. Apparently (according to my mom, which means it is completely unreliable! Getting information from her is like playing that telephone game when you are a kid. It's never the same message as it was in the beginning!) this couple had done loads of fertility treatments and all that for years, and never got pregnant. And now they are doing nothing and BAM! preggo. So mom tells me to not worry about it and it will happen. That's easy for her to say. She had me at age 23, five (almost six!) years younger than I am now.

TTC tidbits

I thought I would give a brief history of what we have gone through so far in this journey!

  • Fall of 2009 - Concerned because we had not yet become pregnant, I scheduled a semen analysis for my husband. I was still a rookie when it comes to most TTC things at this point, and my gynecologist told me the results were good. I did not think to ask about anything specific. During this time I also asked her if there was anything she could tell that would prevent me from having children. She said no, but did not recommend any testing.
  • February 2010 - Saw an RE for the first time. Had ultrasounds and an HSG. On one of the first ultrasounds, they spotted the corpus luteum, which shows that I ovulated. The HSG came back clear - no blockages in these tubes!
  • March 2010 - First round of Clomid (50mg) and an IUI. My husband's sample for the IUI was wonderful! 97% motility and 120 million spermies post-wash. BFN :(
  • After the IUI/Clomid cycle, we decided to go back to natural cycles.
  • May 2010 - Made an appointment with a new OBGYN. I discussed my fertility concerns with her. She tells me there are 4 main causes of infertility: male factor, blocked tubes, no ovulating and endo/pcos. We have been cleared of 3 of the 4, and I have no symptoms of endo or PCOS. She recommends me taking Metformin for a while before jumping into Clomid again.


So I am currently taking a B-Complex 100, a prenatal vitamin (from GNC) and the Metformin. This will be my second month of charting my basal body temperature. I also use Ovulation Predictor Tests to pinpoint my surge.

welcome to my blog!

So I'm starting a blog! I am 28 years old, and today is my two-year wedding anniversary. My amazing husband and I have been trying to have a baby for 2+ years.

We knew when we met that we would be married. He is my best friend, and I could not imagine my life without this man. He knows what I'm thinking and feeling. He knows why I laugh and how to make me smile. We sing silly songs and laugh together. Laughing is my favorite hobby.

We have been hoping for a baby for as long as we have been together. We did about 2 years of not trying/not preventing, and since January of this year we have upped the ante and have been a bit more hardcore with it. We had a battery of tests and the only explanation as of yet is "unexplained infertility".  

I would love to become pregnant this year. And I will be cataloging my journey here. 




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