Friday, June 18, 2010

Well i'd like to think i'm the mess you'd wear with pride.

*Sigh*

Feeling a little down. I wish I could turn back the clock to back when we first started TTC. It's almost as if I was a child then, innocent and clean. I knew hardly anything about having a baby. I knew I needed to have sex at a certain time of the month, and then if AF was late, I might be pregnant. Every month I would anxiously await the arrival of AF. One particularly cruel month, she was one week late. I am typically like clockwork, so that was really bizarre to me. The HPT were negative, but I went in for a blood test anyway. When they called to tell me it came back negative, AF had already come.

I was devastated. We both were.

In that week leading up to the negative blood test, we would lay in bed talking baby stuff. This was really the first time we had talked about it, and it was intoxicating. We both wanted to be parents. Good parents. Great parents! We would talk about baby names and activities we would do with our kids. DH was a boy scout, and loved it. So we spoke of DH being a troop leader (or whatever it's called!) for our little son's boy scout troop. It brings tears to my eyes thinking of us, laying on the bed in the house on Chestnut Ridge Road, speaking of having children like it was easy.

It's not easy for me. And I have no idea why. No one does. I'm on my third doctor now. I've been to an RE. It's just "unexplained infertility".  I'm not sure if it would be better to know what we are up against or not.

If we are never able to get pregnant, we will adopt a child. I know we will be terrific parents someday. I just wish I knew when that someday will come.

3 comments:

  1. **HUGS**
    I can't imagine going through the 'unexplained' part. It has got to be so frustrating.
    Yeah.. I went in SO naive when we first started. Even though my cycles were all messed up, I still thought that it would happen right away.
    BLEH is all I have to say about infertility.

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  2. I hate unexplained infertility. I also hate every other kind of infertility, for that matter! I can't tell you whether it's better to know what your dx is or not. I felt more hopeful before my dx, but I can understand the madness in not knowing what's wrong. I pray that all your dreams come true!
    xxx

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