Well, I had my doctor's appointment yesterday. I arrived at the office at 1:50 for my 2:00 appointment. Then I waited. And waited. And waited some more. Finally, at 3:00, I was called back. During that hour+ in the waiting room I think a part of me died.
Do you ever feel like you are being punished by God? I did yesterday. The waiting room was JAM PACKED full of pregnant women. EVERYWHERE! At any given time during that hour there were about 12 preggos sitting around. Baby bumps everywhere! One preggo would get called back, and another one would come in through the front door! It was a freaking preggo parade, and I was forced to sit and watch. Several times I had to fight back tears. Yes, I'm jealous. But more than that, it just makes me feel...inadequate. I want to give my husband a child, I want to make us parents. I want it so badly. Needless to say, I was relieved when my name was called.
After de-clothing the bottom half of myself, I waited a few minutes for my doctor to come in. I love my doctor. This is only the second time I've seen her, but I feel really comfortable with her and she seems very genuine. She explained what would be happening with the colposcopy. She will put a vinegar solution on my cervix, and the abnormal cells will turn white. If she thinks there is enough concern to warrant a biopsy, she will do it. I then asked her if either of these procedures would hurt my chances of implantation, as I was 4dpo. She said that the colposcopy definitely would not, and hopefully if she can avoid the biopsy she will do her best to do so. She really never gave me a straight answer if the biopsy would harm my chances of implantation, but I got the impression that it *probably* would not, but there is always a chance. I told her that chances are I'm not pregnant. I never am, so really why would this time be different? I started to cry a little, but fought the tears back. She said she understands that this is a roller coaster of emotions.
So I lay back and she does the colposcopy. A minute later, in a serious tone, she says, "I'm going to need to do the biopsy." My heart sunk a little. There were two places on my cervix with abnormal cells, and she took/scraped/whatever they do to both. I will get the results of the biopsies next week sometime. I have been spotting ever since, and it's really annoying.
I was a pathetic lump of sadness last night, but it has mostly passed. I'm glad it's Friday and I will do my best to enjoy my weekend. That means I will have to try my best to not think about TTC.