Much like all of my plans regarding having a baby, IVF: 2011 is no different. It is now off the table (again).
Why did I think it would work out financially? I have no idea. We didn't come into any large sum of money. No winning lottery tickets here. I just convinced myself we could swing it. In reality, I've known the whole time it wasn't plausible.
We are now back to our original plan: IVF: 2012. After one of the cars is paid off. This was the most logical plan. I should have just accepted it from the beginning and been done with it.
But no. I'm a masochist. I am used to the defeat. I have grown accustomed to the disappointment that accompanies anything TTC-related. And I feel as if I belong there. Amidst the squalor and darkness of disappointment.
I was feeling so much better recently, too. Dedicating myself to exercise and healthy eating. And not thinking about making a baby. Well, not thinking about it as much. I need to get back there.
But for today, I'm going to sulk, and pout, and cry, and eat brownies. And maybe have a beer. After all, my favorite Summer Shandy is only around for a couple more weeks.
Between now and IVF: Someday, we may have some more testing done. I'd like Buster to have another semen analysis, but this time one that checks for antisperm antibodies. I'm also considering a sonohysterogram, but I'm not sure. Maybe even a laparascopy. After all, my insurance will cover those things. We aren't so lucky regarding IVF, however.
I'm also going to continue with the baby aspirin and fish oil regimen. Hopefully they can help lower my elevated NK cells and/or antiphospholipid antibodies.
And we'll continue trying naturally. And I'll continue never expecting anything out of those "natural" cycles.
I'm afraid I'm turning into a really bitter person. I hate it.
The Shins: Sleeping Lessons
(side note... this is an awesome song to rock out to in the car. It starts off a little slow and melodic, but around 2:28 the drums kick in and it's really fun to headbang to... not that I've done that while driving or anything).