Wednesday, August 10, 2011

See, those unrepenting buzzards want your life

Much like all of my plans regarding having a baby, IVF: 2011 is no different. It is now off the table (again).

Why did I think it would work out financially? I have no idea. We didn't come into any large sum of money. No winning lottery tickets here. I just convinced myself we could swing it. In reality, I've known the whole time it wasn't plausible.

We are now back to our original plan: IVF: 2012. After one of the cars is paid off. This was the most logical plan. I should have just accepted it from the beginning and been done with it.

But no. I'm a masochist. I am used to the defeat. I have grown accustomed to the disappointment that accompanies anything TTC-related. And I feel as if I belong there. Amidst the squalor and darkness of disappointment.

I was feeling so much better recently, too. Dedicating myself to exercise and healthy eating. And not thinking about making a baby. Well, not thinking about it as much. I need to get back there.

But for today, I'm going to sulk, and pout, and cry, and eat brownies. And maybe have a beer. After all, my favorite Summer Shandy is only around for a couple more weeks.

Between now and IVF: Someday, we may have some more testing done. I'd like Buster to have another semen analysis, but this time one that checks for antisperm antibodies. I'm also considering a sonohysterogram, but I'm not sure. Maybe even a laparascopy. After all, my insurance will cover those things. We aren't so lucky regarding IVF, however.

I'm also going to continue with the baby aspirin and fish oil regimen. Hopefully they can help lower my elevated NK cells and/or antiphospholipid antibodies.

And we'll continue trying naturally. And I'll continue never expecting anything out of those "natural" cycles.

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I'm afraid I'm turning into a really bitter person. I hate it.

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The Shins: Sleeping Lessons

(side note... this is an awesome song to rock out to in the car. It starts off a little slow and melodic, but around 2:28 the drums kick in and it's really fun to headbang to... not that I've done that while driving or anything).

8 comments:

  1. Ugh... reality sucks. I'm sorry you have to wait, but I like that you are at least thinking about some tests in the meantime. Maybe someday all of this will make sense. ((Hugs))

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  2. That sucks :( I completely understand it though, the financial strains of infertility are tough. I think doing what testing you can in the meantime (especially if covered under insurance) is a great idea. Good luck with everything.

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  3. Being bitter is part of being infertile...I don't know anyone who makes their way around it. I'll be bitter about undeserving people having kids until the day I die...not matter how many kids I have / don't have. I wish you all the best as you start to save for IVF...it's a long road, but just focus on yourself, and have a few shandies along the way! :)

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  4. Aw crap! This sucks! I'm sorry you have to wait. I totally understand why though. It's so frickin' expensive! I agree with PP - getting some of the testing done in the meantime might help you feel better about things - you'll feel like you're moving forward, you'll be gathering more information, and the testing is good for 6 months if you are able to do IVF that soon. I also agree that bitterness comes with IF. And eating and drinking. I made chocolate chip cookies yesterday and had one of my favorite summer beers tonight - Bell's Oberon.

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  5. that does really suck. I wish their were more affordable options for us. Hoping these months move quickly and that you are able to save the needed money to start up. thinking of you....

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  6. **HUGS** That really blows. I'm so sorry you're not going to be able to go through with the IVF.
    I think most of us IFers are bitter and it does suck that we have to feel this way. Guess it's just part of this 'glorious' infertile package we all don't want.

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  7. The financial part of IF really sucks, I'm so sorry!

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  8. I'm new here so maybe this has already been done (I'm reading backwards chronologically) but has Buster had an Acrosome Reaction test? My hubs failed that test and I only learned recently that it's actually rarely tested. We just happened to get really lucky that our doctor did check that.

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