There are things that drift away, like our endless, numbered days
I'm going to be thirty this Sunday.
I typically look forward to my birthday for months. I get so excited, and make lots of plans. I look forward to the presents and the food and the family and the fun.
This year is different.
I'm not excited. I'm actually dreading it.
Why are birthdays such harsh reminders of my infertility? I am fairly certain this rings true for many women who struggle with infertility.
I can understand the "milestone birthdays" perhaps causing some sadness. For example, I always told myself that I would be done having kids by the age of 30. I yearned to be a "young mom". So, due to the foolish thoughts of my teenage self, I dread this birthday more than any other I've ever had.
But since dealing with infertility, I dread all birthdays. But it doesn't make sense to me, really. I mean, a birthday is a day to celebrate YOU, not to celebrate those that have come out of your vagina. Right?
Logically, I understand. But I cannot separate infertility from the rest of my life. I want to. But I can't. I don't know how.
My sister called me earlier, asking what I wanted for my birthday, "other than a baby".
Well, nothing. Nothing other than a baby.
_________________________
Iron & Wine: Passing Afternoon
I typically look forward to my birthday for months. I get so excited, and make lots of plans. I look forward to the presents and the food and the family and the fun.
This year is different.
I'm not excited. I'm actually dreading it.
Why are birthdays such harsh reminders of my infertility? I am fairly certain this rings true for many women who struggle with infertility.
I can understand the "milestone birthdays" perhaps causing some sadness. For example, I always told myself that I would be done having kids by the age of 30. I yearned to be a "young mom". So, due to the foolish thoughts of my teenage self, I dread this birthday more than any other I've ever had.
But since dealing with infertility, I dread all birthdays. But it doesn't make sense to me, really. I mean, a birthday is a day to celebrate YOU, not to celebrate those that have come out of your vagina. Right?
Logically, I understand. But I cannot separate infertility from the rest of my life. I want to. But I can't. I don't know how.
My sister called me earlier, asking what I wanted for my birthday, "other than a baby".
Well, nothing. Nothing other than a baby.
_________________________
Iron & Wine: Passing Afternoon
Happy early birthday, I wish I could give you a baby for your birthday. I know the feeling, it sucks to turn into the girl who dreads aging. I used to love b-days (well and all other holidays) and now they are all jsut reminders of whats missing... We'll get there someday though, and then that birthday will be the exact opposite of this one and maybe we'll forget this one?
ReplyDeleteIt does feel like such an illogical reaction to a birthday, but I think it is very common.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that I found to help me was to spend the day byself, doing exactly what I wanted (pedicure, reading, going for a walk, and then dinner with just me and hubs and I got somewhat drunk). Maybe this would help.
I found the only thing that made it worse was having to fake happiness to everyone else.
Good luck and I hope it is a good or at least not awful birthday!
**HUGS** I know what you mean about dreading birthdays now.
ReplyDeleteIt's not about just getting older any longer, it's knowing that you're older and you STILL don't have a baby yet... that your bio-clock is ticking.
Guess it's one of those many awesome shitty bonues of being infertile.
Well anyway, I do hope you have an amazing birthday!!
Happy Early Birthday! I know how you're feeling right now... I had the same "young mom" plans. Now I'm a month away from 29 with no sight of motherhood in the future. We've seen so many doctors...the first said we had a 0-1% chance of success with IVF only... and the 1% was only because he's "not allowed to say 0% because miracles happen". We've since tried IVF to no avail... It's just so hard to accept that we cannot have a baby together. Of course everyone else says "Why don't you just adopt!?" .... "Ohhh why didn't I think of that? Thank you!" People who do not struggle with IF do not understand the emotional toll it takes and how mean their comments can be. Anyways I just want you to know you are not alone and we are all blowing out those birthday candles with you.
ReplyDeleteHappy early birthday
ReplyDeleteI hear you on the dread thing, I'm turning 35 in less than 6 weeks. I used to love my birthday and look forward to it and stretch the celebration out as long as possible. This will be the 2nd year in a row that I just want the day to go by as not think about it.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way on your birthday. :( I've never been a big birthday celebrator, so now I just treat myself to a nice spa treatment and a big old glass of wine. More like a big old bottle of wine recently...
ReplyDelete((HUGS)) I don't know how, but you manage to make me laugh and cry in your posts! You are an awesome blogger. I too am dreading my upcoming bday - 29th. Hopefully our upcoming year will bring much better things. <3
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through another, and have read some of your posts. I will keep reading them I think.
ReplyDeleteWe are similar- I too turn 30 soon (next week in fact) and always thought I would have children by now. I wanted to have had 1 and at least have another on the way!
We have been together for 10 years and I curse myself for not trying when I was 25 or something, perhaps I would have got somewhere by now.
I have "unexplained" infertility too and have recently been accepted onto an egg-sharing programme in London (I am British!) for free IVF.
I am sending you good vibes and will be checking in from time-to-time.
Hugs, hugs, hugs. Celebrate the lives you've touched due to this blog. You've provided so much relief to many women struggling with the same issues. I admire you so much for putting yourself out there.
ReplyDelete