Tuesday, February 14, 2012

i am alone in my defeat

I know this isn't a revelation. Many of you already know this.

Holidays blow big donkey balls.

I guess for every holiday (for the rest of my life?) I will be sad, thinking of the baby we lost.

Today is no exception.

No amount of stupid heart-boxed chocolates or cheesy cards or jewelry will make my baby magically reappear in my stomach.

I should be 15 weeks.

I don't want to start my sentences off with "I should be" any longer.

I don't want to celebrate Valentine's Day.

I don't want to be here at work.

I don't want to think about my miscarriage.


Here's some emo for your Valentine's Day pleasure:
Dashboard Confessional - Screaming Infidelities


  1. I think this is a day for explosive diarrhea, cheesy rom-coms, and a large burrito from somewhere. What say you?

    1. How could I say no to that shit fest???! Sign me up! :)

  2. I know. God do I know. But I'm finding that if I split the day up into parts, giving myself 5 mins outs, then I can manage. And the reward waiting for me at home (2 furbabies and a wonderful husband who doesn't need a holiday to remind me how much he loves and values me and our family) is worth it. Hang in there.

  3. Big fat ass hugs. Wanting you to know that I'm thinking of you and Buster and your baby every day. <3

  4. I'm sorry you are having a rotten day, it's just not fair. xo

  5. I'm not big on Valentine's. Ah I say to hell with it. Go with Cornfed feminist on this one.

  6. There are so many "should be's" it's tiring. I know your pain and just hope that you can find a little peace today. Spend time with your husband, even if you don't do anything.

  7. Hi i’m Heather! I have a question for you! Please email me :)

  8. I love Dashboard, but I hate the should be's. And I hate the holidays and milestones that just make it all the more clear what's been lost. I'm with Cornfed Feminist - go for the burrito.

  9. The should be's suck. Holidays will suck for a while, but they won't be this painful for ever and ever. Breathe, do something nice for you (or, uh, have a shit-fest, whatever floats your boat), and know that we're sending you lots of hugs and love.

  10. (*hugs*) I know that feeling, I've been there myself. And I am so sorry.

    I know it sounds cliche, but it really does get easier with time. You will always miss that baby, you will always grieve that baby... but eventually the pain dulls. It took a year after my first loss, but eventually I could face the day without it hurting so much. I still remember that baby (he'd be 3 now), I still grieve, but at some point it the pain was less... sharp. It wasn't so all encompassing. But those first months, it was so raw... I felt like screaming and crying, and I felt so very alone. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, and it will get easier. Take care of yourself.

  11. Take care of yourself. I know how you feel and it's rough sometimes...well most of the time. But I have seen from my prospective that time makes it easier to deal with. I would have been like 19 weeks or something by now. But life goes on and God is always there. Praying for peace for you. *hugs*

  12. Once again my heart goes out to you....this would have been my angel baby's first Valentines day. I did better than I thought I would, but it still hit in flashes and that wasn't fun.


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