Monday, February 27, 2012

three zero zero

300 posts ago...

...I started my blog on my 2nd wedding anniversary.
...I was excited about TTC.
...I was charting BBT.
...I was peeing on OPKs.
...I was naively thinking I would be pregnant by the end of 2010.
...I met some amazing women on a TTC forum, who I am still friends with today. The majority of them have babies now.
...I wrote this: "It brings tears to my eyes thinking of us, laying on the bed in the house on Chestnut Ridge Road, speaking of having children like it was easy." I was already sad, 300 posts ago.

So much has changed since the inception of my blog, yet so much has remained the same.

We became a family of three, but not in the way we had so desperately hoped. Our sweet little girl has beautiful blonde hair, but she didn't get it from Buster.

It's so difficult to remember much else from the past two years, other than doctor's appointments, procedures, medicine, tears, disappointment, misery. 

How depressing is that? I don't want to look back on "the good ol' years" and only remember our struggles.

The innate desire to be a mother was strong 300 posts ago, and that has not changed.

This past Friday I had to choke back tears while in line at Starbucks. The man in front of me was holding the chubbiest four-month-old baby ever. And her eyes were so blue and big. She was smiling at me and cooing and flirting with Buster. And at first I didn't think anything at all.

But then it hits you, like a ton of fucking bricks. 

I turn to Buster with hot tears stinging my eyes and say, "I really, really want a baby."

News flash, right?

So here I am, 300 posts later. At least the theme of my blog has remained consistent, right? Silver lining, and all that...

Thank you for sticking with me, supporting me, and just being out there, reading what I say. This blog has been amazingly therapeutic for me, and I hope it continues to be.

29 comments:

  1. It's so amazing to look back on this journey and NOT gauge the milestones based on treatments and losses. But I know that I'm stronger as an individual because of this journey. That my marriage is stronger. And I know that you are too. Hang in there. I know how much this sucks. But I also know that I'm grateful to have met you during this time. And that one day soon you will be holding your baby.

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  2. Huuuuuuug. Your little girl is adorable. If I tried to dress mine, they would chew it right off. Thank you for sharing your struggles with us and helping us remember we're not alone. :)

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  3. Cutest puppy in the whole world!
    I hope that by post 325 you are able to say you got you BFP!!!

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  4. Hugs, friend. So much love, too. <3

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  5. I understand friend. Our lives have come so far, but at moments...completely nowhere. I am in exactly the place I was close to three years ago and I've been through so much. Isn't it insane? I am glad you are finding some support here, as I have, and continue to want. That want may get us what we long for one day.

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  6. I know exactly what you are saying. I do look back at those days and all I can remember is the TTC. It consumed me. It's almost impossible to not feel that way at all times when you want a baby so badly. I hope I am not one of those insensitive woman saying things you don't want to hear right now, but I will say that I am a better mother because of what I went through. I longed for 3.2 long years (plus 9 months) to hold my baby. I know loss. I know struggle. I have had very few moments when I am so overwhelmed with my children now and I can honestly thank Infertility for that. I do not take them for granted, EVER!! I can say that with 100% honestly and conviction. You are going to be a wonderful mother because of what you have been through.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Kandice... I don't think you sound insensitive at all. I know I will be a mother someday, in one way or another, and if everything I've gone through makes me a better mother, all of this heartache will be worthwhile. Thank you for your kind words!

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  7. As long as you're writing, I'll be reading. I'm so glad I found your blog. Here's hoping that one day soon it becomes a mommy blog!

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  8. I'm so sorry that you don't have your take home baby yet but I want you to know how inspired I am daily by your silver lining attitude. You manage to stay strong and supportive for everyone you meet and when your day comes I know that you will be the most incredible, caring mother in the world. You will teach your children the importance of hope, compassion and love. Your children will be the ones who continue to make this world a better place, so please don't lose that hope because when your day comes we will all be lucky for the little ones you've given our world.

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  9. I've been there. All I can say is I hope that you will have your baby before you make another 300 posts.

    Some days...it just sucks. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and keep your chin up.

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  10. So overwhelming when things like this catch us so off guard... the dad with his daughter, kids playing in the neighborhood...

    We're here for you. xoxo

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  11. Hi There-
    I'm stopping by, late to the party from ICLW...first time to your blog! Glad to find it, although I wish it was in better circumstances. I never thought I'd be blogging this long about infertility either. Love your DOG-too cute! All my best to you and hoping there is a positive in your future very, very soon. The good news is, whenever I follow someone, they become pregnant-hope that's the case here!

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  12. In the middle of these crazy, complex emotions, it's that simple wish that brings me to my knees. I really really want a baby. So hoping it will happen soon for you.

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  13. Hugs Lady. I agree. I thought the same thing just yesterday... I wrote something a couple years ago when we started TTC and was amazed at how fucked up my thinking was, assuming it would be simple... Today was a sucky day for me... :( I feel ya. Hang in there. <3

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  14. Also here for ICLW. 300 posts is a lot of waiting and heartache and hope and disappointment and waiting and wanting and procedures and waiting and waiting and waiting. I've been there. I am there, and I know how much it hurts. I appreciate your "silver lining" approach.

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  15. 300 posts? Wow! Way to go! I hope your upcoming FET is successful and you get your THB.

    Btw, your blonde haired "kid" is adorable!

    ICLW #97

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  16. I totally get it! I'm not nearly at as many posts, but I totally get the feeling. I get that "hit you like a ton of bricks" feeling. And I think that your little blondie is sooooo cute. Looks like one that I had growing up... so pretty.

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  17. Wow! That is a big accomplishment to be writing this much! I hope that it continues to be therapuetic and you can finally write about your baby! I am new here from ICLW and just added your link! I also featured you tonight on my blog!

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  18. *HUG* I'd offer more, but I'm brain dead right now. Still, I wanted to get that hug in there before I leave instead of trying to wait until I'm awake and not ending up getting to leave you a comment before I get on the plane.

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  19. Lots of hugs to you, friend. You're going to get there, I just know it.

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  20. I had one of those unexpected moments in Ikea a couple weeks ago, by myself no less. And I'm practicing mindful eating so I couldn't even get a cinnamon bun.
    p.s. Kelsey is adorable

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  21. Sending you hugs my bloggy friend. I hope you get that BFP soon!

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  22. I had one of those moments this weekend. The "it hits you like a fucking ton of bricks" moments. I swear, sometimes I will be doing so well, and then all of a sudden... it's like I can't even breathe under the weight of what will probably never be for me. I'm sorry you don't have your take home baby yet, but I am praying for that for you every day... You deserve that lady, you really do. And hopefully someday you will look back on all of this as just part of the necessary road to get there, and with your baby in your arms it won't matter anymore how much it hurt to get them. That's what I tell myself every day anyway... there's got to be some truth to it somewhere!

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  23. You so poignantly describe how the pain hits you suddenly, just when you think you're ok with the baby in front of you in line. I often have those moments. I'm so sorry you're still in this place of wanting and not having your baby after 300 posts. :(

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  24. Happy 300th post, and thanks for sharing your story with us. It's weird to be in a place where the consuming desire to start a family is exciting and painful at the same time. Hope it happens for you so soon x

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  25. This is a beautiful posts. It does come out of no where - one minute you are fine. The next you hear a sappy song or you see a cute chubby baby and the emotions just come out. Been there! I am so glad I found your blog. You think it is therapeutic for you, but it is for us too.

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  26. I am desperately trying to convince my DH to let me have a damp nosed, tail wagging fur-baby like your gorgeous girl (I have a breed, sex and name picked out already). No luck yet though. Thank you for your blog, it was one of the first I began following as I headed out on this journey, and one of the blogs that inspired me to begin my own.

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