the admission

One benefit to being infertile (yes, I just typed that) is that I've really been forced to come to terms with my emotions and feelings.

In the beginning (beginning meaning around 2 years in to TTC), I would just feel. My emotions would run rampant, and I let them. Like a wild horse. I was bitter, jealous, unhappy.

(Ok, so maybe not like a wild horse. Generally wild horses must be happy, right? They get to run along the beach and stuff...)

Starting this blog was my first step in identifying my feelings. Typing out my thoughts provoked me to actually think about why I was feeling a certain way. 

(Many of you may be thinking that I should have learned to do that years ago. I don't know when people really start to fully understand their emotions. To realize what triggered a thought or feeling, why you reacted the way you did, and how you can take steps to avoid getting upset. Perhaps I'm late to this party. I never claimed to be an early-developer! I'm like a real grown-up now!)

I've made progress, too. Hearing a pregnancy announcement no longer sends me into a downward shitstorm spiral. I find myself genuinely feeling happy for newly-expecting couples (especially those who are close to me). And this is a place I was never sure that I would reach. I'm proud of myself.

But I'm not perfect. My recent loss has added a new (unfortunate) dimension to my feelings. As if my feelings weren't complicated enough (I'm so emo, right?). Now, instead of pregnant bellies and ultrasound photos causing me anguish, it's smaller things: the date, a name, a memory.

Because I feel like I've grown as a person (gee thanks, IF!), I have something I want to get off my chest. It's something that has been there, tucked and hidden away in my inner-most thoughts and feelings. Something I've not ever revealed to anyone because I'm ashamed the thought ever crossed my mind (multiple times over many years).

Many of you may think I'm an asshole. Or may pity me. And maybe most of you won't understand, unless you fit a very specific criteria: unexplained IF + no pregnancy ever + 4 years of TTC. Or maybe all of you will understand. Who knows.

Before my recent pregnancy and miscarriage, I was envious of women who had experienced a loss.

Sure, go back up and re-read that. Clean your monitor or your glasses if you like, but you read that correctly the first time.

I was jealous because they had seen two lines. I was so desperate for answers, for hope, for anything, that I actually welcomed the thought of a miscarriage. I wanted to know that at least my body could do something semi-right. Because as it stood, it wasn't doing much of anything properly when it came to making a baby.

Sure, I was ovulating. Sure, Buster had all kinds of sperm. But that wasn't getting us any closer to conceiving. 

We had nothing but wasted time, wasted money, and heartache. 

And I was ashamed at the time to be feeling that way. I felt guilty for thinking it, because I knew those women who experienced a loss were hurting. Of course, I had no clue how much they were hurting until January 2, 2012.

Now I know. After 4 1/2 long years, I got my sick and twisted wish. I experienced a loss and the shattering of earth that goes along with it. The breaking of hearts. The pain of losing what you never really had.

This is a tough hand we (you and I, anyone who walks this road) have been dealt. Infertility is hard. Infertility + loss is even harder.

I hope that in recognizing my feelings, I can work on not letting guilt creep in. Coping with the emotional toll of infertility is hard work, and guilt only makes things tougher.

I no longer feel guilty for those thoughts. I carried that guilt with me for too long. I understand why I wished for a loss. Why I wished for something, anything to happen. I know that the me who thought those things is different than the me today. I'm more mature, and more in touch with my emotions.

And I've suffered a loss. And it's nothing I would wish on anyone, especially the me from two years ago.