Monday, September 19, 2011

unimaginable

Buster and I had a conversation last night about hope. He hates when I get my hopes up, only to have them dashed. I hate it too, honestly.

But my head is in the clouds most of the time. I'm a dreamer. I'm not logical. And it's never done anything good for me.

Spending years trying to get pregnant has really put a halt to my incessant wishing and hoping and dreaming. It's sad, really.

But is it?

Buster thinks it's good that now I'm a bit more grounded. That I don't get my hopes up so easily when it comes to getting pregnant. Shit, my hopes haven't been up in regards to getting pregnant for about 6 months. I'm done fooling myself.

I'm a little sad that I can't have unabashed hope and excitement anymore. It's not fair that I can't experience that. So many women get to experience these emotions when family planning. Alas, I am in the minority.

I can't even picture myself pregnant. I used to be able to. I used to enjoy daydreaming about my pregnancy, about my babies. My imagination is shot, however. Overused. I've put too many miles on it, and it's now rusted and rotting.


Some days it really feels like it will never happen, and that I will live out the remainder of my days childless. It's easier for me to picture it that way. My imagination doesn't have to work too hard.

7 comments:

  1. :( I know how this feels, I've been there, and still feel like I'm jaded. It sucks. I do believe, however, that it's not gone, just on hold. I WILL get that feeling back, when a baby is my reality, and I WILL pass it on to my child. *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  2. ***hugs*** I wish I had something profound or helpful to say, but I don't. For myself I don't really feel hopeful and haven't in a about a year. I think it's a method of self-protection. It's less painful to have low expectations then to have high hopes crushed every cycle. :(

    ReplyDelete
  3. I know that feeling all too well (*hugs*) I hope one day you can see it all again.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I could have written this post. I cannot imagine it either- not even a little bit. I hate that.
    I am holding out hope for you that your new RE and study protocol is the answer you have been searching for. wishing you much love and luck.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I know I wasn't left waiting as long as you, but I still had that feeling. I couldn't imagine being pregnant and couldn't imagine a baby of my own. The funny thing is I still look at my daughter and have a hard time believing it. annoyed army wife is right, it's self-protection and you do what you have to do to keep moving forward and living your life. It's okay not to hope, because I am hoping for you! It will happen and this will all be a bunch of shit you had to go through with a giant reward at the end.

    ReplyDelete
  6. **HUGS** I hear ya. Although my hopes do still get up there... I find it harder to hold on to it like I used to. Infertility just chews you up and spits you back out a bitter person. It's an ugly truth.

    ReplyDelete
  7. We build a wall around ourselves as we go through all of this to barricade ourselves against heartbreak and disappointment. But even when we're all walled in, there must still be a little bit of hope, or we wouldn't keep trying. I can't picture myself pregnant either. I remember looking at maternity clothes thinking I couldn't wait until I could shop for them. Now I just avert my eyes when I get near the maternity section.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...