It has been eight weeks since my D&C.
And many of you were right: the pain of my loss does seem to lessen as time goes by. It practically feels like a dream-slash-nightmare. It's hard to imagine that I was actually pregnant at all. Decades seem to have passed. The surrealism of it all makes it easier to cope (that was some other girl in some other lifetime, right?).
My loss seems to have strengthened my desire to be a mother. And instead of desire infused with jealousy or bitterness, it is now more of a desire coupled with sadness.
Three years ago, I was jealous of every pregnant belly. Every pair of tiny hands. Every snotty little nose. Two years ago, I was bitter. Angry. One year ago, I was deeply depressed. Exhausted from failed cycle after failed cycle.
Dipping my toes in the pregnancy water has made me even more determined to make this happen for us. Strength born of sadness. Determination from grief.
And even though I'm more steadfast in my desire than ever before, I also do not assume it will definitely happen for us. I know that there's a chance we will never have a baby. And that makes me incredibly sad. But I am remaining hopeful for what is to come, no matter which path we end up on.
Last night I babysat for W and G. Most of the time, everything is fine when I'm there. I occasionally think how I can't wait to do these things as a mom, but most of the time I don't go down that road. Sometimes I can't help it, though.
As I was singing G to sleep last night, I choked up several times.
When I was a child, my grandmother always sang to my sister and I. One of my favorites was "You Are My Sunshine." Even when I was young, I knew there was some kind of deep sadness mingled in those "happy" lyrics.
And I sing this to G (well, the chorus), along with "Rockabye Baby" and "Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star" (yes, I realize my nursery song arsenal is lacking).
Last night as I was singing "You Are My Sunshine", I became overwhelmed with sadness. I had to fight to keep the tears back, and to keep my mind off of my hopes, dreams, and failures.
I ache for the day I can sing it to my own baby.
Johnny Cash: You Are My Sunshine