Monday, May 28, 2012

the ghosts of pregnancy past

I'm not sure how I will get any sleep tonight.

Tomorrow morning at 9:30 a.m. is my first ultrasound of this pregnancy. Today I am exactly 7 weeks pregnant.

I wish I could write about how excited I am for tomorrow. How I am so certain we are going to have good news. How I can't wait to see my baby on the screen.

But that would all be bullshit.

I'm scared to death.

I will be back in the ultrasound room where we got the news that our first pregnancy was no longer viable.

That room haunts me. I can still hear the voice of the ultrasound tech telling me that she couldn't find a heartbeat. The ghosts of pregnancy past.

Will these ghosts ever leave me? I know I'm early in my current pregnancy. Perhaps if things move along swimmingly, and I make it to the second trimester, to the third trimester, maybe then? Or maybe their presence will slowly start to ebb away, but never completely disappear?

I really, really hope I have good news to post tomorrow.

29 comments:

  1. I really, really, really, really, really hope tomorrow is a wonderful happy day full of good news! I'll be thinking about you and sending good thoughts your way.

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  2. I can only imagine how nervous you are. I was nervous for every ultrasound through the second trimester and I was fortunate enough to have never experienced a loss.

    Thinking of you and hoping it will be THE greatest news!

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  3. So hoping for good news! And hoping you have some peace between now and then!!

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  4. Sending you lots of good thoughts today...

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  5. I'm thinking of you tomorrow and so anxious to hear wonderful news of the little heart beat that could. Good luck.

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  6. I'll be thinking positive thoughts and vibes your way! I haven't experienced a loss and I'm still terrified at every u/s, so I can only imagine what you're going through...be strong!

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  7. I'll be thinking positive thoughts and vibes your way! I haven't experienced a loss and I'm still terrified at every u/s, so I can only imagine what you're going through...be strong!

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  8. I am crossing fingers and toes for you. I'm similarly petrified for mine on Wed, even though we've seen the hb once. Until I have a baby in my arms, I'll continue to be haunted. Sending you big hugs.

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  9. Ugh, I'm feeling the same way. I've never been pregnant before but I feel terrified by how it call all end at any moment. I have a scan tomorrow too. Hopefully this feeling will be replaced with joy and hope again.

    Thinking of you.

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  10. Hoping and praying tomorrow brings you great joy and peace.

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  11. I can't wait to read about the babe's little beating heart tomorrow.

    Hugs.

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  12. I don't think the ghosts leave us. I'm in the 3rd tri now and still haunted by that damn miscarriage. Hoping and praying for the day when I have THIS baby in my arms and am able to say that without the miscarriage I would never have THIS baby and that I am grateful...not there yet, but hopefully one day!

    Good luck on the ultrasound tomorrow! Every ultrasound is nervewracking once you've had a bad one!

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  13. I hope for the sweet sight and sound of a little baby heart. I know how scary it is. I think we are now programmed to expect the worst, which sucks. But there is a good chance you will leave that appointment with happiness in your heart. I will be thinking of you and hoping you receive wonderful news. Hang in there!

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  14. Praying everything goes well! After recieving news like that it does change your outlook unfortunately. Im still always worried lol. Good luck sweetie! Ill be stalking for an update!

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  15. Good luck tomorrow! Mine's tomorrow too and I'm extremely nervous. I hope we both have good news!

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  16. Fingers crossed for a great appt tomorrow. Sending hugs and happy thoughts your way!

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  17. Thinking of you as always <3 wish we were closer and could do a decaf java ;)

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  18. I'm hoping for you too. Fingers crossed for great news!!

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  19. thinking of you and sending so much love for good news tomorrow

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  20. Hoping tomorrow goes great!

    One day at a time, and so far so good are my mantras.

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  21. Thinking of you and hoping so much for good news tomorrow.

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  22. Thinking of you....Here's to good news tomorrow!

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  23. hoping your scan has gone fab-ly and exorcises the last time you were there

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  24. I've been thinking of you often! I'm praying for good news today!!! Hugs!

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  25. Thinking of you! Prayers for a wonderful ultrasound today!

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  26. Thinking of you this morning!

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  27. Thinking of you and hoping everything is going just perfectly!

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