I'm not sure how I will get any sleep tonight.
Tomorrow morning at 9:30 a.m. is my first ultrasound of this pregnancy. Today I am exactly 7 weeks pregnant.
I wish I could write about how excited I am for tomorrow. How I am so certain we are going to have good news. How I can't wait to see my baby on the screen.
But that would all be bullshit.
I'm scared to death.
I will be back in the ultrasound room where we got the news that our first pregnancy was no longer viable.
That room haunts me. I can still hear the voice of the ultrasound tech telling me that she couldn't find a heartbeat. The ghosts of pregnancy past.
Will these ghosts ever leave me? I know I'm early in my current pregnancy. Perhaps if things move along swimmingly, and I make it to the second trimester, to the third trimester, maybe then? Or maybe their presence will slowly start to ebb away, but never completely disappear?
I really, really hope I have good news to post tomorrow.